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I'm conflicted about spanking


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I’m a DD wife. It’s awesome! I also feel absurdly conflicted about it. I’m not torn between wanting it and not wanting it; I’m torn between wanting it and feeling like I shouldn’t want it—like an enlightened, intelligent woman should run screaming from a relationship where I get my butt spanked if I throw too much attitude or, say, forget to take my phone to the store (very guilty repeat offender here). But the truth is, I friggin love it.

I also love cross-stitching, sewing, tap dancing, cooking, taking care of the kids, and generally keeping house. Ack! I’m not supposed to love those things. I’m not from the backwoods, I didn’t get married when I was 19, this isn’t 1953, and my husband is not way older than me. In truth, I’m educated, I’ve had a career, I got married in my late 20s, my husband is 2 years younger than me, and I am by all accounts intelligent.

Nor am I married to a caveman. My husband is hilarious, smart, an amazing leader, and deeply good. He sings in musicals. He also knows how to kill you with his bare hands and can put a bullet in your head from a disturbingly long distance. And while I bake bread, have 3 small children, and gleefully sewed Halloween costumes for my kids, I can also snowboard, rock climb, use complicated computer programs, and disarm and disable you (I don’t know how to kill you. Yet.;)).

My point is, you’d be hard-pressed to pigeonhole us into the domineering husband and meek wife category. I’m too sassy and fiercely independent, and he’s both very strong and very kind. I certainly don’t think DD is for everyone; I don’t even think it’s for most people. It *is* for us, though, because spanking works for me. When I get spanked, I really think about what I did wrong and work on changing it. And while I have a strong aversion to authority in general, I am insanely attracted to the guy who makes me pull my pants down, turns me over his knee, and spanks the living crap outta me (no love taps here; this is full-on butt-whupping). I’m a 35-year-old woman who gets spanked, and it’s actually effective.

But wait! I’m not supposed to like that. It’s oppressive! It’s unenlightened! It’s just plain wrong! Run away screaming! How, fellow spankos, do you reconcile this? I’m trying to forget what everyone says you should do and just live my life the way that is right for me. “Who cares,” says the husband, “what everyone else thinks? Embrace your inner 50s wife!” It’s true. It’s funny. And it’s surprisingly challenging. Please help me fight my indoctrination!

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Guest quietbrat

What eventually brought me discreetly "out" into the spanking world once and for all, was meeting a girl who told me enough of her own history to convince me that it would be more or less literally a sin NOT to spank her...she wanted it, desired it, wanted to feel all the emotional differences between a safe spanking from someone who gave a damn, and the beatings of an alcoholic husband.

She began lost and aching with depression, but when we had finished even her first spanking lesson she was able to cry away hurts that she had held inside for years.

So my point is...why should it be anymore barbaric to be consensually spanked, than it supposedly is to be rich? Or Christian? or Republican? Or... You take my point. :-)

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I guess where I differ, Quietbrat, is that, in my case, I am not interested in "coming out" into any spanking "world." Just like I wouldn't want to come "out" into any sort of sexplay "world", or other turned-public private activities "world." The private activities themselves are fine, but that's it...for me they are PRIVATE.

But I fully concur that spanking between two consenting adults is perfectly fine! :)

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But wait! I’m not supposed to like that. It’s oppressive! It’s unenlightened! It’s just plain wrong! Run away screaming! How, fellow spankos, do you reconcile this? I’m trying to forget what everyone says you should do and just live my life the way that is right for me. “Who cares,” says the husband, “what everyone else thinks? Embrace your inner 50s wife!” It’s true. It’s funny. And it’s surprisingly challenging. Please help me fight my indoctrination!

I can definitely see the conflict. I absolutely hate stereotypical gender roles and the 1950s model for family life, so I couldn't do it. However, if others want it, who cares? It's a relatively free society. No one is really getting hurt or oppressed by it. You can end this part of your relationship whenever you want without consequence so its fine. I know a lot of women who would try to criticize you for this, but again, who cares? So long as its consensual it doesn't matter.

