Why???

[zoominglady]

I've reluctantly come out of the closet thanks to spanko friends on another site.  It's only in the past 10 years I've had online mentors off and on.

I wish it wasn't helpful.  Like, I'm a grown woman.  Yes I have ADHD, so it makes some  parts of responsible adulting harder.   But, like...WHY do I need spanking accountability?  What do I lack to not be able to be self accountable?

 

Is this just being a spanko?  Do I just  accept that " if it helps, it helps?" And treat it as another "tool" to be successful???

 

 

[Spanknutt]

I think there may be a number of reasons why people seek this out. 

1. Some people are not as organized as others and if you are not organized it is more difficult to manage your life. I have helped people set clear goals, with a schedule, and helped them stay focused when necessary using both positive and negative (spanking) rewards.

2. Adulting is not always easy and some people just like to have someone else in the ring swinging with them.

3. Some people are naturally submissive and feel more "whole" when they have someone to help direct them.

4. There is an element of sexuality associated with spanking that some people crave. It might be just as effective for your mentor to take your phone away for a few days, but we choose spanking as our preferred "consequences" when they are required.

5. Some of us just have a fascination with spanking that is part of our make-up and it will never go away.

I'm sure others have their own reasons, but these are things I have observed over the years.

"What do I lack to not be able to be self accountable?"  You are certainly not alone. Many people have a lot going on in their heads and it makes it difficult for them to break things down into small enough pieces to accomplish them. Once someone gets overwhelmed, getting motivated to do something about it becomes increasingly difficult and they don't know where to start.

Example - I have a friend who let her house get totally out of control. Every room was a disaster and she asked me to come over and help her get it cleaned up. I told her it's pretty simple - we start in a corner of the garage and work our way out. What she wanted to keep, what she wanted to donate, and what went out to the curb. then we moved to the next room. Two days later, the house was spotless and she has kept it that way ever since. But there was no way for her to see her way through the clutter t get started. Although we were spanking partners, no spanking was required for this, just someone to help her compartmentalize things. I don't know you, so I don't know if helps answer your question.

 

 

[zoominglady]

I think it's a combination of some of those. I was raised to be very strong, stubborn and independent to a fault.  I work in a "helping" field, so I am constantly making sure others needs are met.     I just feel like a lame adult for needing the accountability.  (note: I don't "like" being in trouble, obviously.)   Are you suggesting I'm not?    And it's ok to have someone "step in"  rather than keep spiraling?

[Spanknutt]

4 minutes ago, zoominglady said:

I think it's a combination of some of those. I was raised to be very strong, stubborn and independent to a fault.  I work in a "helping" field, so I am constantly making sure others needs are met.     I just feel like a lame adult for needing the accountability.  (note: I don't "like" being in trouble, obviously.)   Are you suggesting I'm not?    And it's ok to have someone "step in"  rather than keep spiraling?

Of course it's ok. Some people go to therapists for help. We just do a different kind of "therapy." Now, I'm not suggesting that having a spanking mentor is a replacement for therapy for people who need that, but I think you know what I mean. Also, many women working in fields where they have to be "in control" all day want to hand the reins over to someone else when they get home. That is not unusual at all.

[zoominglady]

 Just wish I could manage my bad habits alone and not need someone to step in like I am some little kid.      I judge myself for needing help to hold it all together, especially this kind of help.  How do I stop?

[rubyredd]

2 hours ago, zoominglady said:

 But, like...WHY do I need spanking accountability?  What do I lack to not be able to be self accountable?

Is this just being a spanko?  Do I just  accept that " if it helps, it helps?" And treat it as another "tool" to be successful???

I am very self-disciplined and good at holding myself accountable... yet I still want to be accountable to someone else in a disciplinary dynamic. Accountability is important to me and it helps relieve some of the stress when I have someone to help me with that. I don't need that dynamic - I want it. It may be that you are not lacking in something, but that spanking fills another type of need - to be cared for and guided, to feel more secure within set boundaries, to have expectations to meet. 

