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Hiding / explaining spanking to a new boyfriend


Naomi

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Hi guys,

So I have a dilemma which I'd appreciate your thoughts on. As some of you know my er is a good friend but he's not a partner and we've never been romantically involved. We've had our arrangement for about 9-10 months now, I've been single for that time so no issue has arisen until now. But I've just met a guy and we've been on a few dates and just spent a first night together. I'm obviously really private about the fact that I get spanked and arrangement I have with my friend (I can't talk about it with anyone and that's one of the reasons why this place is a great outlet). But I am worried about whether this is something one can really hide from a boyfriend (if we get to that point). I am concerned that he (and any guy I meet) will struggle to understand that I get disciplined by a close male friend.

Does anyone have any experience of having to raise this with a new partner? Or have any of you managed to keep it secret from them? For now, I'd like to do that but if I am going through a period when I'm getting spanked quite regularly (it varies), marks will be a problem if a new boyfriend sees my bottom. Again - any suggestions welcome! I'm finding it stressful.

Naomi

 

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I think that at some point you have to share the facts, that you have enjoyed spankings over the years while making it clear that they are not sexual for you at all.  At this point you can get some sense of the new boyfriend's acceptance of and/or tolerance of your spanking interests.  His response would then determine how you proceed from there.  If he's open to spanking you in the manner that you want to be spanked, then you could certainly try that.  If he's OK with you being into the spanking realm but not willing to participate, at that point you need to discuss it further while making it clear that you would like to continue being able to be spanked on a regular basis and that you are confident you can do so without interfering with your romantic relationship with him, and that there will never be any romantic relationship sought with anyone that might be called upon to spank you, and that there will never be any sexual activity with anyone who spanks you.  

Some romantic partners are able to accept that if this is a need you have, it's OK for you to be given non-sexual spankings by someone outside the relationship. Over the years I have spanked quite a few women whose partners for whatever reasons either were not into giving spankings, or preferred not to do so themselves but were perfectly OK with her going to an outsider for the spankings, and it actually worked out really well for everyone involved because the men involved understood it was not sexual. 

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If he stays your boyfriend long term, you can't keep it from him long term. Both because, as you say, he'll notice the marks, and because it's only fair for your partner to know about the important other relationships and pursuits in your life.

That doesn't mean you have to tell him right away. When it's a brand new relationship, it's natural not to disclose everything yet. There are probably other personal things you're not going to tell him until you've gotten to know each other better. He may have some of his own, too. That's natural.

Could it be a struggle for him to understand it? Yes. That's a valid concern. Might he decide it's a deal breaker for him? Again, yes. But he just as easily might not. You won't know until you cross that bridge.

Does he know your spanker? If not, he surely will in time, as you introduce him to your friends. You do not, of course, have to tell him the minute you introduce them that this friend spanks you, but if you introduce him as a good friend of yours, and they get to know each other, then perhaps you and spanker friend could disclose it together. Or you could tell your boyfriend alone. If the spanker friend is someone he's gotten to know a bit, not just an abstract, it may be easier for him to integrate. That could also help with any jealousy that might come up. I once had a boyfriend express some serious jealousy about a close platonic male friend I went to see on a trip back home, which bf couldn't accompany me on, but the jealousy completely evaporated as soon as I got to introduce them to each other.

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Have a backup plan. If marks noticed, tell him you are a self spanker. Hand him bath brush and suggest he try self spanking. Likely he will say not my thing but your bottom looks lovely and not question further. If not so easy, keep encouraging him  to try and he will ask you to drop the matter. Or he becomes Spanko. 

I get this might be rejected by ‘trust is everything” folks that have fairytale experience or dreams not yet crushed by life - but you got a good thing going why mess it up until engaged. Then write your wedding vows and slip in a line about your friend spanking you if he is not a convert. Or face a spankless happily ever after. 

Dropping a good ER before you have even better new ER is bigger decision than dropping job without new one. At least it is on Spanking Forum. 

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You really need to discuss this before you guys decide to be exclusive.  It could be a deal breaker for him and he needs to know... Not telling him would be a lie.  Reverse the roles and think about when you would want him to tell you.  I'm not saying tell him right now, but think it over carefully because you don't want a relationship that starts with lying

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9 hours ago, Megthe said:

You really need to discuss this before you guys decide to be exclusive.  It could be a deal breaker for him and he needs to know... Not telling him would be a lie.  Reverse the roles and think about when you would want him to tell you.  I'm not saying tell him right now, but think it over carefully because you don't want a relationship that starts with lying

All of this. Except, I would bring it up before getting into the more serious dating relationship. Why build a foundation on lies and secrecy?

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1 hour ago, rubyredd said:

All of this. Except, I would bring it up before getting into the more serious dating relationship. Why build a foundation on lies and secrecy?

I have dated Vanilla for the majority of my involvement in the scene and I always led with the fact regarding my participation.  I believe it is best to disclose everything so that they can make a choice rather than taking away a choice after they have become vested in a relationship that wasn't based on full disclosure.

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Several folks have nailed it. It’s better to just be open about your needs etc than cover it up.

Imagine if you guys hit it off and he finds out vs telling him now and rolling the dice. 
 

Ive learned to be upfront in any dating profiles, it’s surprisingly effective. When in a relationship it’s best to do same thing. 

