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don't you have to get to know the other person?

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Guest luvpats

I am sorry and I will probably get bashed for this. . .however. . .there does seem to be this perception, especially in a few of the posts that I have read lately that anyone can just go for a quick spank-n-go. . .don't bother getting to know the other person. . .any hand will do. . .any bottom will do. . .

I totally agree one of the posters on this board was unfairly condemned but there is some truth to getting to know the other person and feel "safe". . .not only safety for the spanker but also for the spankee. . .

References aside. . .and really they don't mean much because everyone is different in terms of "needs". . .however certainly there has to be some form of bond established. . .whether it be personal or professional. . .and respect and trust. . .and that goes both ways. . .

Now maybe I am all wrong. . .this is all new to me and I have not posted for a while but have been doing a lot of reading. . .

I could not go to anyone. . .neither personally nor professionally. . .and just have them start spanking me without some form of feeling of comfort and safety. . .not only for me but also for the other person. . .maybe it is my insecurities. . .maybe it is my past coming back to haunt me. . .

It appears in some of the posts I have read that respect and trust, comfort and safety are being ignored for the sake of any hand. . .any bottom. . .

If you want that type of activity I would recommend a spanking party. . .I went to a couple and promptly went home. . .it didn't matter what your name was or anything. . .any bottom will do. . .any hand will do. . .you will get red and sore and don't have to get to know anyone. . .

But if you are seeking someone and something on a more personal/professional level I really do think you have to get to know the other person at least to a point of having security, comfort and respect and trust for BOTH parties involved. . .

Happy New Year!

Kind Regards,

Rick

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Rick, there are a lot of different opinions out there.

Some people really are into the spank-n-go deal. Me, I would never choose that route. I am the poster child for caution. If I don't feel I really know someone, I will not even consider meeting with them. Also, they have to fit into my general philosophy of a disciplinary relationship.

I am not interested in game playing, role playing, age-play, or any type of sexual relationship. I am also not interested in any kind of dominance or bondage. Anyone who tried to pull that crap on me wold find himself (or herself) "hurtin' for certain." I wasn't born to be some insecure loser's slave or sex toy.

Just because I benefit from spanking doesn't mean that I am submissive in any sense of the word.

Personally, I think the relationship between the mentor and the people he/she spanks is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. If I don't care about the person, what he/she thinks has little influence on me. When I care about the person, I want to succeed--not only for myself, but for that person as well. A good mentor motivates his mentee. If my mentor doesn't KNOW me, how can he know how to motivate me?

I have had deep and intensely "intimate" (not in a sexual way) relationships with my mentors and with my mentees. I think the term I really want to use is "authentic" to describe the relationships. These are not "reindeer games for me and those I associate with. They are real relationships with real human beings who care about each other.

I've probably rambled and been unclear, but I do understand what you are saying, and I agree with you.

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Guest luvpats

well stated Cocoa Puff, very well stated. Happy New Year!

Rick, there are a lot of different opinions out there.

Some people really are into the spank-n-go deal. Me, I would never choose that route. I am the poster child for caution. If I don't feel I really know someone, I will not even consider meeting with them. Also, they have to fit into my general philosophy of a disciplinary relationship.

I am not interested in game playing, role playing, age-play, or any type of sexual relationship. I am also not interested in any kind of dominance or bondage. Anyone who tried to pull that crap on me wold find himself (or herself) "hurtin' for certain." I wasn't born to be some insecure loser's slave or sex toy.

Just because I benefit from spanking doesn't mean that I am submissive in any sense of the word.

Personally, I think the relationship between the mentor and the people he/she spanks is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. If I don't care about the person, what he/she thinks has little influence on me. When I care about the person, I want to succeed--not only for myself, but for that person as well. A good mentor motivates his mentee. If my mentor doesn't KNOW me, how can he know how to motivate me?

I have had deep and intensely "intimate" (not in a sexual way) relationships with my mentors and with my mentees. I think the term I really want to use is "authentic" to describe the relationships. These are not "reindeer games for me and those I associate with. They are real relationships with real human beings who care about each other.

I've probably rambled and been unclear, but I do understand what you are saying, and I agree with you.

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a few of the posts that I have read lately that anyone can just go for a quick spank-n-go. . .don't bother getting to know the other person. . .any hand will do. . .any bottom will do. . .

. . . there is some truth to getting to know the other person and feel "safe". . .not only safety for the spanker but also for the spankee. . .

There are about as many reasons to get spanked as there are spankings. I'm one of those who enjoys the sensation. I don't need punishment, I don't need someone to help me to live my life better, I just like laying across the lap of an attractive woman and having her spank me. There are others who are seeking essentially a life coach or therapist who uses spanking as part of the treatment. And then there are those to whom spanking is simply sexual foreplay, though I don't think we have many of those hanging around here.

