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Spanko girlfriend doesn’t want me involved


Vanilla

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First, I’d like to start this post by saying that I don’t want to be vanilla. I am kinky in a lot of other ways, but my partner maintains that since I haven’t been interested in spanking since I was a child, I’m still considered vanilla. I have a lot of shame about it - I share this because I’m hoping for some kindness and not “you don’t belong here”. Here’s hoping. 
 

I read every post I could find on this forum about spanko/vanilla relationships, and so many of them were about how to convert or get your vanilla to buy in. I have the opposite problem. My spanko doesn’t want me involved. I am happy to help her explore her kink. I am willing to read fanfic, watch spanking scenes, and provide the discipline that she wants so bad. To learn what she wants and also - I WANT to spank her. But she doesn’t want it to be me. 
 

I’ve learned through this forum what a deep and significant relationship an EE and an ER have. And I want to have that with her. And I am so hurt that she wants that with someone else. She would rather forgo spanking all together than let me participate. 
 

The opinions on the likelihood of spanko/vanilla relationships working out are pretty bleak around here. I love this person with all my heart and I can’t accept that there’s no hope. Thanks for reading, and for allowing me into your community even if I don’t belong. 
 

ps: I know this reads really woe is me and self loathing, but I am just really, really sad. 

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Welcome, and sorry to hear you are having this problem. I wish I had something more encouraging to say about it. The most common case I hear is that a spanko is not able to convince their vanilla partner to spank them. They would be so grateful to have a partner like you, who is not only willing to play the role, but is enthusiastic about embracing it. However, I also know that some of us are quite particular about who we want to engage in with this dynamic. In some cases, it doesn't work to have a spouse or significant other also play the role of disciplinarian. There is a need for separation, as it can interfere with a "normal" or egalitarian relationship. In other cases, apparently like yours, there needs to be a spanko connection. It is possible that a partner just doesn't fit the role one is looking for. I wouldn't take that as a knock on you.

It would be great if your partner could have a change of mind, and be able to appreciate what you have to offer. I hope it can work out that way for you.

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Hello @Vanilla. Welcome to SN! Thank you for trusting us with this and for opening your heart to a bunch of strangers. Hopefully we won't remain strangers for long. :) What you did was difficult and it was brave. We all have challenges that we're facing, so even if your particular challenge feels a little different, you're in good company. And few things encourage compassion amongst friends more than sharing our difficulties in order to seek advice.

You mentioned that you're kinky in a lot of other ways, but since you haven't been interested in spanking since childhood, your partner maintains that you are still considered vanilla. First off, that statement is not entirely accurate. Many of us have indeed been wired like this from childhood. We sometimes refer to ourselves as "dyed-in-the-wool spankos." However, not all spankos relate to being the dyed-in-the-wool variety. Some discover spanking later in life. A wonderful example is Mrs. Crystal, a former FLR (female-led relationship) wife who produced spanking videos. She started out vanilla, and her (then) spankee boyfriend, Steven, who later became her husband, introduced her to spanking. They both discovered that she was a natural. A compassionate but take-charge, no-nonsense spanker. And she is excellent at what she does. Your partner may not know that one can become a spanko later in life, and that's okay. We forgive her. We're all learning as we go.

I don't know your partner, so I'm not sure where she's coming from. The real question, as I see it, is WHY does she feel that she doesn't want you involved? Has she ever felt shamed by you, intentionally or completely inadvertently, for being a spanko? In reading your post, it sounds like she may be feeling defensive or even resentful about you joining this part of her life. Of course, I could be reading something into it that isn't there. So if this doesn't resonate, disregard it. And any negative feelings she may have about sharing her spanko side may not have originated with you at all. The negative feelings, if there are any, could have come from someone else entirely. Either way, she needs to know that you are completely open, safe, and supportive before she'll likely embrace the idea of "going there" with you. So if there are any hard feelings whatsoever-- (and we women are way more touchy about this than are men)-- those bruised feelings need to be healed first.

