The Training of a Spanker

[Bspankly]

I recently began to asking my wife to spank me. Every couple of week for the last few months she has reluctantly spanked me. She thinks it's weird but if I enjoy it ok. 

The first time was awkward but fun. She has been great, more relaxed each time. Better communication is working. The spankings are really good for a beginner, both of us. Everytime she has tried something new it has been great. I try to let her know with lots of yes mam, thank you mam, and please mam, before during and after the spankings.

Everything about this is working for us so far. She always gives me a bj afterwards. oh boy.

I tell her every spanking has been perfect we are still learning. I enjoy the submission and want her to be incharge when I am bent over. She seems to want more feedback.

How can I give her better feedback without being a bossy spankee?

[LightCruiser]

Positive reinforcement is always handy. Pay attention to things you liked the most, and tell her after what your favorite part was. That way she'll know what she's doing right, and do it more in the future. It will make her happy to know she's doing good, and you happy for her to know what works best. 

[James084]

1 hour ago, Bspankly said:

How can I give her better feedback without being a bossy spankee?

You have a good thing going.  If your wife is enjoying the experience, you may want to buy her a book that would help her better understand spanking and the role of a spanker.  Janet W. Hardy (writing as Lady Green) has an excellent book; The Sexually Dominant Woman:  A Workbook for Nervous Beginners.  This book in its third edition is non-threatening and tastefully written.  Only you know your wife’s level of interest and willingness to experiment with you.  But, if she is open to it, encouraging her to read a book like this may give her more insight into your needs and help her consider taking on a more dominant role as you suggested. 

Edited February 27 by James084

[Chawsee]

Hi @Bspankly. It sounds like you two are doing spanking for erotic purposes, and you seem to be making good progress. My suggestion is to be completely positive toward the effort she's putting into this. She's seeking feedback, but this is likely coming from a feeling of insecurity about her role. Feedback isn't what you want to be giving her right now; praise and encouragement are. Feedback will have its place down the road, when she's more confident and wanting to improve her skills. Anything said to her now, that comes off feeling even slightly critical to her (even if you didn't intend it that way) will dampen her enthusiasm.

So for the time being, show her sincere appreciation for every spanking that she doles out. You might tell her something like, "When you did ____________, that was so hot!" Building her confidence will do more than anything else to help diminish the weirdness that she's feeling. And, she'll enjoy this more as you express how impressed you are with her skills. It sounds like she's doing a good job, so just be sincere. You mentioned that she gives you a BJ afterwards. You, who just got the spanking you wanted, should be doing something pleasing to HER as a thank-you.

And for the record, it's Ma'am, not mam.  

[johnsk]

become more compliant as the spankings get harder and more intense, showing her that hard spankings is the ticket for you. Maybe after a really hard spanking, give her oral.

[ammon]

On 2/27/2023 at 5:43 AM, Bspankly said:

.... I enjoy the submission and want her to be incharge when I am bent over...

 

15 hours ago, Chawsee said:

Hi @Bspankly. It sounds like you two are doing spanking for erotic purposes, and you seem to be making good progress. My suggestion is to be completely positive toward the effort she's putting into this. She's seeking feedback, but this is likely coming from a feeling of insecurity about her role. Feedback isn't what you want to be giving her right now; praise and encouragement are. Feedback will have its place down the road, when she's more confident and wanting to improve her skills. Anything said to her now, that comes off feeling even slightly critical to her (even if you didn't intend it that way) will dampen her enthusiasm.

So for the time being, show her sincere appreciation for every spanking that she doles out. You might tell her something like, "When you did ____________, that was so hot!" Building her confidence will do more than anything else to help diminish the weirdness that she's feeling. And, she'll enjoy this more as you express how impressed you are with her skills. It sounds like she's doing a good job, so just be sincere. You mentioned that she gives you a BJ afterwards. You, who just got the spanking you wanted, should be doing something pleasing to HER as a thank-you.

And for the record, it's Ma'am, not mam.  

