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Resources for Vanilla SOs?


Vanilla

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Hey all. My first post here went pretty well so I thought I’d try again. Thanks for allowing me to share this space even if I don’t really belong. 
 

To catch you up, I have a (F) spanko SO who wants disciplinary spankings from another woman, but absolutely doesn’t want that woman to be me. (She also has other requirements like that they’re a similar age and that they vibe etc). I am having a really hard time with this. I’m scared. I don’t want to lose her to something that she maintains I absolutely cannot understand no matter how hard I try. I’m trying to figure out how to change my feelings around so that I can allow her this thing she needs, but I just feel so much anxiety about it. I’m scared of her getting further and further into a community that she doesn’t want me to join. 
 

Do you know of any resources, support groups, forums for vanilla partners of spankos? Do you have a vanilla partner who might identify or whose experience you might be able to give me a perspective from? Thanks in advance for any time you give. I just want her to be happy. But not at the expense of my own happiness. 

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Hi 😊 

I wouldn’t say you don’t belong. Sure, maybe you aren’t into spanking in quite the way your SO is doesn’t mean you can’t be a part of a community that may be able to help you better understand her need or offe support and advice. 
 

I can’t offer any resources really, other than myself. If you have questions or want to talk, I’ll gladly do my best to help and will certainly listen. 
 

I understand how this can be scary for you. Yes, a discipline relationship can be an intimate one but that does not mean it will be sexual or even ever lead to that. It’s intimate because you’re sharing the “worst” of yourself with someone in the hopes of helping to correct it. I’ve found that while a vanilla SO may be willing to try to be that person, it isn’t always the most desirable for either the vanilla or the spanko. I suspect your SO wants to keep that part separate, not to hide it from you, but because what she needs from a disciplinarian may be more than you could comfortably deliver. Plus, accountability to a person, particularly someone you’re in a relationship with, can tread a fine line into resentment.  It’s easier to be accountable to someone whose life is separate from yours because those feelings of “unfairness” or “imbalance” don’t as easily come into play. 
 

I think the biggest question you need to ask yourself is: do you trust her? Ultimately everything else falls into place from that answer. 

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I agree with the comment about trust. I know married couples where one partner is not into spanking but allows the other to go outside of the marriage to get what they need. If she has a need and you get in the way, if could create resentment and drive a wedge into your relationship. It starts with great communication and then take it from there.

To answer your question, I do not know of any support groups for this, however there may be something similar on Fetlife - there are thousands of groups there.

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16 hours ago, Vanilla said:

Hey all. My first post here went pretty well so I thought I’d try again. Thanks for allowing me to share this space even if I don’t really belong. 
 

To catch you up, I have a (F) spanko SO who wants disciplinary spankings from another woman, but absolutely doesn’t want that woman to be me. (She also has other requirements like that they’re a similar age and that they vibe etc). I am having a really hard time with this. I’m scared. I don’t want to lose her to something that she maintains I absolutely cannot understand no matter how hard I try. I’m trying to figure out how to change my feelings around so that I can allow her this thing she needs, but I just feel so much anxiety about it. I’m scared of her getting further and further into a community that she doesn’t want me to join. 
 

Do you know of any resources, support groups, forums for vanilla partners of spankos? Do you have a vanilla partner who might identify or whose experience you might be able to give me a perspective from? Thanks in advance for any time you give. I just want her to be happy. But not at the expense of my own happiness. 

Here are my thoughts after several decades of experience as a disciplinarian.  It's actually not uncommon for one partner in a romantic relationship to be interested in participating in any given sort of activity outside the relationship, without necessarily wanting the other partner to be involved in it.  This could be anything at all and does not only relate to spanking activities.  It can work out very successfully provided that you are able to trust her to do what she says she intends to do, and are able to separate a desire to be spanked from a desire to have any sort of sexual or romantic interactions with the person(s) whom she wants to choose as her spanker(s).

 

What would you say and do if she wanted for example to take up skydiving, but you aren't interested in that and she is not asking you to take it up with her?  Same situation here, basically.  There are many very legitimate reasons why someone does not want their romantic partner to be the person spanking them, and it is in no way a negative reflection upon you as a person nor upon your relationship.  Some people simply do not want their romantic partner to be in that position of authority over them, and prefer to have such interactions with someone else who they only see for spankings. That allows the person being spanked to completely separate that activity from the rest of their life with their partner, and it does work if everyone involved is on the same page.

 

Over the years I have had a number of women who were sent to me to be spanked by their romantic partner, who for whatever reasons chose not to be the one doing the spankings.  I have also had a number of other women who chose me as their disciplinarian, after having received permission or consent from their partner to seek someone outside the relationship to help them with their wants, needs, and cravings in the realm of discipline and spanking. 

 

I think that if your relationship is strong, I would encourage you to be very understanding of her needs, since she is openly discussing it with you she is making it pretty clear that this isn't something she sees a need to hide or sneak around without your knowledge.  I know it may be difficult for you at first but if she is always trustworthy in other areas of your relationship, then you ought to seriously consider allowing her to seek someone that she feels is best suited to spanking her, and allow her to interact with that person with your full consent and encouragement.  Again, please keep in mind that none of this is a negative reflection on yourself, or on your relationship, and she is not trying to hide it from you. 

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Hang on a minute.  What sort of disciplinary spankings are we talking about here?  If these are real problems that need to be addressed, is she also talking with you about them (I don't need an answer)?  If not, I'd be bothered.  If it's fantasy or just "clearing the head," I'd be less bothered as long as there is open and honest communication.

As for resources, it's been years since I attended a party at Spanking Club of New York (it's a long trek from where we live now).  I do recall that there were a few vanillas there.  It seemed to be a safe space for them to allow their partners to indulge.  If your SO can be convinced, I see advantages:

1. She gets what she needs and you get to see what is going on.

2. If you fancy it, you can participate.  If your SO has a problem with that, think about why that might be and ask her to be sure.

3. A well-run party will allow you to explore, whether that is by spanking or just talking to a good mix of people.

I do hope you find what you are looking for.

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