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Advice needed on several things, please


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Hi all,

A bit of background: I am not new to understanding my needs and wants when it comes to spanking, but I am new in how to…attain it. At the moment, I’m seeking an online disciplinarian with the hope that I can trust enough to make it a “real life” thing. Roleplay can be fun, but it’s not my ultimate goal in the least. I want and need true guidance, rules, and accountability, but I also know myself enough to understand that while I need this, I have the same dichotomous need to fight it or push back. Just being honest here. 
 

First question: how on Earth do you “weed out” real intentions vs nefarious or bs ones? I’ve had people attempt to chat with me and things go well at first and then seem to take a turn in an opposite direction.  I won’t be a tool for someone to simply (pardon my bluntness) “get off to”, but how do you distinguish between those intending true help and guidance and those just looking to….hmmm, please themselves?

 

Second question and an ultimately important one: how do you maintain emotional safety even in an online relationship (to start)?  I know how to be physically safe and what I need to do to ensure I’m not physically harmed. However, I’m an incredibly emotionally driven person. I feel deeply, care deeply, connect deeply and can expect nothing less from the person I am giving this ultimate trust to. In other words, I need them to care about me as well, beyond just the rules and guidelines that have been laid out. So, how do you separate emotion? Do you separate emotion? If someone doesn’t care about the simplicities: have you had a good day, a bad day, etc, how do you trust them with something so completely and wholly personal as submitting to a spanking? I think that’s more rhetorical, but I’m seriously struggling with this. 
 

I am genuine in my desire to have, ultimately, a DD relationship, but I’m equally as genuine in wanting a true, caring online mentor until I feel safe and comfortable enough to meet, and yet, even within this community of people who do or should understand, find this an incredibly impossible feat. 
 

Help? Suggestions? Advice? Please…

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I'm married, and the internet for me has always been about conversation. I've made a few close online friends that I've talked with for years, but nothing beyond that. So my advice is only general and probably of very limited use.

I think that finding a serious trusting relationship takes a lot of time. If you can, it's best to treat everyone as a casual acquaintance, keep expectations in check, be very patient, and then only when something becomes bigger, and you feel comfortable enough to actually meet face-to-face, consider that to be the beginning of the relationship, and where you build trust from there. I know some people are able to make friendships and deeper connections more quickly, but if you're looking for something rare and specific it takes time, and with the knowledge that there will likely be failures and disappointments along the way. The stronger you are as a single person, the easier it should be. I wish you the best.

 

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We seemingly have very similar goals. Sadly, I have no advice to offer, as I have had zero luck making any progress towards the realization my my own interests. I do wish you the best of luck. My only caveat would to be very careful, and stay safe! 😁

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8 hours ago, jennyjen said:

Second question and an ultimately important one: how do you maintain emotional safety even in an online relationship (to start)?  I know how to be physically safe and what I need to do to ensure I’m not physically harmed. However, I’m an incredibly emotionally driven person. I feel deeply, care deeply, connect deeply and can expect nothing less from the person I am giving this ultimate trust to. In other words, I need them to care about me as well, beyond just the rules and guidelines that have been laid out. So, how do you separate emotion? Do you separate emotion? If someone doesn’t care about the simplicities: have you had a good day, a bad day, etc, how do you trust them with something so completely and wholly personal as submitting to a spanking? I think that’s more rhetorical, but I’m seriously struggling with this. 

My only real experience with distance discipline / accountability was with a person I knew in real life. We had been spanking partners in our 20s and friends since then. My husband is a spanko Top, but we do not have a disciplinary dynamic. I was struggling at the start of the pandemic to stay focused on my goals, so I reached out to my friend for help. We lived several states apart, so it was only distance discipline other than one visit. I have tried finding another accountability partner, but no luck yet. 

I am not able to separate my emotions from a disciplinary relationship because it can require closeness and trust beyond that of fun spanking. It requires dedication and a willingness to course-correct and make real changes (or meet goals). A deep connection takes time - which means a discipline dynamic needs a solid foundation - which can be hard to find online. 

