Advice for long distance

[Summer]

Hoping to get some wise words from you all on dealing with a long distance relationship. It won’t always be long distance, but for now, circumstances mean we won’t be able to get together for at least a year. 😢

The dynamic is Domestic Discipline with him being HOH and me being TiH (Lord knows I need a minder 😂).

We currently keep in contact with text, calls, and video calls. I also email him a calendar i use to track what he requires me to track and daily photos of my outfit so he can approve my clothing since we have agreed upon rules about my clothes.
 

No directed self-spanking as we’ve both had experience with that in the past and found it to be less than fulfilling. But he has had me use capsaicin cream and corner time. I don’t break rules much because I prefer being well-behaved, but I let some frustration get the better of me and I broke a rule as a result. 

There are also physical reminders of his ownership of me which I won’t describe here as they fall outside the topic of spanking.
 

I just know I’m going to have a hard time waiting for him to get here. He is too. But the wait is necessary. How do i keep myself patient?

Any and all advice from people who have been in a long distance TPE relationship is welcome. Thanks in advance. 

[Chawsee]

While I don't have experience with this particular dynamic, I am well-seasoned when it comes to long-distance relationships. My suggestion is to keep yourself busy. Don't allow thoughts about this coupling to consume your waking hours, or the time will drag by (been there, done that). No matter how exciting a new relationship is (and I know, they can seem absolutely amazing!), life doesn't come to a standstill and revolve around that person. We always have adult responsibilities to tend to, and keeping busy makes a wait like this seem to pass so much faster. 

That said, I feel an obligation to voice my concern about you agreeing to a TiH position via long-distance agreement. Have you decided on this before meeting him? It's good to converse as you're doing now, through texts, calls, and video-chats. But I think it's crucial to meet first, in a safe public place, and get to know him in person before making any long-term plans with him. He should earn the position of HoH (and his status of "owning" you) by proving himself worthy of it. Take time to read the safety section of the forum so that you're armed with good "street smarts." And never accept such a big step blindly because someone agrees to it from afar.

 

[Summer]

Thank you for your words of wisdom. They are very much appreciated.

While I won’t go into detail on how I’ve verified the many things I’ve learned about him over the last several months of extensive video calls (as good as it’s going to get at the moment since we can not meet in person) or what it is that I know about him, i have good reason to believe I know this man very well. So very hard to explain while also remaining vague. I absolutely appreciate your concern though. 
 

You’re right on staying ahead of my current responsibilities. I have a lot on my plate at the moment and he has been very helpful in helping me keep things prioritized so I don’t get overwhelmed. Remaining independent and responsible during this time is very important. But it is also so very nice to have him encouraging me and sometimes reminding me to take care of myself in all the busy life stuff. 

While we know that we will eventually be in a DD relationship when we’re under one roof, we aren’t over focused on that at the moment. Only ever one corrective event for a blatant rule break born out of frustration with life yuck. Mostly we’re focused on relationship foundation building. Which is so very nice. I’ve never had anyone care for me in some of the ways he does. Very refreshing.

And he respects boundaries! After being in a vanilla relationship in which my boundaries didn’t matter at all, the fact that i have never felt like i had to fight to hold a boundary with this man is amazing! 
 

Anyway, as you suggested, i will continue to keep my focus on building the life i need to lead with my family, job, and other responsibilities. I’ve been working on rebuilding my hobbies that I had to give up during my previous vanilla relationship that wasn’t healthy. I’m rediscovering what makes me happy and I’m not giving any of that up. 

[spike]

Going to give my opinion on this, hope it is constructive and not meant as a criticism.  First of all, just on the subject of long distance relationships only (nothing to do with spanking or DD): I go with an old saying; "amor de lejos es amor de pendejos" (roughly translates to "love by distance is the love of fools" - sounds better in Spanish; it rhymes). But getting into your specifics, while it's possible that eventually you'll Iive happily ever after, this relationship may not go as you picture it.

