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Submissiveness in a Spankee


brittygirl

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Brought from chat:

For all the spankees here, what is your level of submission like? Are you a natural submissive? Are you a play submissive (only in scenes or the bedroom), or are you neither and just like the idea of it? How did you come to figure out your submission or lack thereof? 

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So for me, I'm actually really dominant (I work in management as well as various other leadership positions) and generally am viewed as the "decision maker". The reason why I'm attracted to being a submissive is a power control dynamic, like especially when someone takes that from me and "puts me in my place" so to speak. 

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I would say I’m neither, which will not be a surprise to anyone who read the other things I post.  I tried being a sub when I was in college, because I didn’t realize just being a spankee was an option. I don’t want to be told what to do. I want to mutually agree upon rules and accept consequences when I miss the mark. I am also in a high up position and have a lot of balls in the air, so to speak. Having someone checking in on me daily and making sure I’m taking care of myself makes be a better human. I can submit to punishment, but that’s it. That’s the only time I will “Sir” also. 

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8 hours ago, Bramblewine said:

Me, not at all. I was very surprised, when I posted a topic about it, to find that the majority of spankees who responded don't identify as submissive either.

 

 https://www.spankingneeds.com/board/index.php?/topic/27001-spankee-but-not-submissive/

 

 

I agree with this! I find the whole thing fascinating. By definition, submitting to a spanking seems like it would make you the “submissive,” maybe unless you identify as a brat and make it hard. In the power dynamic, the one who’d be spanked would be considered the submissive partner, right? Since you are “submitting” to be spanked or disciplined. But it actually seems to have sooo many facets and layers! I like to learn about this sort of thing.

 

I do not consider myself submissive in any way in normal life. I make a vast majority of decisions, take care of the house, do all the appointments and a lot of the budgeting. I am a feminist at heart and not at all religious. But in bed? I am submissive. I enjoy being dominated by my husband and I love to fantasize about him bringing DD to our relationship successfully. But I have no desire to “be submissive,” which would make that sort of an oxymoron.

 

Im also surprised by the amount of male EE’s here and what brought them to the realization they desire to be spanked or dominated by their partners when we live in such a Patriarchal society! I almost feel like they outnumber female spankees here sometimes. It’s all really interesting to me. 

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1 hour ago, Itsonl7633 said:

I am both pretty much although there are times usually lean towards more dominant for a while then back to neutral then other times move in other direction.  

In the latter situation it would be great if there were well placed pair of knees close by so I can get a helping hand lol 😁 

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I'm actually really glad to come across these kinds of conversations happening! As someone who is new in the community and online forums, this is something I have been debating in my thoughts a lot recently. For as long as I can remember, I've been interested in spanking, but I have also always considered myself a feminist and it's nice to feel like I'm not the only EE who considers themself not submissive.

Personally, I have come to the conclusion that I hate the term "submissive" being applied to me. While I enjoy the idea of a DD dynamic through funishments or asking for them by bratting (within limits, of course), I am (for the most part), a fully functional adult human being. I have daily responsibilities that I am more than capable of handling on my own, and I don't want to have to slack off on those responsibilities to "earn" a punishment. That being said, if I were to enter into that kind of relationship with an ER and actually broke any mutually agreed upon rules, I wouldn't have any problem taking any mutually agreed upon punishment.

I have full respect for anybody who might consider themself a submissive person, and considering themself submissive does not mean they are not a fully functional adult human, I just personally object to having the term applied to me solely because I identify as a bottom!

Edited by OutlawMeg
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5 hours ago, OutlawMeg said:

I'm actually really glad to come across these kinds of conversations happening! As someone who is new in the community and online forums, this is something I have been debating in my thoughts a lot recently. For as long as I can remember, I've been interested in spanking, but I have also always considered myself a feminist and it's nice to feel like I'm not the only EE who considers themself not submissive.

