Your expectations during the spanking

[bull559]

Hi all! I have some questions about how you expect your spankee to behave while getting a spanking.

First some background:

For years now I have wanted to spank my wife, and over the last few months I have had a lot of success. First I want to say this is consensual and I will always stop if my wife wants me to. We got started a while ago when I spanked her after an incident with our car. Most recently, I told her I was going to spank her and to be ready for it. She did not shy away and said she would do it. But she complained a lot when we were getting started. When I was spanking her I said she would be spanked every two weeks until she was used to the idea of it. I told her I didn't want to hear so much complaining.

Well, we have stayed on the schedule, but she has gone back and forth between asking for a spanking, and getting upset when she feels the spanking goes too far. Last time she talked back during the spanking saying "I can't even feel it. Oh is that all you have?" I took this as a challenge and spanked her harder, and she eventually cried and became upset. Saying "I don't know why you want to see me cry." I told her I wasn't trying to make her cry, but she kept talking back so I took it as a challenge to go harder and quiet her down.

Well, this weekend she felt guilty about something between us and said "can you spank me when the kids are at school?" She said it would help her feel better about it. I said ok I will do it and she said "I just want to know what you expect from me during a spanking".

Back to the question:

She has given me a great opportunity and I plan to tell her my expectations during the next spanking. But it also made me question it myself. I'd like your opinions on this! What I plan to do is strip her down (usually naked) like usual and get her over my knee, then tell her: You want to know my expectations right? I don't expect you to lie still and silent. But if you complain before hand the spanking will be harder. If you talk back and challenge, the spanking will get harder until you do not talk back, because I do not want to hear it. Most of all, I want you to let go and submit. You're no longer in control when you are over my knee. So if I ask something I expect you to respond politely. I expect you to stay put until allowed to get up. I want you to give into the fact that it's up to me how hard or soft the spanking will be. I am considering giving her a safeword so when she really wants to stop she can.

[otkpantsdown 49]

When I do the spanking I expect a reaction from the spanke. I want to hear some yelling and some wiggling. I want them to let me know it HURTS. We always chat first and they understand it will not tickle and will hurt for real!

When its MY turn OTK I expect the same. All my life starting at 10 years old I wanted a spanking I could not tolerate! I was NEVER spanked at all as a child. As an adult I NEED the spanking to go past where I can tolerate it. I have received exactly that a few times. Most recent was Tuesday. My reaction? Wiggling kicking and screaming OWWW. Can't wait for next time!

[SpankorBSpanked]

It sounds as though you are doing just fine with your approach . . . You are setting expectations for her and addressing the issues as they arise.  Not sure I would introduce a "safe word" at this juncture though.  It doesn't sound like you are spanking her too harshly at this point, and she needs to learn that she can endure spankings that might be a little harder or longer than she is accustomed to.  One thing I would suggest however, is that every once in a while you give her a "just because" spanking . . . (Yes, that's exactly what it sounds like . . .) That will help her accept the idea that she can be spanked at anytime, and not just when she has done something to warrant being spanked.

The thing to remember here though, is that there is no right way or wrong way to go about this.  Whatever works for the two of you is perfectly fine, and you will undoubtedly modify your approach along the way.  One thing is certain . . . it's going to be an "interesting" journey for the both of you.

[bull559]

1 hour ago, otkpantsdown 49 said:

When I do the spanking I expect a reaction from the spanke. I want to hear some yelling and some wiggling. I want them to let me know it HURTS. We always chat first and they understand it will not tickle and will hurt for real!

When its MY turn OTK I expect the same. All my life starting at 10 years old I wanted a spanking I could not tolerate! I was NEVER spanked at all as a child. As an adult I NEED the spanking to go past where I can tolerate it. I have received exactly that a few times. Most recent was Tuesday. My reaction? Wiggling kicking and screaming OWWW. Can't wait for next time!

I feel the same about this and expect some reaction such as wiggling, tensing, crying out. The spanking does not feel proper to me if it does not truly hurt and go past the point of a fun warm up. Maybe I need to be clear to my wife that I do not mind natural reactions to the spanking. It's not crying that I am after, it's more that the spanking has to be real... and real involves a little harder with some pain. 

[bull559]

1 hour ago, SpankorBSpanked said:

It sounds as though you are doing just fine with your approach . . . You are setting expectations for her and addressing the issues as they arise.  Not sure I would introduce a "safe word" at this juncture though.  It doesn't sound like you are spanking her too harshly at this point, and she needs to learn that she can endure spankings that might be a little harder or longer than she is accustomed to.  One thing I would suggest however, is that every once in a while you give her a "just because" spanking . . . (Yes, that's exactly what it sounds like . . .) That will help her accept the idea that she can be spanked at anytime, and not just when she has done something to warrant being spanked.

