Consensual adult spanking, Taboo?

[I can do it Reagan]

To be brief, once I accepted my spanking fetish, kink, or whatever one prefers to call it, my life changed for the positive.

I have heard similar stories from newbies through the years who for one reason or another found the confidence to embrace their spanking needs, and felt so fulfilled.

The question, is spanking between consenting adults still a vanilla taboo?

Your thoughts.

[Spanknutt]

I will start by mentioning that The book Fifty Shades of Grey sold over 100 million copies worldwide. The movie grossed nearly $100 million in its first weekend in theaters. So, if it's still taboo, there sure were lot of people who were curious about it.

In my experience, I am out to a number of vanillas, including my sister, and no one has batted an eyelash. I would say their reactions have ranged somewhere on the spectrum between curiosity and jealousy. I only had to walk it back on time and that was after I told a friend I had gone to a dungeon - he just didn't get that part. I would wager that most people have their own bedroom secrets and they don't spend a lot time judging what someone else does, although we (spankos) tend to worry that they might.

[I can do it Reagan]

6 minutes ago, Spanknutt said:

I will start by mentioning that The book Fifty Shades of Grey sold over 100 million copies worldwide. The movie grossed nearly $100 million in its first weekend in theaters. So, if it's still taboo, there sure were lot of people who were curious about it.

In my experience, I am out to a number of vanillas, including my sister, and no one has batted an eyelash. I would say their reactions have ranged somewhere on the spectrum between curiosity and jealousy. I only had to walk it back on time and that was after I told a friend I had gone to a dungeon - he just didn't get that part. I would wager that most people have their own bedroom secrets and they don't spend a lot time judging what someone else does, although we (spankos) tend to worry that they might.

Excellent points.  It’s a matter of, why do we feel such anxiety over outing ourselves in certain situations and to certain people?

[Bramblewine]

26 minutes ago, Spanknutt said:

I would wager that most people have their own bedroom secrets and they don't spend a lot time judging what someone else does

Unless they're anti-gay and/or anti-trans activists and politicians. Plenty of those out there.

If they're not attacking spankos, that's only because they don't have spankos on their radar. We're still mostly in the closet, not visible enough to be a threat. 

But people outed as spankos can and do lose their jobs, lose child custody, lose security clearances, lose housing, etc., and there are no legal protections. The same happens to LGBTQ folks in the absence of legal protections, and sometimes even with legal protections on the books.

It's great if people in your life know you're a spanko and don't judge that on an individual level, but in the big picture, being open about it can be very, very risky.

Some people are, in fact, spending a lot of time judging what someone else does, and have the power to make their judgment law.

Edited March 19 by Bramblewine

[Spanknutt]

22 minutes ago, Bramblewine said:

But people outed as spankos can and do lose their jobs, lose child custody, lose security clearances, lose housing, etc., and there are no legal protections. The same happens to LGBTQ folks in the absence of legal protections, and sometimes even with legal protections on the books.

 

You obviously have to know your audience. It's not something you discuss with just anyone, just like I won't discuss politics or religion with just anyone. I know someone who lost his job in education because he was too careless with his Fetlife profile and a couple of students came across it. I also know someone who lost her kids for the same reason. Anyone who works in certain fields, who is in a custody battle, etc. has to be more careful with what they advertise about themselves than others. And if someone like that is foolish enough to post facial pics and such on an adult website, well...that is on them.

However, simply telling someone "I enjoy spanking" is pretty harmless and I don't know anyone who has ever had a problem with that.

[elizabeth7]

I think that most people are fine with "spanking" as sex play, but they are thinking of an occasional slap on the ass in the heat of the moment, not the ritualized event that most of us fantasize about. I think it's the extreme we take it to, not the act itself and honestly, our obsession, that vanillas would probably think is strange. 

[Scorrect]

Good point, Elizabeth.  Many vanilla folks are also put off by the thought of giving or receiving pain.

[Spanknutt]

16 minutes ago, Scorrect said:

Many vanilla folks are also put off by the thought of giving or receiving pain.

I'm wondering how many people would enjoy it if they tried it.  I know a number of people who never even thought about it until that first smack. I was at a gathering of like-minded folks a few weeks ago and this woman was telling us about her first experience. She said another woman told her "You have a nice butt, can I spank it?" She thought it was kind of strange but she said OK. She said after a few smacks, she was hooked.

[danadares]

1 hour ago, elizabeth7 said:

I think that most people are fine with "spanking" as sex play, but they are thinking of an occasional slap on the ass in the heat of the moment, not the ritualized event that most of us fantasize about. I think it's the extreme we take it to, not the act itself and honestly, our obsession, that vanillas would probably think is strange. 