If you are a spanko, then the sooner you accept yourself completely, the easier it will be to recognize your needs and desires. I love all types of spanking - erotic, roleplaying, discipline, funishment, stress relief, just because. I am also an athlete and like to keep myself fit and healthy; accountability-based discipline is a tool that helps me meet those goals.

[zoominglady]

So, if it helps, it helps?   It's just another tool?   And if it means using a tool on my own  bare butt when someone deems it needed, then that's what it means?

[SkipNC]

For me, as a dormant epileptic, spanking is a means of "clearing the brain."  What I feel after a good session, top or bottom, is the same as I felt after a seizure but without the distress.  Now that does not mean I can skip my medication or regular trips to the doctor for blood work and a general check-up but, yes, it is just another tool to be used in the right circumstances.

[OhRedhead]

2 hours ago, zoominglady said:

I've reluctantly come out of the closet thanks to spanko friends on another site.  It's only in the past 10 years I've had online mentors off and on.

I wish it wasn't helpful.  Like, I'm a grown woman.  Yes I have ADHD, so it makes some  parts of responsible adulting harder.   But, like...WHY do I need spanking accountability?  What do I lack to not be able to be self accountable?

 

Is this just being a spanko?  Do I just  accept that " if it helps, it helps?" And treat it as another "tool" to be successful???

 

 

I have asked myself these identical questions many times since I decided to stop repressing all this about 3 years ago.

I think Spanknutt and Ruby have pretty much covered the answers I have come up with. I have incredibly high standards for myself, including self-control, and often over-perform, overdo things. When I let myself down, I feel a lot of guilt. I am in charge all the time in my daily life. I take care of everyone around me. Accountability, realistic boundaries and standards, and catharsis (being able to truly let go) help me feel more at peace and happier. A partner who is trustworthy and who cares deeply about me makes a big difference in my life.

[zoominglady]

Do you too, worry more about others needs than yours, and even though you feel guilty, need to just push every boundary in your personal life?

[OhRedhead]

If you were as

1 hour ago, zoominglady said:

Do you too, worry more about others needs than yours, and even though you feel guilty, need to just push every boundary in your personal life?

If you were asking me, I definitely worry more about others than myself, which can lead me to neglect things like drinking enough water, getting enough sleep. I also procrastinate about things that are related to personal goals when I am busy with everyone else.

I'm am not sure what you mean about pushing boundaries in my personal life.

[NaturesSpanko]

So here's the thing: every adult struggles with self-discipline, motivation, and accountability at different times, in one way or another, everyone. I don't care how successful someone might seem, they're still not perfect with self-discipline. The difference between us and the rest of the population is we are really into spanking, so naturally we're going to think of that as one of the very first things to try to get more control of ourselves and our lives. It's not really that different, though, from vanilla people who use other methods to try to accomplish the same end. Yah, wanting disciplinary spankings is unusual among the general population, but there's nothing wrong with being different and wanting what you want. So long as it's safe and consensual, I wholeheartedly support bringing one's dreams into reality. Besides, externalizing some of the internal pressure and getting the support of accountability can really make life easier.

[zoominglady]

Fair, and for those of us with ADHD, some things are extra hard.  I just wish spankings didn't help, I guess. Cuz I feel like a lame little kid when they are deemed necessary.  My mentor is also a friend and respects my limits and the practical  limits of online mentorship  of a single woman.  So from all I know, I judge it healthy.  I just wish it didn't help.  I hate needing any kind of help.  Fucking despise it.  ( Yes, I have a mouth on me...)

[NaturesSpanko]

zoominglady, it sounds to me like you’re judging yourself. Perhaps the issue here is self-judgment rather than the fact that you need or want spanking? You compared yourself to “a lame little kid.” If someone called me that, they’d be out of my life in a heartbeat. I don’t put up with other people putting me down, and you don’t have to put up with the voice in your head putting you down either. It’s a sign that you might have negative beliefs about yourself. But the good thing about negative beliefs is they can be changed. I have some personal experience with this, as I used to believe that I was worthless. I came from an abusive home and believed that those things happened because something was wrong with me, rather than understanding that it was my parents who were the ones with serious problems.