But just because I'm a spank-and-go type doesn't mean that any hand will do. I do my research and have some communication with my spanker to see that we're compatible. One of the things most important to me are that my spanker enjoys the activity. I don't get any value from a spanking from a pure disciplinarian who evaluates the infraction and metes out punishment. Though I've "played" that scene before, both I and my spanker know that it's not for real. If it was, it would probably be damaging to my mental health. But others find this sort of spanking to be therapeutic. I personally don't understand this, but I only condemn it when it appears to be phony or desperate. (an example from the other side is all the guys who say they are available to mentor women under 30)

I get my spankings from professionals with a good reputation because I find that they're particularly trustworthy. They won't rip me off, they'll give a genuine spanking, and they understand and respect limits. In other words, I know I won't get hurt, and in close to 20 years of playing like this (I'm a light and occasional player, maybe 2-3 times a year) I've managed to get what I'm looking for and have never had my heart or my ass broken.

So, sure, you can find many reasons and many ways to get spanked. As an adult, you have the freedom of choice, though some seem to be comfortable giving up that freedom and letting their mentor decide when they need a spanking and when they don't. You have to figure out for yourself just what you really want, and then start looking for it. But whatever your approach, be thorough in your research and don't let anyone hurt you in ways that will be damaging.

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Not sure what parties you've been to, but try spanking anyone at random at Crimson Moon and you'll likely be out on the sidewalk in no time. My first time I spanked maybe 4 bottoms, and only playfully and only after getting to know the person (some of whom I'd already known for a long time online). The second time I went there was more spanking, but each time you go you know more people than the last time. So what looks like quick hookups to you may be people who are well acquainted, or at least have known each other for a while before finally meeting in person.

Now, for discipline, my advice is to meet once without a session, in public. More often than not, spankees have asked me for a session on the first meeting. I don't impose it, but many already feel comfortable by that time because we've talked for a long time and they've checked me out. So we will do a get-acquainted session. But it isn't as casual or haphazard as you may be making it sound.

Now if there are people at parties spanking each other with complete reckless abandon, well, it may not be advisable but all you can do is warn people, but they have to make their own decisions.

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Hey, Rick and the gang

Nice sentiments. At the beginning, i always wanted someone intimate to paddle me. Now that i'm married to someone not interested in spanking me at all, i'm about willing to take a paddling from anyone. We get that way when we never get spanked. Clearly, someone close and/or intimate would be best. But, sometimes we get to needing a paddling very badly. I think i'd even take a hard paddling from somebody at the gym or in the locker room, Woman or man.

I am sorry and I will probably get bashed for this. . .however. . .there does seem to be this perception, especially in a few of the posts that I have read lately that anyone can just go for a quick spank-n-go. . .don't bother getting to know the other person. . .any hand will do. . .any bottom will do. . .

I totally agree one of the posters on this board was unfairly condemned but there is some truth to getting to know the other person and feel "safe". . .not only safety for the spanker but also for the spankee. . .

References aside. . .and really they don't mean much because everyone is different in terms of "needs". . .however certainly there has to be some form of bond established. . .whether it be personal or professional. . .and respect and trust. . .and that goes both ways. . .

Now maybe I am all wrong. . .this is all new to me and I have not posted for a while but have been doing a lot of reading. . .

I could not go to anyone. . .neither personally nor professionally. . .and just have them start spanking me without some form of feeling of comfort and safety. . .not only for me but also for the other person. . .maybe it is my insecurities. . .maybe it is my past coming back to haunt me. . .

It appears in some of the posts I have read that respect and trust, comfort and safety are being ignored for the sake of any hand. . .any bottom. . .

If you want that type of activity I would recommend a spanking party. . .I went to a couple and promptly went home. . .it didn't matter what your name was or anything. . .any bottom will do. . .any hand will do. . .you will get red and sore and don't have to get to know anyone. . .

But if you are seeking someone and something on a more personal/professional level I really do think you have to get to know the other person at least to a point of having security, comfort and respect and trust for BOTH parties involved. . .

Happy New Year!

Kind Regards,

Rick

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First of all, I wouldn't bash anyone. I've taken the spank and go approach many times in my life, and will again. Sometimes, it takes a while to find the right fit for the spanker and spankee. Sometimes, nice people aren't sure thery are up to the responsibility of a longer term agreement, so they don't want to make any arrangements until both have gotten to know one another. Also there is a certain freedom in just saying "oh why not!"

The safe approach even with one time spanks is important, taking time to talk and agree to meet. After that meeting if either of you wants to walk away then it's ok to do so. There are just so many variables including appearence. Should I remind somebody of someone they would never conceive of spanking because it would just be weird, that would be a no go. No hard feelings, and it was a nice road trip. (it really was, I love to drive to new palces!)