On another note - if you ever want to chat or even visit with another spankee, let me know. I am not sure what part of IL you are in, but I have family over there. 

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I'll admit I didn't follow all the safety protocols when I first started. Partly because some of them I didn't know about, partly because I figured I could get myself out of a dangerous situation. While things did work out with a spanker who didn't allow safe words, I know that it is not the case for every spanker like that. Yes, I knew I was taking a risk, and accepted the consequences. Having said that, I had spent years talking to my now retired long-term spanker before I ever saw her to have her spank me.

Things I would do differently:

While my long term spanker was able to make me feel that other than my butt (and maybe thighs) would be safe without a safe word, I check what any potential spanker's safety "guarantee" for the spankee is. I have, since my spanker retired, seen a spanker who does use safe words, and I have never given her mine, nor has either of the two spankings she gave me made me get to the point where I would.

In addition to the safe word, add a safe call with someone who knows about my kink. This includes many of my friends, and now includes my sister and brother-in-law.

Meet in a public place for the first in person meeting. While going straight to the spanking afterword worked for me, it is generally advised to do a no spanking public meet first.

Made my appointment for my first adult spanking earlier.

My remaining advice is that if anything brings up red flags, pay attention to those flags, don't ignore them.

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Hi @jennyjen! Welcome to SN! We appreciate sincere members, so thank you for being vulnerable and sharing with us your struggles. It is nice to meet you. 

@danadares said it so concisely with his wisdom and insightful advice. I'm in complete agreement about keeping it casual and going slow. Set high standards about what you will and will not accept, and stick to them. This not only weeds out those with lower intentions, but it makes you more valuable to potential partners, as well.

You may want to converse (privately) with a few, or with several, such potential partners, all during the same timeframe. This makes the weeding-out process more efficient than befriending one person at a time. It has been my experience that sincere people are generally more willing to put in the work required to build a solid friendship. There is no fast-track to this. It takes time, with numerous conversations and lots of sharing back and forth. It's akin to peeling an onion, layer after layer, and eventually reaching the bulb, the core of who that person is.

Watch for inconsistencies in people's stories, as this would indicate a waving red flag. Dishonesty should be a deal-breaker for you. Also watch out for domineering behavior from potential ERs, showing too much sadism or need for power. Tops are perfectly capable of taking control without being jerks. Some tops do a real number on their submissive's mental health. You don't want to get messed up by a bully like this, so choose someone who is kind, even if they are still learning. A good heart and willingness to honor your needs are more valuable than an experienced top who is stubbornly set in his/her ways.

In my 2-1/2 years on SN, I have corresponded with a large number of people here. Some came and went. Some remain dear friends to this day. In fact, it may give you hope to learn that a few of my best friends in life are SN members. But there were disappointments along the way, so don't feel disheartened when this happens. It probably will, and that doesn't signify failure. You may not be right for one person, but will be the dream-girl for someone else. 

You said, "I feel deeply, care deeply, connect deeply and can expect nothing less from the person I am giving this ultimate trust to." As a highly-sensitive person myself, I so, SO relate to this! Here's my tip: Guard your heart. Remember that YOU are this way, but not everyone else is. So don't give this part of yourself away too freely, or you're asking to get stomped on. When sensitive people get hurt, it takes longer for us to heal, and each time this happens, it becomes harder to put ourselves out there again. So guard this deeper part of yourself, and give it only to a partner who is also sensitive, who has earned this level of trust from you. 

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Excellent advice, Chawsee.

Another thing to look out for is where a potential partner's focus is. Are they interested enough in you, getting to know you and what you are looking for? Or are they mostly talking about their fantasies and desires, or what they want from you in that regard? You can weed out many before anything gets too personal.

With the online friends I've made, it started as just a shared interest in the subject we love to talk about, no other ambitions, and eventually we got to know each other better. It doesn't happen often but, sometimes when not looking for something, something happens. However, for those needing a serious committed relationship, you would probably be best served to make spanking a secondary topic.

