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On Kink-Shaming and when to disclose....


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Have you ever been shamed for your kink?  Have you ever had an overwhelming urge to confess to a "normie" that you either love to be spanked, love to spank, or have tremendous love for any other kink only to be met with a glazed over look of utter indifference or even worse, condemnation and repulsion...as if you're some kind of freak ??? 

I have learned a few lessons about this, wondering if anybody has tips or anything to add:

1.  Most people do not care about your kinks.  Even kinky people only want to hear about it if it happens to perfectly align with their own kinks.   For instance, try bringing up other kinks on Spanking Needs, and it goes over like a lead balloon.   (Which is completely understandable, this is a spanking forum after all.  But really, getting "ewwwwws" from other spankos when you happen to bring up other fetishes is sort of ironic.)

2.  There is a time and place to disclose your kinks to another individual, and if you happen to miss the window of opportunity you may get kink-shamed.   For instance,  never look too eager to disclose your fetishes because it may make you seem too obsessed.    If you're too late in your disclosure it may look like you're ashamed of your kinks, hesitant, or lack confidence in expressing what turns you on. 

Any other tips or hints or real-life anecdotes on when might be the proper time to disclose kinks to normie friends or someone you're interested in ?????

 

 

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I haven't really experienced actual kink-shaming other than from a few vanillas (meaning non-spankos). No biggie.

I have never gotten a real ewwww when talking about some of my secondary interests (e.g., bondage). The exception is probably my interest in enemas - people either like it or don't. But, no one has ever been rude about it. 

As for the second point... I haven't had an issue with this. I am obsessed with spanking, so I would bring it up. But, it is never too late.

So, about being shamed... it happened to me in high school and once in college. Not since. In high school it was horrible and hurtful and in a small town... hard to cope with. In college, I said, "well, fuck you" and walked away.

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        Unfortunately for me and the state I live in, I have been directly kink-shamed for a long time. It was actually a pretty funny mistake.

        I know the Er’s will understand the moment, even the EE’s might have it as a fantasy, for the record it wasn’t one of hers. 
 

       I was attending a local school here called UVSC, around the time I was 19. I lived in a four plex unit across town by the local hospital and rode the 862 uta bus several times a day.

      I was in a ddlg relationship with another 19 year old female “little.” Literally a live in music major. 
 

     The apartment was pretty simple, if you opened the front door from the porch, the hinges were on the left, as soon as you opened it you had full view of the living room area.

    In the living room from that spot in far left  corner was the glass sliding door with those annoying blinds that get twisted or break won’t slide etc. There was a 4 foot corner right by those blinds that was my favorite corner for “Corner time.”

   One day I was doing finals, she had done hers and was officially on “summer break,” and was home always. I give her 100 bucks, said use it to get some groceries. We were completely out of anything to eat.

  I get a little “hangry,” sometimes. I completed all my finals around 7 pm that day. Hopped on the bus, headed home, got there friggin starving.

   Still no groceries. AND! My little even had the guts too ask me what was for dinner while telling me what else she had spent the money on. I shit you not!

  I said I’ll tell you what we’re having, grabbed the phone of the wall, called Pizza Hut, got the usual 45 minutes for delivery, and hung that thing up. Pulled the money out and set it in shelf by door.

   Than proceeded too woop her little butt good. I mean DAMN good. After I was satisfied that she had gotten the point, to the corner she was sent, nothing on from the waste down on, with a freshly “leave no doubt,” spanked ass on display. 
 

  Than the doorbell rang. Without even thinking about it, I walked over grabbed the money and opened the door. 
 

  It was the pizza delivery person, and boy did he get a shocker. She was directly in view. Even stuttering and eyes going back and forth between her and me like you wouldn’t believe. Than the missionaries showed up. I shit you not it was 4 young females around our age. 
 

  Once the dust settled at front door, I finally had possession of a pizza. Closed it, and realized what just happened. I was unquestionably just outted as a spanko. BIGTIME. 
 

     They hadn’t seen her face or anything so she was ok with it but was in complete utter shock. Like, seriously. By the end of the week the whole neighborhood and school knew.

    People I used to hang with no longer hung out, girls I used to talk with ran the other direction. Needless to say it kind of sucked bigtime being “different.”

   If you want to know what it was like being Rosa parks, out yourself as a spanko in the late 90’s and I’ll tell you all about it.

   Thing is, I never changed. I kept doing my thing and than I realized that while all that was going on, there’s was a flip side to it. I wasn’t the only kinkster around, I was just the first one where it was official and well known.

   My social circle grew much larger than it ever was, the bigger it got, the more people shut up. This social circle was different though. It was unique to say the least but I had officially “Found my peoples.” 
 

   Moral of story? Don’t be afraid to embrace yourself. If friends family etc can’t handle it we’re they ever really that? Be you. Do what makes you happy, be what makes you happy. give everyone else the finger. 