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Wait wait wait. . . we, as women, are not supposed to like doing things with our hands, be physically active, keep our environment clean, or raising our children? Do you see how silly that sounds? Nothing you mentioned is even remotely "backwoods." I find it particularly scary that you listed taking care of your kids as one of the things that women shouldn't like to do. That is just insane, but maybe you didn't mean it to be taken that way, I hope. Why are you letting silly social "norms" tell you what you should and should not like to do? I use quotes because it is not abnormal to like to do any of the things that you mentioned. Many women love to take care of their family and do crafts.

Hey we are woman and although it is really nice to have a man treat you as an equal, share in household responsibilities, and refrain from farting at the kitchen table, what is sexy is a strong man who takes control. Oh admit it, it is. Society says we should not like that kind of a guy but we all do. I am sure there are some who have fantasies about a man holding the door open from them . . . I think most of us would like to be thrown down on the bed and taken. Just being honest here. We like big muscles because it means our man is strong and capable. And I don't know any woman that honestly doesn't like to be cared for and cherished. Knowing that he will step between you and danger.

Spanking, in away, is an extension of that. A man who will step between you and destructive behavior. That is caring. Yeah he spanks you for forgetting your phone. You are sunk if you run out of gas or have trouble today and don't have a phone with you, as there are very few pay phones and most people would assume that you have one. Especially if you have your kids with you.

You are not a 1950's wife. You are a unique person who a is living your life your way. You are not oppressed, this is a decision you and your hubby made jointly. Quit beating yourself up for being who you are and living your life the way you want to. That is a very 2000's type of attitude.

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If you are feeling conflicted, I suggest you make a list of pros and cons. On the negative side, you will probably come up with those who do not understand not approving if they knew and you having a sore butt some times. I'm sure the pros will outweigh the cons.

Cliff

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My point is, you’d be hard-pressed to pigeonhole us into the domineering husband and meek wife category. I’m too sassy and fiercely independent, and he’s both very strong and very kind. I certainly don’t think DD is for everyone; I don’t even think it’s for most people. It *is* for us, though, because spanking works for me. When I get spanked, I really think about what I did wrong and work on changing it.

Just watched the Larry David movie 'Whatever Works.' Beyond the title it has nothing to do with your post, but I do think the that two word title is a great answer. It's one that goes through my mind sometimes when I'm lost in thought about this thing we do.

Everyone tries to figure out what works for them. Some never find it and they struggle because of it (alcohol, divorce, etc). You've found something that works... and I say rejoice in that! The exact why is an interesting question of course, but I honestly don't know many spankos that have ever come up with a great answer to that question.

I also don't know many " domineering husband and meek wife" DD couples. A big reason for that, IMO... is this is ~a choice~ you both have made (out of many possible options) and made because it works. That probably wasn't the case for most back in the 50's.

And btw... spankers have to fight against the same indoctrination. For some, it doesn't matter how much you explain it or how clear you make it that this is mutually consensual and beneficial... it is still violence and abuse. Not much you can say to that other than... who cares what you think, this is what works for me and my relationship.

:)

~Todd

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Just watched the Larry David movie 'Whatever Works.' Beyond the title it has nothing to do with your post, but I do think the that two word title is a great answer. It's one that goes through my mind sometimes when I'm lost in thought about this thing we do.

Haven't seen that one, but Larry David is awesome.

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Thanks, everyone, for your comments, support, and insight on this! I have a life that to me is, quite frankly, the shiz, and clearly the best thing to do is just go with it and enjoy it. I have an unfortunate tendency to fret about what people think of me, and while I am unwilling to change to accommodate them, I do waste my energy and mental space worrying about it. I've made peace with the fact that I'm a complete nerd :rolleyes:, but I'm still working on genuinely not caring about what I "should" do or "should" want and instead just enjoying the lifestyle choices I have made on purpose and with my eyes wide open.

