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Sad as ER may be leaving for an extended period!


Naomi

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Hi guys - so I am in a bit of a crisis mode because I learned over the weekend that there is strong possibility that my ER may be heading away on secondment for 6 months. Our arrangement has been working for me and having discipline in my life has made a huge difference for me - I've progressed in lots of areas. I am now worried about regressing and what things are going to be like with him gone for at least 6 months. I can't fly to the US when I need to be punished.
 
Any of you guys have experience of this happening?
 
I don't know how I can keep spanking in my life while he's gone. I think I was incredibly lucky to find someone to do this within an existing friendship where there is loads of trust. I am struggling to see how i could replicate that or find it again.
 
I've read up on self-spanking but it's not something I've ever tried or seriously contemplated - I don't see how it would work because I really don't like pain and think I have to have someone else administer it.  The idea also feels quite weird to me. Can this ever really work as an alternative?
 
One thing I've thought about (actually my ER floated it) is a looking for a really professional disciplinarian (not a dominatrix kind of person) who might be able to fill the void somewhat; that feels like a very big step for me and I think it would have to be a woman in order for me be remotely comfortable. I know no one should advertise their services on here (and am not looking for that) but do any of you have any thoughts on whether that's a good idea / experience of going down that route? Are there really people who are total professionals and not on the scene for sexual reasons etc and work with very vanilla people?
 
All thoughts and advice welcome - I'm in a bit of a tailspin!
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Reading your blogs I realise what a strong bond you had with him and replacing him will be very hard, if at all possible. 

There are many good spankers out there but finding one you trust to the extent you did him will be very hard. 

Good luck in your search 

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  • 1 month later...

hi all -

So this is definitely happening - he's heading away in mid December for around 4 months. Sounds strange but I'm really disappointed.

Would welcome any thoughts / advice on the above ideas and on stop gap options.

thanks!

Naomi

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hi all -

So this is definitely happening - he's heading away in mid December for around 4 months. Sounds strange but I'm really disappointed.

Would welcome any thoughts / advice on the above ideas and on stop gap options.

thanks!

Naomi

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Please let us know what happens and how everything works out.  I imagine a lot of people have faced this problem in the past, and their numbers are likely to grow in the future.

                                                                                                                   H.

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Hi Naomi,

Really feel for you and hope you’re coping in the meantime.

I am aware of a female spanking therapist who appears to be highly professional and ethical, however her services are fee based. I have no connection with her and have not used her services.

Do let me know if this may be of interest and will happily send you a link to her web site. 

Tom

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Hi @Naomi

I know how it feels to lose a disciplinarian who is exceptional and who you’ve developed a deep sense of trust with.  When that trust and bond is there, it’s about the hardest loss there is.  

As for finding a professional disciplinarian, it’s an option I guess, but I think it would feel lacking, because that person wouldn’t take the time to get to know you and bond with you, and they wouldn’t care about you the same way that your disciplinarian does.  Will you and your disciplinarian be staying in touch while he’s away?  Can he assign you non-spanking punishments?  Or keep a tally on your behavior and meet out the spankings when he gets back? 

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  • 2 weeks later...

@Tom Sherwood thanks - please feel free to DM me the name of the therapist. 

@Explorify that seems like a good idea if possible. I am still looking at options. My Er has arranged for us both to a woman he knows who does some coaching and mentoring using CP -- I am not sure where it will go but he thinks she might be able to help and might be a good fit for me. He'll be there for our initial coffee later this week and we'll see how it goes.

@SpudStateSpanky appreciate the understanding, you're totally right. In answer to your questions: (a) we'll absolutely be in touch (but not just in relation to my discipline, we're also good friends and have kept that up outside of this arrangement); (b) he could do that, he has made me do lines, reflection time (as he calls it) etc but I've found that I need both the threat of being spanked if I cross certain lines but also having that threat delivered on from time to time - that part sucks but that's why it works for me; (c) I could keep a tally - I do regular reporting on my rules when he's here - but he'll be gone for too long and I find that it works best for me when the accountability follows the behaviour/broken rule relatively quickly; given my recent form I will break enough rules in that time that he'd have to spend days punishing me with our last resort implement when he comes back from the US!

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  • 2 weeks later...
 
I thought I'd post an update in case you're interested in where I got to with this. Sorry it's a bit long - I write to process!
 
