Describing Spankoness

[rubyredd]

SN chat often leads to some interesting discussions. One topic that came up recently was "deviancy" - which made me think about how certain terms used within the online spanking community can impact other spankos. Moreso here, in our safe space, than out in the wider vanilla* world. Another post, in the forum this time, briefly discussed the terms "fetish" and "kink."

The Questions:
• What does the term spanko mean to you?
• Does fetish have a positive, negative, or neutral connotation? Please explain.
• What about kink?
• Do you consider spanking to be a fetish, kink, your inherent sexuality... something else?

I try to be cognizant of the words I use here - because SN really is a safe space for many. Not everyone here is comfortable being open about their sexuality or kinks or fetishes. Many of us spent years worrying about what others would think. Worrying we were abnormal. Worrying that something was wrong with us. 

There are folks who come here - regulars even - who are uncomfortable talking openly about spanking. I have never been that way (just the opposite LOL... probably too open), so it can be difficult for me to understand why they aren't interacting as much. I think it just takes time. I prefer main chat, but they might prefer private. They may never post in the forum or even do more than lurk. That is okay, too, because they are reading and, hopefully, feeling like part of a community. Not alone.

Some of us are married to or in a relationship with another spanko. Some of us are in a relationship with a supportive vanilla*. Even more are partnered with unsupportive vanillas. Some are single and ready to mingle. There are folks who come here who have given up hope of having a spanking partner in real life - and so they live out their spankoness here. How do the words we use impact other spankos or even our own sense of self?

*For the purpose of discussion, I use vanilla to refer to any non-spanko - even if they have another fetish or kink.

[Child of Light]

Thank you for starting this thread  It can be hard to create a space where everyone feels open about how they truly feel when some people assert x or y must be wrong, and can’t be how someone feels, and assert it must be z for them. 

[Lineok]

Ruby..you no im married to a non spanko...40 yrs plus.....im still a spanko..tried converting her fot years,,,did not work,,,,let it go..ive been a spanko as long as i can remember...its been a tough rode....but discretion is very important.....we do what we have to....to get through. The  calling to have to do this without...exceeding life...but thecneed and desire,,,,wanting is ALWAYS there..a curse to have this ..but..wonderful as well hope that explained my story..of what younasked?

[ScarlettBottom]

Awesome questions that are going to lead to a lot of conversation! To me, this is how I would answer the questions:

What does the term spanko mean to you?

Someone who likes or has an interest in spanking - giving and/or receiving

Does fetish have a positive, negative, or neutral connotation? Please explain.

It has a neutral connotation for me; who am I to judge what words you use to describe sexual interests?

What about kink?

Kink still holds a neutral connotation to me, but I do prefer using kink over fetish to describe anything I enjoy personally 

Do you consider spanking to be a fetish, kink, your inherent sexuality... something else?

This is a layered question for me; I'm submissive and I do like to be spanked in a power exchange/ play scenario- so in that regard I would consider it to be a kink. It's relaxing, it's fun, and it makes me happy. 

 However, spanking is also effective as punishment & discipline for me- when I'm being scolded and spanked for punishment, or recieving a maintenance spanking I derive absolutely no pleasure from it. It's cleansing, yes, and I feel that I'm being cared for, but it hurts and makes the difference between want and need crystal clear.

[Longtimespanking]

Of course everyone will have their own personal thoughts, but there will be a lot of times where one person's thinking perfectly merges with the consensus of the group as a whole.

What does the term spanko mean to you?  

A person who consensually participates as an adult in spanking, whether giving or receiving.  A spanko does not necessarily have to associate sexual connotations to their spankings, but some people choose to.  A spanko can also be someone who is simply very curious about spankings, who likes to view videos or photos of people engaging in spanking interactions or showing freshly spanked bottoms, or read spanking stories. I believe it is possible to be a very serious spanko and a huge fan of spankings, but never actually give or receive one, and those people are almost certainly deriving sexual pleasures from the photos and videos. 

Does fetish have a positive, negative, or neutral connotation? Please explain.

For me it is neutral. I do not like the thought that a fetish is something which is sexually exciting but isn't supposed to be.  That makes it wrong in many ways to some people, which it isn't. You can have a fetish about many things and never associate it with sexual pleasure or excitement. 

