Can the difference between sexually motivated spanking and disciplinary spanking be blurry?

[nicoleS39]

I am thinking yes. I know that I, as a spankee, sometimes do that. Two mornings ago, I let my husband down by forgetting to get our license plates renewed. I had said I would take care of it two months ago...put the paperwork in my back pack...then puff...life happened and I just forgot. My husband asked the night before if it had been done. He caught it in time, but because of my schedule I could no longer get it taken care of myself...so he had to take time away from work to do it...otherwise they would be expired. For us, this was very much a disciplinary spanking offense.So...yes...he tanned my hide but good. I bent over and got the school paddle over nothing but my panties, then arms over head and he wore my bare bottom and thighs out with his belt. No fun in this...I was bawling and wailing and not saying...."thank you"....but all I could say was...."I'm sorry...sorry" between sobs and yelps of many swats of the belt, and his continued lecturing comments as he punished me. Afterwards. I found myself over his knee...getting a long hard hand spanking I thought would never end. So...now...as we have done done...I am on my knees in front of him, resting my head in his lap as he sits on the armless chair....and he is letting me cry it all out as he comforts me and strokes my hair. Well....I just want to show him my love...kind of make it up to him for the inconvenience my carelessness had caused him....so I start kissing his bulge and trying to undo his zipper with my teeth. Not a wise move....he definitely kept it disciplinary. While I knew he would like me to do that...I once again found myself back over his knee and getting spanked with his hand again...for trying to turn this spanking into a sexual moment. He made it clear..."that" would have to wait until later...and that "this" was all about disciplining me. I wound up red butt, arms folded behind my back, nose in the corner...while he took a shower....alone without me. I was allowed to shower after he had dressed and was walking out the doirvto go to the BMV and then work. I later apologized to him...we have been having more sexual erotic spankings of late, and I guess I just kind of forgot...we are still very much in agreement to continue our disciplinary dynamic. I blurred the line between the two...but it is good he remained strong and kept us on the right path for us.  I was sore all day yesterday and slept on my tummy last night...but...I deserved it and I am glad he is a strong living  man for me when I need it most.

Do any of you sometimes have lines blur between disciplinary and sexual spankings?  Just curious.

 

[arguy]

I would think so, yes.  I have definitely heard stories of ppl getting erotic during a disciplinarian spanking. 

[Scorrect]

I agree. In my case, my EE spanked only when she thought discipline was “earned” by my misbehavior.  But, since spanking is erotic for me, I occasionally would intentionally misbehave to get one. These spankings, it turned out most of the time were not erotic for me at the time, but were erotic only in retrospect as I recalled the experience. If she suspected I had intentionally bratted (and she was usually very good at catching me trying intentionally to provoke her) the result was such severe punishment that it wasn’t fun at all at the time.  For her, spanking was not erotic, although she did enjoy it. She did it because she realized that it was a highly effective tool to keep me in line and under her control.

[FlowJohnson]

Sounds like the two of you found a good solution for it. I'm pretty sure most domestic disciplinary dynamics have this problem to an extent, it just requires someone strong enough to resist the temptation and keep things disciplinary like your husband does. 😁

[spike]

Yes.

[dmirk]

The line is indeed blurry.

My wife is a lot for passionate after a discipline spanking than ones meant to get things going.

[Bramblewine]

5 hours ago, nicoleS39 said:

Do any of you sometimes have lines blur between disciplinary and sexual spankings?  Just curious.

This is all of your post that I can read. I have extreme difficulty reading electronic text if doesn't have a line's space at least once every 6 or 7 lines, and I can't make out even one word of it if it's  any longer than 8-10 lines. So all I can address is this question, and the title.

From the title, I would guess that you've experienced the lines blurring. If it's happened for you, of course the answer is yes, whether or not it's happened for anyone else.

For me personally, spanking isn't disciplinary, so I can't address that particular question from a real world perspective, but my spanking fantasies blur that line all the time. I sometimes fantasize disciplinary spanking, I read disciplinary spanking stories, and I've tried my hand at writing some. For me, that always stirs sexual feelings.

