Aspects of Embarrassment

[rubyredd]

Many spankos seem to enjoy aspects of embarrassment or humiliation as part of a spanking session or roleplay scene. Maybe "enjoy" isn't the right word - crave, desire, need...

I don't experience any real embarrassment during a spanking, but I really enjoy exposure. I like to be "on display" - which probably explains my interest in corner time and my preference for certain positions. I am not authentically ashamed, but I can pretend to be. 

I am curious about what others prefer in terms of embarrassment - whether authentic or not (as in my case). What aspects of a spanking session make you feel embarrassed?

On the discipline end of the spectrum, I find that a good scolding makes me feel more humbled than the actual spanking. While I am still not embarrassed, I might feel ashamed of my behavior or the circumstances behind the need for discipline.

In roleplay scenarios, there are many ways to create those feelings of embarrassment. If you enjoy roleplaying, what do you add to a scene to increase embarrassment? 

 

[Spanknutt]

This is a great topic for discussion. From the Top side, I have to say I don't get that excited about the exposure part. That might seem strange coming from a male, but sometimes less is more, unless I am in a sexual relationship with someone.

Most of the EEs I know are good with embarrassment, but not humiliation so much. A lot of Tops are into degrading people which is a different kind of humiliation. It may work for some, but it's not a part of my world.

[spnkswtch]

Being naked while having the strap taken to me when I needed it when I was a kid until I was almost 21 by my mom was always embarrassing.  It was meant to be part of a deterrent to breaking the rules in conjunction with the pain of the strap.  

When I was 23 in the late 70's my ex-wife needed to take over as we introduced discipline into our relationship.  She witnessed one of my discipline sessions from my mom when she was my girlfriend.  She saw how embarrassment played into my punishment and she introduced me to further embarrassment throughout the years.  From the start, she made me keep my genitals hairless so I would be "completely naked" for her.  In the 70's, there was no other guy I saw who was hairless down there.  After going to the gym and playing racquetball a couple times a week, I would take a shower and change in the locker room.  I was the only guy seen like that.  Later in our relationship, she took the strap to me while at her parents home.  I never knew if they saw it happen through the open door however I know they heard it.  She also introduced me to having to wear girls panties at times, all to embarrass me.  After our divorce, embarrassment morphed into the multiple people seeing me naked and spanked.  Starting out with a couple friends, to house parties, to clubs including CFnm events, to national parties, embarrassment has always seemed to play a part of my spanking experiences.

[Newredbottom]

For me Dress, ritual and routine combined with scolding really makes it

[rubyredd]

1 hour ago, Newredbottom said:

For me Dress, ritual and routine combined with scolding really makes it

What mode of dress  makes it most embarrassing? Could you share some of the rituals and routines that make a spanking more embarrassing? 

[rubyredd]

19 hours ago, Spanknutt said:

This is a great topic for discussion. From the Top side, I have to say I don't get that excited about the exposure part. That might seem strange coming from a male, but sometimes less is more, unless I am in a sexual relationship with someone.

Most of the EEs I know are good with embarrassment, but not humiliation so much. A lot of Tops are into degrading people which is a different kind of humiliation. It may work for some, but it's not a part of my world.

I have never really had a Top try to degrade or humiliate me, but that might be just the type of spanko that appeals to me. Something in their demeanor sets a ton of respectful Toppiness. That, to me, is a gift. 

I am a little surprised that exposure doesn't play a role for you. For me, exposure doesn't necessarily mean being bared or to have my girly bits exposed (how's that for mature, technical verbiage?)...it could be cornertime or being put into a specific position.

[rubyredd]

@spnkswtch- I can see where full nudity might enhance embarrassment in some relationships, though not within the context of a married couple or long-term sexual partners. I am a bit of an exhibitionist, though. 

One thing I really enjoyed about meeting with couples was knowing someone was watching me get spanked. That made it even more exciting. 

[OhRedhead]

I would never like being truly humiliated or degraded, but there is a level of humility around a disciplinary spanking that is driven by "topiness" like Ruby mentioned (or dominance or whatever similar word is preferred) from a trusted partner. Also like Ruby, I have to feel that respect to respond in the way I seem to need if it is a disciplinary context. Positioning, exposure (never complete in my case) and things like scolding, a commonly-used outfit for discipline, corner time, even asking for my spanking all contribute to the ritual and mindspace that makes such a spanking effective. Great question!

