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Guest lilac

A safe call.

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I have had several people use a safe call the first time they have visited me. With my first spanking partner, her daughter called and we were on the driving range hitting a bucket of balls - we still laugh about that.

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Hello everyone,

Im new to this site, but not the lifestyle, in my intro I basically give a crash course in me and my policies. I have decided to repost a portion of it here. Because it is definitely related to safety.

I am a firm believer that for every participant, these things are necessary.
1 ) Safe Sane and Consensual
2 ) Trust is paramount, If something feels wrong and you don't trust the other person, don't play!
3 ) Always, Always, Always use a safe word.
4 ) Agree to all terms and limits in advance, (state of dress, positions, implements, etc)
5 ) Just as with safe words, Always have a safe call in place.
a ) This is vital especially for first private meets even if you have been talking to them for years on the phone, chat rooms or skype.
b )Always meet in public first, A meal gives each party a chance to break the ice. And take care of number 4 above
c ) Call when leaving the restaurant, even if you decided not to go any further, but especially if you are going someplace private.
d ) Call when you arrive giving your safe call an address, vehicle tag number, name and description of the person you are playing with.
e ) When you take a break call, let them know you are sore, but otherwise okay.
f ) And last but not least, call when you leave the location, if your safe call wants you to call when you get home, do that as well, for their peace of mind.
6 ) Keep a record of all contacts and discussions, just in case your "date" is a rotten apple. It happens, unfortunately.

Should a bottom ever wish to meet me I would personally have no problem with them bringing a trusted friend along for the meet and limit discussions, I would gladly even give my number and contact info to the friend for their peace of mind or in case (as has happened to me my bottoms phone died because she forgot to charge it) I let her use my phone to make the safe calls. But I gave her additional punishment because of her carelessness. Needless to say she never forgot to charge her phone again, at least before she met me.
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I learned this the hard scary way. I met a daddy online, talked, hit it off, met in public twice but once in his home on a vist he locked bolts on the door I couldn't reach and tied me which I'd never agreed to and then refused to let me go for hours. I was terrified. I had told no one from embarrassment. Thank god I had my phone hidden in my purse and when it rang randomly I told him it was a friend checking on me, that police would be called if I didn't answer. He let me go. I did call police and file a report but he got off --- I can't recall why. But now I tell somebody.

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When I invite a female to my home for the first time, I usually suggest that they have a safe call before, during and after the visit. I let them know that it is ok if they provide my address to their safe call and make sure that they understand that they are free to leave at any time if they are not comfortable. So far, I have never had anyone leave - in fact, they have usually stayed a little longer. I never forget that they are human beings and I treat them as such.

It makes them feel more comfortable with me, and when the spankee is comfortable, it is more enjoyable for me and her. As enjoyable as discipline can be anyway (lol). ;-)

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I learned this the hard scary way. I met a daddy online, talked, hit it off, met in public twice but once in his home on a vist he locked bolts on the door I couldn't reach and tied me which I'd never agreed to and then refused to let me go for hours. I was terrified. I had told no one from embarrassment. Thank god I had my phone hidden in my purse and when it rang randomly I told him it was a friend checking on me, that police would be called if I didn't answer. He let me go. I did call police and file a report but he got off --- I can't recall why. But now I tell somebody.

Its stories like this that keep me away from anything beyond a a meetup. One thing I did learn was to take a LOT of TIME, and maybe a few meetups. I still do basic background checks; but for me, the ideal would be a recommendation from someone who can vouch for the person.

Unfortunately, not very easy to do.

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Guest RedBHind

I just learned a lot of valuable info from reading this terrific discussion!! Lots of very cool info here!! Definitely a "must read" for all seeking any type of person to person encounter.

On this same note I think that the old saying "safety in numbers" is a great concept. It would be really cool to have a local group meeting or munch for those like myself who are interested in spanking only but are not into other types of S&M.