I think the same. People in general appear to be much more aware of spanking as a kink than when I was young and, with familiarity, it's not so strange. Smacking the buttocks as erotic stimulation is not a difficult concept to understand. Male dominance and female submission is not that far removed from traditional gender stereotypes, and though the sexuality was less explicit, men spanking women was entertaining to many in old mainstream media. However, if a vanilla person would be exposed to all that a serious discipline relationship can be as a chosen lifestyle in this day and age , and not just a superficial idea of "play," there is much there to challenge their ideas of what they've been taught to believe an adult relationship should be.

[Newredbottom]

3 hours ago, Spanknutt said:

You obviously have to know your audience. It's not something you discuss with just anyone, just like I won't discuss politics or religion with just anyone. I know someone who lost his job in education because he was too careless with his Fetlife profile and a couple of students came across it. I also know someone who lost her kids for the same reason. Anyone who works in certain fields, who is in a custody battle, etc. has to be more careful with what they advertise about themselves than others. And if someone like that is foolish enough to post facial pics and such on an adult website, well...that is on them.

However, simply telling someone "I enjoy spanking" is pretty harmless and I don't know anyone who has ever had a problem with that.

Only asking because I am curious,….Was too careless with his Fetlife profile? As in making it public knowledge? 

[FlowJohnson]

I think spanking during sex is pretty normalized, along with light bondage stuff. Where you get into shaky territory is spankings to tears, and any sort of genuine disciplinary dynamic. That's where you might lose the average normie and they might start thinking you're abusive/an abuse victim.

[DaChief]

Some very good points were made. I want to explore a more existential aspect. 

A friend of mine in this lifestyle has often said that, "Once you scratch the surface, everyone is into something." A lot of truth to that, but the deeper question is if they accept the "something."

One of the local radio broadcasters came out a few years ago about his foot fetish. Makes sense, really. Radio was always a cutthroat industry and with broadcast radio competing with streaming services, he had to do something to keep his ratings up. Luring in the foot crowd by incorporating that talk track into his broadcast was a reasonable ploy. He has some of the highest radio ratings in CT, and while there are many who no doubt tune into his show in the hopes of hearing him talk feet, the question is how many pretend to be repulsed by that talk track if there are others in the car or whatever?

Same with spanking or other "taboo" kinks. On an existential level, we are entering a phase in society where these aspects are seen as a potentially healthy form of human expression. Yet for those who cannot or will not accept their "something," the fact that some of us are at peace with our "something" becomes a threat. Even if they aren't a spanko, per se, the fact that spanking play, foot fetish, LBGTQ, etc. are being accepted means that people who are afraid to confront and perhaps accept their "something" may be forced to do so. So, to keep their "thing" closeted, they demonize others. 

What makes what we do "taboo" in the eyes of some vanillas is often a reflection of their "vanilla" desire to not accept whatever is beneath their surface, should it be scratched. Baiting insecure people is typically not a good idea, because the more insecure they are, the less rational they become, so earlier comments about knowing your audience apply. But the whole basis of the "taboo" aspect isn't in what we do, but rather, I would argue, that the "taboo" elements are a reflection of what others choose not to accept about themselves and the threat that normalization of lifestyles such as ours represent to their own insecurities. 

[FlowJohnson]

8 minutes ago, DaChief said:

Some very good points were made. I want to explore a more existential aspect. 

A friend of mine in this lifestyle has often said that, "Once you scratch the surface, everyone is into something." A lot of truth to that, but the deeper question is if they accept the "something."

One of the local radio broadcasters came out a few years ago about his foot fetish. Makes sense, really. Radio was always a cutthroat industry and with broadcast radio competing with streaming services, he had to do something to keep his ratings up. Luring in the foot crowd by incorporating that talk track into his broadcast was a reasonable ploy. He has some of the highest radio ratings in CT, and while there are many who no doubt tune into his show in the hopes of hearing him talk feet, the question is how many pretend to be repulsed by that talk track if there are others in the car or whatever?

Same with spanking or other "taboo" kinks. On an existential level, we are entering a phase in society where these aspects are seen as a potentially healthy form of human expression. Yet for those who cannot or will not accept their "something," the fact that some of us are at peace with our "something" becomes a threat. Even if they aren't a spanko, per se, the fact that spanking play, foot fetish, LBGTQ, etc. are being accepted means that people who are afraid to confront and perhaps accept their "something" may be forced to do so. So, to keep their "thing" closeted, they demonize others. 