[SeatWarmer]

Nudity may not necessarily be an embarrassment factor, but how about being required to wear certain clothing?  I'm sure there must be some attire, even in private, that may not make you blush, but may make eye contact hard to maintain.

[danadares]

Embarrassment to me is part of the sting of the spanking experience. The ambition is that it stings real good. Either as an ER or from a voyeuristic perspective, I want her to find fulfillment in whatever shame or humility she feels, however, I don't enjoy scenes where she is degraded. The EE is attractive in her state of vulnerability, and so it only makes sense that she is respected. If she is being punished, discipline is to address her behavior. She should be ashamed of what she did or didn't do, not about who she is. In fact, despite the humbling nature of the experience for her, the respect I have for her is only stronger.

So if we want it, what makes us feel the good sting of embarrassment? It might not be the same for her as what I imagine is good, so it takes knowing my partner. The worst thing would be to say something, or impose a ritual on her that, for whatever reason, only makes her want to disconnect from the experience. For example, exposure that enhances feelings of vulnerability in the context of discipline is exciting to me. It's not about sexual exposure to me, but it may be that to her and, as such, detracts from the disciplinary tone. Corner time with bare bottom exposed is an appealing image because of what the position represents and should feel like, but if she isn't embarrassed by it, then it's probably just boring for both of us. Scolding is essential in order to articulate why punishment is required. Understanding the problem so as to fix it is the point, but how should the one in trouble be made to feel ashamed of their behavior? I prefer a parental kind of tone demonstrating an authority relationship that is humbling to an adult spankee, but the connection there has to fit on both sides of the dynamic.

Thinking of what I like to imagine from either side of the spanking, a creative disciplinarian who understands the traditional rituals of discipline I grew up with and around is what appeals to me. It's usually the most typical domestic language and methods that add the right flavors of embarrassment. With regard to my kink, not to sex in general, the more it feels like or resembles BDSM, the less compelling.

 

[SCearth]

One of my favorite things to do to increase the mental effect or embarrassment of a spanking is to begin the spanking in one part of the house and then walk (or march) the EE to another location to continue the spanking.

 

Example, when I play at my house, I'll start the spanking usually OTK in the Den, comfortable couch for supported OTK. Then I'll make the spankee stand up and walk, pants/underwear down- to the other side of the house to the master bedroom- where I have a walk-in closet.

 

The walk-in is where I keep my “cute little deer” paddle. I'll of course be saying that “you're going to be taken to the closet for a paddling....” This delay, the long walk (bare bottom), and the anticipation of the upcoming paddling really increases the mind-fuck ( I hate that term but it does explain it).

 

There is something about the ritual of being taken to a particular place for a spanking that makes it so much more... intense? Is that the right word?.

 

Then after the paddling in the closet, some corner-time in the entry hall near the front door- even though nobody is expected to come knocking..... There is a chance.... and the glass panels on either side of the front door- give the illusion of exposure- (while still being private)...

From there, the kitchen is near, I'll pull a dining room chair out and sit on it- and send the spankee to get a wooden spoon and bring it to me... all the walking and having to participate also increases the mental aspect...

[Spanknutt]

6 hours ago, rubyredd said:

I have never really had a Top try to degrade or humiliate me, but that might be just the type of spanko that appeals to me. Something in their demeanor sets a ton of respectful Toppiness. That, to me, is a gift. 

I am a little surprised that exposure doesn't play a role for you. For me, exposure doesn't necessarily mean being bared or to have my girly bits exposed (how's that for mature, technical verbiage?)...it could be cornertime or being put into a specific position.

Fair enough, but exposure to me normally means spread and visible. We see it all the time here, people who want to expose their genitals in the name of spanking. Fortunately, for you and other members, I hide  that stuff when I see it because it doesn't conform to site rules. There are plenty of porn sites out there for those who want to see crotches on parade. Corner time is a different story.

[brittygirl]

I am also not embarrassed nor have ever felt humiliated during spankings and being naked is a totally normal aspect of our sex life so that doesn’t embarrass me either, but I will say that my husband really prefers a certain position when spanking me that exposes other parts to him and I find it incredibly thrilling to act as though it humiliates me. It’s definitely a roleplay type scenario though.

[nicoleS39]

For me....it is really not "embarassing" to be exposed or bared by my husband and be "seen" by his eyes. Lol...he has certainly seen all there is to be "seen" of me, and I am genuinely pleased to be his woman, serving as his servant wife in all ways. As I have shared, I was a whore in my early adult days, and by that I mean "prostitute" and dancer....and I did truly "like" being such. So...stripping or "being stripped" is something, I admit, that I enjoy. Now, please understand, I no longer am this person to "men" in general, but I am in this sense my dear husband's "whore", and only his, now and hopefully the rest of our days. Lol...I guess I am saying it is "hard" to embarass a "whore" like me...lol.