Three weeks back my ER said that he knew someone from what he called "spanking scene" (not sure whether that means parties, clubs etc) who might be willing to "take care" of me  (by which he meant my discipline needs) while he's away. Jay asked me if he could mention our arrangement to this woman he knows; he told me that she was a bit older and not a pro disciplinarian had experience, is very educated and he thought we'd be a good fit - I was fine with him talking to her. He spoke to her and then asked me whether I'd be keen to meet her to explore options. I was and am nervous about the idea  getting spanking by someone else but more worried about not having someone to work with while he's away and losing all the structure and accountability (and progress) I've had/made over past year or so. Thinking about being spanked by a stranger took me back to the time when I felt that I wanted to explore spanking and corporal punishment to help me with various things but didn't really know who would help or how it would come about - I spent so long doing internet searches on things like "professional disciplinarian" and therapists who use corporal punishment. In the end I never had the courage to go through with it. And I ended up being so so lucky in having a friend who, unbeknown to me, was into spanking and seemed to have this 6th sense that I needed discipline in my life.
 
I hesitated but trusted Jay's judgement and agreed to meet her (I call her Victoria out of respect for her privacy). We met last week in wine bar - Jay came along to make things easier. I wasn't sure what to expect and was nervous (Jay had told me that she's got a reputation for being very strict but is really nice) -- hence Jay and I decided to have a glass of wine before meeting Victoria.
 
I was struck by the woman who walked into the bar and over to our table. She looked like she was in her late 40s, surprisingly short (for a dominant woman, I thought) and in really good shape. She carried herself with confidence. After a moment of feeling a bit awkward, Jay did a good job of breaking the ice and we got chatting. I was immediately impressed, she seemed really smart and thoughtful. I think I was also impressed by her confidence and assertiveness - I probably need that in someone who is going to have some authority over me, especially if it's another woman.
 
Victoria was keen to explain that she's not a professional disciplinarian (she's a busy job) but said that she works with a few women in what she described as mentoring, coaching, and accountability type roles and has also given what she called spanking therapy. She talked a lot about her firm belief in spanking/corporal punishment and its effectiveness, particularly she thinks for successful women who've got their way / everything they've wanted and never really been held to account or challenged (that was basically me). She explained to me that she only tops (vanilla me had to look that up) but has had corporal punishment so, she said, she knows what it feels like. Victoria was surprisingly honest that she enjoys spanking and being in a dominant role in relation to other women.
 
She asked me a lot about why I choose to be spanked, what my rules are and why the arrangement with Jay has helped me. She wanted to know more about what I'm punished with and how's it done.
 
Victoria said that any arrangement we had could not just copy my arrangement with Jay. I would have the rules Jay and I had set up together but she may impose other ones. She would have her own methods, expectations, ground rules etc. Jay had already talked her about how we work things. Victoria explained that she wouldn't and couldn't have anything close to the day-to-day reporting that I do with Jay - he often says that being my ER sometimes feels like a lot of work. She didn't want to have to read regular messages from me about my rules or to be checking up on me too often. Her approach would be through appointments a few times a month (if I need/want that) where she'd expect me to give a candid confession about whether I'd been following my rules, we'd discuss what had gone well and what hadn't and she would administer any punishment she thought necessary. Ominously she told me that she has a very effective way of ensuring that that confession is always completely honest and that she is never lied to. Having heard about me for us both she also said that maintenance spankings might benefit me - I had to ask what that mean. Not sure how I feel about it or whether I would need that but we'll see.
 
Victoria was very open about her methods: she said that she uses both corporal punishment and also other methods (she mentioned writing reflection pieces, lines and time in the corner - I've had those things with Jay). Appointments would be at her house, she wasn't going to come to me as Jay does. She explained that she thinks being out of the comfort of my own environment and add having to travel to a place for punishment is an important part of the anticipation and trepidation and a helpful deterrent. She was clear that she thinks that the disciplinarian has to decide on implements and positions but would talk things through with me and give me some options. But I was warned that being put over the knee (which I've never been, I have explained why in other posts)  was a non-negotiable because she feels that it's part of the dominant - submissive dynamic. Victoria told me that she's a believer in using restraints -- that sounded a bit scary but she gave a pretty good explanation of why she thinks it's helpful (I've only ever had my legs taped to stop kicking). We talked a bit about tolerance, I was keen to tell her that mine is pretty low - she was pretty good at reassuring me, she said that she'd spanked other very sensitive women and I'd get a safe word.
 