Personally, I have come to the conclusion that I hate the term "submissive" being applied to me. While I enjoy the idea of a DD dynamic through funishments or asking for them by bratting (within limits, of course), I am (for the most part), a fully functional adult human being. I have daily responsibilities that I am more than capable of handling on my own, and I don't want to have to slack off on those responsibilities to "earn" a punishment. That being said, if I were to enter into that kind of relationship with an ER and actually broke any mutually agreed upon rules, I wouldn't have any problem taking any mutually agreed upon punishment.

I have full respect for anybody who might consider themself a submissive person, and considering themself submissive does not mean they are not a fully functional adult human, I just personally object to having the term applied to me solely because I identify as a bottom!

This is precisely my thoughts on it too, Meg! Welcome to the site!

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While I envisage myself as being submissive to my future partner, I am not thinking about submission by force or authority or discipline. I would be submissive because I want to be and not because I would be coerced or spanked otherwise. It also depends on the definition of submission. In my mind, I think of it has doing nice things for my partner, putting her needs ahead of my own, and trying to make things smoother at home in whatever ways I can. Ironically, if I were forced to be submissive or if there were some sort of disciplinary repercussions associated with it, I would hate it. So for me, submission is not 24/7 and definitely not something that can be demanded from me...but my nature is to be quite submissive to her naturally and as long it happens organically because of my choice to be so, I think it's the ideal relationship dynamic for me.

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I am not naturally submissive, but I will sometimes play that role. In my daily life, I am in a leadership role and relatively dominant in all things. But, in spanking... I am a bottom and that is all I ever want to be. I like to be sassy, but I also enjoy the shift from sassy to well-spanked.

The reality is that spanking, for me, is not about submitting. At some point in my life, I wanted to be dominated by my partners. But, now - I just enjoy being spanked because I love it. Sometimes those spankings have a Dom/sub flavor that I find thrilling. I also think I look nice in cuffs and a collar. 😉 So, any type of submissiveness is really an act on my part. I am married to a natural Dominant and most of my spanking partners have been the same. 

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22 hours ago, boy_otk said:

While I envisage myself as being submissive to my future partner, I am not thinking about submission by force or authority or discipline. I would be submissive because I want to be and not because I would be coerced or spanked otherwise. It also depends on the definition of submission. In my mind, I think of it has doing nice things for my partner, putting her needs ahead of my own, and trying to make things smoother at home in whatever ways I can. Ironically, if I were forced to be submissive or if there were some sort of disciplinary repercussions associated with it, I would hate it. So for me, submission is not 24/7 and definitely not something that can be demanded from me...but my nature is to be quite submissive to her naturally and as long it happens organically because of my choice to be so, I think it's the ideal relationship dynamic for me.

Another great insight from you, boy_otk. I agree that submission, when given freely by the spankee from a place of caring and affection, is a beautiful gift to be cherished by the dominant. But if submission is forced, there is nothing kind, generous, or loving about it. 

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On 2/20/2022 at 12:31 AM, boy_otk said:

While I envisage myself as being submissive to my future partner, I am not thinking about submission by force or authority or discipline. I would be submissive because I want to be and not because I would be coerced or spanked otherwise. It also depends on the definition of submission. In my mind, I think of it has doing nice things for my partner, putting her needs ahead of my own, and trying to make things smoother at home in whatever ways I can. Ironically, if I were forced to be submissive or if there were some sort of disciplinary repercussions associated with it, I would hate it. So for me, submission is not 24/7 and definitely not something that can be demanded from me...but my nature is to be quite submissive to her naturally and as long it happens organically because of my choice to be so, I think it's the ideal relationship dynamic for me.

I think you have some good points in here too, boy_otk! The more I am thinking about this topic, the more complicated and jumbled everything gets in my mind.

I have a very strong knee-jerk reaction to object to being called "submissive" even though in a disciplinary dynamic (which I am interested in), I would inherently be playing a more submissive role. But even in that type of dynamic, I think your point about being forced to be submissive applies. The reason I would be playing that role is because it is what I want, not because I am being forced, and even if there are disciplinary repercussions, I would always want the option to safe word and thus feel like I am in control of the situation.