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Most of the material here applies to spankees, and we can assume we are talking mostly female spankees. All of the information is valuable and I would certainly insist on many of the measures if I were to be the spanker. I'm a switch and I have a question about spanker safety. It has been mentioned that some spankers have been set up to meet a woman, only to be robbed or worse by male colleagues. My concern is about blackmail. As a spanker, what is to stop the female spankee from threatening to call the police, claiming the spanking was not consensual, but that in fact, it was assault?

I guess it comes down to what so many posters have said: know who you're dealing with.

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Hi Houston,

You might find some of the material in this discussion helpful: http://www.spankingneeds.com/board/index.php?showtopic=16524&view=&hl=&fromsearch=1.

The bottom line (so to speak) is that there are no guarantees. This is all considered to be very shady business by the vanilla world. I would recommend that you get to know any potential spankee VERY well before moving into an actual spanking relationship. You might also consider waiting until after your divorce is final, which might give you more peace of mind related to your worries about blackmail.

Good luck,

kate

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Thanks for the forum link, Kate. I am the world's worst worry wart and I am convinced from the posts in a few threads that I will just stick to established, professional spankers. Thanks again.

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You're welcome. There are some very good-hearted and trustworthy people here. I'm glad that I took a leap of faith to meet a few of them. What I did was spend a lot of time reading back through the forums, and I picked out one person who seemed consistently kind and level-headed in her posts over the years and who was well connected in the SN community. I established a relationship with her through private messaging, and cultivated trust over a number of months. She was able to recommend a spanker not too far from me (who I also took several months to get to know before meeting), and I've met a few other carefully selected folks here through the same process. I consider all of them to be among my closer friends and "support people" now, and I'm very grateful to the site for providing a forum for me to meet such wonderful people.

But there are also some flakes, as you've undoubtedly discovered, so you are wise to be careful and to take things slowly. As the saying goes, just because you are paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you. But I hope you'll also take into consideration that there is some risk involved in most things that are worth our while.

Or, as Rear Admiral Grace Hopper once said, "A ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are built for."

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As a spanker, what is to stop the female spankee from threatening to call the police, claiming the spanking was not consensual, but that in fact, it was assault?

Unfortunately, the answer to this is absolutely nothing. Something I always keep in the forefront of my mind is this subject matter attracts people who inherently have emotional issues and this adds up to instability and uncertainty in some but not all cases. Taking time to get to know a person and taking the time to build a support network here cannot be understated. Additionally, being aware enough of what's happening between you and someone you wish to meet can bring about clues to a person's true intentions. Admittedly, it's not always easy to tell and add to that the fact that a person may really want something to work so bad that they ignore the warning signs until it's too late.

Take things slow and develop your support network. This is a lifetime venture, not a one night stand....

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This is a great thread. Safety is such an important thing. I'm one of those people who wears a safety pin on my shirt at all times as a signal to those who recognize it that I'll step in is they are dealing with any kind of abuse. In the hateful stuff that followed the election my daughter got her tires slashed a day or two later because she still had a Bernie Sanders magnet on her car. She lives about an hour away and is 24 and had never dealt with anything like it before so protection has become very important to me. She lost a day's work and I used up a whole day (I'm retired so that pat was no big deal) and we were able to make a positive out of a negative, getting a whole dad of one on one (I have three other daughters and try to make sure that they each get one to one dad and daughter time). She even bought me lunch which was a first!

Anyway, that's mostly just a be aware story. I still like to believe that most people are good and rational but there are crazies and genuinely evil people out there so watch yourself.

If you were ever to encounter me for a spanking I'd want you to have every protection including safe calls, ready access to your phone before, during and after, You of course would be safe with me but there's no reason that you should ever take that for granted.

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Great thread. It's good to see everyone on board with good sense like this. I like to encourage young ladies to use a safe call/text for meet ups like this and even for more vanilla first dates as well (like with a Tinder date).