Self-judgment can be reversed through learning self-acceptance and through really getting to know yourself better inside… your emotional and physical needs, etc. It’s an involved process, but the work and the time is worth it. I never knew true happiness or what I really wanted to do with my life until I began to accept and support myself on a deep level. I wish that our modern culture was better able to teach people to have a healthy relationship with themselves, but I suppose we humans must muddle through with the cards we’ve been handed and grow from there.

[zoominglady]

34 minutes ago, NaturesSpanko said:

zoominglady, it sounds to me like you’re judging yourself. Perhaps the issue here is self-judgment rather than the fact that you need or want spanking? You compared yourself to “a lame little kid.” If someone called me that, they’d be out of my life in a heartbeat. I don’t put up with other people putting me down, and you don’t have to put up with the voice in your head putting you down either. It’s a sign that you might have negative beliefs about yourself. But the good thing about negative beliefs is they can be changed. I have some personal experience with this, as I used to believe that I was worthless. I came from an abusive home and believed that those things happened because something was wrong with me, rather than understanding that it was my parents who were the ones with serious problems.

Self-judgment can be reversed through learning self-acceptance and through really getting to know yourself better inside… your emotional and physical needs, etc. It’s an involved process, but the work and the time is worth it. I never knew true happiness or what I really wanted to do with my life until I began to accept and support myself on a deep level. I wish that our modern culture was better able to teach people to have a healthy relationship with themselves, but I suppose we humans must muddle through with the cards we’ve been handed and grow from there.

I  do have emotional issues.  I am getting professional help.  But the spanko thing doesn't help.   That part of me is hard for me to accept.   I'm trying to  find a way to accept it and that mentoring helps is all.  I utterly despise needing help.  (If you tell me everyone needs help, you are going to see my big mouthed snarky side come out.  No apologies.)

[NaturesSpanko]

The fact that you have that snarky side is a good sign. It means you have a sense of self-preservation. My inner rebel kept me alive in the face of soul-crushing circumstances. I support that. And I’m glad that you’re going to a therapist. I am not a therapist, so please keep that in mind. I only have my own life experience and research to draw from.

More than once, I’ve noticed you repeat the phrase, “I despise needing help.” It sounds like you feel pretty strongly about that. Why? Why do you despise needing help? What do you believe about people who need help? And where does that come from? Was there someone in your past who told you that or showed you that through their example? What would happen if you were okay with accepting help? What will happen if you never accept help, or fight it the rest of your life? How has despising needing help been working out for you? Does someone needing help really deserve to be despised for that? And why?

You don’t need to respond to these questions on here. I’m just presenting them as something to think about, journal about, or discuss with someone you trust or your therapist. Your choice. A good way to start breaking through limitations is to start questioning them instead of just accepting them.

[SpankingBanker]

The entire start of my spanking "hobby" started when a girlfriend in college turned to me after seeing a spanking scene in a movie and asked me to spank her.  She had anxiety issues that could become physically ailing at times.  She would also skip classes and not do her schoolwork ontime.  At the time I thought it was sexual, but then I studied a little bit about her issues and we developed an accountability plan and schedule.  After a few months she and I both realized that her anxiety had all but vanished, she was going to classes and completing her work, and overall much more free and happy.  The bi weekly spankings WORKED!  We did not know the scientific reason why.  She had tried meds for it before but those all had side effects.  We just just accepted the solution we had  discovered and developed and stuck to it until even after we broke up as a couple.  

I guess the point is that you have proven it works for you so stick to it.  It's better than being miserable or reliant on medications.

I have personally observed in my own spankees that spanking programs improve mental health, weight loss, disorganization, intrusive thoughts, chemical reliance, self harming, and more.  I'm no doctor or scientist so I cannot explain it but I would be happy to assist with any scientific studies.