 

[Spankingmyhuby]

3 hours ago, Scorrect said:

I agree. In my case, my EE spanked only when she thought discipline was “earned” by my misbehavior.  But, since spanking is erotic for me, I occasionally would intentionally misbehave to get one. These spankings, it turned out most of the time were not erotic for me at the time, but were erotic only in retrospect as I recalled the experience. If she suspected I had intentionally bratted (and she was usually very good at catching me trying intentionally to provoke her) the result was such severe punishment that it wasn’t fun at all at the time.  For her, spanking was not erotic, although she did enjoy it. She did it because she realized that it was a highly effective tool to keep me in line and under her control.

For naughty spankees intentionally wanting a spanking. I have increased the severity of my maintenance spankings for my husband each Sunday. No more bratting. Fewer spankings is the result, however last Saturday he was a brat, but did not intentionally provoke a disciplinary session. Hope you have decreased bratting,it is unacceptable behavior. 

MS L.

 

[nicoleS39]

17 minutes ago, Bramblewine said:

This is all of your post that I can read. I have extreme difficulty reading electronic text if doesn't have a line's space at least once every 6 or 7 lines, and I can't make out even one word of it if it's  any longer than 8-10 lines. So all I can address is this question, and the title.

From the title, I would guess that you've experienced the lines blurring. If it's happened for you, of course the answer is yes, whether or not it's happened for anyone else.

For me personally, spanking isn't disciplinary, so I can't address that particular question from a real world perspective, but my spanking fantasies blur that line all the time. I sometimes fantasize disciplinary spanking, I read disciplinary spanking stories, and I've tried my hand at writing some. For me, that always stirs sexual feelings.

 

Ahh...sorry about the "no breaks" in my writing. I guess I was in a bit of a hurry this morning. I will try to do better in the future...I mean...it does not take me any extra time to start a new paragraph...lol. Sorry once again.

[danadares]

Most of the people into disciplinary spanking I've read about or talked to are into it because the idea of spanking for punishment is sexually exciting. So the excitement is about something that's not supposed to be erotic, but it is erotic because it's punishment. Typically, the spanking itself is painful, and the reason for the punishment is an unhappy one, but when there is time for some distance from that event, it is obviously sexual. Some people delay any sexual gratification to prolong the punishment, and so as to not confuse the issue.

That can be described as lines being blurred, but I don't see it as a problem. In fact, I think sexuality is an advantage in many adult discipline spanking relationships, as it provides more motivation to stick with the program.

[Bramblewine]

2 hours ago, nicoleS39 said:

Ahh...sorry about the "no breaks" in my writing. I guess I was in a bit of a hurry this morning. I will try to do better in the future...I mean...it does not take me any extra time to start a new paragraph...lol. Sorry once again.

It's all good. I just tell people that so they know.

[Bramblewine]

53 minutes ago, danadares said:

Most of the people into disciplinary spanking I've read about or talked to are into it because the idea of spanking for punishment is sexually exciting. So the excitement is about something that's not supposed to be erotic, but it is erotic because it's punishment. Typically, the spanking itself is painful, and the reason for the punishment is an unhappy one, but when there is time for some distance from that event, it is obviously sexual. Some people delay any sexual gratification to prolong the punishment, and so as to not confuse the issue.

That can be described as lines being blurred, but I don't see it as a problem. In fact, I think sexuality is an advantage in many adult discipline spanking relationships, as it provides more motivation to stick with the program.

Would anyone choose a spanking relationship at all if it weren't part of their sexuality?

I rather doubt it.

[danadares]

1 hour ago, Bramblewine said:

Would anyone choose a spanking relationship at all if it weren't part of their sexuality?

I rather doubt it.

Some people claim that their need for spanking is not sexual. They need it, but only as non-sexual discipline. I have no way of verifying what they say. I don't understand their desire, but then I don't understand a lot of things. I think it must be possible that the need is not sexual. However, because of the conflicting needs, where the lines get blurred as we're discussing here, I can understand the motivation to deny the sexuality when it exists.