(As you can infer, I absorbed a heavy emphasis on what Should Be during my formative years and am having a hard time shaking it. Now employing ninja skills to kick it's trash!:ph34r:))

[@Pony--re:kids, mainly I was getting at the sometimes raving backlash to the admittedly odious "Take off your shoes, get back in the kitchen, and have babies!" attitude. My own opinion is that kids are a welcome joy, and that while being a SAHM can be mind-numbingly dull on occasion and involves far, far too much poo, it is for the most part a great gig with a lot of hilarious moments, and I am profoundly committed to caring for my children. Also, my husband thought your comments were spot-on, and I concur with and appreciate your sentiments. I sometimes just get waylaid by the Should monster...]

And so: I sometimes do stupid stuff. I get spanked for it--hard. But I did pick that option because it really, really works for me. The time has long since come for me to do what I love, and nuts to the people who think their way is better. 50s housewife alert: yes I've been pregnant or nursing for about 7 years straight, yes there is freshly baked bread on the counter, and yes my butt is sore from last night's trip over the husband's knee. But you know what, I'm happy. ;)

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Listen to your hubby.

You are fighting our common, bland, everybody be LOVEY DOVEY all the time culture. Don't like spanking we are told. GO BUY SOMTHIN'. Don't discipline kids. Buy them something. Don't discipline yourself--you deserve better. You don't have to obey. Just buy buy buy. Crap. We all have to obey every day.

You have the right idea when you say Be your self. ASs Nike says: just do it.

I struggle with the same feelings until I either give a spanking or get one. Then, Too Cheeky feels just right.:D

I'm a DD wife. It's awesome! I also feel absurdly conflicted about it. I'm not torn between wanting it and not wanting it; I'm torn between wanting it and feeling like I shouldn't want it—like an enlightened, intelligent woman should run screaming from a relationship where I get my butt spanked if I throw too much attitude or, say, forget to take my phone to the store (very guilty repeat offender here). But the truth is, I friggin love it.

I also love cross-stitching, sewing, tap dancing, cooking, taking care of the kids, and generally keeping house. Ack! I'm not supposed to love those things. I'm not from the backwoods, I didn't get married when I was 19, this isn't 1953, and my husband is not way older than me. In truth, I'm educated, I've had a career, I got married in my late 20s, my husband is 2 years younger than me, and I am by all accounts intelligent.

Nor am I married to a caveman. My husband is hilarious, smart, an amazing leader, and deeply good. He sings in musicals. He also knows how to kill you with his bare hands and can put a bullet in your head from a disturbingly long distance. And while I bake bread, have 3 small children, and gleefully sewed Halloween costumes for my kids, I can also snowboard, rock climb, use complicated computer programs, and disarm and disable you (I don't know how to kill you. Yet.;)).

My point is, you'd be hard-pressed to pigeonhole us into the domineering husband and meek wife category. I'm too sassy and fiercely independent, and he's both very strong and very kind. I certainly don't think DD is for everyone; I don't even think it's for most people. It *is* for us, though, because spanking works for me. When I get spanked, I really think about what I did wrong and work on changing it. And while I have a strong aversion to authority in general, I am insanely attracted to the guy who makes me pull my pants down, turns me over his knee, and spanks the living crap outta me (no love taps here; this is full-on butt-whupping). I'm a 35-year-old woman who gets spanked, and it's actually effective.

But wait! I'm not supposed to like that. It's oppressive! It's unenlightened! It's just plain wrong! Run away screaming! How, fellow spankos, do you reconcile this? I'm trying to forget what everyone says you should do and just live my life the way that is right for me. "Who cares," says the husband, "what everyone else thinks? Embrace your inner 50s wife!" It's true. It's funny. And it's surprisingly challenging. Please help me fight my indoctrination!

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I think the difference between you and the stereotypical 50's house wife, is you chose it because you wanted it not because you had to because that is what society thought you should choose. If your husband had forced you into a DD lifestyle and into having children and being a stay at home mom and baking bread, then it would be different. If you were not allowed to vote or not allowed to voice your opinion in anything, then you should worry.

