How experienced?

[Bramblewine]

If a spankee is inexperienced, is it best that their first or near first spankers be experienced? If a spanker is inexperienced, is it best that their first or near first spankees be experienced?

Seeking thoughts.

My thought, as a not very experienced spankee, is that it would probably be best to get introductory spankings from a fairly experienced spanker. They would have a good idea of what kind of implements would be best to try at what point, how to figure out where my real limits are, things like that, whereas someone less experienced might still be figuring out what they can and can't do. A little like getting body work from an experienced practitioner versus a student. When I have a better understanding of my own preferences and limits, I can then be a safer spankee if I play with someone not very experienced.

But, my first adult spankings were from a partner who'd never spanked anyone before. If he'd been a true a spanko and we hadn't broken up, we'd both be very experienced by now, and we would have learned together. And probably with minimal risk. He never wanted to hurt me. He wouldn't even go as far as I really wanted, sometimes, for that reason.

If I really connect with someone and we want to play together but neither of us has much experience, is that a dangerous thing? Should I not even consider it? Could I make it safer if I did?

[rubyredd]

I can only go off my own experiences as a spankee and say that it never mattered whether the Top had a lot of experience or none at all. There was certainly nothing dangerous in the inexperienced meet-ups, but sometimes experienced Tops can be Domholes and think they know exactly what you need. 

[Imperium]

In my opinion, I think an inexperienced ee is in safer hands with an experienced er usually. I wouldn't consider that a rule, but a safer assumption if you had to make one. The intent and maturity of the er matters. I also think that a less experienced er can be safe to explore with - again depending on their maturity level. When I'm talking about maturity I'm not talking about age. I'm thinking self awareness, social calibration, self-control, and a skill for recognizing nonverbal communication. In my M/s world I'm fond of repeating the quote that "Every Master was once a disaster." I don't know who the original origin of the quote is, but it's very true.   

I was a wrecking ball when I started with DD. With experience I learned a great deal. Experience is generally safer, but without an opportunity to gain that experience, an er can't become wiser. 

[dmirk]

I don’t think there’s a definitive answer here because I’ve seen disappointments from all over - feeling underspanked or over. Under is frustrating, over can be, and has been from examples in the forums can be dangerous. 
 

You are one of the most articulate posters here and I am always surprised by your lack of experience.

The best you can do is discuss expectations   This can be quite awkward   Finding someone who it doesn’t feel as awkward is a good bet.

Usually, I tend to find ones who want the daylights spanked out of them but each one’s definition of that is different.

 

Some want purple bottoms ( with one exception above my pay grade) to ones who about the first few hand swats are nearing their limit  

 

 

 

[spankingpurist]

I agree with all three comments above in that I don’t think experience matters much, but a person’s character does.  Safety, trust, mutual respect and reliability are among the most important qualities, of course. In an ongoing relationship, adjustments relating to frequency, severity, positions, banter, etc. are easily made as long as the parties try hard to please the other as well as communicate openly and clearly.  I doubt you’ll have communication difficulties, Bramblewine, unless you choke up in intimate face to face encounters. Like dmirk, I recognize your articulateness and am often quite impressed by your thoughtful comments and questions. Your 400 horsepower mind frequently outpaces and outclasses many of us. But, I never detect any arrogance or similar tendency to look down on others. You deserve and will hopefully attract a person of equal intelligence, integrity, and kindliness, who will take you in hand, give you what you need, and leave you whimpering, maybe even gasping, occasionally, ever so delightfully, of course.

[Bramblewine]

46 minutes ago, rubyredd said:

sometimes experienced Tops can be Domholes and think they know exactly what you need. 

Good point, and I won't play with anyone who acts like that. Part of my criteria for choosing a play partner is that they'll ask me what I want and need, as soon as we start discussing the possibility, and they'll show that they're listening. If they try to tell me what I need, if they don't listen, if they steam ahead on assumptions, I'm out of there.

And I'm not going to play with anyone until I've talked to them enough to know which way they are. 

[Bramblewine]

52 minutes ago, Imperium said:

In my opinion, I think an inexperienced ee is in safer hands with an experienced er usually. I wouldn't consider that a rule, but a safer assumption if you had to make one. The intent and maturity of the er matters. I also think that a less experienced er can be safe to explore with - again depending on their maturity level. When I'm talking about maturity I'm not talking about age. I'm thinking self awareness, social calibration, self-control, and a skill for recognizing nonverbal communication. In my M/s world I'm fond of repeating the quote that "Every Master was once a disaster." I don't know who the original origin of the quote is, but it's very true.   

I was a wrecking ball when I started with DD. With experience I learned a great deal. Experience is generally safer, but without an opportunity to gain that experience, an er can't become wiser. 

This is exactly why I think an experienced spanker would probably be best for early spanking experiences. And why an experienced spankee would probably be best for an inexperienced spanker to start on. An experienced spankee would be able to tell the difference between a spanker acting out of inexperience and "just the way things are," and would be able to tell the spanker so. But that, of course, depends on the spanker being willing to be told so. If the dynamic is anything on the order of DD, it hinges on the idea that the spanker is in charge and the spankee isn't supposed to contradict them.

