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He WAS into it but not anymore


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I feel so frustrated.

I have fantasized about spanking since I was a teen, written stories and tried some on myself even, but during my different relationships I have NEVER been with someone who liked it. Some have agreed to try it but then disliked it (I like it pretty severe and they felt bad hurting me), but that's it.

Until I met this guy who had never tried but was into it immediately. It was great for like a year, and then, it just... died. I have tried over and over again to talk about it and it still happens occasionally, but it feels almost like a chore for him. He says he still likes it and wants to do it, but it's hard to actually start it without it turning into a must instead of a want.

And for me it feels even worse now, because I FINALLY met someone who enjoys it, and then it just stops, and I get to hear how forced he feels and that it has to be such and such a mood, and I just feel so bad about myself and my fantasies.

I'm not kidding when I say that I write more than ever and think about spankings daily now, and just wish he would have been like me and just longed to come home and put me over his knee... 😕

Do you have any suggestions, how can I move forward? I have tried asking for it (even tho I am more into "consentual non-consentual" and prefer him to initiate), dressing sexy and like "a bad girl" and it works sometimes, but since I feel bad about myself and being rejected I don't really want to initiate anymore.

Sorry for the long vent!

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How are things between you otherwise? Is he attentive, communicative, and respectful? Does he initiate date nights, romantic moments (e.g. long, lingering good morning, goodby, it “just because” kisses), shared intimacies without spanking as foreplay?

Please say a little more about your statement above “I get to hear how forced he feels and that it has to be such and such a mood.”     What exactly does he say, how often has he made these kinds of remarks, have you asked him what you’re doing that trigger these reactions from him, or, what you can do to help relight that fire?

If he didn’t like spanking you, would you still be attracted to him?

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Posted (edited)

Well, he is not the most communicative person, no. Attentive yes, in some ways, and neither of us are very romantic, but all in all I would say everything has decreased. Less sex overall. We still cuddle a lot, which I appreciate, and he assures me he still finds me very attractive, but I have a very high sex drive. The problem is that the thing that gets me "in mood" is sexytalk, preferably a long time before the actual sex. And he often feels it's too much work and just goes to sleep instead of having sex (even if he wants to have sex himself). He would prefer if he could just cuddle my boobs and pussy for a few minutes and then I'm ready to go 😛

So to answer your question, @spankingpurist , the way he says he feels forced is basically "since I know you crave it and long for it so much, it feels like I HAVE to do it, which clouds over any feelings that I WANT to do it."

He doesn't say it as often now but that's because we don't talk about it as much anymore. I feel like it is my fault for having a high sex drive and having complained about not having sex or spanking sessions as much as I want way too many times.

Edit: Failed to answer - yes I would still be with him even if no spankings were involved, and he knows that, but he also knows it would make me unhappy and he doesn't want that.

Edited by SubmissiveQueen
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If you have a solid relationship and are otherwise dedicated, perhaps compromise would be effective. What does he like? How does he get in the mood? It seems like you have told him what you need. Ask him what he needs. Maybe you get a once-weekly (or whatever you two decide) spanking with all the types of foreplay you enjoy. Maybe another day in the week he gets what he wants. Just an idea.

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You’re facing a difficult, but rather common relationship challenge. Understandably, especially given that you’re already inclined to be self critical, I would imagine it makes you feel rather undesirable.

If this is a guy you want to make a life with over the long term, you might consider getting some couples therapy from someone who has training as a sex therapist as well. If he’s not motivated to do so, it might help for you to see someone briefly to help you be kinder to yourself as well as giving you some tools to improve the relationship.  Often, even if only one member of the couple makes changes initially, the relationship improves and the other person becomes motivated to make some changes, too.

Again, please keep in mind that mismatches in sexual drive levels are quite common.  There’s nothing wrong with your drive or his.  It’s that you have different levels of desire.  Many folks assume that women have lower drives on average than men, but Masters and Johnson found that the person in their research with the highest drive overall was a woman. If you do some Googling (and skip all the articles selling fake viagra and other worthless remedies) you can find some helpful stuff.  By far the best resource is a guy named John Gottman.  His  research is first rate as are the techniques he’s developed to improve loving relationships. If you seek some professional help, please find someone who has done some training with him. He’s trained many super therapists around the world over the years. Good luck.

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@OhRedhead I have tried, he still claims he likes spanking too. He has no other needs besides regular, vanilla sex. And I like that too, but then, as I wrote before, he often feels it's too much work to get me wet. 😕

He can manage well without sex. I cannot. 

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I feel bad for you...I cannot begin to imagine the way you must feel. I wish you the best. I am not really qualified to give any advise, as I have been spared this situation in my life, but I do know you are not alone and I think there are many here who share in your pain regarding this and will welcome you with open arms and hugs.

I dunno...here's a thought that you can certainly throw away, as it may not be a good fit for either of you. It sounds like your dynamic is very sexual in purpose. I dunno..."maybe" he sees the "too much work" in terms of foreplay. So...is there a possibility of moving the spanking environment more toward a real...purpose based..."disciplinary" relationship...and then let the sex kind of flow on its separate path...I dunno...until eventually the sex and the spanking converge at some point down the road. Just a thought based on how it seems to be unfolding with my husband and me. But...I totally understand that the "disciplinary" dynamic is not for everybody and could in fact...be even less motivational or attractive for him...or both of you.

