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Spanking and emotions...


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To me, spanking is a very emotional experience...for both spanker and spankee.  In my experience as a spankee in a primarily disciplinary marriage dynamic...my emotions have run the full range...all the way from joy, delight, ectasy...to...anger and regretful sorrow.  My husband is sometimes angry when he spanks me. Not out of control...but definitely angry. Other times, he is very caring and compassionate, even when laying into me pretty harshly. 

What is your experience. Do you find "spanking" to be very "emotional" experience...or for you is it perhaps more " matter if fact", just a necessity, or a means to an end...?

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For me spanking is more about playful feelings. Even if I’m putting on a more serious demeanor when spanking (acting rougher or mean) it’s still coming from a fun roleplay POV. 

 

I was spanked as a form of corporal punishment growing up so the last thing I want to do is bring that kind of negative energy/association to it. Engaging in consensual spanking as an adult is probably a way for me to reframe those negative experiences by creating new, fun, playful, positive experiences.

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2 hours ago, Cassie RN said:

In my opinion no spanker should spank while angry.  Send the naughty person to their room and wait while the spanker calms down.  The anticipation of waiting to get spanked is almost as bad as the spanking itself

I agree with this, though I know some spankos like being spanked by an angry spanker. Hopefully, in this case, the anger is manageable and doesn't get out of control.

Bad behavior can cause anger, and if spanking for punishment is how it's handled, I think the anger should be resolved first. I don't see spanking as an act of violence or vengeance. If I'm angry, I don't feel like lashing out at my partner. On the contrary, spanking is a sign that we're okay.

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spanking is very emotional for me. even if it doesn't lead to tears per se, the whole ritual of it stirs up strong emotions in me. sometimes they come from regret & remorse, sometimes from anticipation, but always there are emotions.

if my husband is really angry, he will wait and put me in the corner while he calms down. he might be upset but he will not spank me in anger.

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I'm also in the camp of not spanking or wanting to be spanked until the anger passes. Whoever the spanker is, they are (in large part) responsible for the safety of their spankee, and anger denotes a loss of calmness and rationality (in my book) and that is not a headspace to be in when spanking someone.

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Initial "emotion" is the reason there is First a verbal "discussion" regarding an incident. Whereas it might be a one-way or two-way discussion to recover from my initial reaction to a particular incident, sometimes regarded as "an extremely high level of dismay" [massive BP surge 😁], which allows for an emotion level [BP😁] to return to normal. First, for listening to the "other side". Second, to allow for any such out-of-control interference to Cool Down & to run its course. And then, "Believe me" there will be the appropriate consequence.

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2 hours ago, F0xMauledher said:

For me spanking is more about playful feelings. Even if I’m putting on a more serious demeanor when spanking (acting rougher or mean) it’s still coming from a fun roleplay POV. 

 

I was spanked as a form of corporal punishment growing up so the last thing I want to do is bring that kind of negative energy/association to it. Engaging in consensual spanking as an adult is probably a way for me to reframe those negative experiences by creating new, fun, playful, positive experiences.

This!

I'm a spankee, but otherwise I feel the exact same way. Except that for me, I don't think it's so much about reframing the punishments I got as a child as it is that my desire to be spanked comes from a different place. I never wanted punishment. I still don't. Pretend punishment, funishment, sure, because that's play, and that puts the control in my hands. If I want to be spanked, I can "misbehave." But I can't go there if it's too real. 

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There's a difference between anger and rage.

Spankers must be in control of themselves at all times, even when angry. I feel that behavior that enrages spankers really shouldn't be dealt with by spanking in the first place, as many issues are too serious to be addressed with such unilateral power. At the very least, a spanker who is enraged should wait until he or she has calmed down before hitting someone he or she cares about. Even if that's what the spankee wants.

As for anger, even though I have no adult experience with being spanked in anger, it's definitely on my bucket list! Perhaps I'm crazy, but I'd love to get spanked by a woman who is genuinely angry with me. Somehow it'd be even better if I disagree with her but accept it respectfully, perhaps without remorse. Lecturing and scolding are awesome, but they're most powerful when born out of genuine anger. Put me in my place and take me down a peg or two (but please do so with dignity)!

While I might feel differently were it to actually happen, it's a frequent fantasy I think I'd like to experience in reality, that can't be faked in role play. Role play is fun, but if I were to find myself in a relationship with a woman who spanks me for role play, being spanked in controlled anger for real would be a neat thing to happen. At least once. 🙂 (or perhaps 😪)

 

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Spanking is definitely an emotional experience for me - and those emotions vary, but joy is always one of them. Even in discipline. 

My husband just spent a lovely hour caning me. No anger, no fruatration... just talking and laughing and caning and yelping (on my part, not his). It was just a wonderful way for us to connect with each other after me being sick for three weeks. 