All that being said about the impact of "exposure" for me, I will say I find being disciplined, spanked, punished..."humbling." Not humiliating, but often very "humbling." I am humbled by the straight forward "awareness" my husband as dominant brings to my understanding of who I am. I am humbled when his tone and strength and consistent discipline helps me realize that....I really "did",  for instance, behave irresponsibly, or, I did, for instance, shirk a responsibility or not live up to my word or lashed out in destructive anger. Those...are just examples. I hope you see my point, I am trying to explain this, but struggling. He "humbles" me, by baring my soul. 

Yes, my husband often does ha e me..."bare your breasts, woman"....or...."stand at attention" naked or near naked for his reprimands military style, or ..."git those. panties down, woman,"....or..."git in that corner'"....or...."on your knees, now...arms folded behind your back...tits out,"....He is very "into" that and has many ways in which I am physically humbled in submission before his eyes...but the most significant aspect of all that is he "humbles" my attitude and heart to his caring and strong and firm love for me...enough to lay my soul bare to my agreed upon unacceptable behaviors and attitudes and performance. I am not good at facing these things on my own, and I value highly his help in humbling me, and then helping me learn and move on from the learning and awareness.

[rubyredd]

11 hours ago, SeatWarmer said:

Nudity may not necessarily be an embarrassment factor, but how about being required to wear certain clothing?  I'm sure there must be some attire, even in private, that may not make you blush, but may make eye contact hard to maintain.

Yes, I think you are correct. One of the things we have discussed in chat is using a pacifier (or other clothing / items associated with littles). I do think that would make me blush and feel genuinely embarrassed - since I am not a little and I don't age-regress. I would be open to trying it out to see the effects, though - as it is not a hard limit. Even certain types of jammies would be effective, I think.

[rubyredd]

3 hours ago, brittygirl said:

I am also not embarrassed nor have ever felt humiliated during spankings and being naked is a totally normal aspect of our sex life so that doesn’t embarrass me either, but I will say that my husband really prefers a certain position when spanking me that exposes other parts to him and I find it incredibly thrilling to act as though it humiliates me. It’s definitely a roleplay type scenario though.

That explains how I feel exactly!

[spnkswtch]

15 hours ago, rubyredd said:

@spnkswtch- I can see where full nudity might enhance embarrassment in some relationships, though not within the context of a married couple or long-term sexual partners. I am a bit of an exhibitionist, though. 

One thing I really enjoyed about meeting with couples was knowing someone was watching me get spanked. That made it even more exciting. 

I totally agree.  Once I’ve been with someone for a few times, my embarrassment fades away.  I too am somewhat of an exhibitionist after I get comfortable.  I’m often naked around the house and I’ve been to nude beaches and parks several times.

[Pgh-mature-male]

48 minutes ago, spnkswtch said:

I totally agree.  Once I’ve been with someone for a few times, my embarrassment fades away.  I too am somewhat of an exhibitionist after I get comfortable.  I’m often naked around the house and I’ve been to nude beaches and parks several times.

Certainly understandable, and I encourage all Top, to focus their attention to what does their partners want and need from the experience. My humble travels have reinforced not to underestimate the impact of:

• scolding….. directing your comments to points that your partner has been so thoughtful to share

• staging……. take the time and demonstrate your respect for your partner’s needs by setting the time-place-scenario that will fulfill their desires.

• reflection time…… do not rush the experience for your partner, allow her to get what she needs. Pause and inject additional scolding, change locations, send her and invite her to bring you an implement, and read her body language ensuring you meet her objective.

Great topic, thank you 

[Chastener]

I've said a million times before, and I'll say it again: The feeling of embarrassment or humiliation (never degradation) is the fundamental element of discipline.  Exposure (either full or partial) is a part of this, but the scolding  -which I like to do as a series of rhetorical questions- is another crucial segment.  And for those who haven't read my (innumerable and boring) posts, the sting on a woman's behind will fade; her feelings of embarrassment for her conduct and for submitting to discipline will last, well, forever.

[Newredbottom]

21 hours ago, rubyredd said:

What mode of dress  makes it most embarrassing? Could you share some of the rituals and routines that make a spanking more embarrassing? 