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I've know about being a spanko (and spankee) much longer than I even knew what Dom/sub was; however, I think I adopted the role of sub (when I was 16) earlier than spankee (when I was 18.) My boyfriend and I are in a D/s, DD relationship, using spanking as punishment mostly. I'm very submissive in the dynamic and he's only dominant, but more of a soft Dom, but we definitely both acknowledge those roles rather than just ER/ee.

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On 2/19/2022 at 10:31 PM, boy_otk said:

I am not thinking about submission by force or authority or discipline. I would be submissive because I want to be and not because I would be coerced or spanked otherwise.

Thank you! my daily maintenance spankings are used to help *keep* my attitude sweet and submissive, but not to *cause* it to be that way. i am naturally submissive, a good match to my Dom Husband. There is no coercion with the spankings. Other kinds of punishment are corrective rather than coercive.

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Maybe it's that the word "submissive", even if it accurately describes the role, comes loaded with certain stereotypes that don't fit with our own attitudes or experiences.

 

To me, "submissive" conjures this image of degradation, or bowing and scraping before one's superior - and that's not to kink-shame, I get the appeal! But we spankos are a many-splendored lot and the word "submissive" just feels reductive. Myself, I would identify as a "bottom" in general, and a "brat" in my relationship.

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4 hours ago, RossCaliban said:

Maybe it's that the word "submissive", even if it accurately describes the role, comes loaded with certain stereotypes that don't fit with our own attitudes or experiences.

 

To me, "submissive" conjures this image of degradation, or bowing and scraping before one's superior - and that's not to kink-shame, I get the appeal! But we spankos are a many-splendored lot and the word "submissive" just feels reductive. Myself, I would identify as a "bottom" in general, and a "brat" in my relationship.

I think for me, “submission” comes with a lot of loaded religious connotations and so the word doesn’t feel right. I grew up in a super conservative church that had strong views on women, so that word…it took me a long time to get around it.

 

However, submissive is also hugely used in the BDSM community, so that has helped me embrace it more. There are so many different genders and sexualities who identify as the submissive partner which has helped me break my own stereotype of the word. It’s not a bad word by any means, and for me? It relates a lot to my sexuality but NOT to my personality.

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  • 1 month later...

In every day life, I am actually pretty dominant. I express my opinion with authority and at work people generally listen to me and do what I advise them to. I work in a position that has a lot of responsibility and pressure, sometimes requiring split-second decisions in a crisis. Even management has to take my position into account and I hold my ground against anyone in a discussion. So no, I would not consider myself a natural submissive.

However, with the right person, I can give them my submission. When that person tells me to do something, I do it. When that person decides I need to be punished, I accept their decision. Of course I have limits which need to be respected but within those limits, that person would be in control. I would consider myself submissive to that person in such a context.

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  • 4 months later...

I don't identify as dominant or submissive, and I don't think of spanking as domination and submission. For me it is about authority and the power to impose discipline. I learned about spanking as discipline growing up, and parents/school officials were not Dom(me)s, they were authority figures. I (and my peers) were not subs, we simply were required to respect and yield to authority. What attracts me to DD and consensual adult discipline relationships is how it sets up to be that kind of regime, where we live under a model of the conditions I grew up with. It's a nurturing discipline, a wielding of power, and submission involved in the ritual of spanking as punishment. The most attractive and exciting dynamic to me is when the one submitting is not submissive.

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I feel I am a 100% submissive to my husband...in terms of my desire to be so...but there remains within me the challenge of resisting pushing back against authority and rules and such, and THAT is why I also need absolutely discipline and training on going. So...my submissive desire and I think "nature"....is able to be fulfilled by his strength of authority in a very firm but loving way. I guess another way of putting it...is...I would never surrender to his discipline and training if there was not a "natural" craving and need to do so. All that to say...I never acknowledged or recognized this within me until I was 25 and had experienced the results of me living totally without submission and discipline. For me, submission and discipline go hand in hand

Fo

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