A good place to start would be a heart-to-heart talk, in which you lovingly encourage her to share where she's coming from. She may be self-conscious or even afraid to open up this part of herself to you, especially if she ever did so before with someone, and was rejected for it. She may have some insecurities or some frustrations, or both. Just listen and let her talk it all out, without interrupting. (She needs to feel heard.) Then repeat back to her what she said by saying something like, "I hear you tell me that you feel _____, ______, and ______." (After feeling heard, she needs to feel validated.) Then, humbly apologize if there is anything you've said or done that may have contributed to her feelings. Keep your tone of voice gentle and your volume soft. This alone can make a marked difference in how we come across. 

Is she interested in any other kinks? Specifically any of the kinks that you're into? If so, that's a good place to build a bond. If you are both into something that you can gain some practice together with, then you might eventually introduce spanking to the mix. 

I'm sure other members here will chime in with some good ideas. Let's see what they say... In the meantime, keep the dialog here open and keep sharing with us, okay? We're rooting for you.  :wave:

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Your girlfriend is lucky... as another member here with a non-spanko partner, there's a lot of back-and-forth necessary to keep a relationship going once kink is out and in the open. What I've learned from talking with other spankos is that most kinksters have their own fantasies and preferences - be that particular scenes or trigger phrases, to how immersive you want to be in the lifestyle, or what role sex has in your spanking/discipline. I imagine that since you didn't come of age in this zeitgeist, she figures it would be too frustrating or compromising to have to bring you in - but it's a poor excuse that says more about her inability to communicate (or compromise) her needs than any ability of yours to address them.

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I think Chawsee and Danadares have made particularly valuable contributions here.  A full discussion might disclose simply that she doesn't want to mix the two roles because she thinks it doesn't fit into the sort of relatiionship she wants to have with her significant other.  That isn't a knock on you.  It is normal and healthy for each partner to have important relationships (e.g. with a psychotherapist) that they don't share with the other.

Possibly, just maybe, you could come to an arrangement where you engage spanking as an erotic activity, while leaving her free to get disciplinary spankings elsewhere. -Ex.

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Just to repeat and elaborate on a point I made… Your partner may need what I referred to as a "spanko connection." An element of her fetish may be that the one who spanks her must share certain aspects of her background, and have innate feelings about spanking and/or discipline that resonate with hers. She may have to be quite selective. If that is the case, it is unfair to criticize her for who she is, or expect her to change who she is. It would be great if she is able to explore spanking with you, and discover that your enthusiasm is enough to provide her with the spanking she needs, but that may not be desirable to her.

If this spanko connection is not the issue for her, then your chances of a spanking relationship developing with her may be better.

 

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Thank you so much for kindness here. I cannot stress how much it means to me that you offered such careful and considerate advice. @Chawsee, your welcoming and reassurance particularly brought me to tears during what has been a stretch of the hardest days of my life. 
 

i think you’re right @danadares, that she wants a specific person (a dyed in the wool spanko) to be her spanker. She has expressed that the relationship between her and her ER is 80% of the ritual for her, and the physical spanking only %20. The problem is, as a sexual top, I seem to be having a really hard time with the idea of my girlfriend submitting to another woman and letting another woman top her, even though it’s not sexual. I think I feel similar to the ERs on here who expressed not wanting their EEs to have another ER at the same time.

Also, I am scared to be left out of such a deep and intimate part of her life. I’ve read that some people here feel that spanking is ultimately their sexuality, and because this seems so important to her, I have no idea if it will become more important to her than our relationship. I even presented the compromise of her having a separate spanker, but me being allowed to be present during sessions so that I can know what’s going on and feel involved even if I’m not participating. She said no, that this would take her out of the mindset. I feel like I am doing my absolute best to compromise with her, and so far nothing is working. 
 

She got spanked this past weekend by another female spanko for the first time, (even though we have been fighting about and and she knew it would upset me) and the feeling of jealousy/territorial-ness that I felt when I saw her bruises surprised me. Is it messed up of me to not want another persons marks on her?

Thanks again. It means a lot. 

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39 minutes ago, Vanilla said:

 I have no idea if it will become more important to her than our relationship.