@Zoominglady, congratulations on finding a solution to your issues!  Accept that the spankings are helping you and enjoy your life. 🙂

[AmariDivine]

You don't lack anything. No one lacks anything to be successful, to be held accountable, to be happy, to be absolutely anything. We all have it within ourselves to truly be anything we want to be and accomplish anything we set out mind on. But, as humans, we are not meant to be alone. We need support, guidance, love, laughter, friendship, and all those things motivate us to become better. Human interaction amplifies our motives and pushes us to be even better because it is far more pleasurable to do something with someone than it is on our own even if it a good smack on the bottom or a scolding or a warm embrace. Everyone is motivated in their own way and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that or lacking within us. At least that would be my take on the question why some may need spanking or anything really... 

 

 

[danadares]

Putting yourself in a position where you admit your failures, and submit to the judgment of another person, is a state of extreme vulnerability. This is a major attraction for many who seek spanking discipline but, for others, it can be the reason they hate it. One of the reasons I have no adult experience of it is that this vulnerability is a scary prospect. I don't have the answer, but I think ultimately you must decide if it's worth the emotional pain you're suffering. And if you are not able to be self accountable, are their ways of dealing with your issues that create more durable solutions than a spanking can provide?

[zoominglady]

Not sure if I should start a new thread, but I appreciate everyone's help.  I've been struggling a bit to do what I need to to be the best me, and I was not wanting to admit I needed to let my mentor in on it for some  extra help if you will.  Please understand, I have a great relationship with him.  I was just mad at myself for  backsliding. 

I feel better in some ways, worse in others hahaha *wink*.   I guess I need to focus on myself more till I am stable again, even if my butt may not appreciate it.   (This is not my only tool.  I have meds, and am a martial artist. )

 

 

[Newredbottom]

Not being argumentative but is it really such a bad thing that a spanking Helps?  

[Pgh-mature-male]

Perhaps it happens to be a simple and effective path to gaining a bit of peace.

[YannaBobanna]

On 11/19/2022 at 9:18 AM, zoominglady said:

I was raised to be very strong, stubborn and independent to a fault.  I work in a "helping" field, so I am constantly making sure others needs are met. 

I suspect that is true of a lot of us spankees. It's frustrating, I can make and carry out plans on behalf of other people, but it's so hard to use those skills and aptitudes for myself. I think it's some combination of,

It's just me, so what? other people's needs matter, but not mine.

I'm tougher/smarter/more resilient than normies. I don't need anyone to take care of me, even me.

It's not fair that, after all the time and effort I spend on others, I should have to spend any more time on my own disagreeable chores. I deserve to sit in front of the tv and eat ice cream.

And, I have to admit, I'm a spanko. I don't want to be struck on any other part of my body, or face other punishments. But spanking gives me a ritual context where I can let my guard down and admit that I want help. After one of my first cathartic spankings, I thought, it hurt so much I forgot to be ashamed of myself.

[MadM]

I'm also grappling with this. I have ADHD, and that plus being a spankee means that this kind of external accountability is sometimes the best way to get things done. I guess I've tried to look at it this way: we all need something, and our wiring probably won't change, so we can either hate it or embrace it. It would be easier if we didn't have ADHD, but that's a moot point, like an amputee wishing not to be an amputee. She is, regardless. She has a choice of whether to use the prosthetic leg or not, however. If she does, and she embraces it, she's more likely to be her best self, and to gain confidence and improve the things she wishes to improve. I guess spanking is kind of our prosthetic leg. It's sometimes a nuisance to be this way, but discipline, structure, love, (platonic or otherwise) and accountability are resources that can help us to succeed.

[zoominglady]

I like your logic.  I have ADHD as well,  and while not an amputee, I do have a physical disability and use crutches.    Thanks for making sense.  You likely won't reply, as its been ages since you posted that, but I'd like to chat more.