Thank You, Ms. Chawsee, for wise counsel and pointing out the obvious! Seems that some role reversals have taken hold in the relationship. i'm not sure how appropriate (or out of line) the following quote is from a similar discussion, but in view of the comments on submitting and other activities, it came to mind: "Giving fellatio is sexual servicing, and particularly if unreciprocated, is a degrading act of subordination. The act confirms the social inferiority of the one who gives it. Giving fellatio puts the giver in a state of submission." Hence, the dubiety or confusion for some in the role reversal taking place. (Or maybe She is conditioning you to really need spanking?) Maybe a year around celebration of Cake Day (c&C on 4/14) would highlight your newfound joy and lifestyle better than the role reversals? ... okay, so now i'll brace myself for all the reprisals from half the population...pardon me for the questionable propriety of introducing the above quotation.

[Scorrect]

Chawsee is right on target as usual.  If your wife is into BJs, why not coach her to do it before the spanking? You’ll find the spanking hurts a whole lot more.  Let her know, too, that after she’s done spanking, you’ll give her whatever pleasure she wants.  Don’t be surprised if she wants a long, non-sexual massage or comparable.  Give her room to think outside the box, while deciding. Maybe she’d like you to vacuum, clean up, or do the laundry. Suck it up, be super positive, and give her exactly what she wants!!!!!

[Chawsee]

3 hours ago, ammon said:

"Giving fellatio is sexual servicing, and particularly if unreciprocated, is a degrading act of subordination. The act confirms the social inferiority of the one who gives it. Giving fellatio puts the giver in a state of submission."

Yes! The same thought came to me. It's why I made the suggestion that after getting the spanking he wants, HE should be doing something pleasing for his wife as a thank-you, and not the other way around. You make a good point, that it seems some role reversals have taken hold in the relationship. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and this excellent quote, Ammon.

[ammon]

5 minutes ago, Chawsee said:

Yes! The same thought came to me. It's why I made the suggestion that after getting the spanking he wants, HE should be doing something pleasing for his wife as a thank-you, and not the other way around. You make a good point, that it seems some role reversals have taken hold in the relationship. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and this excellent quote, Ammon.

Wow, thanks, Ms. Chawsee!! i was hesitant to share the quote and thoughts. i appreciate Your approval. Maybe W/we are on the same page?

[Chawsee]

1 hour ago, Scorrect said:

...Let her know, too, that after she’s done spanking, you’ll give her whatever pleasure she wants.  Don’t be surprised if she wants a long, non-sexual massage or comparable.  Give her room to think outside the box, while deciding. Maybe she’d like you to vacuum, clean up, or do the laundry. Suck it up, be super positive, and give her exactly what she wants!!!!!

Now that is an A+ answer!  And you're right about being willing to think outside the box when choosing a way to show gratitude. A long, non-sexual massage, or tackling household chores, are the kinds of thoughtful acts that women often appreciate most. And being appreciative, well-behaved, and extra polite afterwards conditions one's partner to realize that spanking you comes with benefits that extend beyond the session.

[Bspankly]

On 2/28/2023 at 2:05 AM, Chawsee said:

Hi @Bspankly. It sounds like you two are doing spanking for erotic purposes, and you seem to be making good progress. My suggestion is to be completely positive toward the effort she's putting into this. She's seeking feedback, but this is likely coming from a feeling of insecurity about her role. Feedback isn't what you want to be giving her right now; praise and encouragement are. Feedback will have its place down the road, when she's more confident and wanting to improve her skills. Anything said to her now, that comes off feeling even slightly critical to her (even if you didn't intend it that way) will dampen her enthusiasm.

So for the time being, show her sincere appreciation for every spanking that she doles out. You might tell her something like, "When you did ____________, that was so hot!" Building her confidence will do more than anything else to help diminish the weirdness that she's feeling. And, she'll enjoy this more as you express how impressed you are with her skills. It sounds like she's doing a good job, so just be sincere. You mentioned that she gives you a BJ afterwards. You, who just got the spanking you wanted, should be doing something pleasing to HER as a thank-you.

