Jump to content
Create New...

Partner not into Spanking anymore


Recommended Posts

Hi I am new to this site.

My partner of 12 years is not into the dominant role anymore or spanking me anymore, though he is against me seeking it outside the relationship, probably because, this is what brought us together.

It's not fair to expect me to change just because he has.  He is older and I understand that but I crave this all the time.  I have gone out and gotten myself spanked without his knowledge, which was fine even though I felt a little guilty, but the dynamic of a friendship or relationship was missing from the spanking.  I love when someone wants to spank me to help me, make me better, someone who knows I know better. 

Also, like others on this site, I am only looking for spanking and other forms of discipline, so it's hard to locate, some say they understand but do not really understand, even the need to be spanked.

I have been awful lately,  might get suspended from graduate school for not being so nice, not nice to my partner and always blaming him for everything going wrong, and just plainly a brat.  I have actually thought of buying a spanking machine though when I brought it up he said no.  

Any suggestions would be appreciated, even the type of spanking machine to buy. 

 

 

Link to comment

I think you have a lot to work through here, and I am sorry that you have this trouble in your life right now. I know what you mean about people changing on you and it's hard to deal with. Just sending you good vibes and support. I hope it gets better for you.

Really, he should not be able to tell you what to do with your money in any case.

Link to comment

Hi there,

A few thoughts come to mind, which I hope are helpful:

First, you have said you crave spankings, which suggests a need that is beyond specific contexts or circumstances, but you have also said that you want him to be dominant and for you to be disciplined when you misbehave. Some might see those two positions  as a little contradictory. I don’t, but I do think you need to be clear about what it is that motivates you to want to be spanked. If you aren’t clear about what you want and need, either in general or at a particular moment , then maybe your partner isn’t going to be either. 

Second, and related, I think you and he might not see spanking in the same light. For him it should be more of an experience than just meeting your needs. He needs to get something from it too, If that is the case, then you might want to consider, from what you know of him, making your  demands for spankings at times more like seductions or roleplays or similar, rather than focusing it primariy on you and your needs. After all, by now he would already be well aware of what you would be looking for.

Third, and related to the second point, I think seeing him as having changed and then resenting that you are being put in a position of having to change yourself might be a too extreme way of looking at it, particularly as being spanked is something that clearly is essential to you. His views may have developed for whatever reason but, unless he has been spanking you under sufferance for twelve years, in which case both he and you have been operating under false pretences, then there is still something  there. It just might need to be approached in a different way.

Finally, by all means punish yourself in whatever way is going to help you get more grounded but please don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. Being a brat is one thing, but surreptitiously meeting someone to get spanked without your partner’s knowledge is going to become problematic sooner or later, and messing up your graduate school in an effort to get spanked is going a long way past what you need to do to get the resolution you seek.

 

 

  • Like 3
Link to comment

I have no solutions to offer you, only sympathy. 
 

People must take their journeys and sometimes change is temporary, sometimes it is long lasting. ideally, as partners, we help each other grow and change with each other. It doesn’t always work that way. 
 

i know why my husband stopped spanking me. I hate it, but it is what is best for him. He was never into it, but for 20 years he did it because of his love for me, and because he liked to turn me on. So now it it’s up to me as his partner to support him in a loving way and accept that he can’t anymore.

so way do I do about my need? I’m still working that out. Which is why you have my sympathy. I understand how hard it is to do without.

i don’t like giving advice because everyone is so different, but I guess the only suggestion I could make would be to keep working it out with him using the best communication methods you know. Be loving and seek to understand as much as to be understood.

  • Like 4
Link to comment

I don't know anything about spanking machines, Robospanker is the only one I have seen online. I can't imagine why your partner think's he has the right to tell you whether you can buy a spanking machine. I think going outside of the relationship for spanking is risky if he is not on board with it. If you end up with marks, how are you going to explain them? You can only say you fell down the stairs so many times.

7 hours ago, Crimson said:

I have been awful lately,  might get suspended from graduate school for not being so nice, not nice to my partner and always blaming him for everything going wrong, and just plainly a brat.

This is not healthy and it is obviously leading to resentment. If this is a strong need for you, at some point if you can't work something out with him you may have to reassess the value of the relationship.

  • Like 2
Link to comment

I did not get in trouble at school on purpose trying to get a spanking.  I was upset when an instructor refused to read the paper that I was graded on and have a proper discussion with me regarding what specifically I did incorrectly.  Then I tried to escalate this situation I kept hitting a brick wall with no one to this day willing to speak to be on the paper.  Nor could I speak to the administration, but I was called on to discuss my poor behavior at being upset!!  An instructor by definition is supposed to teach so not being willing to tell me what I did wrong or teach me is what I found unacceptable.  I can be quite irate at times but this time I felt I was in the right. 

Sorry, it's a sore subject and I spent a lot of money on it. 

I do love him, but sometimes I cannot handle it. I am wired this way and it took me till very late in life for me to accept myself.  This was prior to our meeting and in my mid-40s. 