He has never spanked me in anger, but former partners have. It never bothered me. But, that isn't part of our dynamic.

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There's a line between anger and rage for me, though I'm not sure I can always define where it is precisely. Punishment as a consequence for genuinely unwanted behavior has been at the center of what draws me to spanking. Without the drama and emotion around it, the act of spanking is just sexual foreplay, which is fun but not really worth much thought to me. Punishment is not fun, but it's rewarding. The idea of it is exciting. I can understand why anyone would not want to go there. You must be wired for it.

With punishment, the feelings of the spanker are concern for their partner's well-being and happiness and disappointment in their failure. Something causing harm to the relationship may fall under that umbrella. Depending on the circumstances, there may be anger about what their partner did (or didn't do) for good reason. A spanking is a serious expression of that concern, which may appear as anger, but is in no way uncontrolled or coming from a malevolent intent.

 

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Each of you have given such thoughtful insights. Thank you.

My biggest take away thus far...has been..."there is a difference between rage and anger." I understand "rage" to be uncontrolled anger...and totally agree "rage" should not drive a spanking...at least in my opinion. And...with regard to those averse to the concept of "punishment" in their dynamic....I can totally understand why anger is not a desired emotion in a spanking. 

Bottom line...however...it seems all of us see spanking as emotional experience...regardless of the type of spanking dynamic we might enjoy.

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On 12/1/2022 at 12:17 PM, StrictGent said:

I'm also in the camp of not spanking or wanting to be spanked until the anger passes. Whoever the spanker is, they are (in large part) responsible for the safety of their spankee, and anger denotes a loss of calmness and rationality (in my book) and that is not a headspace to be in when spanking someone.

I agree, for the most part. And yet…

Anger is typically a very personal emotion and often driven by genuine care and concern. I’ve found when you don’t care, you don’t typically get angry. There are times when things I’ve confessed warrant a level of anger, for lack of a better word. In that situation, the anger denotes a level of care and concern which would be reflected in the immediate reaction of a belt being removed or pulled otk. I do believe, as others have stated, that there’s a distinct  difference between being angry and taking charge, correcting the behavior immediately, vs showing rage and losing control and spanking simply to hurt. I could never trust a spanker who could not exhibit a level of control, especially when angered by something I’ve done. As a spankee, sometimes I need that immediate emotional response from my spanker because it enforces that:

A: what I’ve done was way out of line 

and 

B: it obviously bothered them personally that I had done something so egregious. 
 

The more I feel connected to a spanker, the less I want to disappoint them, let alone myself. 
 

 

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On 12/1/2022 at 4:18 PM, danadares said:

There's a line between anger and rage for me, though I'm not sure I can always define where it is precisely. Punishment as a consequence for genuinely unwanted behavior has been at the center of what draws me to spanking. Without the drama and emotion around it, the act of spanking is just sexual foreplay, which is fun but not really worth much thought to me. Punishment is not fun, but it's rewarding. The idea of it is exciting. I can understand why anyone would not want to go there. You must be wired for it.

With punishment, the feelings of the spanker are concern for their partner's well-being and happiness and disappointment in their failure. Something causing harm to the relationship may fall under that umbrella. Depending on the circumstances, there may be anger about what their partner did (or didn't do) for good reason. A spanking is a serious expression of that concern, which may appear as anger, but is in no way uncontrolled or coming from a malevolent intent.

 

I always so thoroughly enjoy your insight and reading your opinions. 
 

You stated my feelings on this so much better than I did. I wholeheartedly agree with this, that the feelings of concern from the spanker are so wholly important. For me, genuine anger doesn’t have to mean malice or loss of control, but can rather translate to swift and immediate action. 

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23 minutes ago, jennyjen said:

genuine anger doesn’t have to mean malice or loss of control, but can rather translate to swift and immediate action. 

a contemporary translation of "genuine anger", for the most part, might be a " significantly increased, yet controllable, level of dismay" or rather "an extremely high, tho' manageable, BP surge"  😁

Edited by MrBottoms
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Daddy always looks pretty matter-of-fact, from what I can see looking over my shoulder.  For me, it's all sorts of emotions: sadness that I've misbehaved to the point where I deserve a spanking, fear of how much of a spanking I'm going to get, embarrassment of being over Daddy's lap with my bottom bare, and of course the pain of every (hard!) smack that lands on my bare bottom.  There's also relief when the spanking is over - a sense that I've paid for my misbehavior with a sore, red bottom.

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8 hours ago, jennyjen said:

For me, genuine anger doesn’t have to mean malice or loss of control, but can rather translate to swift and immediate action. 

