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Gender Preference in Mentoring


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In reading the replies to this topic I noticed that many were answering a different question than I intended to ask; Why do we have gender preferences? Not; Should We have gender preferences? The text of this topic is a description of my own self examination of my preferences. Though I see why it was misunderstood (my fault). When asked myself questions about mentors obligations I meant my obligations implied by the way I saw myself as a mentor. My ideas about mentorship are mine alone and apply only to me. I don't think mentoring should be a monolith. One thing to all people. Mentoring styles and expressions should be as varied as are people themselves. Everyone will have preferences and those deserve to be respected.

I wanted this topic to be about why does each person have their particular preference. For instance, why do I prefer women? This topic was not supposed to ask; Should we have preferences? That would be a stupid topic. Preferences are not a choice you get to make any more than sexual orientation. It is simply not up to you.

The following is a description of my own self examination of my gender preference and what kind of mentor I personally want to be. Anything that speaks to how to mentor means how I, Maxjake, should mentor. Nothing in this paragraph applies to anyone but me.

I am looking to mentor. My preference is for ladies. I recently had an experience that made me ask myself some hard questions. A young man contacted me for mentoring. He didn't know my preference. He said that he needed a father figure. I was going to turn him down but, I felt a little bad about it. The only reason to reject him was gender. If it had been a young lady looking for a father figure I wouldn't think twice about it. Sex is not supposed to be part of mentoring so why do I have a gender preference? As mentors we are supposed to serve the needs of the mentee. Every mentee deserves a mentor and vise versa. Here's what appears to be a perfectly decent young man who needs a father figure; a role that has particular appeal for me. As a mentor, don't I have and obligation to at least consider him? We think nothing of women mentoring women but if a man mentors another man, it is automatically assumed that they are homosexual. Straight men mentoring other men is somehow taboo, or if not taboo, at least on some level, unthinkable. One reason may be cultural. It seems, in our culture, that level of intimacy between men is not allowed. Women may be as intimate as they choose and little is thought of it. Men who engage in intimacy, beyond a certain fairly shallow point, are suspect; And, though it need not be said, bare bottom spanking someone is a pretty intimate act. I feel conflicted about this but, I do feel obliged to at least give this kid a chance; To at least get to know him before I make a decision; And there should be a real chance that the answer may be yes. What are your thoughts and opinions?

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What are your thoughts and opinions?

Hey Michael!

I can tell that you have put some thought in to this subject. I have come to believe that everyone with Spankee or Spanker need(s) approaches Adult Spanking from life experiences that are uniquely his or hers alone. I'm a STR8 guy and have somehow always known that I would need a Mentor-Dad to fill in the gaps that my father couldn't, wouldn't or was inacapble of doing. I did research, & discovered that to some degree I have "Father Hunger" that comes about when key mentoring, father nurturing, patterning, basic emotional needs are largely missing. I was naive & clueless how to go about getting such a thing arranged, but little by little I defined what my needs were & what they weren't. I was going through a divorce to the love of my life and I was feeling alone & worthless. I remember my first online search for M-M spanking. My hands shook as I had never been on porn sites before. I had been a devoted husband and father. But, I knew I needed to fix my little injured boy inside of me to go on & be the man that I want to be. Who knows, maybe if I had had a "Dad" sooner to kick my butt when needed, I could have been disciplined when needed. Somehow with my mother dying before age 5, inheriting a stepmother by age 6 (whom I enjoyed greatly stressing). aunts, neighbors, etc. got my maternal needs met, but not my Fathering needs. I laughed when my stepmother tried to spank me & a teacher used her little ruler a couple of times, but when a male teacher or principal referenced a spanking, I straightened right up. When my father took off his belt, I identified that my life was about to instantly come to a screeching hault until I straightened up, & with a sore butt I usually did for at least a couple of days!