 

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23 hours ago, danadares said:

Excellent advice, Chawsee.

Another thing to look out for is where a potential partner's focus is. Are they interested enough in you, getting to know you and what you are looking for? Or are they mostly talking about their fantasies and desires, or what they want from you in that regard? You can weed out many before anything gets too personal.

With the online friends I've made, it started as just a shared interest in the subject we love to talk about, no other ambitions, and eventually we got to know each other better. It doesn't happen often but, sometimes when not looking for something, something happens. However, for those needing a serious committed relationship, you would probably be best served to make spanking a secondary topic.

Terrific point, Danadares, about paying attention to where a potential partner's focus is. You are appreciated for sharing this. 

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On 9/25/2022 at 3:15 PM, Chawsee said:

Guard your heart. Remember that YOU are this way, but not everyone else is. So don't give this part of yourself away too freely, or you're asking to get stomped on.

Great advice, and brings to mind that the issue of "safety" doesn't just apply to physical interactions.  I haven't been active here for a while, but have written in the past about the catastrophic emotional damage a number of us experienced a few years back when we were drawn in emotionally, and then abused by finding out the person we were tangled up with was fictional.   By her post, @jennyjen sounds like a self-described Idealist, someone who trusts easily and easily believes the best in people.  I am a charter member of that club myself.  What I share with people like myself is to imagine that we each have a few copies of a secret key to our inner hearts.  It's our responsibility to be very careful and methodical about who we choose to give one of those special keys to because anyone with admission will be able to both hurt and help us.  We also have the power and responsibility to "take back the key" if someone chooses to abuse the privilege we've granted.

One last thought I have not seen mentioned here yet (and things may have changed here) but personal referrals based on in-person experiences are also a great way to add a degree of assurance.  A while back I did a post on "Who Knows Who" to help with that.  If you have a friend you have actually met in real life, and that person has played with someone they like, trust and would recommend - then that's a pretty solid referral.  For example, I have never met Ms Mary, but I have several close "real-life" friends who I have met who have been under her paddles - that makes Ms Mary very credible for me.  It's not to say that someone else is not, it's just another layer of investigation to consider.

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On 9/24/2022 at 10:17 PM, jennyjen said:

First question: how on Earth do you “weed out” real intentions vs nefarious or bs ones? I’ve had people attempt to chat with me and things go well at first and then seem to take a turn in an opposite direction.
 

Help? Suggestions? Advice? Please…

#1. "cart before the horse". Don't expect or anticipate what's not there [or not there yet] to begin with. It's extremely easy to get wrapped up into "text" and forget where you actually are. But "Text on a screen" is all that it is, at this point. Don't forget that This is "The Internet".  You are comming with a text only. And also a Complete Stranger. There is No possible Clue as to who [or What] is on the other side, and what their intentions might be.  Texting is way more challenging than, lets say, walking into a nightclub, a personal/public setting. You wouldn't interact to A Complete Stranger with No Apprehensions or No Safeguards, etc,  would you?  Proceed Only with Precaution.

Edited by MrBottoms
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On 9/28/2022 at 12:48 PM, DunBenSpanked said:

Great advice, and brings to mind that the issue of "safety" doesn't just apply to physical interactions.  I haven't been active here for a while, but have written in the past about the catastrophic emotional damage a number of us experienced a few years back when we were drawn in emotionally, and then abused by finding out the person we were tangled up with was fictional.   

Yikes! :o

On 9/28/2022 at 12:48 PM, DunBenSpanked said:

What I share with people like myself is to imagine that we each have a few copies of a secret key to our inner hearts.  It's our responsibility to be very careful and methodical about who we choose to give one of those special keys to because anyone with admission will be able to both hurt and help us.  We also have the power and responsibility to "take back the key" if someone chooses to abuse the privilege we've granted.

I like this image.

