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How important is achieving real genuine tears or sobbing...to you as a spanker or spankee?


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How important is it to reach or bring genuine tears or even heaving sobs from a spanking...from the spanker or spankee perspective.

This has probably been discussed many times here, so please forgive me if you find this boring or redundant.  Its just that my recent involvement on this group has stirred up this question with me. I am hoping your kind discussion might help me understand myself a bit better....lol...a huge task...trust me...lol.

Personally, when I began this lifestyle 14 years ago, it honestly took a lot to bring me to full blown crying or bawling or prolonged sobs. I definitely felt the pain and submission, but not such deep  "release" as I have come to know now, if you will...so that tears flowed abundantly.  It was more like cries of anger and frustration..of just me

kind of paying my dues for the bed I made myself to lie in.  I hope that makes some kind of sense to you. I think it does to me...lol....maybe.  I mean I would often screech...scream...curse...lol...even get watery eyes...but actually uncontrolled crying...not really.  I guess it was maybe 4 years into our marriage before I truly began to experience some kind of special emotional...spiritual...physical...psychological ..."release"...and found myself often becoming a real blubbering bawl baby mess...lol...seriously. And..sometimes it had nothing to do with how hard or more lenient the discipline or training applied.  I am still that way today.  So...to help me better understand me and us....I ask this.  What is your experience?  Is "coming to genuine tears" the ultimate goal of a disciplinary or sexual/funishment spanking kind of the ultimate "goal"....or just a nicety?  As a spanker...is this a part your expectation  in order to consider the spanking valid or effective?  I think with my husband it varies...as it does with me. I just go with what he brings to me...lol.  Or...for you spankees...are you kind of let down if your spanker does not take you there...or disappointed if you have not reached the point of release..whatever that may mean...into free flowing tears.

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How important is it to reach or bring genuine tears or even heaving sobs from a spanking...from the spanker or spankee perspective? This has probably been discussed in abundance here, so please forgive me if you find this redundant or boring. I have been wondering about this recently as I have joined in recent discussions and relating to it with my own experience. Personally, when I began this lifestyle 14 years ago, it honestly took a lot to bring me to full blown crying or bawling or prolonged sobs. I definitely felt the pain and submission, but not such deep "release" as I have come to know now, if you will...so that tears flowed abundantly. It was more like cries of anger and frustration..of just me kind of paying my dues for the bed I made myself to lie in. I hope that makes some kind of sense to you. I think it does to me...lol....maybe. I mean I would often screech...scream...curse...lol...even get watery eyes...but actually uncontrolled crying...not really. I guess it was maybe 4 years into our marriage before I truly began to experience some kind of special emotional...spiritual...physical...psychological ..."release"...and found myself often becoming a real blubbering bawl baby mess...lol...seriously. And..sometimes it had nothing to do with how hard or more lenient the discipline or training applied. I am still that way today. So...to help me better understand me and us....I ask this. What is your experience? Is "coming to genuine tears" the ultimate goal of a disciplinary or sexual/funishment spanking kind of the ultimate "goal"....or just a nicety? As a spanker...is this a part your expectation in order to consider the spanking valid or effective? I think with my husband it varies...as it does with me. I just go with what he brings to me...lol. Or...for you spankees...are you kind of let down if your spanker does not take you there...or disappointed if you have not reached the point of release..whatever that may mean...into free flowing tears.
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It’s never been important to me, or a goal to make someone cry.  Many don’t cry for a variety of reasons.  Some have trouble letting go, some are embarrassed to cry, sometimes it just takes awhile for the spanker/spankee relationship to deepen.  Then just knowing they disappointed their spanker may bring them to tears.  I would never keep spanking after I felt it was enough, just to get someone to cry.  Knowing when to stop is extremely important.  

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31 minutes ago, Jaded said:

It’s never been important to me, or a goal to make someone cry.  Many don’t cry for a variety of reasons.  Some have trouble letting go, some are embarrassed to cry, sometimes it just takes awhile for the spanker/spankee relationship to deepen.  Then just knowing they disappointed their spanker may bring them to tears.  I would never keep spanking after I felt it was enough, just to get someone to cry.  Knowing when to stop is extremely important.  