[Bramblewine]

19 minutes ago, danadares said:

Some people claim that their need for spanking is not sexual. They need it, but only as non-sexual discipline. I have no way of verifying what they say. I don't understand their desire, but then I don't understand a lot of things. I think it must be possible that the need is not sexual. However, because of the conflicting needs, where the lines get blurred as we're discussing here, I can understand the motivation to deny the sexuality when it exists.

And some of the same people who say their need for spanking is not sexual also say spanking replaces sex for them. Or that they're simply not much interested in sex.

Sexuality isn't always about sex. That's what makes it so complex.

 

[Needing correction!]

29 minutes ago, danadares said:

Some people claim that their need for spanking is not sexual. They need it, but only as non-sexual discipline. I have no way of verifying what they say. I don't understand their desire, but then I don't understand a lot of things. I think it must be possible that the need is not sexual. However, because of the conflicting needs, where the lines get blurred as we're discussing here, I can understand the motivation to deny the sexuality when it exists.

I think that it's a very complicated phenomenon.

I've often said on here that corporal correction is not overtly sexual for me. It's carefully worded. I get no obvious 'gratification'  from corporal correction (indeed I am a heterosexual male, mentored and occasionally caned by another heterosexual male for discipline or punishment....which are different).

 

It is not the source of any recognisable sexual activity.

 

However I cannot say that there might not be a deep area of my subliminal sexuality that drives it. It is not conscious: I don't have a need to be punished/hurt/humiliated/beaten. But I do have a need to be held accountable for my actions and to pay a price when needed.

 

And while I do not 'like' being caned, I do find it reassuringly familiar.

 

I think it comes from an experience in my youth (which I will share if anyone wants to know).

 

I cannot say definitively that it isn't sexually driven: only that it isn't overtly driven that way. That's honesty not denial.

 

NC

 

 

 

 

[nicoleS39]

For us....for a number of years in our marriage, 11 or 12 actually... my spankings from my husband were not "sexual" in the sense that they led to or brought sexual intercourse or even arousal that led to sex.  But yes, looking back, I see where both of us were at times aroused.

But....our agreed upon protocol for those years was that we would never "have sex" immediately after or right before or during a spanking. The spankings were for the focused purpose of discipline only. Now...we had lots of sex...lol...but it was separated by hours and sometimes even "days"...sigh...from the time a spanking took place.

So...during those years....my husband primarily being the strong self controlled person, more so than me....the blurring of disciplinary spanking and sexual spanking was really not an issue for us.  Even though I was aroused, I knew better than to even think about sex during spanking or close by...aroused or not...for either of us. Anything distracting from the objective of discipline in my spankings...only got me more or harder spanking. It was viewed as a distraction of the purpose for my spankings by mutual agreement.

Only about 3 or 4 years ago did my husband start spanking me OTK to relieve my stress or anxiety, and he began fondling me in sexual ways...and there was no association with punishment for something I had done wrong. Since then...our spanking has been for still mostly discipline...but now and then sex now and then...and not related to discipline.

[Explorify]

43 minutes ago, nicoleS39 said:

 

But....our agreed upon protocol for those years was that we would never "have sex" immediately after or right before or during a spanking. The spankings were for the focused purpose of discipline only. Now...we had lots of sex...lol...but it was separated by hours and sometimes even "days"...sigh...from the time a spanking took place.

 

Only about 3 or 4 years ago did my husband start spanking me OTK to relieve my stress or anxiety, and he began fondling me in sexual ways...and there was no association with punishment for something I had done wrong. Since then...our spanking has been for still mostly discipline...but now and then sex now and then...and not related to discipline.

  IMHO, you have done this exactly right.  I have found the rule you describe to be a necessary one if the parties are in a LTR and serious about spankings being discciplinary.  As in your case, there may be relaxation over time after the parties know each other really well, but I personally think that prior to that it is asking too much of fallible human beings to try to impose a divide between discliplinary and erotic spankings without imposing a temporal barrier between the former and having sexual relations. -Ex.

