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Guest lilac

A safe call.

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Just wanted to add my 2 cents as well, since I'm always AMAZED by how many otherwise intelligent people don't take any of the above safety measures when meeting someone new (or even slightly known, since someone doesn't have to be a stranger to be dangerous! Look at how many people are raped by someone they know!!!!) Didn't know about that public call center, but what a brilliant thing that is for people who are afraid of compromising their privacy! And I absolutely agree with having a code word set up (like the "avacado" scenario) in case you can't openly say that you need help. Such an important topic!

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Guest Mr. Blister

i have a method of being safe. i won't post it here as anyone i meet who turns for the worst will know how not to get caught. i will mention it before i meet anyone,

Precisely.

Any predator can/will use any helpful clue to avoid exposure. There's a reason as to why law enforcement will not reveal

inside info or techniques in their investigations.

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Wow is all I can say. I read slave tami's story and boy is it disgusting. Those of us who just seek partners, whether mentees, play partners, etc., have to jump through all sorts of hoops just to prove we are sincere. I used to get offended and hated the "getting acquainted" stage. Now I welcome it. As a mentor, I never really considered the sick things that sadists do (for those into D/s...you are not all sick) by committing horrendous crimes in order to fulfill their depraved desires. The guy above who was supposed to go to a motel for m/m spanking and cover his head with a pillow...good call! I once heard of a gay male who was hit with a bat, tied up and basically mutilated with a knife while lying on a bed with blindfolds waiting for a supposed partner with similar interests. I know of a female who wanted to role play a vampire scene only to have a coke induced jackass bite chunks of flesh out of her breasts, neck and stomach before she was able to escape. I had always assumed spanking partners were different...we were "normal". I still think to a large extent we are. But it cannot hurt to be too safe, so let me tell you what I have been doing the last couple years.

My mentees and I chat to exchange experiences and interests by e-mail, video and/or telephone. This generally is a few weeks to a couple months. Once my mentee has some comfort level, I explain that I can hide myself behind a computer, but I cannot hide myself in a Starbucks. I mean, did you ever see the person that you knew was disturbed just by looking in their eyes? Also, mannerisms, nerves, and hygiene cannot be hidden in person. You can see my description is what I said it was (and vice versa), ask questions and look at real time expressions during their/my answers. I will never meet with someone and have a same day private meeting, unless their identity has been verified. Rather than have six months worth of e-mails, video or telephone calls, I invite my mentees to meet me at a place of their choosing. If they are coming to me, I pick a national chain (starbucks, bennigans). I would meet them wearing a certain color shirt/sweater and if they didn't like what they saw physically, they could simply turn around without ever introducing themselves. Likewise, if we chatted/had a drink and either or us determined we were not compatible, we would simply excuse ourselves and say a polite good-bye. What I do to ensure our meeting is at least memorialized is that I have them call my cell phone number from their number and we have a brief telephone conversation for at least a minute before we meet. This way, their cell phone number is in my cell phone as the most recent call. I also do this for them. My logic was that the authorities would have the number. I never thought of other safety concerns...such as being found injured or dead. I had never heard of safe-call.

Until I read this story, I always gave them my real name and work number to verify my identity. I never thought of the potential consequences of a bottom who wanted to cause harm to me, believing that we were like-minded spirits. I have not had a single bad experience, but perhaps I have been lucky. Generally, after my initial meeting in Starbucks, we typically continue to develop a mutual trust through phone/e-mail and perhaps a subsequent meeting for breakfast/lunch/cocktail. Usually, after one meeting, and months of talking, the second meeting is where I begin the mentoring. Having a background in finance and education, I begin by having each mentee list their areas of desired improvement. I might go into a goal setting type session where goals are listed, objectives quantified, time frames established, and a plan is set up for my mentee to be held accountable. This is all done in writing because I sincerely desire to help my mentees quit smoking, get better grades, lose weight, stop procrastinating, etc. etc.. Thus, perhaps since I am more into mentoring than D/s, S&M, my mentees are less nervous about meeting than say a sub about to be restrained by an unknown Dom. but slave tami's story definitely opened my eyes.

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Just wanted to add my 2 cents as well, since I'm always AMAZED by how many otherwise intelligent people don't take any of the above safety measures when meeting someone new (or even slightly known, since someone doesn't have to be a stranger to be dangerous! Look at how many people are raped by someone they know!!!!) Didn't know about that public call center, but what a brilliant thing that is for people who are afraid of compromising their privacy! And I absolutely agree with having a code word set up (like the "avacado" scenario) in case you can't openly say that you need help. Such an important topic!

