Difficulty not using safe word

[pavium]

Has anyone ever struggled to NOT use your safe-word during a discipline spanking? I trust my partner and feel safe to use safe-words, but during discipline, I want to be able to relinquish more control.  Sometimes I automatically use it when intensity gets high.  Sometimes later on I wish that I hadn't.
 

I wonder if there is some self work that I can do.  I genuinely want to push myself.  I think I need to work on negotiation and have some protocol during the check-in conversation.  Does anyone else struggled with this? 

[Explorify]

It doesn't have to be all or nothing.  You can use a green light, yellow light, red light system to modulate the intensity before pulling the ultimate emergency brake of a safeword that abruptly terminates the session. -Ex.

[NewBrandon]

As @Explorify stated you could use the traffic light system to were you are telling your partner that you are close to having to use your safeword without using your safeword. Also if it is a discipline spanking and you aren’t feeling like you have been disciplined enough maybe you need to talk to your spanker and have them change the implement to one that you can withstand for a long amount of time. 
 

I used to have the same issue as you do. Finally I just talked with my mentor and he gave me a longer warm up and that helped but he also read my body language so he could modulate the force that he was using.

 

[Chawsee]

Thanks for sharing this, @pavium. You are not the only spankee who is dealing with this issue. I spoke with someone just recently who shared a very similar struggle, so this topic will likely help others, as well. 

I am the third respondent who suggests the "green, yellow, red" approach. There is no shame in asking your partner to keep going, but to lighten up a little. If you're uncomfortable interjecting this way, you can try it for a few spankings when needed, then drop the practice once your partner learns to calibrate a little more to your tolerance. As a spanker, I assure you that your feedback actually helps her, too.

So many of us relate to, and naturally equate, adult spanking to the childhood spankings we got. We remember how spankings back then felt completely out of our control, and we desire to reach that same no-control headspace as adults. But whether or not one was spanked growing up, the dynamic is different. As kids, even if it was painful, it was over relatively quickly. Not many kids are given 200 or 300 swats (or more), as we often do in adult spanking. So we can allow ourselves a little grace. It will be painful, but need not be overwhelming to be effective.

And this is just my two cents, but there is really no need to push oneself. A spankee will increase his tolerance in his own good time. So be patient with yourself. Once a spankee develops a "hard bottom," he then requires intense spankings. And at this point, many reminisce about the days when their bottom was a little more sensitive. 

Edited November 28, 2022 by Chawsee

[Zhal]

I've had spankers that didn't allow safe words and those who did. With the ones who didn't, I had to have them convince me that they'd still keep me safe other than my backside and maybe thighs. With those who did allow them, I actually never made one, and no spanking ever made me get close to wanting to use it if I had. That said, I do like the idea of a punishment spanking feeling like a punishment spanking and being over when it's over.

[danadares]

I'm one who equates adult discipline with childhood spankings. There's no safe word, but a punishment doesn't last that long. Nobody wants to cause an injury, and we're not going to die from a spanking. The result is that the spanker has decided what the punishment will be, and that in-and-of-itself satisfies the circumstances. After the fact, if it was more or less than what we think is effective, then talk it out, and try again next time.

Having a safe word or traffic light system is a good safe way to go about being in control of your own discipline. Nothing wrong with that at all, but it's an illusion that you are ever relinquishing control. You are always the one deciding to stop or pause, and then whether or not to continue. I don't know how to push oneself to take more, but repeating what you're doing should get you more acclimated. But then being more acclimated might mean it's never enough.

 

[Spankingmyhuby]

14 minutes ago, danadares said:

I'm one who equates adult discipline with childhood spankings. There's no safe word, but a punishment doesn't last that long. Nobody wants to cause an injury, and we're not going to die from a spanking. The result is that the spanker has decided what the punishment will be, and that in-and-of-itself satisfies the circumstances. After the fact, if it was more or less than what we think is effective, then talk it out, and try again next time.

Having a safe word or traffic light system is a good safe way to go about being in control of your own discipline. Nothing wrong with that at all, but it's an illusion that you are ever relinquishing control. You are always the one deciding to stop or pause, and then whether or not to continue. I don't know how to push oneself to take more, but repeating what you're doing should get you more acclimated. But then being more acclimated might mean it's never enough.

 

Well you made some very good points. First we have been married and I have spanked my husband for a long time. 

Yes our marriage is a wife led marriage and spankings are given maintenance and discipline. We have never used a safe word. I know what he should be able to take and he has agreed to let me decide what he needs.

Topping from the bottom is not acceptable in our marriage. My husband does not have a choice how I will spank. It not like going to McDonald's and ordering a hamburger.

After a spanking I want to know I gave him a good one and he doesn't want to disappoint me by trying to 🛑 the correction. 

I believe safe words could be useful when first starting a relationship or if you are not familiar with your partner.

MS L.