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Naomi, please read all these posts closely. There's a lot of personal experiences being brought out for you to ponder.  Hopefully you will learn what happens when a relationship has secrets. Sooner or later what your doing  will be found out. It'll eat you up inside eventually, untill you face the truth. You are young and getting involved in a possible life long family type relationship. Your non sexual spanking relationship (I might guess it's with a much older male) is one not easy to find, nor is a serious sexual relationship.

I certainly can't get into your head as people are different in so many ways. But in my long life experience, there becomes a time when exclusivity sometimes rears its head, and jelously gets in the way, whether your a male or a female. Ideally, you should be, at your age, seeking a lover who also loves to spank. Be comfortable enough with yourself to express your feelings early on. I promise, you will feel better in the long run.

Face it, the reason you brought it up in this forum is you already have doubts. 

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3 minutes ago, paparondoc said:

Naomi, please read all these posts closely. There's a lot of personal experiences being brought out for you to ponder.  Hopefully you will learn what happens when a relationship has secrets. Sooner or later what your doing  will be found out. It'll eat you up inside eventually, untill you face the truth. You are young and getting involved in a possible life long family type relationship. Your non sexual spanking relationship (I might guess it's with a much older male) is one not easy to find, nor is a serious sexual relationship.

I certainly can't get into your head as people are different in so many ways. But in my long life experience, there becomes a time when exclusivity sometimes rears its head, and jelously gets in the way, whether your a male or a female. Ideally, you should be, at your age, seeking a lover who also loves to spank. Be comfortable enough with yourself to express your feelings early on. I promise, you will feel better in the long run.

Face it, the reason you brought it up in this forum is you already have doubts. 

She hasn't said she's going to marry this guy. She has said, somewhere in her other posts about her spanker, that he's around her age, and that spanking is strictly disciplinary for her.

Some people prefer not to mix a disciplinary dynamic with a romantic/sexual relationship. I don't know if @Naomi is one of them, but let's not assume anything unless she decides to tell us.

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Thanks all. Appreciate your insights and advice. It's hard to argue with any of the points you make about not being able to hide things in the long term and it being better to be open. The thing I have to figure out is when in a new relationship to mention the dynamic that I have with a male friend (who any boyfriend of mine would be likely to meet). And then there is obviously a huge question of whether this guy or any other sexual partner will find that totally weird/acceptable/can live with it etc.

Bramblewine: you're totally right, I definitely am not planning to marry the guy (we've been on three dates and I quite like the guy - we might date but it's early days). And, yehp, Jay is around my age and it's definitely purely disciplinary - I have never mixed discipline with sex and consider myself to pretty vanilla sexually.

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Thanks all. Appreciate your insights and advice. It's hard to argue with any of the points you make about not being able to hide things in the long term and it being better to be open. The thing I have to figure out is when in a new relationship to mention the dynamic that I have with a male friend (who any boyfriend of mine would be likely to meet). And then there is obviously a huge question of whether this guy or any other sexual partner will find that totally weird/acceptable/can live with it etc.

Bramblewine: you're totally right, I definitely am not planning to marry the guy (we've been on three dates and I quite like the guy - we might date but it's early days). And, yehp, Jay is around my age and it's definitely purely disciplinary - I have never mixed discipline with sex and consider myself to pretty vanilla sexually.

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  • 3 months later...

Women keep secrets. It should come natural to you. You may think that it is not a secret,

ie., Discretion is the better part of valor.

I leave any woman who hides things from me. Even before getting intimate with her.

Both of you go out for a couple of drinks, or smoke a jay, and talk to him about it. This is what I would do. Let the chips fall where they may.

No future with women who are not honest.

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12 hours ago, HeartnBottomWarmer said:

For sure, Summer. I do feel that women use more so called "white lies". Even using lots of makeup could be considered to be a white lie. Just makes women more spankable. Gotta love them! ?

So then... you're telling white lies every time you put clothes on? Brush your hair? Look, I know you're not meaning to be insulting but words have actual meanings. You can't just make a wholesale "women lie more" and then when Summer pushes back say, "Oh sure, you're right. But women lie more."

Should probably keep my trap shut but patronizing men rattle my cage apparently. ?

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 9/1/2021 at 10:11 AM, Naomi said:

Hi guys,

So I have a dilemma which I'd appreciate your thoughts on. As some of you know my er is a good friend but he's not a partner and we've never been romantically involved. We've had our arrangement for about 9-10 months now, I've been single for that time so no issue has arisen until now. But I've just met a guy and we've been on a few dates and just spent a first night together. I'm obviously really private about the fact that I get spanked and arrangement I have with my friend (I can't talk about it with anyone and that's one of the reasons why this place is a great outlet). But I am worried about whether this is something one can really hide from a boyfriend (if we get to that point). I am concerned that he (and any guy I meet) will struggle to understand that I get disciplined by a close male friend.

Does anyone have any experience of having to raise this with a new partner? Or have any of you managed to keep it secret from them? For now, I'd like to do that but if I am going through a period when I'm getting spanked quite regularly (it varies), marks will be a problem if a new boyfriend sees my bottom. Again - any suggestions welcome! I'm finding it stressful.

Naomi

 

Welcome Naomi, I definitely can relate and would love to chat more with you. 

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