And for the record, it's Ma'am, not mam.  

Yes Ma'am

[OhRedhead]

I guess I don't think of oral sex as sexually degrading in any way. I do not associate it in a general way with submission. It *could* become an act of submission if seen that way by those involved but is hardly universally so. 

[Chawsee]

3 hours ago, OhRedhead said:

I guess I don't think of oral sex as sexually degrading in any way. I do not associate it in a general way with submission. It *could* become an act of submission if seen that way by those involved but is hardly universally so. 

I know Ammon well enough to trust that the quote he shared came from a place of respect, and it was never intended to start a debate about whether or not fellatio is degrading. As a male EE who understands the headspace that the OP is working toward, he made an observation about fellatio in this particular scenario. I could be wrong, but I interpret the point to be that oral sex is akin to an act of submission because the one doing it is performing a service to another.

[nicoleS39]

It is interesting that oral sex....as in blow job or felatio...from talking to folks here, seems to often be a part of a spanking scene involving male and female, but certainly can be a part of same sex relationships as well. I can see how...in such a context... it "can" be an expression of submission, service, or gratitude on the part of the spankee toward the spanker. Of course, if the spanker is "servicing" the spankee, it "seems" more like a sexual expression of intimacy and love...perhaps assurance. I guess it could also be an expression of the spanker's dominance in "demanding" it...so to speak.

But...no matter what the case...hey...I personally LOVE oral sex in all its forms...lol...both receiving and giving...no matter what the context...lol. But certainly...it seems natural to me that oral sex is probably a part of many spanking experiences folks have. 

Having said all that...lol...for us...I give oral sex to my husband as my submission to him in our relationship overall...almost always on my knees...which I feel is an appropriate posture to show my submission.  Sometimes I am restrained while receiving his manhood in my mouth, but once again, as an expression of receiving his dominant control in my submission. It is not really directly...for us...connected to my spankings nor my discipline.  So, we are perhaps different in this as a spanking couple...I dunno.  It is also my "pleasure" to give him that kind of pleasure and see how he enjoys it so. I give it to him every time he wants it on demand...and whenever he honors my request to offer it. I have always loved pleasuring a man...and now exclusively my husband...with my mouth and lips and tongue in that way. It was my very first sexual experience as a teenager, and something I honestly loved to do even in my years as a prostitute. So, I suppose for those reasons, it has kind of been established in my "psyche" as a sexual experience unrelated to spanking...at least in our disciplinary dynamic.

But...I congratulate Bspankly and wife on how you are growing in your relationship and how oral sex makes it even better for you guys.

 

[Bspankly]

Holy smokes. That's a lot to digest.

Interesting point the Mrs. likes to give head. She says it makes her feel in control when I'm laying down. One toung swirl and I am twitching and itching for more. One squeeze and I say please. I am a tv remote with one knob. But I digress

Thanks for the discussion.

[nicklead123]

Just be honest and talk from the heart. When my wife started out, she was "vanilla", but through conversation, honesty, and love, she is now very kinky and is ready to try anything. Trust and communication are key. We've never been closer and felt more connected. I know it was lame answer with no frills or excitement, but its how we kept moving forward, pushing the limits and expanding our spanking/kinky sex lives. 

[OhRedhead]

16 hours ago, Chawsee said:

I know Ammon well enough to trust that the quote he shared came from a place of respect, and it was never intended to start a debate about whether or not fellatio is degrading. As a male EE who understands the headspace that the OP is working toward, he made an observation about fellatio in this particular scenario. I could be wrong, but I interpret the point to be that oral sex is akin to an act of submission because the one doing it is performing a service to another.

I was not directing my comment towards him. I just wanted to share my opinion that generalizing oral sex as submissive and/or degrading in any way does not seem useful. Can it be seen that way if a couple wishes it? Sure.

I think the most valuable advice given in this thread is the O.P. finding a way to reciprocate her willingness to give him what he has been longing for - whether chores, or dinner, or sexual acts. 

