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Spanking in times of grief


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not sure if this is the right forum board, apologies if I messed this up.


So, I have been gone for a while due to real life circumstances becoming a hectic rollercoaster taking me from joyful highs to sad lows. 
as some of you know, I am married, submissive to my husband and he spanks me when deserved, needed or just because. Not really a label there.

I thought to ask for input here as obviously TTWD is not easily shared with real life friends. 


I lost a beloved family member recently and had not really a chance to say goodbye to him. It is now 3 weeks ago and while my outbursts with sobbing have diminished some, I feel like I am walking around in a fog. My husband is great, gives me more space and grace than usual, yet he still gives consistency and is my safe space. He doesn’t hesitate to address things or spank me when deserved.

my question is this: how do you guys deal with spanking in times of grief? Do they happen like normal, differently or not at all? I am fully aware that a spanking will not quickly fix my grief but I am also aware that spankings can be therapeutic, provide a release of emotions etc.

I just feel very lethargic, no motivation to get things done and I have noticed that sometimes a quick session with stinging swats has helped me to get through the day and those sessions can be kind of motivational or helpful.

I don’t know, obviously there is not one fits all solution but I am interested to read different perspectives.

 

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First and foremost:  you do you. 

And it would seem like you already have a good idea of how you emotionally respond to spanking, so all I can offer you is my own experience and you may take it for what it is.

Spanking for me is a magnifier.  Whatever I am feeling and wherever my head is at a particular moment is where spanking is going to send me.  A lot harder than I already was.  For that reason, if I'm already feeling strong emotions like grief I tend to be cautious about spanking.  At the very least, I warn my wife that I am concerned and she'll usually go pretty lightly on me.

All that said, I too find that spanking can be a release, but mostly in cases where I'm angry or embarrassed.  Those are emotions I want to be pulled away or distracted from.  Spanking helps in those cases.  But I don't think grief would work quite the same way for me.

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I can only speak from personal experience here, as everyone, and every situation is different...

However for me, the one thing I've learned is those feelings of grief just have to be felt and processed and worked through, and there is no "quick fix" , they cannot be ignored or shoved away, that entire process cannot just be skipped... Only after everything is felt in it's full heavy entirety can healing really begin.... and that process takes some time because those feelings are so big...

.... Having said that...   I went through a period of some extreme emotions and grief awhile back, a beloved disciplinarian of mine had passed away, a friend of mine had taken her life, I had some extreme life changes and things were just a bit much for me... I had also withdrawn quite a bit socially.

Without a disciplinarian, my husband at the time went back to providing the spankings until I found another, (This was about 10 years ago) and I did notice that the spankings I needed, and the effects they had on me were vastly different during the time period where I was still grieving...

During that time period, the quick, fast, "on your toes" type of spankings did not work for me at all... Whereas normally I would love being kept on my toes, I found myself "shutting down" and in that fog more often...   

Any harsh, abrupt spankings, would not actually help me focus, it would actually add to those feelings of overwhelm, and 9/10 times I was so shut down, I didn't even **feel** those spankings! My husband had quickly picked up on this, and whereas he has always preferred to spank me hard and fast, that was ineffective here...

Instead..... I actually needed the opposite, my problem was the shutting down, and keeping that wall up, I needed those floodgates opened, I needed to feel open and vulnerable to get all the tears out.... and not just the ones that were leaking out through the day, but all the heavy heavy ones...

.... But that couldn't happen as long as I was in that "mode"

.....So at the time, my husbands patience with me had increased, no longer were they fast, like just sitting there, in position, bent over and a little extra "pause" before the spanking actually did more than any increase in intensity...

I needed the feeling of safety and vulnerability.... and surprisingly when the spankings slowed down, when there was more pauses, when there was more aftercare..... When the spankings had even decreased in intensity....   That was where most of the tears came, and just being in position for a spanking, just that entire setup was enough.... I needed less pain, but more vulnerability.

This was weird to me, because I've always preferred some crazy intense spankings, much more severe than a lot of spankers are willing to give....  So for me to actually feel like I needed softer and slower spankings, that was a pretty major contrast.....

And it surprised my husband as well, but fortunately he offered this and picked up on it quickly with me....

Eventually the grief started to subside and I would go back to the regular spankings I had been used to before, of greater intensity, but during that one period of time, things had changed....

And I do feel it helped my feelings of grief some... I've been learning to "feel my feelings" and while I've made a ton of progress, back then I had a hard time with it, the spankings kind of facilitated a way in which I could let down my guard and get all of them out safely....

 

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It sounds like you have a good handle on what works for you during times of grief. Each individual will be different.

I too am grieving right now. I recently lost someone very close to me....the last of a generation. My family is gone now except for my brother and I and our children. I'm having a very hard time dealing with it. I can't really cry, I haven't come to terms with it. I just can't process it yet. I am going through many of the things you mentioned.

Spanking has helped me with grief in the past, but I need things a certain way.  A quick, fast, hard spanking would tip me over the edge. I would be frustrated and angry. It would make things worse for me. I couldn't be spanked by a random Mentor, etc. It would have to be someone I am emotionally attacked to. My boyfriend.   I would need comfort and love along with spanking. Laying across his lap over the bed, starting out rubbing my bottom along with light spanking. Slow spanking ramping up periodically. A long, slow drawn out process. A process that would help me let go. It wouldn't miraculously fix everything, but it would help me to begin to get in touch with my feelings. It would take me to a different level and help me to get out of my head.  If nothing else, it would give me feelings of love and security and I think that's what I need the most right now.

Anyway, this is what I would need while grieving. 

 

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Thank you guys for your input. I really appreciate it.

@cat627I get what you’re saying. I have noticed as well that what I need out of a spanking is totally different now. And actually my husband noticed that earlier than I did. What I thought I wanted and what I actually needed were quite different. Normally like you I needed the spankings harder and more intense and my husband just putting me over his knee and giving a hand spanking just undid me lately. Thank you for sharing your story

@shygurlI am sorry for your loss! I appreciate you responding to my post and sharing your past experiences. I understand your point about fast hard spankings. My husband made it actually more a quick fluffy hard (if that’s a term) just before work just to help me get up but definitely not go hard or severe. In other times I would have called it playful but it doesn’t fit the situation. What has been great is just him taking care of me and like you said love and security. It is all about refinding the emotional connection in the end I think. Thank you for sharing in what is super hard time for you!

@LauraAnne67you bring up a good point in communicating where your head is at. Absolutely crucial. Thank you

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And Shy, my husband does those drawnout sessions as well, actually those are right now what I crave the most. I am grateful for my husband and I am glad to hear you have your boyfriend to see you and to be present with you! Sending you hugs!

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