My only concern is that where a person is nervous, they may blurt out the code word...or easily fail to say the code word and the authorities can be called for no reason, not to mention exposing the identities of these two individuals to the police who might see this as something "criminal".

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I unfortunately havne't met up with many people and don't have any friends in to spanking though I think my girlfriend is I just need to make her comfortable with talking about it and admitting it but I can tell. Anyway, those very few times I've met with anyone, I checked them out well online before meeting, setup a safety call, let them know I had a safety call setup and both said "very smart thinking" and like someone said, I made sure I had almost nothing on me or if it was at my place they never saw a room with anything much in it. Safety calls arne't that hard to setup, you can always use the online dating excuse, or my very first time I just told someone I needed to talk to them I would definitely be around at a certain time, could they call me then, knowing this was a person who would panick if I didn't answer the phone or something and call my mother fast. I have yet to have a problem but I always cover myself in everythign I do, I really have met people on dating sites so really, that excuse has always worked for me since everyone who knows me knows that.

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I suggest when meeting someone you don't really know, use the net to conduct a criminal background search. There are a number of sites that offer this service for a nominal fee; 25-40 dollars. I don't need to point out the obvious red flags. Even crimes like burglary or minor drug dealing should be a red flag because people that commit these crimes often go on to commit worse.

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Guest bella100

I have read the comments here and one persons reply brought to mind things of past!! And yes people you know and tryst can do bad things to you!!!!

My question -- being a newbie thus safe call -- can a safe call be someone not near you??

I'm going for my first session to a place I have never been and I know noone there!!! I have not told anyone about my lifestyle right now--so who do i call and can a safe call be someone who is not in the same area????

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Guest lilac

I have read the comments here and one persons reply brought to mind things of past!! And yes people you know and tryst can do bad things to you!!!!

My question -- being a newbie thus safe call -- can a safe call be someone not near you??

I'm going for my first session to a place I have never been and I know noone there!!! I have not told anyone about my lifestyle right now--so who do i call and can a safe call be someone who is not in the same area????

Bella it can be anyone that can act in a moments notice. My purpose for a safe call with all my disciplinarians was that if my friend didn't hear from me by a certain time she was to get the police and send them to a certain hotel in a certain room. With both Mike and CP I gave my friend their names and numbers and cities they lived in as well. For my first visit with Mike and CP I got the room well ahead of time and knew my room. With MIke I was almost certain that things were going to be ok with because we had been talking and our first public meeting went so well and he had a great reputation on this board so I wasn't too worried but on the off chance I thought it safe to tell my best friend. With Larry we had met and he was coming to my house but my friend still knew all the details.

I've also been a safe call for some on the board and I don't live anywhere near them. So as long as they know where you are exactly and can get the number of ER or police nearby you then it should be fine. However truthfully I think with the mentor you are going to meet you are fine as well. ;P

I do think disciplinarians should have a safe call as well but that is rarely talked about.

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Hey Everyone

I suggest that before you meet someone you don't know, you may want to do a criminal background check. There are a number of sites on the net that will do this for a fee. I think the charge is usually $25-$60. Besides the obvious flags like rape and assault, less serious crimes like burglary and minor drug charges should also put you off. These people often go on to commit more serious crimes.

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I have decided to post this on both boards because I feel you can't be to safe in the spanking world. I feel and so do many others that a safe call is vital and could be life saving if things get out of hand.

I had one with my first 2 disiciplinarians and I took a friend with me when meeting Larry.

There is nothing embarrassing about confiding in someone that you are meeting someone for this. If need be contact one of the respected disciplinarians on the board and let them know where you will be and when and give them the number you can be reached.

Lots of things can happen and doing this can go very wrong. Not normally but on the rare occasion that something can happen then following advice having a safe call is important. So posting this shouldn't make anyone afraid but it should make you more aware and taking precautions is a wise thing to do.

I hope everyone continues to be safe.

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As a guy I've never had a problem meeting with a fellow spanko but I have known some who had bad experiences before. Thanks Lilac for a very important reminder: Always play safe when you play so that you get the chance to play another day.

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Guest Dad

I couldn't agree more on the subject of safety. As a spanker its always on my mind and my concerns aren't for myself but for the person I might be meeting with. Her comfort level is extremely important and the safer and more comfortable each of you feel, the more trust is built, and the better the experience is for both of you. I have been very fortunate to have met some wonderful people whom I can call friends, and I've been blessed to have not one bad experience, but it takes time, communication, trust, and an equal concern one for another.