My hugs for you. I hope you find what you need....and can share that with someone special.

 

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@nicoleS39 Thank you so much for your kind words! I actually love your idea to try and separate the spanking from the sex life. I know he really does like both vanilla sex and spanking but like you said, it might be that it feels "too much" when they seem constantly intertwined. I will try my best to do that. My own problem is that I myself have them very much intertwined, meaning it is harder for me to get in the mood without talking or at least thinking of spanking, but I will practice. :)

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Just reread this threat and the excellent, sympathetic comments especially from nicole3S9.  Seems to me if her advice doesn’t work, your guy needs to have someone put him over their knee and spank some sense into him. You’re trying so hard, while he seems to be stonewalling you.  Hope he wakes up and realizes what a great partner he’s got!

  • Like 1
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Haha, that would be a sight! :D

He does come off as quite insensitive sometimes, yes, and sometimes I feel he's not trying at all. But if I constantly pressure him, albeit unconsciously, I can somehow understand his reactions as well. I don't want spanking and sex to be a chore.

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Honestly, it sounds to me like he's checking out of the relationship.

Every time I've had a partner get suddenly unenthusiastic about doing whatever turned me on, that was when he was about to end it. Or, in a couple of cases, cheating on me.

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Hmmmmm.  You might be correct, Bramblewine. Hadn’t thought of that. Sounds like there are at least three guys in your past who deserve similar treatment or worse. Personally, I don’t do guys, but maybe spankingneeds should set up a service to help shape these sort of miscreants up!!!

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@Bramblewine Nah, he is very dedicated to the relationship in other ways, and I know he wants to have sex with me because if sort of "half" initiates until he realises he has to put some more work into it (like dirtytalk) and then he stops and goes to sleep.

And I know he is not cheating on me, he would literally not have the time and energy. 😆

However I can definitely see how it could sound like it from what I have written, it's very hard to show all the nuances of a relationship in text of course. I just focused on the spanking and sex part because that is what bothers me the most.

(That being said... I actually did get a spanking yesterday.  😉 Nothing too advanced but it was clear he wanted to make an effort!)

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10 hours ago, SubmissiveQueen said:

@Bramblewine Nah, he is very dedicated to the relationship in other ways, and I know he wants to have sex with me because if sort of "half" initiates until he realises he has to put some more work into it (like dirtytalk) and then he stops and goes to sleep.

And I know he is not cheating on me, he would literally not have the time and energy. 😆

However I can definitely see how it could sound like it from what I have written, it's very hard to show all the nuances of a relationship in text of course. I just focused on the spanking and sex part because that is what bothers me the most.

(That being said... I actually did get a spanking yesterday.  😉 Nothing too advanced but it was clear he wanted to make an effort!)

 

Glad to hear it's better than it sounds.

Does he have a very demanding job, or other commitments that tire him out? Your mention of him not having the time or energy makes it sound like that's what it is.

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Trust me, with rare exception, men are rarely too tired for sex or spanking. It happens, of course, more commonly as guys age, but it doesn’t happen except under exceptionally challenging and/or stressful circumstances.

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I'm going to sound like a Debby downer here but it's what I believe through the years. Some people like us are spanko's and most are not. That's just the reality of this fetish. I'm thinking he liked spanking you at first because you liked it, but that doesn't mean it was his thing. He liked doing sexy things that turned you on and maybe thought he could do this a few times and you would move on to something else. But we all know that's not how we are wired. We are just thinking about the next time and the next. You could just settle like I did the first real relationship and even got married but the spanko part was still there and when I brought it up it was too late. She didn't understand it at all and thought I was sick to think of such a thing. This was way before the internet and spanking was still way underground. Sense it's more open now it's a little different. But just tell him how important this is to you. It's part of who you are and it's not going to go away. 

  • Like 3
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Sorry for my late reply!

He does have a physical job and is often tired on weekdays. But that I do accept! I can live with spankings on weekends only 😄 Problem is that he doesn't "get to it" on weekends either most of the times. It's like there's too much effort to just think of doing anything sexy during the day, and in the evening he wants a quickie or cba because he's tired...

@David5 Yeah unfortunately I think you're right. I think he's into it still in away, but it's not a fetish/kink, it's just "this is kinda fun". Like you say, all I can think of is spanking and when the next session is going to be 😅. He is definitely not like that.

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I'm sorry that was so negative I pull for all spanko's to find someone that's on the same path. If you were like me back then it just got as tiresome asking for it as it was for them to do it. Then if they decided to it's not what you really wanted. When it's over I was wishing that it wouldn't have happened at all, but the urge does me in. I do wish you luck. 

  • Like 1
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I’m sorry for you going through this and I hope you can find a way to work it out. My wife and I are somewhat similar as I am the one really into it and is the one to bring it up. I wish I had some advice for you. I hope things get better.

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