[MrBottoms]

There are occasions when & where safe-word on any level would apply. However, I have not encountered one of those occasions. Safe-wording has always been discussed during the "getting acquainted" phase but that's as far as the discussion would lead. My complete attention is focused on verbal & physical cues throughout the disciplinary process. Thru a number of years & encounters there has never been an unfortunate incident which either side neglected or regretted.

[JennyOTK]

If I’m being spanked for discipline, I truly don’t want a safe word. I know myself well enough to say I’d use it just to manipulate and be in control, which negates the entire purpose for me of a discipline spanking. 
 

@Chawsee brought up an excellent point, however, that childhood spanking were typically swift while possibly still quite severe. Having been a very long time since I’ve had an adult spanking, I don’t know that I can take a lengthy spanking vs a swift and severe one. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Even my last adult discipline spanking was very severe but was over quickly.  I see the need for the red, yellow, green light in that instance but again I fear I would use it to gain back the control I actually need to lose. 

[StrictGent]

29 minutes ago, jennyjen said:

If I’m being spanked for discipline, I truly don’t want a safe word. I know myself well enough to say I’d use it just to manipulate and be in control, which negates the entire purpose for me of a discipline spanking. 
 

@Chawsee brought up an excellent point, however, that childhood spanking were typically swift while possibly still quite severe. Having been a very long time since I’ve had an adult spanking, I don’t know that I can take a lengthy spanking vs a swift and severe one. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Even my last adult discipline spanking was very severe but was over quickly.  I see the need for the red, yellow, green light in that instance but again I fear I would use it to gain back the control I actually need to lose. 

This is insightful and good for you for acknowledging your potential misuse of a safe word. For me, this highlights what we so often say here - there's no substitute for advanced communication and really getting to know your spanker/spankee. That way, you can relinquish the safe word and know they will read you and your reactions, and give the discipline you need.

[danadares]

1 hour ago, jennyjen said:

If I’m being spanked for discipline, I truly don’t want a safe word. I know myself well enough to say I’d use it just to manipulate and be in control, which negates the entire purpose for me of a discipline spanking. 
 

@Chawsee brought up an excellent point, however, that childhood spanking were typically swift while possibly still quite severe. Having been a very long time since I’ve had an adult spanking, I don’t know that I can take a lengthy spanking vs a swift and severe one. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Even my last adult discipline spanking was very severe but was over quickly.  I see the need for the red, yellow, green light in that instance but again I fear I would use it to gain back the control I actually need to lose. 

 

Yes, great points. The subject of safe words is ubiquitous in any spanking discussion forum I've seen, and the dominant opinion is usually that there is no other way to be safe, or that it's not possible for a consenting adult to relinquish control. Whatever they want for themselves is fine, but they apparently don't understand the need for giving up control. I have no trouble at all understanding that for some EEs, punishment doesn't come with a safe word. Safety must be inherent in the relationship itself, which is how safe punishment in the real world has existed for centuries.

 

[JennyOTK]

Just now, danadares said:

Safety must be inherent in the relationship itself,

This. Completely this.  If I can’t trust the person spanking me for discipline, then there is a snowball’s chance I could submit anyway. I need the trust between myself and my ER to be complete. With that, I don’t believe I need a safe word. 

[spnkswtch]

15 minutes ago, jennyjen said:

This. Completely this.  If I can’t trust the person spanking me for discipline, then there is a snowball’s chance I could submit anyway. I need the trust between myself and my ER to be complete. With that, I don’t believe I need a safe word. 

When it comes to receiving discipline, I never use a safe word.  There were no safe words when I received the strap from mom.  Instead, I build a great deal of trust into the person who is disciplining me.  This doesn’t happen overnight.  When I first meet a person, we haven’t built the trust for me to take a discipline strapping and/or caning from them.  It times to develop trust and I do that with non-discipline spankings and a lot of conversation.

When I discipline someone, the same rules are in place.  If a person who, when we first meet, wants to be disciplined, I won’t do it.  There are very good non-discipline spankings which will provide the results with enforcing safe words.

[Needing correction!]

Conventional wisdom suggests that a safe word is essential. As such I'd recommend one.

 

However I'm caned for purely punishment or discipline (which are different), in a manner that is brief but painful. As suggested above, it resonates with my teen years so is a combination of being unpleasant but reassuring.

 

A set number of strokes is administered for each offence.... usually six or twelve. 

 

It REALLY stings. But no safe word is necessary. It would give me control and obviate the purpose of the swishing.

 

So although I recommend a safe word, I'd never use one. But for erotic spanking it might be different. 

[Zhal]

3 hours ago, jennyjen said:

If I’m being spanked for discipline, I truly don’t want a safe word. I know myself well enough to say I’d use it just to manipulate and be in control, which negates the entire purpose for me of a discipline spanking. 

I'm glad you bring this up. A while back, I had to deny a spankee my services because she actually wanted me to ignore her safe word because she said she'd use it when she didn't actually mean it. Based on that, I decided it was best for her own safety if I did not meet and spank her.

[OhRedhead]

I have the opposite problem - a hard time USING my safe word. Working on that with the help of my partner.