She got spanked this past weekend by another female spanko for the first time, (even though we have been fighting about and and she knew it would upset me) and the feeling of jealousy/territorial-ness that I felt when I saw her bruises surprised me. Is it messed up of me to not want another persons marks on her?

 

 IMHO, no it is not messed up of you. As you have seen in various threads, a significant number of us consider it a form of infidelity to go off and get spanked without sharing the fact with our romantic partner, and this is along the same lines.

Unfortunately, there is no simple solution here except open communication.  You don't want to be in the position of suggesting that she has to make a choice between the 'er and you, but you do want to explain as best as possible that the search for some form of compromise is based on how important it is to you to have her emotionally close to you, rather than a desire to deprive her of a relationship with her 'er.

At the end of the day, all you can do is your best.  The outcome will be what it will be.  Best of luck.

                                                                                                                                                             H.

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54 minutes ago, Vanilla said:

Thank you so much for kindness here. I cannot stress how much it means to me that you offered such careful and considerate advice. @Chawsee, your welcoming and reassurance particularly brought me to tears during what has been a stretch of the hardest days of my life. 
 

i think you’re right @danadares, that she wants a specific person (a dyed in the wool spanko) to be her spanker. She has expressed that the relationship between her and her ER is 80% of the ritual for her, and the physical spanking only %20. The problem is, as a sexual top, I seem to be having a really hard time with the idea of my girlfriend submitting to another woman and letting another woman top her, even though it’s not sexual. I think I feel similar to the ERs on here who expressed not wanting their EEs to have another ER at the same time.

Also, I am scared to be left out of such a deep and intimate part of her life. I’ve read that some people here feel that spanking is ultimately their sexuality, and because this seems so important to her, I have no idea if it will become more important to her than our relationship. I even presented the compromise of her having a separate spanker, but me being allowed to be present during sessions so that I can know what’s going on and feel involved even if I’m not participating. She said no, that this would take her out of the mindset. I feel like I am doing my absolute best to compromise with her, and so far nothing is working. 
 

She got spanked this past weekend by another female spanko for the first time, (even though we have been fighting about and and she knew it would upset me) and the feeling of jealousy/territorial-ness that I felt when I saw her bruises surprised me. Is it messed up of me to not want another persons marks on her?

Thanks again. It means a lot. 

Man, I would hate to be in your position.  She said you’re her man, she said she’s this way, but she won’t let you spank her?  Then you feel jealous when she did something with some other woman whilst refusing to have you do the honors.  As my friend Shakespeare was wont of saying, “Something is rotten in the State of Denmark.”  It could be easier said than done, for I know not how attached you are with her, but, if it were me I would probably break up with her!

I do wonder whether it is possible that she is being deliberately bogus with you about something of an emotional nature.  However, even if she is not, I would not suffer a relationship that causes me to live my life in a state of jealousy.  That would not strike me as very good at all for my own sense of well-being.

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On 10/4/2022 at 9:04 PM, Vanilla said:

Thank you so much for kindness here. I cannot stress how much it means to me that you offered such careful and considerate advice. @Chawsee, your welcoming and reassurance particularly brought me to tears during what has been a stretch of the hardest days of my life. 
 

i think you’re right @danadares, that she wants a specific person (a dyed in the wool spanko) to be her spanker. She has expressed that the relationship between her and her ER is 80% of the ritual for her, and the physical spanking only %20. The problem is, as a sexual top, I seem to be having a really hard time with the idea of my girlfriend submitting to another woman and letting another woman top her, even though it’s not sexual. I think I feel similar to the ERs on here who expressed not wanting their EEs to have another ER at the same time.

Also, I am scared to be left out of such a deep and intimate part of her life. I’ve read that some people here feel that spanking is ultimately their sexuality, and because this seems so important to her, I have no idea if it will become more important to her than our relationship. I even presented the compromise of her having a separate spanker, but me being allowed to be present during sessions so that I can know what’s going on and feel involved even if I’m not participating. She said no, that this would take her out of the mindset. I feel like I am doing my absolute best to compromise with her, and so far nothing is working. 
 

