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Someone said this to me.  Do you agree or disagree    M/f couple only please.

"I do strongly believe that men should spank their wives and that ought to be the norm, not the exception as it is today."

Men 

1.  You agree?    ___________

2   You disagree?  ________

Women

1.  You agree? ____________

2  You disagree? _________

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I'm an unmarried Christian man, just getting to the point in my life where marriage is becoming a consideration. I know this isn't quite the question that was asked, but for me personally; I am more in favor of the wife spanking the husband. While my- and many other Christians'- creed states that the man is the head of the household, I also believe in the concept of mutual submission. The wife is not a pawn, subject to the husband's whims; but a valued friend and peer. It is the man's responsibility to lead, provide for, and support his spouse, and the woman's to do likewise. 

To me; that means if I am doing something wrong, it is my future wife's right and responsibility to point that out to me, and help me to correct it. I am still the head of household, still the provider and protector, but I do not- and should not- have absolute unquestioned power. The wife provides a balance; a safeguard against abuse of power- no matter how unintentional- and to do that, she needs to have an authority over me, just as I have over her. 

As the husband, I "wear the pants" in my future family. I'm still the "big guns" of parenting, called in for support in times of familial strife. I'm the rallying point for the family, and I "have the final say" when the kids want something that they can't have. That is all well and good. But I firmly support my future wife's right to tell me that a decision I made or an action I took was inappropriate, and her right to correct me over it. 

In public I am head of the family, but in private; I fully intend to defer to my future wife's authority when she tells me to drop my pants and open my mouth because I said I would take care of a chore three days ago and there's a bar of soap and a paddle with my name on it to teach me that when I say I'll do something I need to follow through.

All of that to say; I fully support one spouse utilizing corporal discipline to support and guide the other. I don't think you can definitively say which spouse holds the paddle and which feels it, because each relationship is unique. These are just my personal thoughts, and my own situation.

I wear the pants but she holds the belt, eh? 😛

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I believe in Domestic Discipline only as a consensual role-playing kink that a couple decides to participate in to spice up their sex life but otherwise it's something not meant to be taken altogether too seriously.  Two mature adults in a relationship should not have to rely on one spanking the other to maintain some semblance of a working relationship.  A wife is not a child, and spanking is not an appropriate or even legal way to discipline a child anyways.  That being said, I have always found the concept of the DD contract titillating, with the enforcement of dress code rules and bedroom protocols, punishment for rule breaking, etc. etc., but as a hot way to be sexually intimate that is agreed to ahead of time by both parties.   

Regarding traditional gender roles in a Christian context...that sort of thing completely makes sense to me because even in a secular context you find one side of a relationship emanating  submissive/feminine energy while the other counters with dominant/masculine energy (symbolized nicely by the Chinese Yin/Yang symbol) with the task being to find a way to balance those energies out in order to maintain a productive, harmonious relationship.   But to assume spanking has to be THE MANDATED AND EXPECTED enforcement mechanism to ensure this occurs seems to be taking it in the wrong direction.   But yeah, spanking as a way to have fun and be intimate...totally for that. 

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15 hours ago, OhRedhead said:

I am a female EE and I STRONGLY disagree that it ought to be the 'norm.' There is no norm. Every couple is in a unique relationship that works for them.

This, exactly.  As a male disciplinarian I would never suggest that EVERY couple should have that sort of relationship.  

It has to be done by mutual agreement with plenty of discussion beforehand.  What works for one couple in a relationship could be a total disaster for a different couple. When a woman already knows that she is submissive by nature and likes the concept of being held responsible to her partner, then it can work very nicely. I support those who make the choice to have a DD relationship but it is definitely not for everyone and therefore cannot be the norm. I do think there are a whole lot more couples in DD relationships than we know about, since some of them may choose to keep that private. There are also many couples in DD relationships where the female partner is the head of the family, and that can work equally as well. 

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Any question that includes the would "should" and then is applied to an entire gender-specific dynamic is likely to get a big fat "No" from me. Usually it comes from someone wishing their own set of desires applied to the entire world, which is entirely understandable. But no. Every individual dynamic is just that, individual and every single one must be consensual. 

Put differently, and addressing the specific language of the question asked, because spankos are a minority of the population if the below were a reality, there would be a lot of domestic abuse happening.

"I do strongly believe that men should spank their wives and that ought to be the norm, not the exception as it is today."

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I agree with @rubyredd @OhRedhead & @StrictGent. Consent is absolutely crucial. I don't think there can be a norm perse. Because where do you draw the line within a relationship where there is consent whether or not it falls into that norm?

It would be great if there is more understanding for the fact that you can get spanked with consent, but that is an utopia in a world where people assume and judge quickly. My personal preferences as a spankee and sub in my relationship have no say regarding a norm for someone else. 