[danadares]

I can see the value in requiring that there be some length of time between punishment and sexual gratification, but I also don't feel that time is always a necessity. What matters is why the spanking is being given, and what it accomplishes to resolve the issue. There could be arousal in anticipation of the spanking, but as an involuntary reaction, it is not relevant and ignored. There could be arousal after the punishment, but if the spanking has already instilled the message, then it could be time to put the whole thing behind us and move on with life. In a romantic relationship, a healthy sign of intimacy and resolution is sex — it can be the most positive way to show love and bring closure to what was a difficult event. In a non-sexual relationship, then the spankee is ultimately going to determine for themselves what they want to do.

 

Edited March 25 by danadares
a clarification

[nicoleS39]

2 hours ago, danadares said:

I can see the value in requiring that there be some length of time between punishment and sexual gratification, but I also don't feel that time is always a necessity. What matters is why the spanking is being given, and what it accomplishes to resolve the issue. There could be arousal in anticipation of the spanking, but as an involuntary reaction, it is not relevant and ignored. There could be arousal after the punishment, but if the spanking has already instilled the message, then it could be time to put the whole thing behind us and move on with life. In a romantic relationship, a healthy sign of intimacy and resolution is sex — it can be the most positive way to show love and bring closure to what was a difficult event. In a non-sexual relationship, then the spankee is ultimately going to determine for themselves what they want to do.

 

Good points. I agree.... the purpose of the spanking is paramount. Certainly, sex can be an affirmation of continued love after the disciplinary issue has been "resolved"....and for many folks the time delay would actually be non beneficial in the relationship. But, I guess for us...we felt the need to use a "time delay" to help us both maintain the distinction between "disciplinary spanking" and sex. The "black and white" simplicity has really helped me to keep things straight. I think my husband may not have needed that simplistic approach as I did, but he has probably accommodated my simpler "black and white" mindset. But yes....certainly...not everybody has the same need as I do...to separate the two by time delay.

 

[nicoleS39]

3 hours ago, Explorify said:

  IMHO, you have done this exactly right.  I have found the rule you describe to be a necessary one if the parties are in a LTR and serious about spankings being discciplinary.  As in your case, there may be relaxation over time after the parties know each other really well, but I personally think that prior to that it is asking too much of fallible human beings to try to impose a divide between discliplinary and erotic spankings without imposing a temporal barrier between the former and having sexual relations. -Ex.

[nicoleS39]

3 hours ago, Explorify said:

  IMHO, you have done this exactly right.  I have found the rule you describe to be a necessary one if the parties are in a LTR and serious about spankings being discciplinary.  As in your case, there may be relaxation over time after the parties know each other really well, but I personally think that prior to that it is asking too much of fallible human beings to try to impose a divide between discliplinary and erotic spankings without imposing a temporal barrier between the former and having sexual relations. -Ex.

Good points....yes...I do feel like we have been "evolving" in our relationship and spanking dynamic. We have discussed this and we both feel we very much still want and need to maintain an intense disciplinary dynamic....but we are more and more allowing the sexual  tone of intimacy more freedom to be indulged....as an affirmation the loving discipline....or...as just plain lust....lol.

[Chawsee]

On 3/24/2023 at 3:00 PM, Bramblewine said:

Would anyone choose a spanking relationship at all if it weren't part of their sexuality?

I rather doubt it.

I, too, am inclined to believe this.

[danadares]

18 hours ago, nicoleS39 said:

Good points. I agree.... the purpose of the spanking is paramount. Certainly, sex can be an affirmation of continued love after the disciplinary issue has been "resolved"....and for many folks the time delay would actually be non beneficial in the relationship. But, I guess for us...we felt the need to use a "time delay" to help us both maintain the distinction between "disciplinary spanking" and sex. The "black and white" simplicity has really helped me to keep things straight. I think my husband may not have needed that simplistic approach as I did, but he has probably accommodated my simpler "black and white" mindset. But yes....certainly...not everybody has the same need as I do...to separate the two by time delay.

