As a hard-core spanko, ever pursue a serious relationship with a vanilla partner?

[spike]

Long ago, probably around the time I became a newly divorced man, I promised myself I would never become involved in a serious relationship with a non-spanko. Casual dating, even casual sex, sure (come on - I was young), but nothing serious or lasting. So between then and now there were some "relationships", plenty of spanking (absolutely sublime, but the EEs changed frequently), and one seven-year relationship with a woman (I called her Angelfood) who was an EE and was the love of my life. 

A Time came when Angelfood left. Even with a heavy heart life goes on. Still, a serious relationship with a non-spanko was out of the question. So fast forward some years to a limited period of time that I view as a something of decent into a maelstrom - and the precipitous slide began with the accidental acquaintance of little vixen who shared some similar interests. This fortuitous amalgamation of protoplasm was the most beautiful human being I've ever seen (as seen through Spike-vision)...but it was not so much her appearance that appealed to my core. It was something ineffable, something so unusual about her personality, something compelling that captivated my attention. She was considerably younger than me (and what she saw in me I'll never know). I told her early on, shortly after we became intimate that I was a spanko, and a hard-core one at that. That information disturbed her not one bit. But, despite a very healthy sexual appetite, she gave not a tinker's damn about spanking. She was glad to hear my spanking tales but had zero interest in participating herself. So, breaking a solemn promise to myself, I was all in.

Where was the decent? The woman had anger issues, and a short fuse. Often flying into a rage over the slightest perceived insult, mistreatment, or criticism (where none really existed), I listened to and tried to understand her righteous fury; it was always an unquenchable fire not for the faint of heart. Yet, I stayed (for a few months, anyway). During the other 50 to 75% of the time, I was, somehow captivated by and drawn to her, enjoying every minute with her. However as time went on, the rage was directed more and more at me. Never sure what I did to cause so much anger. Eventually in a final fit of anger after being accused of something (not true) just one rung below causing the destruction of the Twin Towers, calling me "shit for brains" she stopped calling me.

As I read this, it sounds like a cheap novel. But as Mark Twain said: "truth is stranger than fiction". Even though it's been some years, I think about her long and often, and actually miss her, but I'm too old to be stupid, so I wish her well and just go on my way.

But this time I mean it. No more involvement with vanillas. 

 

[Imperium]

I'll date vanilla girls but I wouldn't consider having anything serious with them. I know myself well enough to know what I want and don't want in a dynamic. I've been surprised by a few and have had that conviction challenged, but I've always stuck to my guns.Everything that we go through that doesn't destroy us is a learning experience. An opportunity to become wiser. Some of us take more lumps to learn important lessons than others. I think its important to mindful that even though many here have their specific interests that create a very loose common bond, that interest should never be the only determinant in getting into a relationship with someone. I've known many girls that were deep into this lifestyle that we're red flag train-wrecks in other key aspects of their life. Despite the shared interest, I avoided them like the plague despite intense beauty and attraction. A woman that lacks emotional and social calibration can never be a part of my life. I've worked too hard to build myself and my life to the state it is now. Things we learn along the way. 

[Imperium]

Excuse the typos above...mobile keyboards are unforgiving when typing too fast.  

[rubyredd]

I stopped dating vanillas in my early 20s. I knew it would never be fulfilling for either of us. Spanking is central to my sexuality. I have little interest in vanilla sex and that wouldn't have been fair to a potential partner. Some spankos can be okay with that, but I knew I could not. I am married to a spanko Top and we are compatible in all ways (not just the spanking). I met with a lot of spankos in my 20s - and am still friends with a few - but only found the deeper connection with one and we have been together for 15 years. 

So, my answer would be, should I ever be in a position to date again... no, I wouldn't pursue a romantic, sexual, casual dating, or serious relationship with a vanilla. 

[Davyd]

5 hours ago, rubyredd said:

 So, my answer would be, should I ever be in a position to date again... no, I wouldn't pursue a romantic, sexual, casual dating, or serious relationship with a vanilla. 