Exactly so. 

I haven't cried from a spanking in over 20 years and that last time was from four hard, fast swats with his hand over my clothes. 

I will admit that I crave the catharsis of tears, but I cannot force what will not be. And I wouldn't think much of a Top who insisted on tears to end a spanking - I would consider that a sign of careless inexperience  at best  or abusive Domholery at worst. 

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For me, it's very important. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, I'm very emotionally sensitive and very modest. A good, stern lecture can have me in tears long before the spanking even starts.

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Crying can be a wonderfully cathartic and healing stage to reach, so it's certainly desirable. But it's the wrong place to put the focus. Crying that comes from severe pain alone has little cathartic benefit. Rather, it has the potential for inducing trauma. Beneficial tears are emotional in nature. They tend to emerge when the EE has deep trust for his/her ER and feels secure and cared for. Therefore, the best place to put the focus is not on "producing tears," but on deepening the trust between spanking partners. When a spankee feels love, security, and acceptance from his/her spanker, and is then given the opportunity to release all the stress, shame, guilt, etc. that they're carrying, this is when tears do their magic.

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PS-- Some spankees simply aren't going to cry, and that's okay. Each person's triggers and individuality are to be respected. So the best we can do is work on the relationship itself. If the trust and caring are deep enough, we are at least giving the spankee the atmosphere most conducive to allowing this to happen, if it's going to.

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As Chawsee said, the focus of a spanking should never be tears. Some of us just can't cry. I don't cry easily. I have a high pain tolerance so a spanking alone isn't going to bring me to tears. I need the emotional part of it to cry. He spanks me out of love. I need him to talk to me during the spanking. I need to be able to feel his disappointment if I  am being punished. He stops spanking and asks me questions. It allows me to release the guilt and the built up emotions. During a stress relief or just because spanking I need him to talk to me. I want him to tell me to let go. 

I cry when he hits the emotional button. Sometimes it's a few tears sliding down my face, sometimes it's sobbing. I'm not disappointed if I can't cry, but I'll admit I wish I could cry, during a spanking. more often. The catharsis, the purging of emotions, is amazing and feels so good. 

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I would love the emotional release of being spanked to tears. I have yet to manage it. It is about aligning the right headspace with trust and submission. Like aligning the sun, the moon and the stars for me

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I have never been spanked to tears, and it isn't something I spent much time concerning myself with . . . I agree with what several others have said in this thread; tears are a result of an emotional release.  My wife was vanilla when we met, only spanked me because she realized my interest wasn't going to just disappear one day.  However, she rarely scolded and even when she did, it never connected with me emotionally.  Early on I thought if she spanked me harder or longer, that would do the trick.  Of course, it didn't.  Either my cheeks would go numb or they would start to turn ashen (which is NOT good) and she would stop. 

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It depends entirely upon the chemistry between the two persons.  Tears don't come necessarily from physical pain but rather the emotional response to pain when processed by the brain.  You can make someone cry just by scolding, having never laid a hand on the person.  But  you can bruise their butt all day and never get a tear either.  This is why I don't engage in 'judicial discipline' because that is supposed to be without emotional connection.  Tears come from the heart and soul.  If I care enough about the person to spank, then I hope that care connects enough to generate tears, generally from punishment rather than in a discipline context.  Tears are desired but not required in most situations of punishment.  If I am not getting tears, it may mean that I am not communicating, not connecting, and that has the danger of being causing harm.

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Having been spanked to tears, for me it did not take all that much.  I think there is quite a bit more to it that getting a good spanking.  Although tears seem to be beneficial my wife main objective is to teach a lesson.  With that being said sometimes it takes longer than others, but she knows how to deliver.

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I have personally experienced the difference between being spanked without and with an emotional connection. For me there was a huge difference.