As people on here will know, what I wear during a spanking has always been a big thing for me - Victoria said she'd be okay for me to start with wearing my spandex shorts or one piece swimsuit (which one I wear basically depends on how bad I've been and what my ER is using on me) but she would want the option of escalating to a bare bottom punishment (with a thong or underwear pulled up). That worry is maybe not as great if it's another woman, but it's something I may have to get over.
 
She told me that she has very high standards and that if I worked with her I would discover that she's fair but very strict, I would be expected to wear smart clothes for any appointment with her and I would have to call her Ma'am or  Mrs [her surname]. That felt a bit weird but I could live with it.
 
Victoria seemed keen and willing to step in and she was confident that if I worked with her she'd be able to help me stay on a good track and that she predicted she would eradicate some of my bad habits and negative traits. She actually said that once we'd had a couple of appointments together I would want avoid many more!
 
We didn't talk about whether money would be involved but I think Jay may have had that discussion with her.
 
On Tuesday night we agreed that I'd reflect and let her know if I wanted to work with her.
 
I was mostly reassured by our discussion - I like her and she seemed to have a good read of my needs and worries. Jay's trust and endorsement was important to me  - he had listened and thought I should go for it. I know that Victoria probably would be formal and serious than Jay, and I have a feeling that she'd be tougher on me. For now she's the only option.
 
Anyway - I took the leap, I got in touch with Victoria yesterday and I have decided to go for it! I feel like I did before my first ever session with Jay - feel like a complete newbie again...
 
N
 
 
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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

So, an update: I have finally made an appointment with Victoria. I am going to see her tomorrow at her place; my regular ER has been checking in with me from afar and helped me make the decision to get in touch. The nerves and anticipation are worse than my first time with regular ER. I think that's due to a combination of not knowing her, this feels much more formal (I've been asked to dress as I would for an interview), knowing I will be out of my comfort zone (I'm normally punished at home and as those of you who've read my blogs will know I've been fortunate to have a big say in how it's done), and when we met she also just seemed very confident, authoritative and no nonsense. A few people have said that women often spank other women harder than a guy would - I fear that might be true!

Anyway -- I know I probably need it but I hate the build up to these things. Think of me:(

 

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You have the support of the community and we look forward to a report.

                                                                                                                    H.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 1/15/2022 at 3:33 AM, Naomi said:

So, an update: I have finally made an appointment with Victoria. I am going to see her tomorrow at her place; my regular ER has been checking in with me from afar and helped me make the decision to get in touch. The nerves and anticipation are worse than my first time with regular ER. I think that's due to a combination of not knowing her, this feels much more formal (I've been asked to dress as I would for an interview), knowing I will be out of my comfort zone (I'm normally punished at home and as those of you who've read my blogs will know I've been fortunate to have a big say in how it's done), and when we met she also just seemed very confident, authoritative and no nonsense. A few people have said that women often spank other women harder than a guy would - I fear that might be true!

Anyway -- I know I probably need it but I hate the build up to these things. Think of me:(

Well......?? Don't leave us hanging! How did it go? :) 

  • Haha 1
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Thanks for checking in @Chawsee - I appreciate it. I'll post properly soon - I am crazy busy with work. But in brief: it went well (although that's not quite the right word) - she was seriously strict and no nonsense (I learned that from the outset when I made the silly mistake of being late) - a step up from regular ER in various ways. I got the longest and hardest spanking I've had - new implements and experiences. I was sore and felt very "punished" for most of the week afterwards. My God, she taught me a lesson. But I can say that it is probably what I'd earned and needed; the prospect of another session with Victoria is going to keep me on the right track for a while, I think! Getting spanked by a woman was a really different experience for me (I will explain more if I blog about it). And also seeing someone who is basically a stranger and who I will see for one purpose only was very different to my regular arrangement - quite a different headspace. I'm on best behaviour now, that's for sure.

N

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  • 2 months later...

An update - I finally blogged about this, guys. Sorry it is so long.  It's in the Blogs section.

As always, interested to hear what you think, what resonates etc.

N

 

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