I think this is a very valuable point. I think this describes the "sometimes" angry spankings my husband gives me. He is never out of control"....or never has "lost it"...but...he is urgent and swift at times...and the intensity is usually higher. He is...real. I mean...our dynamic is disciplinary, and sometimes the thing I did or did not do...is cause for anger in dealing with me. It would not be "real" to just calmly spank me...anger as described here... is totally appropriate. 

 

 

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9 hours ago, MrBottoms said:

a contemporary translation of "genuine anger", for the most part, might be a " significantly increased, yet controllable, level of dismay" or rather "an extremely high, tho' manageable, BP surge"  😁

And this is why I adore reading your posts!! 😂 

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1 hour ago, nicoleS39 said:

I think this is a very valuable point. I think this describes the "sometimes" angry spankings my husband gives me. He is never out of control"....or never has "lost it"...but...he is urgent and swift at times...and the intensity is usually higher. He is...real. I mean...our dynamic is disciplinary, and sometimes the thing I did or did not do...is cause for anger in dealing with me. It would not be "real" to just calmly spank me...anger as described here... is totally appropriate. 

 

 

I think this is the exact dynamic that is difficult to describe, but I agree with you!

 

For instance, I tell my ER that I’ve done something stupidly dangerous. The reaction actually should be (at least in my mind) swift and severe. There is an absolute difference between a long spanking with warmups and breaks and a swift , belt is removed and used with intensity, spanking. I don’t see that as a loss of control and, at least for me, it solidifies a level of care rather than indifference. 
 

now, if he’s so mad that he wouldn’t trust himself, then yes…a time out is necessary before discipline is administered.  However, there’s something to be said about the immediacy of a punishment when having done something truly wrong. 

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On 11/30/2022 at 9:33 PM, nicoleS39 said:

 

 Do you find "spanking" to be very "emotional" experience...or for you is it perhaps more " matter if fact", just a necessity, or a means to an end...?

For me, it's an emotional means to an end in a couple different regards.

In an erotic sense, it has always been in my psyche. Before I was old enough to understand it, it was sensual.   As it has "aged" in me, it has become an emotionally-laden form of communication.  Sometime it says 'let go - right now you're not in charge of or responsible for anything anything".  Sometimes it says "I love you".  Sometimes it says 'I'm aggravated with you".  Sometimes it says " I know you are a better man than what you did/said/thought".  Sometimes it says "You can let go of the guilt, you've atoned".

I was in a long term relationship with someone who did not communicate well, and who was an expert at hiding and repressing her feelings - both positive and negative. Eventually there came a moment when it became clear that years and years of seemingly small offenses, transgressions and frustrations had been stored away, repressed and planted deep like seeds of anger - rather than being communicated and dealt with.  Discovering how significant my blindspot was impacted me heavily, and I've realized that I'm now paranoid about un-communicated and unresolved issues.   As kooky as it sounds, a blistered backside allows one to feel without doubt that a variety of issues have been clearly, and decisively communicated...and that produces peace-of-mind.

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For me getting spanked is quite emotional. That is part of the benefit for me and part of why it is such  powerful experience. Spankings for me are for stress relief. It helps me get my emotions "in order", and "wrap by head" around what I'm feeling, and I deal with them subconsciously while the spanking is in progress.

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I agree that a spanker should not spank when he's out of control, or to impose his will for selfish reasons. But I don't hear much about the angry spankee. A spanking is a way my ER can engage with all of me, not just the nice parts. When I'm swearing and shouting, or withdrawn and sarcastic, my ER doesn't fear my temper, and he doesn't lose his own. He smiles and pats his lap. He says, I just need "a little attention." 

If I don't get a clue right away, go to him and let him bare and position my bottom, he knows I need "a little extra attention".  If he has to count, or get up and pull me over, I'm going to get more attention than I ever wanted! He spanks hard, patiently, not too much at once, but wearing my tantrum down until my curses become tearful pleas, then helpless sobs, just what I need to let go of shame and frustration.

I need to trust that he won't abandon me or let me push him around. If he were aloof, treating me like a machine that needs the bottom heated every 3000 miles, I would break something over his head.

 

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On 12/5/2022 at 11:22 AM, DunBenSpanked said:

Sometime it says 'let go - right now you're not in charge of or responsible for anything anything".  Sometimes it says "I love you".  Sometimes it says 'I'm aggravated with you".  Sometimes it says " I know you are a better man than what you did/said/thought".  Sometimes it says "You can let go of the guilt, you've atoned".

This was beautifully said, Ben.

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On those occasions when I have been trusted to spank, I have found it extremely moving that such trust has been expressed and demonstrated. In such a situation, I always feel a deep sense of care and responsibility towards the spankee. This makes for an intense emotional scenario - I would not want it to be any other way,

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