The thing to remember here though, is that there is no right way or wrong way to go about this.  Whatever works for the two of you is perfectly fine, and you will undoubtedly modify your approach along the way.  One thing is certain . . . it's going to be an "interesting" journey for the both of you.

Thank you! It is definitely ups and downs. There are times where I finish and wonder if we will be able to do it again. But I hug her and care for her, and within a couple days she is talking about getting spanked again or suggesting it. So it's definitely progress.

Good point on not doing a safe word just yet. It would hurt progress if it's used too often. I can tell she is getting used to the spankings more and more... she realizes it's "real" now and that they will go to the point of hurting, rather than just being a bit of fun. Right now she gets spanked every two weeks, but I agree my ultimate expectation is that she can be spanked any time. Maybe I can start dropping hints towards that now, and fully implement it as we go on. 

[SpankorBSpanked]

I'm sure you have heard the adage. "The real spanking starts when the spankee is hoping it is over with."  When my wife and I first set up a domestic discipline arrangement (back in 1992 mind you) I was spanked weekly.  When the behaviors she was trying to address didn't improve as quickly as she had hoped, she upped that to twice a week.  Needless to say, it didn't take long before I began to behave as she expected.

[bull559]

I've not heard that adage but it makes perfect sense. I can feel a difference when the spanking shifts from "silly fun" into "oh no, this is hard". That's the time where I feel the spanking is most effective, and where it becomes a real spanking.

[mikeae102754]

6 hours ago, bull559 said:

Hi all! I have some questions about how you expect your spankee to behave while getting a spanking.

First some background:

For years now I have wanted to spank my wife, and over the last few months I have had a lot of success. First I want to say this is consensual and I will always stop if my wife wants me to. We got started a while ago when I spanked her after an incident with our car. Most recently, I told her I was going to spank her and to be ready for it. She did not shy away and said she would do it. But she complained a lot when we were getting started. When I was spanking her I said she would be spanked every two weeks until she was used to the idea of it. I told her I didn't want to hear so much complaining.

Well, we have stayed on the schedule, but she has gone back and forth between asking for a spanking, and getting upset when she feels the spanking goes too far. Last time she talked back during the spanking saying "I can't even feel it. Oh is that all you have?" I took this as a challenge and spanked her harder, and she eventually cried and became upset. Saying "I don't know why you want to see me cry." I told her I wasn't trying to make her cry, but she kept talking back so I took it as a challenge to go harder and quiet her down.

Well, this weekend she felt guilty about something between us and said "can you spank me when the kids are at school?" She said it would help her feel better about it. I said ok I will do it and she said "I just want to know what you expect from me during a spanking".

Back to the question:

She has given me a great opportunity and I plan to tell her my expectations during the next spanking. But it also made me question it myself. I'd like your opinions on this! What I plan to do is strip her down (usually naked) like usual and get her over my knee, then tell her: You want to know my expectations right? I don't expect you to lie still and silent. But if you complain before hand the spanking will be harder. If you talk back and challenge, the spanking will get harder until you do not talk back, because I do not want to hear it. Most of all, I want you to let go and submit. You're no longer in control when you are over my knee. So if I ask something I expect you to respond politely. I expect you to stay put until allowed to get up. I want you to give into the fact that it's up to me how hard or soft the spanking will be. I am considering giving her a safeword so when she really wants to stop she can.

I agree with some of the other comments that you are handling this really good. If she is to be a true submissive, anytime you decide to administer a correction her only duty is to comply. Giving a harder spanking when she complains, is an alternative to what I do. If my wife complains I make the spanking longer. Each complaint adds 5 minutes to a spanking and my base spankings is always 15 minutes. I once had to spank my wife for half an hour because she kept complaining. 

[rubyredd]

As a bottom, I want to be able to react naturally during a spanking - sounds, movements, even backtalk (when I want more). 

[Explorify]

11 hours ago, otkpantsdown 49 said:

When I do the spanking I expect a reaction from the spanke. I want to hear some yelling and some wiggling. I want them to let me know it HURTS. We always chat first and they understand it will not tickle and will hurt for real!

When its MY turn OTK I expect the same. All my life starting at 10 years old I wanted a spanking I could not tolerate! I was NEVER spanked at all as a child. As an adult I NEED the spanking to go past where I can tolerate it. I have received exactly that a few times. Most recent was Tuesday. My reaction? Wiggling kicking and screaming OWWW. Can't wait for next time!

I thought this comment captured it nicely and was glad to see Bull559 respond positively to it. I'm not sure that I am 100% onboard with the absence of a safeword though, and you might consider a conversation along the following lines.