I thought there was something wrong with me, I had no idea there were others who thought like me so I was so happy to find a community that understood my desires. 

I always ask him permission even though it is my money.  I guess I like to pretend he is in charge and making the decision.  It's what I want from him.

I guess I need to find another desire and let this one go.  

Thanks for the advice.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

You saying you are wired this way tells me everything about your happiness. I would (as a fellow spanko) NEVER stay in a relationship where my spankings needs weren't getting met. I would be miserable and I wouldn't tolerate it.

 

It's not fair that he pulled a sudden switch on you like this (unless the reason is outside of his control such as medical), and you definitely shouldn't tolerate it.

 

That being said I wouldn't suggest you cheat on him by going outside of the relationship without his approval either. The fact that you are willing to go to such lengths, the fact that you are wired for spanking should tell you something about how you feel about your relationship currently.

 

I urge you to sit down with him and explain again your needs and that you are willing to go to any lengths to get them met including ending the relationship. I am sure you love him, but that love can easily turn into resentment at being trapped and unhappy. Life is too short for that.

I wish you the best of luck.

Link to comment
On 7/28/2022 at 12:08 PM, Crimson said:

 

I always ask him permission even though it is my money.  I guess I like to pretend he is in charge and making the decision.  It's what I want from him.

 

That's it, exactly: you're caught up in your fantasy. But as it is, your reality doesn't match your fantasy.

It sounds like your partner doesn't share your fantasy. If he ever did, perhaps it wasn't as deep a fantasy for him. Perhaps he's moved on from it. Or perhaps your fantasy was never his, he got something else out of it when he spanked you.

 

On 7/28/2022 at 12:08 PM, Crimson said:

I did not get in trouble at school on purpose trying to get a spanking.  I was upset when an instructor refused to read the paper that I was graded on and have a proper discussion with me regarding what specifically I did incorrectly.  Then I tried to escalate this situation I kept hitting a brick wall with no one to this day willing to speak to be on the paper.  Nor could I speak to the administration, but I was called on to discuss my poor behavior at being upset!!  An instructor by definition is supposed to teach so not being willing to tell me what I did wrong or teach me is what I found unacceptable.  I can be quite irate at times but this time I felt I was in the right. 

Sorry, it's a sore subject and I spent a lot of money on it. 

This is a separate issue from your desire for spanking. The way you've described your situation, it sounds to me like you're holding onto a very common spanko bottom's fantasy: "I'm wrecking my life, I can't control myself, but if only someone would take charge and spank me, I'd stop wrecking my life and I'd have it all under control."

In reality, if you are in fact wrecking your life, being spanked isn't going to change that. Maybe, if you're really caught up in that fantasy, you would only give yourself permission to stop wrecking your life if you got spanked... but it's still your decision.

This problem you're having with school is neither here nor there. It doesn't sound like deliberate life wrecking on your part, but neither is it something that would change just because you got spanked, if you got spanked. Maybe being spanked would help you feel better, but it wouldn't change the situation.

At the end of the day, spanking is a need if you're wired for it, and it's a need you're not getting met right now, but it's not the be all and end all. You also have other needs. Including a need to manage your own life, in whatever way works best for you. 

  • Like 3
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment

My heart goes out to you. I hope you are able to find a fulfilling resolution that is also OK with your husband. I confess, I fear such happening one day with my husband. I see no signs, but I know he is so caring, I fear one day he might reach the conclusion our dynamic is no longer "healthy" for me. I constantly assure him...how very much I "need" his discipline and dominance...like air to breath and water to drink.

I pray the eyes of your husband's heart might be opened to your needs....and perhaps find a way to continue showing his love of you in  the ways you need...even if you have to get the spanking need fulfilled with help....I pray he can support none the less.

I believe..for me...if my husband should ever lose interest in continuing our spanking dynamic...I "think"...albeit not 100% sure, having not been there...I would continue as his wife on those terms. For better or worse...but I know there would be a void for me for a long time, and I imagine the transition for me would be hugely challenging and difficult.

I really wish you the best sweetie.

  • Like 1
Link to comment

I'm with you, Nicole, on the for better or worse thing. And while my marriage has seen a lot of the "for worse" days, they've always gotten back to the "for better." Things change, people change, situations change. No one stays the same forever. 

Do I wish my husband would still spank me? Yup, sure do. But I don't want him to do something that is bad for him. 

Having a partner change in a way you dislike really sucks. But then, in my case, losing my partner would suck even more. I don't love him because he spanked me. I love him, unconditionally for who he is. And he does the same for me.

  • Like 5
Link to comment

Think of all the wonderful things about your marriage and your partner, and your commitment. Don't throw that away. As you peruse the forum topics and chat, you will see that many of us are in vanilla relationships. The relationship is worth much more than the spanking, even though it leaves an unaswered need.

  • Like 2
Link to comment

I don't see any mention of commitment, as in marital. Things [relationships] do change. So, what's keeping you from moving on. He's the one who changed. You're under no obligation to stay & thus follow the change.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Write what you are looking for and press enter or click the search icon to begin your search