What about kink?

Kink is also neutral as far as any sexual connotations.  I describe kink as a different way of doing things from what most other people would consider normal, and that often involves added intensity or things considered to be in the realm of BDSM play.  That does not make kink bad, or good.  It is strictly the choice of the participant.  Some people may take great sexual pleasure from their kinks, while others may not have that reaction at all and do not engage in any sort of sexual activity at the time they are practicing their kink. 

Do you consider spanking to be a fetish, kink, your inherent sexuality... something else?

Once I was in my teens and old enough to start to understand things, and particularly after I was invited to spank a girl I had met during the first semester of college and found I greatly enjoyed being on the giving end as well as receiving, I considered it something I was psychologically hard wired for. It was not sexual for me, only very enjoyable in many ways.  It is a fetish, and a kink for most of us who participate in it, and it is the inherent sexual preference for many people as well. 

[KentuckyGuy]

I feel that I can only respond well to the last question.  I used to feel that something was very wrong with me.  Then I learned that I was not alone, and that revelation changed my life.  At that time, however, I thought it was just a kink or a feitsh, and perhaps it is.  But in my mind, I truly believe being a spanko is my sexuality...that I was born this way.  Spanking is the only thing that sexually arouses me.  I say that even though I do not expect sex with any spankins I ever give or receive.  In fact, in some ways sex with the actual spanking would be a turn off for me.  

[dmirk]

18 minutes ago, KentuckyGuy said:

I feel that I can only respond well to the last question.  I used to feel that something was very wrong with me.  Then I learned that I was not alone, and that revelation changed my life.  At that time, however, I thought it was just a kink or a feitsh, and perhaps it is.  But in my mind, I truly believe being a spanko is my sexuality...that I was born this way.  Spanking is the only thing that sexually arouses me.  I say that even though I do not expect sex with any spankins I ever give or receive.  In fact, in some ways sex with the actual spanking would be a turn off for me.  

That pretty much is it for me. 
 

In 96 when suddenly the Internet connected us all I finally realized I had serious company. A few sites that came and went helped but here I found real community. 
 

Spanking can or cannot be a sexual thing for me. For many years now it’s only sexual with my wife. Curiously, she’s a vanilla who’s fine with play, but, despite her saying otherwise, she’s never as affectionate and close as when she’s just been given a discipline spanking. 

[nicoleS39]

Great post as usual...thank you.

BTW...I am typing this on my ipad while standing up at the coffee shop....as I really got it good this morning at home before coming in for my 2 PT client sessions and 2 massage sessions along with them. So...my "feelings" on spanking, from my perspective on these questions...are quite "fresh."..lol.

The questions...

The Questions:
• What does the term spanko mean to you? 

I guess...a person or state of mind/heart in a person that has a need and attraction for any aspect of "spanking" and behaviors and attitudes associated with spanking.  

• Does fetish have a positive, negative, or neutral connotation? Please explain.

For me..."fetish" is neutral. As I understand it, fetish is a "link" or "connection" that associates some relationship or object with sexual arousal in some way. I guess...most "fetishes" are traceable to childhood experiences. So...I guess there are all kinds of fetishes, and the degree to which they may be harmful, beneficial, or just "neutral" in their impact...depends on how they are addressed by the person with the fetish(s)...and I suppose how it is "managed" within our culture. Some "could" drive behavior harmful to others, and certainly some may not be readily understood or accepted by the majority of folks. I think for some, spanking may definitely have origin that is fetish based...like in seeing somebody spanked as a child...or being spanked as a child...or whatever. For me personally...Zi dunno...I do not think of my "spanko" as a fetish...although my therapist in the past is convinced my "need" for spanking stems from a fetish developed from my well spanked butt childhood. I dunno...but I do mot "judge" any fetish a person might have...even the more seemingly "exotic" ones not associated with spanking. For instance, I read of one lady who had a fetish of "eating toilet paper.".   I guess it "melts in your mouth."...Sorry form my humor...lol. But...I have read of some very "seeming" exotic ones...but I can "feel" for the person and the challenges they must face in their life.