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On 9/20/2010 at 10:04 AM, Guest 2bspanked said:

Okay-this post tells me that not only am I new, new, new - like fresh-out-of-secrecy- with-my-spanking- "thing" new, but after reading this I realize that I might also be terribly naive. I've spent a lifetime hiding this urge in a dark corner of my psyche and never discussing it with anyone, then I find this forum and realize I might be closer to "normal" (whatever that is) than I ever thought. After a lifetime of caring too much what others might think, actually speaking with an experienced spanker has had me fighting the "scream-it-from-the-mountaintop" urge cause it feels so good to begin accepting this part of me regardless of what some may think....

But now the realities:

I think I understand the potential dangers in this for women, especially women spankees.....but can someone be more specific about the dangers for spankee guys who only want a female spanker? Are there identify concerns here? In other words, are there actually creepy people who would try to use their knowledge of someones's identity and involvement in spanking as some sort of extortion or leverage? For example, I am married, and unfortunately my involvement needs to remain a secret for now....do I need to be concerned about someone using that against me? Or is the threat more basic like getting your wallet rifled while your pants are gone, or getting restrained and having a spanker go overboard.

Sorry to be so thick-headed, just stuff I never, ever would have considered (I'm a pretty trusting person).....but maybe I should

2b

I think dangers can be unwanted sexual advances and losing control and causing physical abuse/bruising/restraints that is not prior authorized or agreed to. I'm just curious if the person was legitimate would they care if you hold your mace or tazer the first time during the spanking so you have a level of security.?

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Yeah, I didn't do any of this except having two very public meetings the one time I actually agreed to meet up with a spanker I met online. I got lucky, he was a genuine guy and was very nice, though I was uncomfortable because I had never done it before (it was not him making me uncomfortable, just me being so new). I only had one person I thought I could trust, but they ended up not being available at the last minute and I couldn't change meetup plans. But this was like 3 years ago right after I had turned 18, so I couldn't exactly join any sites like this before that without getting in trouble with the sites.

Actually managed to do that accidentally on a dating site when I was 17, I put in my real birthday in and it let me sign up, so I thought it allowed 17-year-olds to sign up. It was a glitch and someone threatened to report me to the damn FBI if I didn't meet up with him to be "punished". I noped the hell out of there right quick.

If any other situation, I have never once agreed to meet ANYONE in person without talking to them enough that I can at least trust them a bit, and then having at least one video call with them so I know I'm talking to who I was told I was. I even have a dummy Skype set up for it that has no real personally identifiable information on it, just the photo I only use for sites like this, the name I use, and the dummy email I have for sites like this. Well, and my state. But that's because my state is always on these things so I can find people close to me easier haha. I do highly recommend it, because for me, it has always worked out and I did meet exactly who I thought I was meeting. It's how I met my best friend, and this year marks five years of friendship. We actually had a pretty great time when we finally got to meet in person for the first time (they're in Nevada, I'm in Texas, so you can imagine how difficult that was), they introduced me to some of their friends and everything was mostly great. Would've been perfect without anxiety existing.

Sorry, I tend to ramble. TL:DR;

Consider having a dummy Skype to video call anyone you're considering meeting up with to make sure they are who they claim to be, and if they're not willing to video call, you should probably nope out of there.

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On 12/31/2014 at 2:15 PM, Puppy4u said:

I learned this the hard scary way. I met a daddy online, talked, hit it off, met in public twice but once in his home on a vist he locked bolts on the door I couldn't reach and tied me which I'd never agreed to and then refused to let me go for hours. I was terrified. I had told no one from embarrassment. Thank god I had my phone hidden in my purse and when it rang randomly I told him it was a friend checking on me, that police would be called if I didn't answer. He let me go. I did call police and file a report but he got off --- I can't recall why. But now I tell somebody.

Holy crap!glad to here you are ok in the end! You should put his name out on sites so no one else can get hurt or worse by him! 

 

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