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OOOOOOOOOkay? So is the consensus that a spank n go approach isn't about adult discipline but rather about gratification? I personally don't see how spank n go can be about anything but gratification. Now another question and don't take offense but isn't it sort of like meeting a need by seeking out a prostitute? Is that a reasonable comparison? Would this also make the danger for both parties similar?

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OOOOOOOOOkay? So is the consensus that a spank n go approach isn't about adult discipline but rather about gratification? I personally don't see how spank n go can be about anything but gratification. Now another question and don't take offense but isn't it sort of like meeting a need by seeking out a prostitute? Is that a reasonable comparison? Would this also make the danger for both parties similar?

Well this site is called spanking needs and I guess people who can't get that need met some other way, come here. Some want that need met without all the messiness that comes along with being in a commited relationship.

Maybe people come here to try the lifestyle on for size before they are ready to commit to it with a long term partner. Well as I always say, "Different strokes for different folks."

...............................Trader Lee

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OOOOOOOOOkay? So is the consensus that a spank n go approach isn't about adult discipline but rather about gratification? I personally don't see how spank n go can be about anything but gratification. Now another question and don't take offense but isn't it sort of like meeting a need by seeking out a prostitute? Is that a reasonable comparison? Would this also make the danger for both parties similar?

I understand how you could come to the conclusion that "spank n go" (love that expression, btw) is similar to seeing a prostitute, but you could make the same comparison about a lot of things, such as someone who goes to a (traditional) therapist for only a few sessions to get help with a short-term situation (say, some traumatic event like a death or divorce) but who doesn't want or need ongoing therapy. Or a person who has been under a lot of stress & just needs a spa day or a weekend at the beach (or a good endorphine producing spanking) to recharge her batteries.

For some, it might be about gratification, & what's wrong with that? A glass of wine after a long day is about gratification, too, & why not? (& I'm talking about the occasional glass of wine here, not alcohol dependence, obviously...) But sometimes the single spanking session can be very much about discipline. Some people either don't want or don't need the whole mentor/mentee relationship; they might feel the need for a spanking after they've done something they feel bad about & feel they should pay for. As I understand it, the Catholic ritual of confession serves a similar purpose: you do something wrong, you confess, you do penance & you're absolved -- no more guilt, you've paid for it & it's finished. & you don't need to have an ongoing relationship with the priest, either. Strange analogy, maybe, but it makes sense to me, at least. (Hope I haven't pissed off any Catholics.) Instead of having a disciplinarian to take charge & who might use other tactics also, like scolding or time-outs, the spankee just requires someone to administer a spanking, nothing more. Doesn't necessarily mean it isn't discipline, or isn't effective.

(As far as going to a complete stranger, that crosses the line -- I don't think anybody should EVER be that careless, no matter how brief & "to the point" the spanking is going to be. You still need to observe basic common sense & protect yourself!)

Anyway, that's my two cents...

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On 12/31/2008 at 11:35 AM, OwwItHz said:

So, sure, you can find many reasons and many ways to get spanked. As an adult, you have the freedom of choice, though some seem to be comfortable giving up that freedom and letting their mentor decide when they need a spanking and when they don't. You have to figure out for yourself just what you really want, and then start looking for it. But whatever your approach, be thorough in your research and don't let anyone hurt you in ways that will be damaging.

Very good.

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On 12/30/2008 at 7:12 PM, CocoaPuff said:

 

I am not interested in game playing, role playing, age-play, or any type of sexual relationship. I am also not interested in any kind of dominance or bondage. Anyone who tried to pull that crap on me wold find himself (or herself) "hurtin' for certain." I wasn't born to be some insecure loser's slave or sex toy. Just because I benefit from spanking doesn't mean that I am submissive in any sense of the word.

 

Personally, I think the relationship between the mentor and the people he/she spanks is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. If I don't care about the person, what he/she thinks has little influence on me. When I care about the person, I want to succeed--not only for myself, but for that person as well. A good mentor motivates his mentee. If my mentor doesn't KNOW me, how can he know how to motivate me?

I have had deep and intensely "intimate" (not in a sexual way) relationships with my mentors and with my mentees. I think the term I really want to use is "authentic" to describe the relationships... They are real relationships with real human beings who care about each other.

This is so well said that I cannot add anything helpful to it. I agree whole-heartedly. 

On 1/2/2009 at 10:06 PM, ammon said:

At the beginning, i always wanted someone intimate to paddle me. Now that i'm married to someone not interested in spanking me at all, i'm about willing to take a paddling from anyone. We get that way when we never get spanked.... 

We can't help but have compassionate hearts for our friends in this situation. The spanking drive is incredibly strong, and when this need is never met, people can feel desperate, some of them so much so that they choose the "spank-n-go" option, rather than getting nothing at all.

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Maybe this forum is different from what it was in 2008.  Most wouldn’t have a problem with the op for what s/he wants or doesn’t want.  There’s a few, and I ran into one recently, but not many.