I'm not interested in that particular kind of dynamic, so probably, spankers who want the kind of play I want would be more amenable to suggestion. At least, I hope that's the case! And I would be a safer partner for them if I were more experienced.

[Bramblewine]

55 minutes ago, dmirk said:

I don’t think there’s a definitive answer here because I’ve seen disappointments from all over - feeling underspanked or over. Under is frustrating, over can be, and has been from examples in the forums can be dangerous. 
 

You are one of the most articulate posters here and I am always surprised by your lack of experience.

The best you can do is discuss expectations   This can be quite awkward   Finding someone who it doesn’t feel as awkward is a good bet.

Usually, I tend to find ones who want the daylights spanked out of them but each one’s definition of that is different.

 

Some want purple bottoms ( with one exception above my pay grade) to ones who about the first few hand swats are nearing their limit  

 

If I'm talking to a potential spanker and they say something like this, that's what would tell me they have the experience and maturity to be a safe introductory spanker. "Some want purple bottoms ( with one exception above my pay grade) to ones who about the first few hand swats are nearing their limit," tells me in one sentence that you know what you're doing, you're experienced with a wide range of spankees' needs, so you won't be surprised by mine, and you know your own limits. And that you pay attention to what your spankee wants. And that when you hear something like, "Spank the daylights out of me," you don't just run with your definition of spanking the daylights out of them, you check to see exactly what they mean by that. That's great communication.

[dmirk]

I’ve been told by a couple of women who pay a “professional” bit, and some will argue with me I don’t believe taking money for someone they like is not terribly ethical. There’s no such thing as a licensed certificate or education requirements. 
 

The exception would be for those who seem to want frequent spankings from the same person. 
 

We have someone in here getting ready to start a first spankings and seeing a “pro” who sets off all my alarms. 
 

Unfortunately, she’s in Europe and I think she’s ignoring everyone’s advice. 

[Bramblewine]

54 minutes ago, dmirk said:

I’ve been told by a couple of women who pay a “professional” bit, and some will argue with me I don’t believe taking money for someone they like is not terribly ethical. There’s no such thing as a licensed certificate or education requirements. 
 

The exception would be for those who seem to want frequent spankings from the same person. 
 

We have someone in here getting ready to start a first spankings and seeing a “pro” who sets off all my alarms. 
 

Unfortunately, she’s in Europe and I think she’s ignoring everyone’s advice. 

 

No one said anything about professionals in this thread. What's the connection?

[dmirk]

Related to another thread.  
 

Funny world out there. 

[Bramblewine]

What makes a spanker a safe spanker might be another topic, but it's tangentially related.

Knowing their own limits is a factor. Experienced spankers do. Inexperienced spankers might not.

Knowing how to recognize a spankee's limits is another factor. Again, experienced spankers are more likely to know this, I would think, but then, no matter how much experience they have, a new spankee is always going to be someone they're not experienced with. They'll have to get to know where this new spankee's limits are. They won't know that right away. If the new spankee is inexperienced, they may not know either.

Seems like something there ought to be classes on. How do you recognize your own limits? How do you recognize your partner's?

[Painter]

My thinking  is that you can do this with either someone experienced or not. For either it is the same, in this arrangement you have to communicate. Have a discussion, ask questions talk about what you think limits are. They should be able to communicate there thoughts as well, that would be a safe person to try this with.

Do I think an experienced person will get you close to what you need…. Sure. But  with either, you can get the sense of who will be a good fit and respect your limits.

As far a limits,go… when starting out.. be vocal.. give cues and an intuitive partner will know how to give you what you seek. I learned early  to  try and give a person just what they need and a little bit more…. So for someone who thinks a mild hand spanking is the limit… it’s easy to go there and the provide just a bit more… For those  who want more severe stuff. There is a limit there too. After awhile one’s bottom goes numb and that’s the time to stop. Keep it simple. Be safe. Have fun.

[Spanknutt]

It's true that it's more difficult for an experienced spanker to find a willing EE but I have always believed that caring is more important than experience. It's actually pretty easy to read someone if you are in tune to their reactions. Just because someone is experienced, it doesn't mean they know what they are doing. I once witnessed a session where someone who had been around for years was hitting very high with a paddle - like tailbone high and I was cringing. I see "professional" videos of people using canes who have no idea how to control them.

On the other hand, it may be that an inexperienced spanker has done their reading, watched videos, practiced with implements, etc. because they want to give the best experience possible. I know I was that way when I was new. Let's face it - if you can't provide a satisfying experience, you aren't going to be invited back. My first experience was with a woman who had only been spanked a couple of times and she told me she could be my stepping stone (for which I was grateful).

I think I gave a good experience on the physical side from day one. The mental side was more difficult for me to learn - there are little tricks we learn about how to talk to the EE, scold the EE, or whatever trips their trigger and that took a while for me to figure out. Spanking is as much mental as physical to most people.

[danadares]

Having a strong complementary desire is the fuel that drives the experience. I would never want to waste a great opportunity because someone was new to it.

I was inexperienced when I spanked my gf many years ago, but I had lived with the idea of spanking my whole life and believed I knew what I was doing. It worked out well for us. Nothing wrong with having experience, but I'll take compatibility, enthusiasm, common sense, caution, sensitivity, and caring about the spankee over experience any day.

[Scorrect]

Well said, danadares!