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Tons of good info here in this discussion. I, like a lot of you, have continuous communication with lots of questions to be able to read reactions to certain topics. When someone is too forceful or demanding a meet before it's time, that is a red flag to me and time to move on. After several weeks or months, a public meet is in order. Someone already mentioned what I do, just give a color jacket or hat to the other person, and if they don't like what they see, they can turn around and leave, no awkward situation for either of us, it just wasn't meant to be. I don't exchange phone numbers for quite awhile until I am comfortable that it won't be an issue in the future with regards to abuse of the phone number privilege. I also take nothing with me to a meet except driver's license and a little cash.

That safe call was a new concept to me, but a great idea. Also, I love the idea of using the excuse of a dating website, that way your spanko secret is kept safe.

I tried craig's list once and got nothing except weird conversations that were from people who it was obvious from the get go that they were not fellow spankos, and were just phishing for who knows what, and I dropped that idea like a bad habit. It is just better to try spanking community websites to try to find a partner.

I used my methods to meet successfully twice, and had absolutely no problem. Use your gut instinct, if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't!

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I have decided to post this on both boards because I feel you can't be to safe in the spanking world. I feel and so do many others that a safe call is vital and could be life saving if things get out of hand.

I had one with my first 2 disiciplinarians and I took a friend with me when meeting Larry.

There is nothing embarrassing about confiding in someone that you are meeting someone for this. If need be contact one of the respected disciplinarians on the board and let them know where you will be and when and give them the number you can be reached.

Lots of things can happen and doing this can go very wrong. Not normally but on the rare occasion that something can happen then following advice having a safe call is important. So posting this shouldn't make anyone afraid but it should make you more aware and taking precautions is a wise thing to do.

I hope everyone continues to be safe.

thanks for the post. really good advice for those of us just starting out in this.

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Wow! Thanks for all the great information. Being new to this I have thought about how to ensure my safety in the event I meet someone. I like the online dating story as I'm in no way ready for friends/family to know about my need to be spanked!

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I have decided to post this on both boards because I feel you can't be to safe in the spanking world. I feel and so do many others that a safe call is vital and could be life saving if things get out of hand.

I had one with my first 2 disiciplinarians and I took a friend with me when meeting Larry.

There is nothing embarrassing about confiding in someone that you are meeting someone for this. If need be contact one of the respected disciplinarians on the board and let them know where you will be and when and give them the number you can be reached.

Lots of things can happen and doing this can go very wrong. Not normally but on the rare occasion that something can happen then following advice having a safe call is important. So posting this shouldn't make anyone afraid but it should make you more aware and taking precautions is a wise thing to do.

I hope everyone continues to be safe.

back in april i went to meet a spanker that i had met in feb on the inet....he was sweet, caring, fun and a strict disciplinarian...he and i had discussed my self-esteem issues, school, my life goals and infractions. i went to see him in another state...spent the whole weekend with him. i knew spanking was inevitable and i was very receptive and compliant...as a newbie...i was spanked to the point of tears and not extremely severe bcuz he didnt want to scare me off. it was an amazing weekend and i left for home a changed person....its what happened after i got home that was the hard part....its like i was never there to him..he has never called or emailed me again...i feel used and betrayed and made a total fool of...i was so into the whole idea and thought that i had found something amazing in this lifestyle and then bam it was gone...i was just another ass to spank and im kicking myself for it.

my point is....the whole thing about taking off for the weekend without anyone knowing where i was...was very irresponsible and reckless...i should be spanked severly for doing it. u just cant trust everyone fully. i couldve been harmed and it scares me...be safe, dawnmarie

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back in april i went to meet a spanker that i had met in feb on the inet....he was sweet, caring, fun and a strict disciplinarian...he and i had discussed my self-esteem issues, school, my life goals and infractions. i went to see him in another state...spent the whole weekend with him. i knew spanking was inevitable and i was very receptive and compliant...as a newbie...i was spanked to the point of tears and not extremely severe bcuz he didnt want to scare me off. it was an amazing weekend and i left for home a changed person....its what happened after i got home that was the hard part....its like i was never there to him..he has never called or emailed me again...i feel used and betrayed and made a total fool of...i was so into the whole idea and thought that i had found something amazing in this lifestyle and then bam it was gone...i was just another ass to spank and im kicking myself for it.