Shoulds and musts are not words I would put on the same line as consent. It links too closely to direct or indirect pressure to give in. Consent is given freely upon the agreed limits, potential contracts etc. Any pressure that it 'should' be a certain way is not freedom to consent or for those so inclined submit. 

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As a guy I completely agree with it. I think if more husbands took more wives in hand it would solve a significant amount of issues.

However consent still needs to be there or as @rubyredd points out it’s abuse. In some states even doing it with consent can still land you in handcuffs. 
 

For 90% it’s just a fantasy in reality though. In the 40’s and 50’s it was normal and from what I’ve been told, wives kind of expected it once they said “I do.” I challenge that and the numbers but it is what it is. 

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As a guy I completely agree with it. I think if more husbands took more wives in hand it would solve a significant amount of issues.

However consent still needs to be there or as @rubyredd points out it’s abuse. In some states even doing it with consent can still land you in handcuffs. 
 

For 90% it’s just a fantasy in reality though. In the 40’s and 50’s it was normal and from what I’ve been told, wives kind of expected it once they said “I do.” I challenge that and the numbers but it is what it is. 

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  • 5 weeks later...

I believe both man and woman should set terms and when one breaks those rules they need to be disciplined, in this the two are equals and can help each other correct behavior and stay on course.

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I have this feeling that more couples would find domestic discipline beneficial under the right circumstances, and not just husbands disciplining their wives.  My wife and I have a mutual discipline arrangement, although, it has reached a bit of a lull recently.  Nevertheless, I disagree with folks that say this is just a kink or sexual practice.  After being erotic switch spankos for 25+ years, my wife and I introduced a more formal DD arrangement, and, although we have a standing safe-word and consent protocol, you would be surprised at how real the discipline can get.  I know that the hard-core DD folks refer to this as consensual non-consent, and I'm not sure my wife and I reached that level of severity, but even with explicit consent elements, I would say that we did some serious discipline both ways, and it definitely had a profound beneficial effect on our behavior.  I'm not willing to concede that it's all just sexual fun-and-games of dominance and submission.  Perhaps those of you who have only done spanking for erotic purposes are satisfied, and that's good, we all have to figure this out for ourselves.  But there is another level to this that you can't understand until you explore it.  In any case, just be safe and careful.  It can be a bit tricky, and it is, above all else, emotionally powerful. 

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On 9/27/2021 at 3:21 PM, rubyredd said:

Female bottom... strongly disagree for the obvious reason that without consent it is abuse and I cannot support abuse. Have to agree with @OhRedheadand @StrictGent - this is all fantasy projection. 

My wife and I do a lot of erotic spanking and funishment.  We both understand that it's all fantasy and role-playing.  But we have also done some serious discipline, and it wasn't all just fun-and-games.  Have you even been taken to the woodshed, so to speak?  If so, what did you make of it? 

I'm not challenging you on the subject.  There is nothing wrong with couples that keep spanking in the bedroom as a sexual practice.  In fact, I'm more supportive of the expansion and acceptance of the sexual spanko fetish in society, its evolution from a perversion to just another sexual preference, and I'm not so concerned about taking it to the level of domestic discipline. 

But having engaged in some DD myself, I would not dismiss it as fantasy projection.  It's transformative and perplexing, and I'm fascinated by it, and curious about the reaction of spanko couples that have even merely dabbled in it.

Note:  I'm really only speaking to the issue of DD between long-term or married couples who have a serious bond and commitment to one another.  That's based on the personal context of my own long-term marriage in which I understand the subject.    

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7 hours ago, Rand E said:

My wife and I do a lot of erotic spanking and funishment.  We both understand that it's all fantasy and role-playing.  But we have also done some serious discipline, and it wasn't all just fun-and-games.  Have you even been taken to the woodshed, so to speak?  If so, what did you make of it? 

I'm not challenging you on the subject.  There is nothing wrong with couples that keep spanking in the bedroom as a sexual practice.  In fact, I'm more supportive of the expansion and acceptance of the sexual spanko fetish in society, its evolution from a perversion to just another sexual preference, and I'm not so concerned about taking it to the level of domestic discipline. 

But having engaged in some DD myself, I would not dismiss it as fantasy projection.  It's transformative and perplexing, and I'm fascinated by it, and curious about the reaction of spanko couples that have even merely dabbled in it.

Note:  I'm really only speaking to the issue of DD between long-term or married couples who have a serious bond and commitment to one another.  That's based on the personal context of my own long-term marriage in which I understand the subject.    

I have been in disciplinary relationships (before marriage and with an outside disciplinary partner). I have been punished - sometimes severely. It was all consensual. 