She got spanked this past weekend by another female spanko for the first time, (even though we have been fighting about and and she knew it would upset me) and the feeling of jealousy/territorial-ness that I felt when I saw her bruises surprised me. Is it messed up of me to not want another persons marks on her?

Thanks again. It means a lot. 

Hi, Ms. Vanilla...

Thanks for sharing Your experiences and challenges with us, and for Your courage to embark on new experiences. You mentioned that Your partner isn't ready for You to spank her yet, and that she gets some spanking, or likely paddling if she has bruises, from others. Getting accustomed to spanking and paddling someone likely takes time, practice and experience. Maybe Your partner isn't comfortable trying to coach You into the spanking and paddling dynamic. She may not want to direct you in what to do ("top from the bottom??). In some ways, you can learn about the dynamic in our forums here. Still, You may need some experience to reach a place where You can help Your partner and address her needs.

Would You consider spanking others? Likely many would offer to help You become a real Spanker, if You can consider that. Some have learned a lot that way and become very serious disciplinarians and Spankers with the experiences. And some discussions, with Your partner, and with others, may help You understand the dynamic you may need to develop. 

You mentioned that you feel similar to ERs who don't want their ees to have another Er. But how many ees ever have that option--the option of being the only eeee in an Er's life? Seems like that could be a consideration for You. As You develop, You may be able to develop a spanking relationship with Your partner, and You may also find out if this is a dynamic You are okay with--if You really can be a Spanker, and whether You can enjoy paddling others.

So, maybe an unorthodox approach, but it could work for You. We hope You keep us posted on how everything works out. Good luck in all You do, and may You have a fruitful spanking relationship.

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  • 1 month later...

As a spanko with a Vanilla husband I can completely relate to your post. Just from the other side. I have always been a spanko but kept it in the closet for most of my 25 year marriage. It was because of encouragement from members on this site that I opened up to my husband about my spanking fetish. 
 

While he was initially surprised, he has really embraced it and tried to learn as much as he can. We’ve explored a lot and he’s great a giving an erotic spanking. 
 

We both recognized quite quickly  though that my Spanko gene really centres around discipline and a dynamic that I don’t have or want in my marriage.

After a lot of discussion and thought he has agreed to let me pursue being disciplined ( in a non sexual way) by someone else. It’s a huge step for us and I am so grateful that we have that kind of trust.
 

My need to be disciplined does not in anyway take away from the love and respect I have for my husband. In fact, I think it has brought us closer.

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On 10/4/2022 at 2:40 AM, Chawsee said:

A good place to start would be a heart-to-heart talk

Old school wisdom never gets old @Chawsee!

You've already gotten lots of great ideas and theories, but my guess is that all the answers you're seeking are locked up inside your partner.  You mission then, is to figure out a way to release them - and when it comes to that we're all wired differently.  Some people can handle and appreciate a direct approach "HEY, what's the deal? Why can't I spank you?".  Some people need a much gentler approach.  If I had to guess (and purely a guess) somewhere at the root of this is a trust issue, and that might not have anything to do with you directly.  Most of us have emotional and psychological baggage eventually - your partner may have baggage holding them back from fully embracing your relationship.  Did you ever ask someone to do you a favor, and you could tell from their response that they really didn't want to? At that point most of us would just say "forget it" because a gift from a reluctant giver really isn't a gift.  It could be something as simple as her being insecure about the possibility of you doing something you don't really want her to do.

Lastly, maybe there's a creative benefit to inviting her to take part in this forum - she might find out she's not alone and may see a solution where she hadn't in the past.

Good luck!

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  • 2 weeks later...

We may want to break out the type of spanking into two categories - discipline and non-discipline.

Discipline spankings can sometimes be difficult between two people who love each other.  She may feel that it would be difficult for you to give her a true discipline spanking. It can be difficult for a relationship she doesn’t want to lose.

Suggest to her that you provide non-discipline spankings such as romantic or stress relief spankings.  This can be less intense without the psychological need to atonement on her part for something.

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