 

That sounds effective to me. When I think of spanking for discipline, which is really the only kind I think about, there is no actual sex involved beyond just the idea that disciplinary spanking is an exciting event. I think that imposing a delay on sexual gratification adds to that excitement because it enhances the control element of punishment, and prolongs the time of being in a state of being punished. However, I also enjoy that there are a variety of possible circumstances involving spanking where different approaches can be taken, and the romantic one I described is a common climax - no pun - to a disciplinary story.

Edited March 26 by danadares

[Bspankly]

The line is getting blurry for us. During my first couple of spankings my wife joked that she hoped that my desire was just another kinky sex thing. This would not be unusual for me, and seemed to normalize this for her.

That comment was several months ago and half a dozen spankings. Today as she was wrapping up my regular spanking, she said "I guess now would be the time for a wife to take out any frustrations she may have" yes Ma'am now would be the time.

She was rubbing my bottom I thought she was done. She began spanking me with her hand saying " three fn times I asked you to put that wine glass on the top shelf" yes ma'am. We were done but I enjoyed her playfulness. 

Obviously she is evolving as we learn this new dynamic. I have told her I enjoy submitting to her punishment so we will see where it goes. I have been wondering if she would find her own motivations to be my spanker.

[wnyspankos]

It certainly can and really in the end I think it depends on your dynamic with your spanker/spankee that really determines how healthy it may or may not be.

Before I go any further, I want to stress that I am not looking to change hearts or minds as much as just give some food for thought.  If anyone disagrees, I'd love to hear another view.

One trap I think the entire Fetish world tends to fall into is pop cultures over obsession with sexual identity.  Don't get me wrong, I think it is important that we are comfortable in our own skin, and certainly important that I understand that I am a spanko at heart.  But the problem in this obsession with labels we tend to try to squeeze ourselves into a pretzel to make ourselves fit into a box, we don't fit into.  For example, my wife and I certainly have characteristics of a Domestic Discipline relationship, but also have aspects of D/s and even some BDSM.  We don't fit in any box perfectly, and furthermore, our identity is so much more than just our spanking fetish.  Really, another topic I'd like to explore in its own thread.

I've been lurking around the net, meeting all kinds of different spankos for over 20 years.  I've seen them go through their own psychological analysis on if they are asexual and just into spanking.  But it's confusing, how are they attracted to pain.  First off, people do very few things again and again if they don't like it.  I think more so for women, but man certainly can experience it too, I have to admit the male side is a little bit more of a mystery to me.  The Female I get a little more in this area.  Being married for more than 10 years has taught me that a women's sexuality is a little more complex than mine, and perhaps the same go for some men.  Not just after a spanking, but there are times in our regular sex life where her goal is not an organism.  Sometimes she draws enough pleasure just in giving me a Blow Job in the morning, yes luck am I!

What spanking really is a major stress relief, a clean slate to start over that relaxes her for days.  I think many spankees would relate to that.  I tell you though, I've been spanking her for more than a dozen years.  Never once have I not noticed the signs of a female arousal.  And if we do decide to move into sex than she is always, well prepared.  In fact, we do it often, make up sex is the best, and well she was being punished so seems to make sense to us.

But with anything in life, it's ok to create a beast, so long that you control it.  My wife has also let me spank other women so long as it not in a sexual way.  This isn't to say I have never gotten a hard on while spanking another woman.  Let's be adults here, doesn't just happen with spanking.  Great example was one night were were out with some good friends, had some wine, and started to dance.  Music was getting sexy, and I was dancing with a very good friend who I used to be involve when we were younger.  Our friendship is a little beyond normal friendship, but we both found someone else to call our own and are extremly happy.  But in that setting with a little wine, we both quickly realized both of us were more than a little turned on.  Embarrassment turned to laughter and there was just a moment between us that was not sex, just special understanding that our relationship will always be special.

Relationship are always changing.  What is important is that you keep each other wants and desire in mind, and heaven forbid, think about what is right and best not just for you, but that other person.  Maybe, the spanking session your in has move beyond a spanking and a little sex would be appropriate.  Maybe you are in a relationship that line just can't be cross.  Be an adult!  Hell yeah that line can be blur and if you can't handle that you are going to make a mistake!