I mean, equality is about having the same options, not about being forced to do the opposite of the women of other generations who were suppressed. So, in that way you're more of a modern woman than a lot.

...If any of that makes sense.

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I must say I am slightly baffled by all this talk about 50s housewives, ass if all 50s housewives were submissive doormats or something. My mother was a 50s housewife, and she was about as submissive as Atilla the Hun. Being a hosuewife and being submissive do not automatically go together. I was a housewife myself for 17 years before it occured to me to try being submissive. And the most submissive woman I ever knew in real life was a high-powered career woman who was better educated than her husband, had a better job and earned far more money than him, but she was completely under his thumb. What you do or don't do for a living has very little to do with whether you are submissive to your spouse.

Louise

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I think Immant nailed it - feminism is all about choices, regardless of what one ends up choosing. If you want to get married, have kids, be submissive, get spanked, have a job, be a SAHM, and/or bake bread I say more power to you! I consider myself a feminist, and I do not think that's a contradiction; moreover, I think EVERYONE should be a feminist - everyone should believe in unconditional equality, which (to me, at least) is what feminism is about at its core. That hard-fought-for equality means millions of women have freedoms their predecessors did not have; and yes, that freedom means the freedom to choose a domestic life, even a domestic discipline life.

-Ben, a straight white middle class male

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I must say I am slightly baffled by all this talk about 50s housewives, ass if all 50s housewives were submissive doormats or something. My mother was a 50s housewife, and she was about as submissive as Atilla the Hun. Being a hosuewife and being submissive do not automatically go together. I was a housewife myself for 17 years before it occured to me to try being submissive. And the most submissive woman I ever knew in real life was a high-powered career woman who was better educated than her husband, had a better job and earned far more money than him, but she was completely under his thumb. What you do or don't do for a living has very little to do with whether you are submissive to your spouse.

Louise

I think everyone is just using it as an example...I mean...I suppose one could also use a wife from the middle ages or the pioneer era as an example but 1. you would have the same issue as not all women from those two eras were submissive and 2. we don't have living examples left from those two eras as we do of the 1950's. It's just to draw a picture in people's minds. That's all.

I think Immant nailed it - feminism is all about choices, regardless of what one ends up choosing. If you want to get married, have kids, be submissive, get spanked, have a job, be a SAHM, and/or bake bread I say more power to you! I consider myself a feminist, and I do not think that's a contradiction; moreover, I think EVERYONE should be a feminist - everyone should believe in unconditional equality, which (to me, at least) is what feminism is about at its core. That hard-fought-for equality means millions of women have freedoms their predecessors did not have; and yes, that freedom means the freedom to choose a domestic life, even a domestic discipline life.

-Ben, a straight white middle class male

Exactly. Just like men should have the option to be stay at home dads, be submissive, and be spanked if they want...women should be free to be stay at home moms, etc. or not if they want.

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  • 10 years later...

I'm not attempting to take this off topic, but agree with what many have said from a different perspective. I self spank. Many in the 'real' world would view that as odd or self harm or what ever. Even many folks here do not understand it, and that is ok. I have found something that works for me, in my case for stress relief and relaxation. The important thing is you and your husband (or partner) have something that works for you; and as long as it is mutually consensual and within the parameters you have agreed upon, who cares what other people think. I say embrace it, enjoy the fact that you have something that works for you and that you are happy with, and don't over think it. You are already a big step ahead of so many other people.

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If you love it than you love it. Be you, be yourself. Do what makes you happy and works for you as well as your partner.

 

Soap box moment!!

However!!! Not taking the phone to the store is so one of my biggest pet peeves and common reasons around here to actively partake in TTWD. Drives me nuts i tell ya. Every time it happens, something happens. Try to call and i hear it ringing on the couch or counter. I usually will replace it with an implement, than put her phone in my pocket. She walks in i call  her phone. She already knows " This was the moment she knew..... She Fuc*ed up."

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