8 hours ago, Chawsee said:

 

 I feel an obligation to voice my concern about you agreeing to a TiH position via long-distance agreement. Have you decided on this before meeting him? It's good to converse as you're doing now, through texts, calls, and video-chats. But I think it's crucial to meet first, in a safe public place, and get to know him in person before making any long-term plans with him. He should earn the position of HoH (and his status of "owning" you) by proving himself worthy of it. Take time to read the safety section of the forum so that you're armed with good "street smarts." And never accept such a big step blindly because someone agrees to it from afar.

 

Chawsee is wise. You haven't spent time together in person, let alone met this man in person? And yet (with your consent) he "owns" you? This is far from those who feel like they 'belong to each other'. Suppose at a point you decide that it's not a match made in heaven; can you leave safely? Will he allow it, stalk you, or worse?

And while I'm not here to talk about myself in this post (I do that way too much anyway, but that's beside the point), as a retired detective I've handled MANY cases of "If I can't have you nobody can" whose spouse/partner felt he "owned" his partner.

Certainly my life view is seen through the prism of my own experience; certainly not all such situations end up badly. It could by the best decision you ever made. Just recommending you proceed cautiously, and meet in person before you make a solemn commitment.  

[Bramblewine]

On 1/29/2023 at 7:42 AM, spike said:

Going to give my opinion on this, hope it is constructive and not meant as a criticism.  First of all, just on the subject of long distance relationships only (nothing to do with spanking or DD): I go with an old saying; "amor de lejos es amor de pendejos" (roughly translates to "love by distance is the love of fools" - sounds better in Spanish; it rhymes).

Not to mention, pendejo is a much cruder word than fool. In this context, probably the most accurate translation would be "dumb fucks."

That said, it's one thing if a relationship that started in person becomes a long distance one (though best if the long distance part has a clear expiration date). It's entirely another to have a long distance "relationship" with someone you've never even met in person. For that, I put relationship in quotes because to my mind, if you've never even met in person, it can't really be anything but a friendship. Maybe a very special kind of friendship, maybe even some nebulous thing somewhere in between just friends and significant others, as a decent amount of spanking relationships seem to be even if they're in person, but still, only a friendship.

 

On 1/29/2023 at 7:42 AM, spike said:

You haven't spent time together in person, let alone met this man in person? And yet (with your consent) he "owns" you? This is far from those who feel like they 'belong to each other'. Suppose at a point you decide that it's not a match made in heaven; can you leave safely? Will he allow it, stalk you, or worse?

This. How free are you, really, to end this if you decide it no longer serves you?

Naturally, thinking about ending it is probably not something you want to think about when it's new and fresh and feels so much better than what you had before. But if you're getting into an ownership situation, you can't afford not to think about that. Best case scenario, you won't need an out, but you can afford to have an out and not need it. You can't afford to need it and not have it.

 

On 1/28/2023 at 11:16 PM, Summer said:

And he respects boundaries! After being in a vanilla relationship in which my boundaries didn’t matter at all, the fact that i have never felt like i had to fight to hold a boundary with this man is amazing! 

You can't know for sure how well he respects your boundaries when you've never spent any time with him in person. It's great that you see him respecting your boundaries when you communicate online and in video chat, but all that proves is that he does at least a slightly better job of respecting your boundaries than your ex did. If your ex is your baseline for "does he or doesn't he respect my boundaries?" anyone with even a smidge better respect for boundaries than your ex qualifies. That doesn't necessarily mean they're as conscientious about boundaries as you really need a partner to be. To find out if they are, you would have to see them in more situations, in person.

You would also have to be past the point of being amazed that they're at all better than your ex. You're not past that point now. You're still seeing it through rose colored glasses. 

In a dom/sub relationship, appropriate boundaries are even more vital than in a vanilla one, because so much more goes on that could blur or cross boundaries. Never agree to one without knowing for sure how conscientious about boundaries your would-be dom really is.