My husband has never spanked me without consent - which, after fourteen years, is implied consent rather than explicit. We don't have a DD relationship because there is no need for it in our marriage. We do, however, engage in lengthy spanking and caning sessions that sometimes include bondage, anal play, orgasm "torture," etc. He is a sadist.

What he doesn't do is force himself on me against my will (rape) nor would he spank me if I was truly opposed to it (abuse).

DD itself is not fantasy projection. The OP's assertion that "men spanking their wives should be the norm" is the fantasy projection. If they are not spankos, and/or the wife does not consent... then it is abuse. Also, some men want to be spanked by their wives, so the assertion certainly wouldn't work for them. 

I have been in spanking relationships - boyfriends, spanking friends, disciplinarians, husband - for almost 30 years. All were consent-based. I was also abused by one guy who would slap me around - which I did not consent to. It would be like that for a vanilla whose partner decided to bring out a paddle every time she forgot to start the dishwasher - and frankly, that idea makes me a little sick. 

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On 10/30/2021 at 5:40 AM, rubyredd said:

I have been in spanking relationships - boyfriends, spanking friends, disciplinarians, husband - for almost 30 years. All were consent-based. I was also abused by one guy who would slap me around - which I did not consent to. It would be like that for a vanilla whose partner decided to bring out a paddle every time she forgot to start the dishwasher - and frankly, that idea makes me a little sick. 

I have never known a DD couple personally, just chatted on forums.  But what you said about the dishwasher reminded me of my negative reaction to DD arrangements that included a lot of frequent severe punishment for what seemed to me were trivial offenses.  I can't say as there was no consent, but sometimes it sounded a bit out of control.    

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Agree .. each couple and person needs to find their own way.

I wish spanking was a more accepted and understood. I would like my marriage to be equal and we have defined rules and each of us can spank the other as needed to be our best together  .. building equality, removing stress and frustration. 

But others may only want to be a EE or a ER

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On 9/27/2021 at 4:13 PM, StrictGent said:

Any question that includes the would "should" and then is applied to an entire gender-specific dynamic is likely to get a big fat "No" from me. Usually it comes from someone wishing their own set of desires applied to the entire world, which is entirely understandable. But no. Every individual dynamic is just that, individual and every single one must be consensual. 

Put differently, and addressing the specific language of the question asked, because spankos are a minority of the population if the below were a reality, there would be a lot of domestic abuse happening.

"I do strongly believe that men should spank their wives and that ought to be the norm, not the exception as it is today."

You have a good mind for explaining rationalizations and the faulty reasoning behind them. As always, your posts are wise and thought-provoking. Thank you for sharing.

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On 11/6/2021 at 12:00 AM, Rand E said:

I have never known a DD couple personally, just chatted on forums.  But what you said about the dishwasher reminded me of my negative reaction to DD arrangements that included a lot of frequent severe punishment for what seemed to me were trivial offenses.  I can't say as there was no consent, but sometimes it sounded a bit out of control.    

Every DD couple's dynamic is going to be different, and I'm certain that some are very attentive and loving. However, I too have witnessed this kind of mistreatment in a one-sided DD relationship. The one I'm referencing was an FLR in which I knew, and spoke with, both the husband and wife. The husband was subjected to severe punishments for tiny infractions, and the wife used emotional coldness and withholding of affection in what appeared to be a manipulation and control tactic. I liked her very much as a person, and I truly don't believe that she consciously realized what she was doing-- but there was no question that she was keeping him in a fretful state, and this was part of her means of control. He welcomed the beatings, too, possibly because they left him feeling that everything was okay again. It may have even been the best means to receiving her affection.

There is always the argument that it is consensual, and if the TiH partner agrees to it, then all is fair and right. I acknowledge this stance, and if the HoH is truly someone who can deal their own emotions healthfully, it may be a well-managed arrangement. But what is worrisome is that someone (a wife or husband) can be in the throes of physical and/or emotional mistreatment and be unable to see that this is what's happening. 

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23 hours ago, Chawsee said:

Every DD couple's dynamic is going to be different, and I'm certain that some are very attentive and loving. However, I too have witnessed this kind of mistreatment in a one-sided DD relationship. The one I'm referencing was an FLR in which I knew, and spoke with, both the husband and wife. The husband was subjected to severe punishments for tiny infractions, and the wife used emotional coldness and withholding of affection in what appeared to be a manipulation and control tactic. I liked her very much as a person, and I truly don't believe that she consciously realized what she was doing-- but there was no question that she was keeping him in a fretful state, and this was part of her means of control. He welcomed the beatings, too, possibly because they left him feeling that everything was okay again. It may have even been the best means to receiving her affection.