What makes what we do "taboo" in the eyes of some vanillas is often a reflection of their "vanilla" desire to not accept whatever is beneath their surface, should it be scratched. Baiting insecure people is typically not a good idea, because the more insecure they are, the less rational they become, so earlier comments about knowing your audience apply. But the whole basis of the "taboo" aspect isn't in what we do, but rather, I would argue, that the "taboo" elements are a reflection of what others choose not to accept about themselves and the threat that normalization of lifestyles such as ours represent to their own insecurities. 

 

I'd caution you against the tendency to psychoanalyze anyone who has an opinion you disagree with as them just being insecure. It can be the case, but in my opinion most of the time it isn't. The disgust response/reflex to certain things is pretty normal, and most often doesn't come from insecurity or deeper psychological issues. Sometimes people just think something is gross and can't relate to those who do. Part of the conversation about being more accepting of kinks also has to include being accepting of people who find that kink distasteful. Neither party chose to feel the way they did. It's fine to have niche fetishes, and it's also fine to find those niche fetishes gross. The important thing is to not let that gut reaction you have completely color your perception of the person, or change how you treat them.

[DaChief]

54 minutes ago, FlowJohnson said:

 

I'd caution you against the tendency to psychoanalyze anyone who has an opinion you disagree with as them just being insecure. It can be the case, but in my opinion most of the time it isn't. The disgust response/reflex to certain things is pretty normal, and most often doesn't come from insecurity or deeper psychological issues. Sometimes people just think something is gross and can't relate to those who do. Part of the conversation about being more accepting of kinks also has to include being accepting of people who find that kink distasteful. Neither party chose to feel the way they did. It's fine to have niche fetishes, and it's also fine to find those niche fetishes gross. The important thing is to not let that gut reaction you have completely color your perception of the person, or change how you treat them.

If they have a tangible argument to make as to why they are repulsed by what we do, well, I can speak to that. But when it's just glib, circular reasoning, which is almost always the case, that's different. If I ask them what their objection to this lifestyle is and they go off on an anti-Trump rant, which obviously has nothing to do with our lifestyle, then it tells me all I need to know about them. 

[FlowJohnson]

7 minutes ago, DaChief said:

If they have a tangible argument to make as to why they are repulsed by what we do, well, I can speak to that. But when it's just glib, circular reasoning, which is almost always the case, that's different. If I ask them what their objection to this lifestyle is and they go off on an anti-Trump rant, which obviously has nothing to do with our lifestyle, then it tells me all I need to know about them. 

What I'm trying to get at is that lot of the time disgust comes from an inherently instinctive and illogical place. The reasoning people have for it is usually post hoc. Doesn't justify their actions, but most people don't have any more control over what they find disgusting than we have control over what we find enjoyable.

[F/m_Spanking_only]

Vanillas who I sense would recoil in horror, I say nothing to. Vanillas who are as vanilla as it gets who don't get it but also don't judge, they are fine. Interestingly enough, I've gotten a few vanilla females to spank me. Two actually converted to the lifestyle and the others didn't covert, per se, but would spank me if I asked them to. And I'm talking, me bent over their knees with my pants down. And they tore my rear end up. Maybe I just made them that mad the way I make spankers mad LOL 

[elizabeth7]

6 hours ago, I can do it Reagan said:

Excellent points.  It’s a matter of, why do we feel such anxiety over outing ourselves in certain situations and to certain people?

I have just been thinking about this. If I found out that some friend or coworker had a foot fetish or something I would literally give it about 5 seconds thought, which would mostly consist of "huh, that's different." I'm sure it would stay tucked away in my brain and if they ever complimented my shoes or something I might snicker internally. All these other people are just as self absorbed as me. They don't care that I like to be spanked. It's not any of their business and I'm not going  to start telling everyone I know. But, if they did somehow find out, no one I know would spend much time thinking about it. Am I going to stop being angsty about then? Probably not, lol.

[F/m_Spanking_only]

18 minutes ago, DaChief said:

If they have a tangible argument to make as to why they are repulsed by what we do, well, I can speak to that. But when it's just glib, circular reasoning, which is almost always the case, that's different. If I ask them what their objection to this lifestyle is and they go off on an anti-Trump rant, which obviously has nothing to do with our lifestyle, then it tells me all I need to know about them. 

That is about par for the course these days. Politics wiggles it's way into everything it seems. I have had an ER bring it up before, and I just hate it. One, I don't like talking politics anyway, and two I definitely don't want to discuss it in a spanking session. It kind of kills the mood 

[DaChief]

5 minutes ago, FlowJohnson said:

What I'm trying to get at is that lot of the time disgust comes from an inherently instinctive and illogical place. The reasoning people have for it is usually post hoc. Doesn't justify their actions, but most people don't have any more control over what they find disgusting than we have control over what we find enjoyable.