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You've had good advice from a number of experienced members.  As a male spanker of women perhaps you can appreciate this view: The crucial element is, of course, trust, and that can only be built up through several (written) conversations.  I'd avoid someone who appears too mild as well as someone who appears too severe.  But in essence, the answer to your questions comes down to who can make you feel disciplined, who can make you feel under his or her authority while quietly expressing the trust that you seek.  Remember, the feeling inside that you are being disciplined is what you are looking for; the sting on your backside is only a tool toward that end.  And, of course, the good thing about online discipline is that you can always walk away if it seems too severe or dangerous.  Good luck.

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@DunBenSpanked, I have read and re-read your post so many times and cannot thank you enough for such kind understanding and incredible words of wisdom. I absolutely love the keys imagery and that is a wonderful way of looking at emotional safety. Yes, I’m an idealist, and when I trust, I trust and give wholeheartedly. I tend to believe that people think and feel as I do even when I know not all people do. 
 

I also appreciate the advice of “who you know”. 
 

i admit, I took a small break from the site recently because of some bad experiences in even very guarded (on my end) conversations. I don’t like feeling “icky” and walked away feeling that way too often. I don’t expect to meet anyone right away or instantly know. I know trust and connection take time, but to build that, conversation needs to take place and the frustration of feeling used in a simple conversation is disheartening, at best. Thank you again. I truly and wholeheartedly appreciate it. 

On 9/28/2022 at 1:48 PM, DunBenSpanked said:

Great advice, and brings to mind that the issue of "safety" doesn't just apply to physical interactions.  I haven't been active here for a while, but have written in the past about the catastrophic emotional damage a number of us experienced a few years back when we were drawn in emotionally, and then abused by finding out the person we were tangled up with was fictional.   By her post, @jennyjen sounds like a self-described Idealist, someone who trusts easily and easily believes the best in people.  I am a charter member of that club myself.  What I share with people like myself is to imagine that we each have a few copies of a secret key to our inner hearts.  It's our responsibility to be very careful and methodical about who we choose to give one of those special keys to because anyone with admission will be able to both hurt and help us.  We also have the power and responsibility to "take back the key" if someone chooses to abuse the privilege we've granted.

One last thought I have not seen mentioned here yet (and things may have changed here) but personal referrals based on in-person experiences are also a great way to add a degree of assurance.  A while back I did a post on "Who Knows Who" to help with that.  If you have a friend you have actually met in real life, and that person has played with someone they like, trust and would recommend - then that's a pretty solid referral.  For example, I have never met Ms Mary, but I have several close "real-life" friends who I have met who have been under her paddles - that makes Ms Mary very credible for me.  It's not to say that someone else is not, it's just another layer of investigation to consider.

 

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21 hours ago, jennyjen said:

@Chawsee, @danadares, and @MrBottoms: I have read many of your posts as I’ve perused the site and appreciate your words of wisdom immensely. While I am a strong, independent woman, I feel like a proverbial child navigating this world and look up to those of you who have much more experience than myself. Thank you. Truly. 

It's Official. You-are-Normal. Everyone has had a starting point. Now, proceed with caution.

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On 10/7/2022 at 12:11 AM, jennyjen said:

@DunBenSpanked, I have read and re-read your post so many times and cannot thank you enough for such kind understanding and incredible words of wisdom. I absolutely love the keys imagery and that is a wonderful way of looking at emotional safety. Yes, I’m an idealist, and when I trust, I trust and give wholeheartedly. I tend to believe that people think and feel as I do even when I know not all people do. 
 

I also appreciate the advice of “who you know”. 
 

i admit, I took a small break from the site recently because of some bad experiences in even very guarded (on my end) conversations. I don’t like feeling “icky” and walked away feeling that way too often. I don’t expect to meet anyone right away or instantly know. I know trust and connection take time, but to build that, conversation needs to take place and the frustration of feeling used in a simple conversation is disheartening, at best. Thank you again. I truly and wholeheartedly appreciate it. 

 

yeah I've had some 'icky' conversations on here too...I'm not sure why some people need to do that... :( but it's worth it to keep trying...there are some nice, sincere people on here too for sure :)

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