There is always the argument that it is consensual, and if the TiH partner agrees to it, then all is fair and right. I acknowledge this stance, and if the HoH is truly someone who can deal their own emotions healthfully, it may be a well-managed arrangement. But what is worrisome is that someone (a wife or husband) can be in the throes of physical and/or emotional mistreatment and be unable to see that this is what's happening. 

You bring up another good point I’d never thought of.   For DD to be healthy the HOH has to be someone really stable and in control of their own emotions.  They have to be worthy of being a leader.   Yet we don’t really even hear of that, just that one (usually the stricter of the two or the one who has no problem inflicting pain) chooses to be the boss and mete out the punishments and the other has to obey and submit.

 @Chawsee are you going to have a spanking blog?  I know you’ve talked about it, and I think you have a lot to offer.  You could help a lot of people.

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On 11/10/2021 at 8:10 AM, Chawsee said:

Every DD couple's dynamic is going to be different, and I'm certain that some are very attentive and loving. However, I too have witnessed this kind of mistreatment in a one-sided DD relationship. The one I'm referencing was an FLR in which I knew, and spoke with, both the husband and wife. The husband was subjected to severe punishments for tiny infractions, and the wife used emotional coldness and withholding of affection in what appeared to be a manipulation and control tactic. I liked her very much as a person, and I truly don't believe that she consciously realized what she was doing-- but there was no question that she was keeping him in a fretful state, and this was part of her means of control. He welcomed the beatings, too, possibly because they left him feeling that everything was okay again. It may have even been the best means to receiving her affection.

There is always the argument that it is consensual, and if the TiH partner agrees to it, then all is fair and right. I acknowledge this stance, and if the HoH is truly someone who can deal their own emotions healthfully, it may be a well-managed arrangement. But what is worrisome is that someone (a wife or husband) can be in the throes of physical and/or emotional mistreatment and be unable to see that this is what's happening. 

Yeah, that sucks. There's just no substitute for good judgment. And it's something more than that too, good will, a desire for the other person to benefit, even flourish. Sadism has its place as does the simple desire to be in charge, but without affection and good will the whole thing starts to look real ugly. It isn't so much about spanking as it is to relationships where one member has real authority and means to enforce it. I can see why they would even willingly continue the pattern they're in, but that's a long ways from any dynamic I would want to be in. In a word, unsettling; OK, two words, also distasteful.

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Strongly disagree. I think it comes from a very patriarchal worldview to say that it should be the norm and gender specific. If they applied it both ways, I could maybe get behind that but as soon as you start putting one gender in a position of authority over the other across the board, you're implying that one is more mature/more capable than the other instead of viewing everyone as equals. It essentially turns women into daughters with benefits. 

If I get married, I won't get spankings because I am a wife. I'll get spankings because I broke a rule that we agreed on and am taking the punishment that we agreed on. Him administering the punishment is an act of service to me, not an exercise of authority.

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16 hours ago, wide_eyed said:

Yeah, that sucks. There's just no substitute for good judgment. And it's something more than that too, good will, a desire for the other person to benefit, even flourish. Sadism has its place as does the simple desire to be in charge, but without affection and good will the whole thing starts to look real ugly. It isn't so much about spanking as it is to relationships where one member has real authority and means to enforce it. I can see why they would even willingly continue the pattern they're in, but that's a long ways from any dynamic I would want to be in. In a word, unsettling; OK, two words, also distasteful.

You bring up a point that I hadn't put into conscious thought, but you are absolutely right. The importance of good will. I was talking on the phone once with the wife of the couple I referenced above, and in the conversation I was relating to her how queasy I felt after seeing Miss Rose's "thorn paddles," which contain numerous small metal spikes that break the skin and cause bleeding. The wife responded, in a spiteful voice, "I would LOVE to get one of those and use it on him!" That was the last thing I expected to come out of her mouth, because her husband was NOT a masochist. I was so shocked, I remember going silent for a moment. That is not good will, that is hatefulness. Thank you for sharing, Wide_Eyed. You always have good insights.

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6 hours ago, BansheeGal said:

Strongly disagree. I think it comes from a very patriarchal worldview to say that it should be the norm and gender specific. If they applied it both ways, I could maybe get behind that but as soon as you start putting one gender in a position of authority over the other across the board, you're implying that one is more mature/more capable than the other instead of viewing everyone as equals. It essentially turns women into daughters with benefits. 

If I get married, I won't get spankings because I am a wife. I'll get spankings because I broke a rule that we agreed on and am taking the punishment that we agreed on. Him administering the punishment is an act of service to me, not an exercise of authority.

Accolades, BansheeGal! Very well said! :) 

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