I agree, If spanking is very much part of a person's life  (as it is for many of us) we just cannot ignore who we are and hope to change the mind of a vanilla person, A journey that will not end well

[spike]

Imperium, well said (not the typo part; the first post). Also Rubyredd and Davyd, we can all agree. And although I (once again) promise myself no entanglements with a vanilla, if I had to do it over again (this limited affair) I would. These experiences make us human; make us who we are. As Edith Piaf ***sang: "...I regret nothing...not the good...nor the bad...". 

And although it was foolish, it was an exciting experience. If I should ever cross paths with this woman again I'd politely say hello and quickly be on my way. (What I'd like to say to her is what Helen Forrest***sang: "I've a good mind to spank you then thank you for all you've done." 

***Always ready to shamelessly quote someone with the perfect lyrics.

[Lotsapappa]

What is answer? 

A). Wait for female EE to fall in to your lap as she has been searching for you?

B). Stay alone and get your kicks on SN hoping posting and chat finds this prefect match? Keeping in mind many female profiles state non sexual spanking only interest. 

C). Breakdown and date a vanilla hoping she “sees the light” or agrees to open the relationship for you to spank outside relationship? 

D). Attend every spanking event /network and go full throttle in a target rich environment. 

E). Give up and quote lyrics? 

I don’t have any good answers but curious as Spankos are hard to find offline. 

[dmirk]

I married my vanilla wife in 85 when none of this ability to realize the spanking gene is as powerful as the one that determines your eye color or blood type. 
 

By the time I finally outed myself to her we had four kids.  
 

She’s actually been remarkably willing to make things work. It does involve spanking other women because she can take a pretty good hand spanking but anything beyond that can’t happen. 
 

You adjust as you can.  
 

The time I spilled the beans I was in terrible condition, recovering from a transplant and an offshoot from that quite nearly killed me.  
 

All that said, if we had the Internet back then I think her love would have outweighed my spanko desires. 
 

Don’t know if it means anything but there it is. 

[Bramblewine]

My last serious relationship was with a vanilla who I eventually persuaded to spank me. He was willing to do it to turn me on, but he didn't find it any particular turn on for himself.

We had terrific sex, though, all through our relationship. With and without spanking.

I'm about midway on the Keenan scale. I desire both spanking and vanilla sex. I wouldn't be any more satisfied with a spanko partner who didn't care for sex than with a vanilla partner who didn't care for spanking.

Ideally, I would have a partner who's as into both as I am. It's far best if both people involved really desire the act. Either act.

A spanko who doesn't care for sex could be my friend and play partner, and we might have good spanking experiences together, but they wouldn't be right as a partner partner for me.

Right now, since my spanko side is the one I haven't explored much, my first priority is to make spanko friends, likely including play partners. Maybe I'll find a partner partner that way, eventually, or maybe I'll meet someone in a vanilla way and, if I'm in tune with my spanko side, I'll be ready to reveal that early on. That's not something I could have done before undertaking this journey. Even a year or two ago, I don't think I could have managed it.

I don't feel I have to have both spanking and sex in my life at absolutely every given time (right now, I don't have either), but in the long run, I will need both. If I'm in a couple relationship, I need that relationship to include both. That's the conclusion I've drawn.

Edited March 22 by Bramblewine

[spike]

20 hours ago, Lotsapappa said:

What is answer? 

A). Wait for female EE to fall in to your lap as she has been searching for you?

B). Stay alone and get your kicks on SN hoping posting and chat finds this prefect match? Keeping in mind many female profiles state non sexual spanking only interest. 

C). Breakdown and date a vanilla hoping she “sees the light” or agrees to open the relationship for you to spank outside relationship? 

D). Attend every spanking event /network and go full throttle in a target rich environment. 

E). Give up and quote lyrics? 

I don’t have any good answers but curious as Spankos are hard to find offline. 

The answer is F). None of the above, for me, anyway: I no longer have any interest in seeking a relationship, or casual sex. Should a relationship with an EE evolve organically, that's just fine - I'll consider my options then. If not, no worries, very happy the way things are presently constituted. On the other hand,  Casual Spanking? Absolutely - that will never change.