When she decided that yes domestic discipline was a good thing for our relationship she set some very clear boundaries and consequences which we wrote down in our as she calls it my Punishment journal.
 

Additionally we went shopping for new underwear for me.  While to the casual observer it would have seemed like nothing out of the ordinary, there was a lot of oh what do you think about these, or aren’t these cute? What do you think?  since we are both about the same size no one would have thought it was anything more than my wife doing a little shopping.  While we are both into some kinky things , but exposing unsuspecting people to our kinks is not something we do.  For us it’s not right to since we feel like someone needs to consent to taking part in our antics.  Even if it’s just observing something. 

On the way home we had a discussion about being made to wear panties for my spanking while I really do not care for it I did agree to it and it, and she seems to enjoy it.  
 

So know when it’s time she sternly scolds me and basically orders me to get ready, which consist of me taking a shower, changing, bringing her the paddle and Journal.

She will go over everything she has written down for the week, and ask me if I am proud of myself?  She will ask me what I think needs to happen with out wanting an answer, Then she will scold and firmly state why I am about to get punished and order me into the corner.  After about 5 minutes she will ask me where I need to be again not wanting an answer.

Then she will paddle and scold 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ReformedEE]

No aspect of a spanking is embarrassing to me.  I never cried until my last spanker got a hold of me, and with her it just came naturally.  Before that it was something I wouldn’t share with anyone, but not sure if that was due to embarrassment or something else?

[justbecause]

I'm not into humiliation and I don't recall feeling particularly embarrassed during a spanking, except when one put me in the "diaper" position, which I felt was an excuse to expose my genitals.  Yeah, not a fan and would not do again.  I don't know, I'm a spanking purist. LOL  I just want to be spanked.  I don't need mind games or to feel punished.  I do enjoy some role play, but mostly I'm in it for the spanking alone and that's it.

[Summer]

As someone who went through psychological abuse in a previous vanilla relationship, it would not feel safe or loving to me for my future HOH to purposely add things to embarrass/humiliate/degrade me. I will not be embarrassed by nudity or having to follow commands. Nor will a scolding/lecture, if done in a manner that speaks to the behavior itself, embarrass me. 
 

The scolding/lecture and the spanking itself will be enough to bring about humility in a healthy way, remorse for the behavior, and feeling like the slate is clean. 
 

While I don’t understand other people’s need to add embarrassment or humiliation, and sometimes reading some posts make me cringe, I do understand that it’s a need for some people and find it interesting as part of the varied culture of the spanko world. 

[needsdirection]

This is a great question.  I'm definitely a combination of both thoroughly embarrassed and humbled by spanking.  But I'm not embarrassed in a way that's psychologically harmful, if that makes sense. There is an understanding by the spanker that spankings are inherently very embarrassing for me. As such, embarrassment will be intentionally used as a deterent.  But I know the embarrassment is temporary, it's being used in a safe place with someone I trust, and that there's not going to be any judgment from the spanker.

But one thing I've always found interesting is how much context matters in terms of feeling exposed and becoming embarrassed.  For instance, when I'm disrobing in front of a partner for a strictly sexual encounter, I really don't feel vulnerable, shy, or embarrassed whatsoever.  I think it's because we're both going to disrobe, we're both going to see each other naked, and we're pretty much on the same playing field.  

But during a spanking encounter, I'm overcome by feelings of vulnerability, shyness,  self-consciousness, modesty, and feelings of being exposed. The fact that the spanker is fully clothed really enhances those feelings.  I think it might be partly due to the element of power/control.  For instance, I'm now being placed in an unfair disadvantage.  I'm the only one who is disrobed, she can fully stare at and ogle me as much as she likes, but I can't do the same thing to her.  She has all her privacy and modesty, but I no longer have that privilege.  I have no control over what she sees or how she sees me. And all of the focus now feels like it's on me.  Very much like @rubyredd put it, it makes me feel "on display." Further, I'm the one that's going to have something done to me (i.e. having my bottom spanked), vs. perhaps the other way around during a sexual encounter where either I'm either the more active party or we're both equally doing things to each other.  All of this makes me feel quite vulnerable. At the same time, it's also extremely humbling, as well.      

[Blushingred]

Getting my pants and underwear pulled down is very embarrassing for me in a spanking context. I could be naked in front of the same person in a non-spanking context, but when it's about a spanking it's super embarrassing to have my butt bared and them be fully clothed. Being scolded and language can be very embarrassing too. Words like "bare butt" or "bare butt spanking" when they're looking right at that exposed part of me with their hand high in the air.