Valid point, and I get what you're saying. But even when it does come from an instinctive place, there's a certain rationale to what they're saying. Usually, what backlash I receive has no rationale to it. I didn't use the anti-Trump rant off the top of my head. That's where the guy who last gave me backlash went with it, and when I asked him what Trump had to do with anything, he accused me of being an NRA puppet, which of course didn't answer my question. And for the record, I don't even own a gun.

This is what I typically see in backlash discussions though; there is no reasoning to it, and they go off in all of these side arguments which make no sense and have nothing to do with a spanking kink. If they bring it back to religion, then I can infer some abuse from a clergyman may be a motivator. But when they turn this lifestyle into a repudiation of Trump and the NRA, then, well, no. These are the experiences on which I formed my comments. 

[FlowJohnson]

1 minute ago, DaChief said:

Valid point, and I get what you're saying. But even when it does come from an instinctive place, there's a certain rationale to what they're saying. Usually, what backlash I receive has no rationale to it. I didn't use the anti-Trump rant off the top of my head. That's where the guy who last gave me backlash went with it, and when I asked him what Trump had to do with anything, he accused me of being an NRA puppet, which of course didn't answer my question. And for the record, I don't even own a gun.

This is what I typically see in backlash discussions though; there is no reasoning to it, and they go off in all of these side arguments which make no sense and have nothing to do with a spanking kink. If they bring it back to religion, then I can infer some abuse from a clergyman may be a motivator. But when they turn this lifestyle into a repudiation of Trump and the NRA, then, well, no. These are the experiences on which I formed my comments. 

Yeah, that gets into where I'm saying there's post hoc rationalization. My guess if someone goes on a rant about trump/conservatives, it's probably because they identify spanking with a traditional, old fashioned way of doing things. That's the "bad" side in the tribal bit of their brain and they construct a reason for why it's bad after. 

Kind of a sucky aspect of human nature and all you can do is notice when you're doing it yourself and to push against that instinct.

[Spanknutt]

3 hours ago, Newredbottom said:

Only asking because I am curious,….Was too careless with his Fetlife profile? As in making it public knowledge? 

He was a middle school teacher and had facial pics and as well as other pics on his profile and did not have them set to "friends only." But here is another thing - just because someone is your friend today doesn't mean they will be your friend tomorrow and any 12 year-old knows how to take a screenshot so "friends only" is not necessarily safe either. I know a woman who was semi in a relationship with a guy and she broke it off when she realized he was lying to her about some things. He took some shots of her profile and sent them to her HR manager. She works in healthcare and had to sign a Code of Conduct agreement. 

[DaChief]

1 hour ago, FlowJohnson said:

Yeah, that gets into where I'm saying there's post hoc rationalization. My guess if someone goes on a rant about trump/conservatives, it's probably because they identify spanking with a traditional, old fashioned way of doing things. That's the "bad" side in the tribal bit of their brain and they construct a reason for why it's bad after. 

Kind of a sucky aspect of human nature and all you can do is notice when you're doing it yourself and to push against that instinct.

Okay, I think you just helped me connect some dots I wasn't connecting on my own. To my way of thinking, that guy might as well have been saying he wouldn't drive a Ford because China is supporting Putin's aggression in Ukraine. I think I see it differently now. 

[FlowJohnson]

36 minutes ago, DaChief said:

Okay, I think you just helped me connect some dots I wasn't connecting on my own. To my way of thinking, that guy might as well have been saying he wouldn't drive a Ford because China is supporting Putin's aggression in Ukraine. I think I see it differently now. 

Glad I could help. The sucky bit is that nobody is immune to being sucked down to thinking along these tribal lines, but if you recognize it then you can mitigate the damage.

[Newredbottom]

20 hours ago, Spanknutt said:

He was a middle school teacher and had facial pics and as well as other pics on his profile and did not have them set to "friends only." But here is another thing - just because someone is your friend today doesn't mean they will be your friend tomorrow and any 12 year-old knows how to take a screenshot so "friends only" is not necessarily safe either. I know a woman who was semi in a relationship with a guy and she broke it off when she realized he was lying to her about some things. He took some shots of her profile and sent them to her HR manager. She works in healthcare and had to sign a Code of Conduct agreement. 

Sad what people will resort to.

[SkipNC]

Hang on a minute.  What's the bigger problem here?  A middle school teacher being on Fetlife or a 12 year old being on Fetlife?  I trust we are all agreed it is the latter?