my point is....the whole thing about taking off for the weekend without anyone knowing where i was...was very irresponsible and reckless...i should be spanked severly for doing it. u just cant trust everyone fully. i couldve been harmed and it scares me...be safe, dawnmarie

Wow, well I'm glad that nothing severe happened. Sadly you were just another "ass to spank" but in the long run that's better than any other alternative. I feel like I understand what you mean because I would have thought the same thing, that I had finally found what I was looking for. Flying out to meet with him all weekend...wow, that's a big deal. Glad to see you're okay (even tho not emotionally) It is a lesson learned, but do not beat yourself up over it, there is nothing to do about it now.

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If I was ever in a position to meet someone for something like this (I mean if my husband was dead), you can bet your booty there would be people who knew where I was going and why. My best friend knows I like this, although we've never discussed it in depth. She thinks it is just about a little "slap and tickle". If I decided to meet up with a Top for a spanking, she'd have no qualms about going with me to meet the dude. I have several other friends from another spanking forum site that I could turn to as well to check up on me. I would never go willy nilly without back up.

This world is scary enough just going to Luby's or the grocery store.

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Fantastic post, and I am glad to see that someone brought it up!

I know that in a lot of circles this works well!

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Wow, thanks for posting this and for all the great advice! I am a total newbie to this, and it would have never occurred to me to have a safety call. Thanks a million!

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I have decided to post this on both boards because I feel you can't be to safe in the spanking world. I feel and so do many others that a safe call is vital and could be life saving if things get out of hand.

I had one with my first 2 disiciplinarians and I took a friend with me when meeting Larry.

There is nothing embarrassing about confiding in someone that you are meeting someone for this. If need be contact one of the respected disciplinarians on the board and let them know where you will be and when and give them the number you can be reached.

Lots of things can happen and doing this can go very wrong. Not normally but on the rare occasion that something can happen then following advice having a safe call is important. So posting this shouldn't make anyone afraid but it should make you more aware and taking precautions is a wise thing to do.

I hope everyone continues to be safe.

Fine words, lilac, but its more humiliating for a man to admit he wants to be spanked, than it is for a woman. I would totally loose my credabillity with friends, if I told them that I fantasise about being hauled over a woman/girls knee for a spanking. As per usual, woman does not see things from anyone's perspective but their own. Women as multi-taskers? sure, apart from giving birth, they can fart and chew gum at the same time! that's her limit!

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Good post. Good suggestions. Sucks precautions must be taken, but wholeheartedly agree. We're supposed to be having fun. I recommend casual public meetings first, perhaps over coffee, and building a relationship first before any play. Just makes sense to me. I don't want to have to keep looking for partner after partner. (My last 'partner' and I played for 10yrs..) I want to build long-term relationship(s) with people. I don't play with anyone I don't know a little about and enjoy being with!

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Guest cpgiver

As a spanker, my subs sometimes choose to use safe words to stop the action and several use safe calls or pre-arranged contacts to let their close friends know that all is well with them. I too exercise discretion and observe commonsense safety thinking when dealing with an unknown spankee the first time or two. In the same way that one can stumble across dangerous wierdos who offer to spank, there are some very strange and not-so-good people out there who claim they want to be spanked, but have other, more sinister intentions as their private agenda.

Details of name/date/place are unimportant here, but the basics deserve a mention. Several years ago I was contacted via a forum similar to this one, by a prospective spankee. She seemed to have all the right answers to my questions and if words were all I depended upon to make a judgement call - she would have been a fantastic submissive spank partner. We had begun contact via email and had shared one phone call for some specifics. However I had that funny feeling in my gut, and when that happens I respect my intuition. I deferred the session for several weeks, wanting to check out the location of her place where the spanking was to be given. It was a bit remote, but not unusually so. Long story short, three days after responding to her third email and mentioning the date I would be available, our local newspapers carried the story of a drug and weapons bust. Guess where it happened? Yep, the same address that I almost ended up at. Among the various illegal items discovered and seized were large caches of automatic weapons, ammo, and quantities of illicit drugs.

Whether or not that person really was a spanko who sought discipline from me was a moot point - I felt uneasy about the location and her overly-eager approach; and my hesitancy proved to be a good thing. Moral of this little anecdote..............never push yourself into any spanking session (either as a giver or taker) unless you feel comfortable with the other person. Sometimes, even an email can give off the wrong signals.

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