It's incredibly hard to find a Mentoring-Dad who understands that C.P. can somehow make a difference for a guy who truly needs it. Cyber manners seem to dissolve politeness & I have disclosed to countless guys lots of facts about my needs, wrote multiple bios, only to have the would bementor disappear, never to be heard from again!

The sexual component is a big thing for some people. I knew that I wasn't homosexual, but trying to educate others can be a monumental, if not an impossible feat based on their own beliefs. And, for many a male that I have emailed with, they find the whole M-M concept repulsive. Some others want things or actions that I'm not willing to participate in.

I'm involved in several spanking groups & sites. I chat frequently with others & in doing so I have learned a bit more about what makes me tick. I've also been instrumental in helping others find resources that they need.

I ultimately found my Mentor-Dad via another friend. I wouldn't have read his profile or contacted him as he's younger than I am. We have similar faiths, life styles, work ethics, etc. He encourages me, helps me define & work on reasonable goals. While I crave spanking, I don't usually like his spankings. I dread confessing when I have screwed up yet again. Sometimes he sets my butt on fire when I mess up & don't succeed in my goals but discipline is always followed by a hug, forgiveness & encouragement! I now have a self confidence that I have never had, have conquered some issues that I just could never get beyond on my own. I have more issues waiting to be dealt with. I now get raises & kudos at work that I didn't before. Having a DAD is a need that I'm now not ashamed to admit in the spanking world. On the outside, I have "an accountability" partner & others have no knowledge of what my consequences are & they won't be knowing either!

Michael, if you have the time to commit, feel equipped, experienced & capable of being a Dad-Mentor, and like the guy, then do it! If you or he think either of you can't communicate or commit, then decline. I welcome questions & comments.

Brent.

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Nothing scary about the topic at all. My thoughts are as follows:

1) This is a very personal thing, period. Everyone's right to one preference or another is therefore absolute. People can limit their choices of mentor and mentee to someone of the same sex, opposite sex, older, younger (as long as the person is an adult), large, small, exclusive or non-exclusive. Some choices make sense, and other choices don't make a whole lot of sense, but it's their choice and that pretty much ends the discussion as to legitimacy.

2) That said, there is nothing wrong with challenging one's old comfort zone. Indeed, some males need another male to hold them accountable, and it would be nice if more males stepped up to the task. I've pushed that envelope, just a bit. My comfort zone remains with mentoring females, but I don't mind pushing that comfort zone a bit.

3) There should be no stigma about males mentoring males. It doesn't make you something you're not. Likewise, a preference by a male to mentor only females should not reflect badly upon the person. It just is what it is.

Good topic, though. Maybe it will challenge folks to push their own comfort zones in order to be meet the needs of more people.

Edited just to add: There are in fact already many males here who mentor other males.

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Very good topic,maxjake.

I don't see that there is anything wrong with having preferences toward the partners you seek. We all have preferences. Yours may be to spank young ladies, this young man's preference is for a father figure. To each his (or her) own. We all have things we are comfortable with and things we are not. But you have to find the right balance for you.

If you are comfortable mentoring this young man, and think you can do so without prejudice, then go for it. If not then it is time to have a serious discussion with him, even if he is disappointed.

When I first began this journey I was exclusively a bottom. I sought out a few women to provide the discipline I needed and wanted and never found a satisfying experience. I then turned to a Male spanker. I am not homosexual. He was, but that never was an issue between us. What we shared was discipline spanking, pure and simple. There need not be a stigma attached to homosexuality, or sexuality in general when it comes to spanking. Spanking can be just spanking, regardless of the genders involved.

"What's important is finding out what works for you." If it's spanking only, or mostly, women, if it's spanking only men, if it's being spanked by men or spanked by women or just collecting experiences, your needs are yours and yours alone. You need to find what works for you and be comfortable with that, whatever it may be, above all else. No one is here to judge you.

Best Wishes,

Eric

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Hi, Maxjake!

Good topic and I think that you have some good responses here from the guys.

As a spanker, I am not gender specific and will render discipline based on an individuals need for a certain type of discipline rather than on gender.