[nicoleS39]

On 3/2/2023 at 5:42 AM, Bspankly said:

Holy smokes. That's a lot to digest.

Interesting point the Mrs. likes to give head. She says it makes her feel in control when I'm laying down. One toung swirl and I am twitching and itching for more. One squeeze and I say please. I am a tv remote with one knob. But I digress

Thanks for the discussion.

Sorry...my husband often tells me I need to be less "wordy" and more concise...working at it, but obviously not doing very well in doing so. 😢

[Bspankly]

I have been waiting a couple of weeks to ask for each of my spankings. I'm trying to normalize this element into out regular sex routines.

It is working, yesterday she suggested a quicky before I went out. I asked her what she had in mind. She said "a blowjob, there is no time for a good spanking" silent boom. She chose those words.

I said I agree, it's going to snow this week. While she was doing her thing, I asked if she really felt dominant while blowing me. " yep I have teeth"

Well golly. Who is training who?

So I take that casual interaction as a good sign. I Can't wait for the snow.

[Scorrect]

Sounds like you’re taking it slow and low 😉. Hadn’t even thought about the teeth (ouch!!!!). Glad to hear things are progressing. Am guessing that you’re on your way to establishing a mutually satisfying spanking addition to an already vibrant sex life. Fun, fun, fun.

[BansheeGal]

On 2/27/2023 at 6:43 AM, Bspankly said:

How can I give her better feedback without being a bossy spankee?

It's so important to have lots and lots of open communication. It's not bossy to say, "Hey, I prefer this or don't prefer that" and especially when you're just starting out, that's very necessary. Just keep it respectful, distinguish between hard boundaries and preferences, and give each other grace. 

[Bspankly]

Flashing green light. Me and the Mrs are in the hot tub. It's dark and snowing. Really a nice moment. As I grope and hug her, she says don't get too carried away, save it for tomorrow. OK sure what do you have in mind? I asked.

She says " we are home all day, it's going to snow, it's your choice". "I am overdue for a spanking" I said. " I KNOW" was her response. How cool is that. 

This will be my 6th spanking in about 3 months. We have become spankos in that time period. We only do this for foreplay now and it's taking on a life of its own. I enjoy it and hope she does too.

The people here helped me do this with advice and encouragement. Thank You. I will give an update with details.

[Pgh-mature-male]

On 3/12/2023 at 11:12 PM, BansheeGal said:

It's so important to have lots and lots of open communication. It's not bossy to say, "Hey, I prefer this or don't prefer that" and especially when you're just starting out, that's very necessary. Just keep it respectful, distinguish between hard boundaries and preferences, and give each other grace. 

The ever simple comment: continues to be trust yourself and your partners ability for open, clear communication.

Select an appropriate time where you can express those wants, desires, and ever so important needs. Most individuals involved in coaching professional development will share the thought, “ feedback is a gift”

Cheers and enjoy the journey 

[Bspankly]

Some good advice I got here was to make sure to go the extra mile to do the things she likes to show my appreciation for her being a reluctant spanker. 

My chance came when were cuddling prior to my snow day spanking, I used my massage and oral sex skills, we both got carried away. We both finished before we started in a sexy humparama. It was good.

"What about your spanking?" I told her I was glad to wait until our next happy fun time. I can tell this was helpful for her. The next few days had good progress on the spanking front I'll follow up with that when I get a chance.

[Bspankly]

My show of appreciation for my reluctant wife has gone beyond the bedroom. My little favors I try to do have been more frequent. I have resisted bickering with her, I just say yes ma'am. 

I don't think she sees the spanking as a discipline thing. It is more like bedroom submission role-playing. Either way her acceptance of being my spanker is wonderful. 

The other feedback I received here was to communicate in a way that is not bossy. Praise her efforts, complement, build her confidence. I have encouraged her have fun, laugh, scold, dominate, whatever mood feels right.

All of this has worked. She has used the word spanking with increased frequency without prompting or discussion from me.

The training of my spanker is going well. Thanks for those who took interest in helping me.