I met up with a spanker a few times for some mentoring & discipline. I got spanked hard, but I did not shed a tear. He wanted me to cry and I didn't. Needless to say, things ended quickly after that. It just became a beating and I tuned out.

with my husband however there is a strong emotional connection. I am secure in his love and care for me. His disappointment in my actions or his scolding words can make me already super emotional or on the edge and I will definitely be crying when he spanks me. Am I chasing after the tears? Not necessarily, some sessions are so intense that the sobbing and tears really drain me and then I really need the aftercare and reassurance. I will say though I am my own worst enemy when it comes to guilt and perfectionism so crying while my slate becomes clean again is cathartic and helps me let go.

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This is always a subject that gets different responses.  I agree with everyone that pointed out tears are about vulnerability, trust and connection.  I've had Women cry during a spanking for various styles of spanking from therapeutic, discipline, maintenance and even just a spanking  and each time it was a gift to our relationship. But I never start with the goal of achieving tears or crying.

And I have been on the other side where a spanking produced tears and crying. The most recent this past Friday.  And it was welcomed and needed, but I know my Spanker had only one intent and tears and crying were far down on the list as in my opinion should always be the case.

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Thank you all for such thoughtful responses.  I am reading you all to say that achieving tears either as spanker or spankee should never be an intentional goal...and I guess that is the case with my husband and I.  If that happens...well then it does.  I just know that the "release", or the more fancy word you much smarter ones use..." catharsis"...is something special to me...to "us" really.  My husband tells me when I have those times of free flowing tears and sobbing...he feels very very close to me and feels like he shares the emotions I am expressing thru my crying.  Often he cries with me. And I feel especially very very close to him as I cry into his chest or onto his shoulder or lap... or he kisses me while I cry things out and strokes my hair...cups my sore bottom in his hands. I know we all have concerns that perhaps crying is an indication of abuse, but we all cry for various reasons...not just physical or emotional pain...many of which you have mentioned in your insightful comments.  We can cry for joy...for hurt...for love...for regret...for loss...for healing and release from guilt. I think when I find myself caught up in the emotions of our disciplinary relationship...for me my crying is perhaps a mix of all those emotions...and maybe some others I do not consciously even recognize.  So...for me crying is not an indication of abuse brought on me.  But...I realize this is largely due to the fact I trust my husband completely to understand my needs....avtrust he has earned and proven out.

 

When I first started crying in after spankings....and for a couple years after that, Husband would always stop the spanking shortly after I started crying. I began to feel kind of cheated that he stopped....like I was on the verge of something important, and then never got there.  Kind of like when one is brought close to orgasm, and then never actually explodes  into one.  I know...as I already told you...I am a nut case!  So...after many experiences of crying being the end of the spanking....I asked...no...begged for him to continue spanking me "while" I cried...for as long as he deemed necessary for the discipline.....not to be deterred by my tears as as a signal the punishment was sufficient. He was reluctant I think because he thought it was abuse on me....harmful instead of loving.   Well...I can tell,you...when he finally did  start actually spanking me "while" I was crying...to the full culmination of the discipline earned and deserved.....we reached a whole new level of intimacy and healing. I cannot really describe it.  And...maybe should not really say this here....but I have had many actual sexual orgasms actually while bawling my eyes out....sobbing....heaving sobs....my hind end still being scorched and stinging from continued belt or paddle or whip strokes...or his hand.  Like the tears, the orgasms are not the "goal", but a gift of the intimate relationship we have grown together in our dynamic.  I become a real, blubbering mess, but I guess a perfect mess... lol.  Yes...I am a crazy person. I wonder if maybe I am a pain slut, as I have heard the term. I know this type of thing is not for everybody...and rightfully so.  Our dynamic is admittedly intense albeit agreed upon by me and my husband. We have actually tried to back off intensity...mostly at my husband's request....but thus far we both have always found the lesser intensity...is just not fulfilling....for us...at least not at this point in our journey together.

 

I think the last few years I maybe have cried 40 percent or so of the spankings I get.  Just a guess. I honestly benefit every time Husband disciplines me, but...for me...I think when my tears flow I not only benefit to grow and improve my future...I also experience some healing of my past...which I admit was a real mess.  

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All my life I have been a switch. Now that I'm older I still switch but lean toward spankee. I have had some serious very serious bare bottom spankings.  Trears and sobbing it something I want to do. So far wet eyes is the best I have done. I have kicked and screamed but real tears just won't happen. One day perhaps.