I see it a little differently for the individual who is seeking dicipline, however. Strong associations with either parent or a person who had a disciplinary role in that person's upbringing (teacher, for instance) may make seeking a disciplinarian of a particular gender of paramount importance for the discipline to be effective. Men or women may specifically require a male disciplinarian over a female disciplinarian or vice versa. This is not sexism in my opinion...just what it takes to get the job done.

Also in my opinion, it is the male spankee who has the most difficult time getting their disciplinary needs met. Female disciplinarians and men who spank men are harder to come by. I also feel that there is more taboo associated with M/M than F/F.

I say kudos to you for your open mindedness on the subject, and may you find this an educational and gratifying experience!

MB

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I don't really have a gender preference when it comes to just spanking so I guess I'm bi-spankual.

My submissive desires were first triggered by two female schoolteachers. One of these was an attractive woman but I was only 7 years old at the time so I'm not sure that had much to do with it (though I do remember she was attractive - go figure). The other was an older woman who wasn't very attractive at all.

Along came a male when I was in high school (the principal) and he just triggered the very same feelings. In some ways it was even more intense (because he was very very strict, and paddled very,very hard). It never occurred to me for a moment that I was gay because I know how I'm hardwired and this is just a simple fact that I've never doubted.

You may be right that F/F spanking is more prevalent but having browsed through a lot of M/M spanking sites it isn't as unusual as you think finding straights like me on both ends of the spectrum.

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In my case, deep rooted fear of same gender spankers. As a child I was terrified of my father. Now some of this has nothing to do with punishment, and a lot to do with my father not experiencing the best in dental care.

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I don't really have a gender preference when it comes to just spanking so I guess I'm bi-spankual.

That made me chuckle!

As a spankee I know I have a preference for a mentor who is male. I am actually bisexual and have tried with various partners both male and female but have found for me personally I just respond better to males. When I began searching for a mentor I knew what worked best for me. I don't think there is anything wrong with having a gender preference at all - its what works best for you as a person.

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I don't think there is anything wrong with having a gender preference at all - its what works best for you as a person.

I totally agree.

When it comes to disciplinarians I have always gone to females. I find that I am more comfortable with females than males and it does not just involve disciplinarians. I also prefer seeing female physicians to male physicians. I have seen physicians of both genders and I have found that I feel more comfortable seeing a female. From things I have been told, I think being more comfortable around females goes back further than I have any memory of.

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To All

Just for the record I want to say that I too don't think it is wrong for anyone to have a gender preference. I don't think it's wrong for me to have a preference. What I'm really interested in is the WHY of it. I know in a lot of cases there will simply be no answer. Still I do want to examine the question. There may be answers to some whys. I think I reasoned out part of the why in myself. Certainly not all of it. Just as most of us, I have fantasies about spanking and not a single one is about spanking a guy. I still don't know if I can mentor this kid. My attitudes and feelings about mentors having obligations are personal to me. They apply to me only. I certainly would not foist them on anyone else. I think the only things that MAY be universal obligations are to put the interests of the mentee first, and to do the best job you can. Even these may not apply depending on the nature of the particular relationship. Mentoring (non-spanking) is in my nature. I have mentored a fair number of people over the years. It's rewarding and, at least according to those I've mentored, I'm pretty good at it. Until I found SN, the idea that mentoring; something I like to do: and spanking; something I love to do; could be combined had never occurred to me. Holy Cow Batman! I was instantly captivated. I retired at a pretty young age. 48. So now I have an income but do not work. I have an opportunity to really throw myself into this. I do think, just in general I am obliged to at least do a tiny bit of public service. I think that of all the pairings M/Ms have the toughest time finding a partner. So if it turns out that I can spank men, and that's still an if, then why shouldn't I help the guys out a little. I don't think I would want a lot of guys in the mix. My preference is still the ladies but, one or two, what the hell. I'll do it.

Michael

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