 

I think many don’t think spank and go is good or ideal, even some of those who may be accepting of it because they’ve been so long without finding anything or are just novices making mistakes.  To those who do think it’s good, we’ll just hope you are able to stay safe.

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The need can be quite strong, but meeting someone you barely know, usually won’t get you the best results.  In my opinion, the whole spanking experience is so much better and less awkward if you know your spanker well.  The time you spend, getting to know your spanker/ and them getting to know you, will be well worth it.  Having a spanker who cares about you/knows your limits etc makes a difference.  Having a spankee you know well, helps in a variety of ways.  They know what the ee wants/what triggers are/ knows their story.  Great friendships can build from this.   Some are ok with meeting with a stranger or being spanked by whoever at parties.  To each their own.  I personally need an emotional connection for the dynamic to work.  

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1 hour ago, Jaded said:

The need can be quite strong, but meeting someone you barely know, usually won’t get you the best results.  In my opinion, the whole spanking experience is so much better and less awkward if you know your spanker well.  The time you spend, getting to know your spanker/ and them getting to know you, will be well worth it.  Having a spanker who cares about you/knows your limits etc makes a difference.  Having a spankee you know well, helps in a variety of ways.  They know what the ee wants/what triggers are/ knows their story.  Great friendships can build from this.   Some are ok with meeting with a stranger or being spanked by whoever at parties.  To each their own.  I personally need an emotional connection for the dynamic to work.  

agree mostly...With that said...  There are needs at times when the need for Cathartic Spanking...

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I met a couple a few years back who were willing to spank me. We communicated back and forth by email so they understood exactly what I wanted and to make sure they were comfortable doing what I wished. 

When we finally met it went extremely well because I already felt comfortable with them and I pretty much knew what was going to happen. 

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The closer I have been to someone who has spanked me, the more I have felt it to be an authentic spanking.

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First things first. I am seriously tempted to open up a Spank n' Go, like a very specialized 7-11, maybe offer franchises and so forth. Also, it's been said in earlier replies but bears repeating, everyone's needs will vary, not just person to person but individual's needs vary over time. My spanking desires/needs vary month to month sometimes. There have been occasions over the years where I've met someone online, exchanged a couple messages, and met that evening at a hotel for a fairly intense session. I wouldn't repeat it these days, for several reasons. Safety being one, but also because in those situations, the ladies were interested exclusively in having their needs met. If mine were as well then that was fine, but if not then oh well. It was very... impersonal. At the time though, I was ok with that. I needed release. I'm older now, and frankly more selective in my choice of partner. Thus, I want to get to know someone before meeting them, preferably through messaging/chatting, and ideally with a public meeting prior to any sessions as well. I personally, don't particularly care for the disciplinary aspect of things. I only wish to be spanked maybe 15% of the time, and have never had any interest in it as punishment or discipline. I simply enjoy the sensation. When providing a spanking for someone else, I don't mind doing so as a disciplinary/punishment session if that's what my partner needs. Nor do I mind a bit of roleplaying, as long as the roles being played don't make me too uncomfortable. I have limits, which are always discussed beforehand, and my play partners do as well. 

Bottom line, there are about as many answers to this issue as there are spanking enthusiasts I suppose. To each their own. Be safe and have fun!

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The degree of relationship needed to enter a spanking session is one of those things that we could discuss forever. 

I am very pleased that this group continues to recognize differences in people and situations. There does not need to be a consensus on what is “appropriate.”

I was taught in  school that one of the signs of a healthy family or healthy community is the degree to which people can disagree and remain respectfully connected.  Based on that, we are pretty healthy!

I don’t think I have anything to add, aside from saying how pleased I am that everyone has a point of view that respects others’ individual situations.  

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To me it's of great importance to first build a real connection of trust, respect, feeling good about each other, etc. and there has to be a click for me. I could indeed let myself spank at such a party (wish they had them here in the Netherlands!), but not if it's about a private person that is about to become your mentor/spanker/disciplinarian or even a possible partner in a relationship. It takes time to get to know each other and in my humble opinion you both need to invest this.

Of course fantasies can go wild sometimes, mine certainly do and in that land of fantasy anyone could spank ;) But in real life it's all different. Of course all people have a different view on this, but this is mine... Trust is a must as well as at least a friendship, not only related to spanking. Because if it's only about spanking I'd buy a spanking machine 😄

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I always keep an open door of communication with whomever I have encountered, the general process of getting acquainted. When a consistent level of comfort has been established, then a public meeting is just another step in the process. Disciplinary meetings are simply directed toward a particular disciplinary issue which is needing to be assessed and/or addressed. 

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I've gotten most of mine from pros. I've wished I could have a long-term "volunteer" spanking relationship, but it's hard for me to get close to people anyway.

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