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Women in relationships that are spanked by someone other than their partner


Imperium

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Apologies if this question has been asked already. I didn't see a title for it elsewhere in the forum and I'm still learning the ropes here as I'm relatively new to this site.

This question is about women that are spanked by someone other than their partner, though it could apply to anyone in a relationship. I'm curios as to what rules, requirements, and limitations are placed on this dynamic? Who sets the boundaries for this in your relationship? What is considered acceptable in your situation and what falls outside of that? Things like level of undress, spanking positions, types of implements, location its to be done in, etc. Why was it necessary or preferred to have someone outside of the relationship do it? Is it limited to discipline or are "funishment" type spankings a part of your arrangement?

I've disciplined a number of women in relationships and have had almost no limits ever requested of me, but my background isn't entirely rooted in DD. I'm interested in understanding what some of these structures look like in other relationships. 

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I'm married and I have been spanked by several other people, because my spouse is not into it. I don't do discipline, not even "funishments", but they are not erotic or sexual either. Because of that that, my partner has no limits on what happens between me and the spankers, and I have no limits directly related to my marriage either. The only thing would be me telling my partner every time I have a session with someone, but I do that for safety reason anyway. We treat me getting a spanking the same as me going out with friends, not that big a deal.

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I am in this exactly type of relationship, my ER is actually a long-term male friend (although I don't currently have a romantic partner). I've written lots about this on the blogs and forum. I've only about 2 years of experience of this but am happy to discuss if that would be helpful - feel free to DM me. I have lots of thoughts and opinions on the importance of boundaries, level of undress, positions, location (in fact all of the things you mention)!

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Great question. Although more EE than ER, I was “outed” as spanko 15 years ago and that sort of thing gets around. On occasion pre pandemic anyway, a curious but very private female asks for their first non family member spanking. This means not telling their partners. I decline if married or their relationship sounds more than casual. 

This is not a moral reason I just don’t want the risk of her ( M/F only) guy finding out and confronting me. No thanks want to keep my teeth.

I don’t think the majority of people would be ok with it. Posts I have read on SN over past 2 years seem to support Naomi’s and littledemons (great handle btw) positions not mine. I wish non spanko’s viewed spanking as “just going out with friends no big deal” but my experience has been otherwise. 

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Early on, I completely avoided any kind of dynamic like this because I'm not he kind of man that likes being told what to do by anyone else, especially a woman's significant other. I outline my intentions and someone is free to choose to do go that path with me, or not. So assuming there would be a lot of "rules and restrictions" imposed - I just left this kind of thing alone. Several years ago I'd have a few women approach me about this. Again, my instinct was to stay clear of it for the reason outlined above. Being a little more open minded, I said I'd be willing to explore. I was surprised that aside from a couple of "requests" there was no limitations outlined. This happened a few times and I remained surprised and the lack of limits or "requests."  This isn't the experience most other men have had when doing something similar based on conversations I've had. Even a good friend of mine was doing this for a woman and the list of "can't" and "won't" from her and her husband was extensive. It's interesting hearing how others have established this kind of dynamic as it gives me some ideas how I navigate my own. 

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Over the years that I have been active as a disciplinarian, I've had a number of women who were either married or in long-term romantic relationships that were sent to me by their partners to be punished, on a regular basis.  This actually worked out really well, the male partners had their own reasons for not wanting to be the one giving the spankings. It could have been that they were not really into spanking their partner but understood her need to be spanked, or that they felt the punishment was worse if she was sent to an outsider rather than doing it at home. 

Some did request to have input into exactly how their partner was spanked, requiring specific implements, number of strokes, positions, restraints, and so on.  Some wanted photos or video taken and then sent to them so they could see what had taken place, while others did not and trusted the women to give an accurate verbal account upon returning home. There were a few males who asked to be present at some or all of their partner's spankings, although they did not wish to participate it was clear they were taking pleasure in watching. 

If everyone is on board with the same thoughts about how this is to be handled, it can work out nicely.  But obviously such arrangements are not for everyone. 