20 hours ago, dmirk said:

I married my vanilla wife in 85 when none of this ability to realize the spanking gene is as powerful as the one that determines your eye color or blood type. 
 

By the time I finally outed myself to her we had four kids.  
 

She’s actually been remarkably willing to make things work. It does involve spanking other women because she can take a pretty good hand spanking but anything beyond that can’t happen. 
 

 

Dmirk, you are most fortunate. The former Mrs. Spike said I was "sick".  As an aside, a conversation we had during marriage counseling went as follows:

(former) Mrs. Spike:   "You know he wants to (or would ike to) spank me."

Marriage Counsellor:  " That's pretty common, actually."

former Mrs. Spike:      "Harrumph." (something like that)

 

Branblewine, hope you eventually meet the person of your dreams. (It could happen).

[Lotsapappa]

Yeah, I can relate about Counsellor comments although I was not married when I got similar accusation. I really don’t think she thought  I was “sick” but she from monied family and reputations matter.
 

We are Spankos but far more people are sexually repressed. I agree with F in that I am not sure I am compatible with age appropriate women, casual sex typically turns into one partner wanting more and -  post pandemic I only spank first timers. And that’s just because I am a very safe referral as I was outed as Spanko years ago and it comes up that I have a special interest and skill. Small percentage of females curious find me. 90% EE and and occasional ER. 

Alright then. I am All In with F. Although the casual sex part will get me off course soon enough. 

[brattysavysub]

Yes, in fact all of my relationships have been with vanillas. I am as hardcore as a spanko as they come and I only have had long-term relationships with vanillas who I converted. Within the first week of every relationship I have ever been in I would always give them literature on head of household or domestic discipline dynamics and tell them that I needed it in a relationship or I would not be interested in pursuing them romantically any longer. I fall in love with the person first then ask if they would be willing for a DD relationship. If their answer was no (which never happened to me) I would just cut my losses and find someone else. 

Edited April 12 by brattysavysub

[Josie]

Almost a year ago, I met someone through a Christian singles site. I had planned on seeking the most vanilla or vanilla relationships ever! He is the one who brought up domestic discipline to me! A total shocker! So we began a courtship. I thrives on his rules. He was a retired police officer and former pastor. Total alpha male. I think he was a sadist, as well, and struggled with that. Eventually, he felt God laying it on his heart that domestic discipline was sinful. It was addictive for him. So we stepped back as friends. But then he would spank me again. Only to pull back and regret it. This last time, after resuming a courtship, a serious spanking, and the pullback, when he asked to be friends, I just couldn’t anymore. He was livid. I went from being idealized to completely blocked. His final words to me were harsh and hurtful. Perhaps I was wrong to end a friendship, but my heart couldn’t take it anymore. 
 

I know what I want in a future relationship and marriage. I just can’t do vanilla. It’s not who I am. I’m not fulfilled by a relationship of equals. My tastes are more domestic discipline than those of the BDSM world, but still. I need actual authority from a man. Not a figurehead of leadership, but a relationship that provides the obedience, submission, service, and discipline my heart and soul needs. I think my ideal would be a vanilla-looking traditional marriage to the outside world, but quite “traditional” in reality. 🥰

Edited April 23 by Josie

[brittygirl]

I married a vanilla and after almost a decade together it has worked out extremely well. I get spanked about once or twice a week and he’s become a very good and adept ER. We don’t do rules, we don’t do punishments, we don’t do DD, or anything like that. I get long, hard spankings because I enjoy them and it enhances our sex life exponentially. 
 

I won’t lie; it was a struggle to get to this point. In the beginning when I tried to convince myself that I really wanted DD, we did try it a few times, but it made both of us incredibly unhappy. He would be stressed and I would be angry all the time. We took a long break and I did a lot of soul searching, where I began to accept that I want to be spanked because I want to be spanked and not under the guise of anything else. I shared that with him and he became so much more willing to do it in prelude to sex. Now I’m so much happier! I realize that I am lucky to have a partner who doesn’t understand fully but has embraced the benefits of wanting me to be happy. He even told me the other week that he has come to really enjoy it himself.