 

 

 

 

[spike]

1 hour ago, Bramblewine said:

Not to mention, pendejo is a much cruder word than fool. In this context, probably the most accurate translation would be "dumb fucks."

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, "pendejo" is usually a vulgar term, however the meaning changes a bit depending on the country. For example, in Argentina it can mean kid/child. In Peru I've heard it used to mean pubic hair. Dumb fuck is a very good generic translation, but the degree of it's vulgarity varies. 

Off topic, just for clarity.

[spike]

Summer, a follow-up thought on this that might be helpful. (Kind of a bit of a story to get to the point, but since when have I written with an economy of words?)

I belong to a regular gym which plays loud drivel masquerading as music (so I wear earphones). There is also a smaller gym here in the complex where I live which plays old rock and roll music.  If I only want a cardio workout I'll spend an hour on the elliptical machine, saving the trouble of driving to the regular gym for weight training. Today while at the home gym the song I Put A Spell On You came on. It's a three chord progression with a saxophone solo bridge; pretty typical old rock and roll. But despite my fondness for this type of  music, I've never liked this particular song. But stuck on the elliptical, there was no choice but to listen - and it reminded me of your post and responses you've received.

Can you tell your guy (future owner?) that before you move into the same household, you need to live apart for a period of time, while spending time together in person, just to be sure you click? If he agrees, even begrudgingly, this says much for his character. If he refuses, I'd be off like a prom dress.

Since we're all connected here due to our mutual interest, it's good we look out for each other. Just a suggestion. 

[nicoleS39]

15 hours ago, spike said:

I belong to a regular gym which plays loud drivel masquerading as music (so I wear earphones). There is also a smaller gym here in the complex where I live which plays old rock and roll music.  If I only want a cardio workout I'll spend an hour on the elliptical machine, saving the trouble of driving to the regular gym for weight training.

My comment not really related to spanking or even this topic...but I am always glad to see someone being conscious and taking measures to be physically fit. Thanks to my husband...and yes, at times his belt lol when I lose focus....physical fitness and healthy nutrition and lifestyle have become such an important part of my life...actually in both our lives and that of our children as well. It has been a huge reason for my life being so much better the last 15 years and counting. Even my job is about physical fitness and health...I am a personal trainer and licensed massage therapist in the fitness center my husband owns. Lots of work, but I love it.

I am too wordy here all the time. But...just want to give you a high five for your attention to physical fitness. Lol...I am a believer in its value and benefits, and encourage everybody I know to develop a doable plan for them.

[Summer]

On 2/2/2023 at 4:01 PM, spike said:

Summer, a follow-up thought on this that might be helpful. (Kind of a bit of a story to get to the point, but since when have I written with an economy of words?)

I belong to a regular gym which plays loud drivel masquerading as music (so I wear earphones). There is also a smaller gym here in the complex where I live which plays old rock and roll music.  If I only want a cardio workout I'll spend an hour on the elliptical machine, saving the trouble of driving to the regular gym for weight training. Today while at the home gym the song I Put A Spell On You came on. It's a three chord progression with a saxophone solo bridge; pretty typical old rock and roll. But despite my fondness for this type of  music, I've never liked this particular song. But stuck on the elliptical, there was no choice but to listen - and it reminded me of your post and responses you've received.

Can you tell your guy (future owner?) that before you move into the same household, you need to live apart for a period of time, while spending time together in person, just to be sure you click? If he agrees, even begrudgingly, this says much for his character. If he refuses, I'd be off like a prom dress.

Since we're all connected here due to our mutual interest, it's good we look out for each other. Just a suggestion. 

Yes, that’s the plan. The long distance is allowing us to learn things about each other that might get overlooked if part of our time was more focused on the physical parts of a relationship. We have to use our words, not our bodies, to express what we feel and how our faith in God being at the core gives us a firm foundation for when we’re able to be local. 

[spike]

But this misses the whole point (you can't know what someone is really like until you've spent time together, in person). That said, hope it all works out.