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My two cents related to the topic:

Key factors are: Communication ~ Being in touch and having a realistic understanding with one’s personal needs &  Being in and keeping a secure relationship with your partner.
• My experiences have sharpened my understanding that as the above 3 items are addressed parties can successfully move forward achieving their personal needs, wants, desires all the while safeguarding their socially normal relationships and community standings.

Naturally the fourth item is indeed discretion.

 

Thank you for the topic,

Cheers from Pittsburgh Pa.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Imperium - going back to your original question. A few thoughts from my own experience and my arrangement (and I should say that I think my situation is much more straightforward because I haven't been in a long-term relationship since my spanking arrangement started in late 2020).

As others have said, it is all about communication, discussing expectations, being honest about what has worked and what hasn't. And obviously trust is crucial - I am probably at my most vulnerable and emotionally exposed, as well as an embarrassing emotional mess, when I get spanked so I would find it very hard to do this without that communication and total trust. I realise I am very fortunate but I think this is much easier for me because my er and I know each other very well.

The limitations and rules around my discipline are, for us, a product of lots of discussion but the basic principle is that I have to be comfortable with the parameters we set and then he decides how to discipline me within those agreed parameters. That doesn't mean that I always agree with a punishment or his choices within those parameters.

People probably think I am quite prudish but modesty and privacy in and around spankings have always been really important to me. We have a very clear understanding about what I will wear to be punished (there are basically 2 options as I have explained in my blogs), that's based on lots of discussion and compromise - nudity is not an option (although I have experienced that with a female er) and nor is him seeing me in my lingerie etc. We experimented with me wearing a thong and I didn't like - I've written about that if you are interested.

Because I don't want physical intimacy with a friend, he doesn't spank me OTK and doesn't use his hands on me. He uses implements and various positions.

Positions and implements are something we've talked about a lot (and I have read a lot) and agreed on. But again he has options to choose from within what we have agreed. There is one implement that we have agreed he can only use to punish certain behaviour.

The underlying rules for my behaviour/habits/actions are agreed based on stuff that I have identified that I need help with and want to be held accountable for. There are a couple of rules he has imposed around respect for him as my er and the need for me to be totally honest about everything surrounding my rules.

Our arrangement is only about discipline. We have no funishment and that is not something that I would want.

I am worried about how my arrangement would work as and when I get into a serious romantic relationship. I've had short relationships with a few guys since I started getting spanked but things haven't got to a point where I've had to raise the issue - and I have managed to avoid seeing them when I still have marks (and when there is a chance of them seeing me with my clothes off). Honestly I don't know what would happen if I get into a serious relationship - I am not sure whether my arrangement with mr er could carry on. I guess I could be very lucky and find a partner who would be willing to discipline me but I appreciate that is rare. I find it pretty hard to imagine having my er spank me in front of a partner - that feels strange to me probably because I would be way too embarrassed for even a partner to see me in that situation.

N

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I know a number of people who have arrangements like this. They keys to making it work are communication and honesty among all involved.

A story. When I was new to this and freshly out of a failed marriage, I started attending some local events, parties, etc. At that time, I was pretty old-fashioned and would never have touched another man's wife for any reason. I met a couple and I knew they were in an open relationship. I was at a party and the woman asked me if I wanted to do a session with her (she was there without her husband). I agreed and I ended up using a number of different implements on her, including a cane.

Not long after that, a group of us went to dinner. She and husband were part of the group. At one point, her husband came up to me and said "I want to thank you." I asked "thank me for what?"  He said "Thank you for caning my wife." My jaw about hit the floor.

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I see your point @Imperium about not wanting to be controlled on how you do things. 
 

From an EE perspective who needs a discipline dynamic, I don’t outline parameters as an attempt to control the situation, but rather because I know me well enough, what I respond to, what I don’t, etc. If my goal is to change behavior, then lecturing, spanking, etc can be huge motivators while humiliating or degrading me completely removes me from the moment and only makes me feel worse about myself. Once “we” (general, not specific) have communicated our thoughts, if they align, great. If not, that’s fine too. But once those parameters are established, I expect to have zero control or say in whatever or however he chooses to discipline me. I’m not a “sub” and I do think there’s a distinct difference between choosing to submit to an ultimate authority in a disciplinarian vs being total submissive and expecting to do whatever, whenever, and however he pleases just because it pleases him. No judgement there whatsoever! It’s just not me and so I choose to lay out my hardlines and beyond that, it’s up to him to decide how to handle me. 