[JennyOTK]

3 hours ago, Zhal said:

I'm glad you bring this up. A while back, I had to deny a spankee my services because she actually wanted me to ignore her safe word because she said she'd use it when she didn't actually mean it. Based on that, I decided it was best for her own safety if I did not meet and spank her.

I would completely agree with you and believe that’s the right call. However, I wouldn’t let just anyone spank me, particularly for discipline, so I’d never go into it without a safe word unless I felt absolutely safe with that person. 
 

 

[MrBottoms]

In a disciplinary setting, the best safe-word I've ever found is to Pay Close Attention to what's going on [physical & verbal cues] from beginning to end, and even after that.  After all, it is quite possible that someone in distress just might not be able to use the appropriate safe-word. If it's other than disciplinary, then Go-for-It. 

Edited November 29, 2022 by MrBottoms

[underpants]

On 11/28/2022 at 7:46 PM, Spankingmyhuby said:

Topping from the bottom is not acceptable in our marriage. My husband does not have a choice how I will spank. It not like going to McDonald's and ordering a hamburger.

A woman we met who is in a female led marriage said very much the same thing. She first started spanking her husband at his request as erotic play. She soon moved on to disciplinary spanking however and she said the most important difference is that she now decides when and how she will spank him. He does not have any choice in the matter. When she gives the word, he has to lower his pants and underpants and bend over at once. They do not have a safe word, this is not a problem as she does not approve of brutal disciplinary methods and uses only a hairbrush when she spanks him.

[dre4mgirl]

I think for us in the beginning it was really discovering what would warrant the need for a safe word. And we had to set some kind of protocol that I would not use it to manipulate a genuine disciplinary spanking.

What we came up with is that I am allowed to use it when it causes me physical distress because of the position, like when the position hurts me, I have a cramp in my leg or when something is completely wrong outside the spanking that is taking place. I have only needed to use it once because a well used implement suddenly started breaking apart during a spanking and there were pieces cutting me. My husband immediately stopped and checked the skin. He grabbed another implement to continue but I felt secure and safe in the knowledge that even though it has been a while since we discussed this, the moment I used it, he stopped.

but when it comes to a disciplinary spanking, my husband just reads my body language and keeps checking me. He gives hard spankings but never too far. 

[MikeTN]

This may be unpopular but I don't use safe words with disciplinary spankings.  I'm pretty good at reading people when I'm disciplining them and we usually have a prior understanding that disciplinary spankings are for punishment purposes so they're meant to be long, painful and make you feel helpless.

 

When I'm being spanked, I refuse to have a safe word.  I won't be spanked by someone I don't trust and if I trust you enough to let you discipline me...I want to be utterly helpless and at your mercy with no way out but to accept whatever you feel is needed.

[Spankingmyhuby]

On 12/1/2022 at 8:40 AM, underpants said:

A woman we met who is in a female led marriage said very much the same thing. She first started spanking her husband at his request as erotic play. She soon moved on to disciplinary spanking however and she said the most important difference is that she now decides when and how she will spank him. He does not have any choice in the matter. When she gives the word, he has to lower his pants and underpants and bend over at once. They do not have a safe word, this is not a problem as she does not approve of brutal disciplinary methods and uses only a hairbrush when she spanks him.

Nice that you ran into another women who is in female led marriage.There are more of us out there then you think.

Yes using brutal disciplinary methods is not needed and a good over the knee correction with hairbrush is a good deterrent for punishing her man .

Hope your partner is feeling better and I hope she gave your partner some ideas on handling you. Maybe your partner will decide to take more control in your relationship. 

Happy Holidays!

MS L. 

[underpants]

What I find interesting with this couple is that the woman does not use severe disciplinary methods, she seems to keep her husband in line more through the strength of her personality. She said sometimes when she is displeased with him, she just gives him a few swats on his bottom with the flat of her hand as a warning, and this is often effective, although it is of course not very painful.

[Spankingmyhuby]

On 12/6/2022 at 2:53 AM, underpants said:

What I find interesting with this couple is that the woman does not use severe disciplinary methods, she seems to keep her husband in line more through the strength of her personality. She said sometimes when she is displeased with him, she just gives him a few swats on his bottom with the flat of her hand as a warning, and this is often effective, although it is of course not very painful.

You brought up a some very good points. The strength of your friends personality is very important in controlling her man. The physical aspect is not always the most important area in controlling a relationship. 

I personally do like being in control and my husband wants me to lead. I don't do it with my physical presence but my strict in control manner.

Like your friend I believe that a spanking with the hand is quite effective physically and physiologically, a implement is also needed to make a boy/man a better husband.

MS L.

[Submissive Danny]

We have a female led relationship in our home and there is no such thing as a safe word. My wife seems to know when I've had enough and learned my lesson. If it were up to me I would stop the spanking long before she does. My wife seems to know by my actions. When she starts spanking me I yelp and promise to be good. She ignore me and continues spanking and scolding. When I get to the point where I begin to cry and lay still she knows I feel remorse and a few nor whacks later she will end the spanking.