I have spanked many people both male and female. Only ONE cried real sobbing tears. She was a girl who was not a spanko but consented to be spanked because she knew it excited me. She cried like a baby.

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I never used to be able to cry, being someone who was tightly self-controlled in most every way. My partner and I broke through that barrier. Once it was broken, tears have been achievable with most disciplinary spankings, provided my mindspace is right and there is enough intensity. Crying serves as an important pressure-release valve for me now. 

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Like others have said, crying during a spanking can be a huge pressure release beyond the pain itself.  I haven't cried in many years, but wouldn't mind if the tears flowed freely given the right headspace and situation.  It can really be a great thing if you need some release, but isn't a hard requirement either.  

 

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On 9/11/2021 at 2:55 PM, nicoleS39 said:

How important is it to reach or bring genuine tears or even heaving sobs from a spanking...from the spanker or spankee perspective.

This has probably been discussed many times here, so please forgive me if you find this boring or redundant.  Its just that my recent involvement on this group has stirred up this question with me. I am hoping your kind discussion might help me understand myself a bit better....lol...a huge task...trust me...lol.

Personally, when I began this lifestyle 14 years ago, it honestly took a lot to bring me to full blown crying or bawling or prolonged sobs. I definitely felt the pain and submission, but not such deep  "release" as I have come to know now, if you will...so that tears flowed abundantly.  It was more like cries of anger and frustration..of just me

kind of paying my dues for the bed I made myself to lie in.  I hope that makes some kind of sense to you. I think it does to me...lol....maybe.  I mean I would often screech...scream...curse...lol...even get watery eyes...but actually uncontrolled crying...not really.  I guess it was maybe 4 years into our marriage before I truly began to experience some kind of special emotional...spiritual...physical...psychological ..."release"...and found myself often becoming a real blubbering bawl baby mess...lol...seriously. And..sometimes it had nothing to do with how hard or more lenient the discipline or training applied.  I am still that way today.  So...to help me better understand me and us....I ask this.  What is your experience?  Is "coming to genuine tears" the ultimate goal of a disciplinary or sexual/funishment spanking kind of the ultimate "goal"....or just a nicety?  As a spanker...is this a part your expectation  in order to consider the spanking valid or effective?  I think with my husband it varies...as it does with me. I just go with what he brings to me...lol.  Or...for you spankees...are you kind of let down if your spanker does not take you there...or disappointed if you have not reached the point of release..whatever that may mean...into free flowing tears.

It can be very important or not important at all. All depends on what the people involved want/need. As for me, I like that reaction. The more crying and sobbing the better. However, I understand not every spanking I give is designed to produce that, and I don't base my satisfaction solely on that happening. 

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On 9/11/2021 at 2:55 PM, nicoleS39 said:

How important is it to reach or bring genuine tears or even heaving sobs from a spanking...from the spanker or spankee perspective.

This has probably been discussed many times here, so please forgive me if you find this boring or redundant.  Its just that my recent involvement on this group has stirred up this question with me. I am hoping your kind discussion might help me understand myself a bit better....lol...a huge task...trust me...lol.

Personally, when I began this lifestyle 14 years ago, it honestly took a lot to bring me to full blown crying or bawling or prolonged sobs. I definitely felt the pain and submission, but not such deep  "release" as I have come to know now, if you will...so that tears flowed abundantly.  It was more like cries of anger and frustration..of just me

kind of paying my dues for the bed I made myself to lie in.  I hope that makes some kind of sense to you. I think it does to me...lol....maybe.  I mean I would often screech...scream...curse...lol...even get watery eyes...but actually uncontrolled crying...not really.  I guess it was maybe 4 years into our marriage before I truly began to experience some kind of special emotional...spiritual...physical...psychological ..."release"...and found myself often becoming a real blubbering bawl baby mess...lol...seriously. And..sometimes it had nothing to do with how hard or more lenient the discipline or training applied.  I am still that way today.  So...to help me better understand me and us....I ask this.  What is your experience?  Is "coming to genuine tears" the ultimate goal of a disciplinary or sexual/funishment spanking kind of the ultimate "goal"....or just a nicety?  As a spanker...is this a part your expectation  in order to consider the spanking valid or effective?  I think with my husband it varies...as it does with me. I just go with what he brings to me...lol.  Or...for you spankees...are you kind of let down if your spanker does not take you there...or disappointed if you have not reached the point of release..whatever that may mean...into free flowing tears.