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18 hours ago, Naomi said:

I am worried about how my arrangement would work as and when I get into a serious romantic relationship. I've had short relationships with a few guys since I started getting spanked but things haven't got to a point where I've had to raise the issue - and I have managed to avoid seeing them when I still have marks (and when there is a chance of them seeing me with my clothes off). Honestly I don't know what would happen if I get into a serious relationship - I am not sure whether my arrangement with mr er could carry on. I guess I could be very lucky and find a partner who would be willing to discipline me but I appreciate that is rare. I find it pretty hard to imagine having my er spank me in front of a partner - that feels strange to me probably because I would be way too embarrassed for even a partner to see me in that situation.

I would think this is a matter of getting your priorities straight.

Bearing in mind that your spanking arrangement is relatively new in your life, and that you were functional without it, I would say that the most important long-term issue is finding a permament romantic partner.

Such a relationship could play out in any number of ways.  As you say, the partner could become your 'er. You might find that the relationship motiviated you to change so that spankings were no longer necessary.  The partner might accomodate your current disciplinary relationship or some variation of it. Or you might just decide to let go of this particular addition to your life in pursuit of other goals.

I know this is a spanking site.  But there are other things in life than spanking.  -Ex.

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5 hours ago, jennyjen said:

I see your point @Imperium about not wanting to be controlled on how you do things. 
 

From an EE perspective who needs a discipline dynamic, I don’t outline parameters as an attempt to control the situation, but rather because I know me well enough, what I respond to, what I don’t, etc. If my goal is to change behavior, then lecturing, spanking, etc can be huge motivators while humiliating or degrading me completely removes me from the moment and only makes me feel worse about myself. Once “we” (general, not specific) have communicated our thoughts, if they align, great. If not, that’s fine too. But once those parameters are established, I expect to have zero control or say in whatever or however he chooses to discipline me. I’m not a “sub” and I do think there’s a distinct difference between choosing to submit to an ultimate authority in a disciplinarian vs being total submissive and expecting to do whatever, whenever, and however he pleases just because it pleases him. No judgement there whatsoever! It’s just not me and so I choose to lay out my hardlines and beyond that, it’s up to him to decide how to handle me. 

It makes total sense to me that someone would define boundaries for themselves. I think it's equally important that, as you mentioned, if there isn't alignment than it is what it is. I think an ee should set whatever boundaries they need to, with the understanding that no one is obligated to change their way of doing things to accommodate. In situations where there isn't alignment, there are always other opportunities to find someone who is in alignment. There is an opinion out there that the only requirements that matter are those of the ee and I don't subscribe to that. I can hear an ee's requirements. I can acknowledge them. I'm not obligated to change my way of doing things to accommodate them. In those circumstances, we wish each other well and move on to find someone that is in alignment with our expectations. 

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  • 2 months later...

Happy almost New Years all.

I enjoyed a wonderful holiday telephone conversation,  yesterday with a friend, who craves a spanking now, and again for her own needs. Her husband, for many years does not fulfil her needs, hence our lengthy relationship.

Our conversation began with holiday pleasantries as well as well wishes. Then the dear woman gave me a huge smile. She shared that a recent holiday luncheon with several women she was just about to launch a catty, perhaps mean spirited comment. Prior to launching the biting comment, her thoughts reflected on an October get together. Where a similar style comment had been the motivation for our get together. She continued sharing that she was shifting in her seat, smile to herself, and elected to pass on making the comment.

I naturally complimented my friend of many years on her restraint. Then shared that I was smiling to my memory and a particular mental image of a delicious, fifty plus year young, professional clever soul standing facing a wall. Regaining her composure knowing that her shapely bottom was on display and that my eyes were drinking the sights of a well spanked bottom and her posture which communicated that a weight had indeed been lift from her inner thoughts.

I will share with the forum members, I was smiling again, as the dear woman told me that she was blushing remembering that afternoon and her need to avoid unpadded chairs through the following evening.

 

Happy safe healthy holidays to all

 

Cheers from Pittsburgh

 

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