• What about kink? 

I think "kink" is any sexual practice not deemed "normal" or "mainstream." That does not necessarily make it bad or wrong. But...usually I think most people tend to think of "kink" in negative terms...which to me is unfair and shows lack of understanding. Lol...unless you have a kink...that is. I think "kinks" demonstrate our diversity as sexual human beings. 

• Do you consider spanking to be a fetish, kink, your inherent sexuality... something else? 

For some, I think spanking is a sexual kink. For some, spanking may be fetish in origin. Probably, a person into sexual spanking as a result of a fetish origin would be considered "kinky"....because I think it is still true "spanking sex" is not the "norm" at all in our culture. In that regard, I suppose this "need" could indeed be "inherent" in one's sexuality...very much so. 

For me, I "think" at first my spanking was more about finding a much needed means of control...of not continuing to destroy myself...and of extreme doubt I would ever do well with my life. So...I connected the disciplinary and harsh nature of my childhood spankings with what my husband could bring into my life with spanking and discipline and dominant authority. I "needed" that...still do. But...after we were married, I began to get aroused (wet) sometimes during his spankings and dominance. I never really started understanding or acknowledging the connection between his spankings and my arousals...and how our sex life seemed so incredible even though he rarely takes me sexually after or during a spanking itself. But...about 7 years or so ago...I stated to understand even my disciplinary spankings and our sexual intimacy...are linked or mutually fostering of each.

lol...so...what do I consider myself?  lol...probably best as "one hot mess"...lol. But..just recently, and I guess due to  some comments from rubyredd....I now see myself as "a submissive servant wife accountable to my husband's discipline AND a sexual masochist submitted to my husband's dominance."

 

 

 

 

 

[littledemon]

What does the term spanko mean to you?

Someone who has a strong interest in spanking, regardless of levels of participation/experience or the reason/motivation for their interest

Does fetish have a positive, negative, or neutral connotation? Please explain.

Fetish is inherently sexual by nature, and have a slightly negative connotation by society at large (not by me) due to the perception of sexual deviancy

What about kink?

Kink is not inherently sexual but is often used interchangeably with fetish, hence it also carries some negative connotation.

Do you consider spanking to be a fetish, kink, your inherent sexuality... something else?

Spanking can be a fetish, or a kink, or sexuality, or a need, or anything else an individual wants it to be. For me, spanking's essentially a hobby. I participate in it the same way I do with other hobbies, except I have to be discreet about it (another one of my hobbies also requires discretion even though it is completely non-sexual). It'd be easier to talk to people if it was simply a fetish for me, but the fact that it's non-sexual and also non-disciplinary for me makes it harder to explain to people, both spankos and vanillas, why I enjoy it.

[danadares]

I enjoy considering questions like this.

• What does the term spanko mean to you?

Someone who "gets it" with regard to spanking as a need and/or desire. They would visit this site regularly because spanking, for whatever reason, is a major attraction in their life or imagination. If reading and writing isn't their thing, a spanko still finds a way to express their spankoness. Spanking is not just another pleasure or interest on a spanko's list; it's at the top and special.
 
• Does fetish have a positive, negative, or neutral connotation? Please explain.

A fetish is what it is — an obsessive focus on something, could be anything. Paraphilia is a closely related word, and many fetishes are, FWIW, technically a paraphilia. Whether it's positive, negative, or neutral depends on how it impacts a person's life. As a young person with a fetish, I felt alienated, but I became so acclimated to the word, it feels comfortable to me now.

• What about kink?

I see it as an unconventional source of pleasure, most often associated with a sexual desire. Some things are less conventional than others, and it can be a subjective call. Same as a fetish, a kink's value is dependent on its impact.

Fetish and kink are used interchangeably in the BDSM world, but to my knowledge, a fetish is a person's obsessive focus on one thing, where a kink could be even a mild turn-on in a long list of things that are arousing/pleasurable to a person. It is unlikely one person would have more than one fetish, but they could have a hundred kinks.

• Do you consider spanking to be a fetish, kink, your inherent sexuality... something else?

It's my fetish, and a core part of my sexuality. I don't know why that is, but it's tied very closely with my childhood.