It can be very important or not important at all. All depends on what the people involved want/need. As for me, I like that reaction. The more crying and sobbing the better. However, I understand not every spanking I give is designed to produce that, and I don't base my satisfaction solely on that happening. 

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How important? Couldn't be more important. It's the heart of it.

And at the same time I recognize the truth of what everyone else is saying that it really can't be the goal of a spanking for it to end in tears. It's a spontaneous occurrence so it will naturally resist an agenda. It seems to be a general rule that the mind will tend to resist an idea that it perceives as coming from outside of itself and accept one that it identifies as being its own. Maybe this is not only true between people but even within one's own self, i.e. the desire for me to cry this particular time being resisted by the 'unconscious' emotional part of myself from where deep cathartic crying actually emerge.

So while I don't think the goal of any spanking should be for it to end with the spankee in tears, for me the goal of a spanking relationship is for there to be occasions where the spankee can regularly be vulnerable and have a deep cathartic cry.

This week the post on the Disciplinary Couples Club (a F/M spanking blog) is on tears. There's an interesting comment on there that lists the elements that need to be in place for the author to be in tears. Obviously people will vary, this won't work for everyone, and so on and so forth. Still I found it insightful. Maybe this will help someone get where they're trying to go. Here's the list.

 

Quote

 

  1. The spanking has to be somewhat severe, but not overwhelmingly severe that so you can’t stop involuntarily fighting it. A spanking delivered hard and fast doesn’t bring on the teas of surrender. They are just pure punishment and I just try to get through one of them. So a spanking that brings on tears is one that you feel, but doesn’t put you in a defensive crouch
  2. There needs to be considerable embarrassment or humbling involved. There are a lot of ways we get there at different times but being bared and spanked OtK (however awkward) is very embarrassing for me as well as making me feel out of control.
  3. The spanking should be fairly slow and there should be plenty of scolding or lecturing during the actual spanking. The scolding doesn’t need to be elaborate but should be steady, With us a lot of it is simple interrogation like “why are you being spanked” or I am spanking you because… I think slowing the spanking done engages thought and emotions more and the scolding can produce embarrassment or even shame which itself can produce tears.
  4. Your partner’s attitude toward tears is important. I am convinced that the first time I cried it was because my wife said she expected it. I know now that she likes when it happens because it tells her I am really remorseful and she has accomplished her purpose. She know I don’t cry easy and so it’s a big thing for her.
  5. Mood is an important variable independent of everything else. I have to be somewhat subdues, remorseful or contemplative when the spanking begins if it is to end in tears

So all in all we get tears when the stars align and they are more likely to alight when it is relatively mild, fairly long in duration, incurs some embarrassment and triggers the right mood. My wife’s attitude toward tears was originally hugely important I don’t think spanking would have produced crying without that positive reinforcement.

 

And then a further note:

Quote

Sorry but reading through this I realize I have omitted an important point. I think this is related to slowing down the spanking. But to bring on tears for certain it has to reach a point where it seems it will never end and it is hopeless. That hopeless feeling triggers tears every time.

 

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On 9/11/2021 at 8:19 PM, AllieJane said:

For me, it's very important. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, I'm very emotionally sensitive and very modest. A good, stern lecture can have me in tears long before the spanking even starts.

I'm the exact same way. I honestly wish at times I could control it but I'm also glad that I just let things out. I met a ER recently who makes it easier for me to cry without shame, but I don't think I could stop it even if I wanted to. Hopefully AllieJane, Ohredhead, NicoleS39 and others who've said they cry will continue to embrace they're emotional honesty. For those of you who want to cry but are afraid, let it go and see what happens. You might be surprised. I wish the best to all of you.

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