"There is nothing wrong with, 'Stop you're hurting me,' which can be an involuntary and natural reaction.  But if you are trying to make any impact on what I do, you will be a lot better off with 'Please stop. I have learned my lesson," and even then deciding whether that is so is my role.  I will decide when you have learned your lesson."  (And as a tip, when I do hear something along those lines when acting as 'er, my response is to continue right along while demanding a detailed explanation of what lesson has been learned, and a reiteration of the committment I got before the actual spanking ever started that what she deserved was to be punished in my discretion).

In that context it may make sense to say to her that you will give her a safeword if she wants one.  It is like an airbag in a car.  People drive for a lifetime without one ever deploying in an emergency.  But if you didn't have one installed, there would always be a bit of needless mental tension as well as the absence of something important when really needed. So here, the idea would be that the knowledge that the safeword exists will enable her to get fully into the right headspace while being spanked and also be there for safety purposes if for whatever idiosyncatic reason (e.g. she suffers some sort of unexpected spasm) it is needed. 

This is reinforcement of the underlying idea that " this is consensual and I will always stop if my wife wants me to " and may help clear away some underbrush.  -Ex.

[Chawsee]

On 10/7/2022 at 8:21 AM, bull559 said:

.....she has gone back and forth between asking for a spanking, and getting upset when she feels the spanking goes too far. Last time she talked back during the spanking saying "I can't even feel it. Oh is that all you have?" I took this as a challenge and spanked her harder, and she eventually cried and became upset. Saying "I don't know why you want to see me cry." I told her I wasn't trying to make her cry, but she kept talking back so I took it as a challenge to go harder and quiet her down.

Well, this weekend she felt guilty about something between us and said "can you spank me when the kids are at school?" She said it would help her feel better about it. I said ok I will do it and she said "I just want to know what you expect from me during a spanking".

This sounds to me like a breakdown in communication. You've shared here that she goes back and forth between asking for a spanking, then getting upset when it happens. She did some teasing/bratting, and you responded instinctively by spanking her harder. (I would have done the same thing.) But then she cried and became upset that you took it that far. Now she wants to know what you expect from her during a spanking. This is a valid question. An equally valid question is what she expects from you. A heart-to-heart talk would help this progress. Listen carefully to what she tells you, and ask her to do the same for you. 

It appears that you are the one who has wanted to spank her. Now you're finally getting to do so. (Congratulations! 😉) If she's not a born spanko and is finding her way, she needs your patience and understanding while you both figure out her comfort level. If she's pushed too much, too fast, she may grow to resent it. You have an advantage on your side, in that she is playing along and seems to crave these spankings. So work hard to keep it positive.

Something fun that would help you two is a calibration spanking to find her limits. This is a good time to use the green-yellow-red approach. Explain these safe-words to her. Then, when you're spanking her, if she says "green," it means "I'm doing good. Keep going, or spank harder/faster." "Yellow" means "I'm reaching my limit; ease up." And "red" means "Stop! Too much." This is a fun and easy way to learn your partner's pain limits.

Good luck, Bull. Keep us updated. 

[Handily]

29 minutes ago, Chawsee said:

Something fun that would help you two is a calibration spanking to find her limits. This is a good time to use the green-yellow-red approach. Explain these safe-words to her. Then, when you're spanking her, if she says "green," it means "I'm doing good. Keep going, or spank harder/faster." "Yellow" means "I'm reaching my limit; ease up." And "red" means "Stop! Too much." This is a fun and easy way to learn your partner's pain limits.

 

As usual, Chawsee makes a practical and helpful suggestion. This would be a fine way to refine your communications without the frustration that seems to exist currently.

                                                                                                 H.

[bull559]

6 hours ago, Chawsee said:

Something fun that would help you two is a calibration spanking to find her limits. This is a good time to use the green-yellow-red approach. Explain these safe-words to her. Then, when you're spanking her, if she says "green," it means "I'm doing good. Keep going, or spank harder/faster." "Yellow" means "I'm reaching my limit; ease up." And "red" means "Stop! Too much." This is a fun and easy way to learn your partner's pain limits.

Chawsee what a great reply. Thank you! You are right that we had a bit of a breakdown in communication. We ended having the heart-to-heart you mentioned last night while we were out. It got frustrating at times, but we talked through everything. She said she was trying her best to get into it. But when the spanking went a little too far and she started crying, she felt humiliated. She said she was lying naked, crying, while I was fully clothed. It wasn't a good feeling for her.

I told her part of the issue is if we are doing a few love taps then moving on, I would rather not do it at all. Because the harder spanks and the painful part are what makes it real for me. And the realness is what I crave. That seemed to resonate with her. I told her natural reactions during the spanking are perfectly fine. She said part of her honest reaction is to talk back. I told her that's ok but if she is punished for that she can't immediately get upset and want to stop. Because what is the point if she is talking back - then stopping it. It's like she is in control at that point. To that she said "how can I be in control when I am naked over your knee?"

You are right that I am the one wanting this. But I would love to get her into it. She is not like some of the girls on this forum that crave it deep down. We discussed trying again soon, but I would listen to her more closely and stop earlier before she cries.

Which brings me to your suggestion about green-yellow-red, which I think is perfect. I didn't like a regular "safe word" because it feels like all or nothing. But I would love for her to go into yellow just a bit, then back off. I want to show her it's safe so we can continue to move into it without things blowing up. This could be just what I need. As you said, I don't want her to resent it, and I think she will if I keep going too hard.

Deep down, I occasionally want the times where she will be humiliated and likely cry. But I understand I can't go from 0 to 100mph and get that every time just starting out. Maybe this green yellow red will be the great way to try things out and give her a positive experience... where she is pleasing me but also not feeling pushed too far. Then in a month or two I can tell her - I want a time where I push you hard, where you will likely feel humiliated. Give it to me love. Then she will know what is coming as a planned one-off experience.

I will keep you updated on how things go!

[Newredbottom]

20 hours ago, Chawsee said:

This sounds to me like a breakdown in communication. You've shared here that she goes back and forth between asking for a spanking, then getting upset when it happens. She did some teasing/bratting, and you responded instinctively by spanking her harder. (I would have done the same thing.) But then she cried and became upset that you took it that far. Now she wants to know what you expect from her during a spanking. This is a valid question. An equally valid question is what she expects from you. A heart-to-heart talk would help this progress. Listen carefully to what she tells you, and ask her to do the same for you. 

It appears that you are the one who has wanted to spank her. Now you're finally getting to do so. (Congratulations! 😉) If she's not a born spanko and is finding her way, she needs your patience and understanding while you both figure out her comfort level. If she's pushed too much, too fast, she may grow to resent it. You have an advantage on your side, in that she is playing along and seems to crave these spankings. So work hard to keep it positive.

Something fun that would help you two is a calibration spanking to find her limits. This is a good time to use the green-yellow-red approach. Explain these safe-words to her. Then, when you're spanking her, if she says "green," it means "I'm doing good. Keep going, or spank harder/faster." "Yellow" means "I'm reaching my limit; ease up." And "red" means "Stop! Too much." This is a fun and easy way to learn your partner's pain limits.

Good luck, Bull. Keep us updated. 

Thank you for posting this.  Would you check at intervals during the the spanking? 

[Chawsee]

On 10/9/2022 at 8:27 AM, Newredbottom said:

Thank you for posting this.  Would you check at intervals during the the spanking? 

Hi Newredbottom. If checking in at intervals feels right to you, then by all means, do so. I believe it's better to be a bit overly cautious than not cautious enough. When one has a regular spanking partner, the intensity of sessions will naturally increase over time. It's prudent, though, to build up to this gradually. When starting out, if spankings are too painful or too emotionally stressful, the spankee may decide "No more!" But if we gradually build up their tolerance, we're simultaneously building their trust-- and their love of being spanked. 😉

[bull559]

Hi all. As an update, things went well yesterday! I instructed her on the stoplight system when she was over my knee. At first she teased and said "red" as soon as I started. I laughed and kept going. In the middle I said "let me hear your color" and she said green, and as I got harder she said yellow, yellow! Then I backed off for a bit. I told her I wanted one more yellow and it had to be honest. So I went harder for a bit and she said yellow, then I ended the spanking.

I told her - see I take care of you and treat you well. She said yes I know you do. She said "that wasn't so bad". So we were able to get through a good spanking with no drama. This is less intensity than I prefer but I like the build up. I like that it's positive and left us both feeling good. This should be a good base to build on. 

[Chawsee]

On 10/12/2022 at 10:04 AM, bull559 said:

Hi all. As an update, things went well yesterday! I instructed her on the stoplight system when she was over my knee. At first she teased and said "red" as soon as I started. I laughed and kept going. In the middle I said "let me hear your color" and she said green, and as I got harder she said yellow, yellow! Then I backed off for a bit. I told her I wanted one more yellow and it had to be honest. So I went harder for a bit and she said yellow, then I ended the spanking.

I told her - see I take care of you and treat you well. She said yes I know you do. She said "that wasn't so bad". So we were able to get through a good spanking with no drama. This is less intensity than I prefer but I like the build up. I like that it's positive and left us both feeling good. This should be a good base to build on. 

What a great update!  Sorry Bull, I've been scrambling to catch up on posts and just saw this. From what you've shared here, it sounds like you had a terrific spanking session with your wife. I like how you said to her, in the middle of it, "Let me hear your color." That was clever. You have plenty of time to build up the intensity that you're hoping for. The swiftest way to get there is by going slow. Keep it positive and keep her liking it.  Good job!