   No, pizza hit never answered our calls ever again, but the silver lining was the missionaries never beat down door again either. 😂🤷‍♂️

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I openly admit that my other kink is something we're conditioned to find gross from the time we're potty trained. At least, that's how it used to be. During one of my sister's holiday parties, I was in the bathroom and a little boy needed to pee, but ended up wetting himself because he couldn't hold it while I finished. All his parents had as spare underwear were his brother's diapers. From what I heard, he didn't mind. I'm glad that parents are moving away from the stigma of "diapers are for babies and old people". Now, my diaper kink is actually becoming practical because I do occasionally leak a little before from sudden urges.

The other problem, has to do with people mistaking Diaper Lovers/Adult Babies with pedophiles. We want to enjoy pretending to be little or having fewer responsibilities, we don't want to do anything to actual children. As a coworker I don't always agree with said, when people say things like that it's the listener/observer who has the problem.

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        It’s cool @Zhal. I’ve personally only ever met one woman that had a diaper fetish. Think onesie, binky, diapers, baby bottles, pigtails, stuffed animals, crayons and coloring books, even a crib and changing table. the works. No shit.

      Personally for me, I tend to lean more towards the middles/bigs. I like to actually develop a certain level of respect for one another. I personally struggled a lot, like WTF am I doing type of struggle. 
 

    Reason being is I don’t know how to take a person in that stage of their journey to where they need to be, in order for the relationship too actually last. I still don’t too this day. 
 

  Keep in mind though I said “where they need to be.” That’s subjective terminology because it implies that I’m some sort of expert. I am definitely no expert when it comes to the whole diaper fetish thing. 
 

   At the end of the day when the smoke clears though, you are in fact, more of an expert at it. Be you. People want to judge and classify you based on it, let them. Ignore them, be you, move the hell on.

  When the sun rises after the smoke has cleared and there is mist, fog, or frost on the ground. You’ll be happier, I guarantee it.
 

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Nine years ago I finally came out to my boyfriend. The outcome was not good. He was in total shock that his devout, church-going, "pure" girlfriend would be into something as perverted as spanking. That talk was the beginning of the end of our relationship. I took this very vulnerable part of myself back to its secret hiding place, where I didn't let it out again for another eight years.

During the last 3-4 months of 2019, a need to connect with other spankos began to stir inside me, so strongly that I couldn't ignore it, and this time, that need refused to be silenced. So at the start of January 2020 I joined a dating site, and as I got to know guys, I came out to them that I was into spanking. Guess how many spankos I met? Not one. While I struck up friendly connections with a small handful of guys there, they were all vanilla. (I also ran across two scammers on the site, which is beside the point, but it shook my trust in the online dating scene.) One month later, on February 3rd, I deleted my account there, and that same night, I found SN. 

Last summer I came out to a vanilla guy friend who was interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with me. He, too, was shocked and disappointed, even suggesting I try therapy to overcome this "abnormality" that he didn't understand. But right around that time I also came out to a few of my closest, oldest friends, who handled the news with lighthearted, joyful acceptance. They even disclosed a kink of their own. Bonding. At this point, about half of my close friends know. 

What embarrassed me deeply years ago doesn't faze me near as much now. I do think, though, that men in general, and business professionals in particular, need to be mindful to not disclose anything that could jeopardize their careers. Also, this isn't something you want spread around if you live in a small town. And I have never shared this information with anyone I work with. 

On a side note, I think the "ewww!" factor that kinksters have for other people's kinks actually stems from a subconscious feeling of being flawed and defective, and relieved that we aren't THAT messed up. One might say to themselves, "I may like spanking, but at least I don't have that fetish!"

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@Chawsee- I am so sorry you experienced this level of kink-shaming.  That had to be hurtful and frustrating. 

@Topspanker- wow and yikes... but at lesdt you found the bright side and a way through it. 

I grew up in a small town, which like Chawsee indicated can create its own issues with gossip. Yes, I got teased - but very few people truly shamed me for it; though some of the teasing was malicious. 

I tend to think spankos are best suited to our own kind, but I dated vanillas up until age 24 or 25. I introduced my spanko kink with the first few dates. Because spanking is a need. I am relatively open about my kink, though less so than in my 20s. Just like anything else, your greatest source of shame is in yourself. If you can get past that, you will likely be a lot happier. 

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The way I do the whole online thing is to disclose it in the profile upfront. That way anyone who reaches out is aware of it from the start.

I do agree with @rubyredd though. We really are better off running with our own crowd.
   Plus if your watching a show and have friends over etc and she starts being mouthy or whatever, it’s no big deal if you take her in the bedroom for a few minutes.

   Nobody even bats an eye, whereas if you had vanilla people around they tend to panic and run. 

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I am "out" to a number of vanillas, including one sister, some locals, and some Facebook friends. With one exception, I have found that people tend to be intrigued and curious about it. But it's kind of like politics and religion - you have to know your audience before going down that road. 

I have not found that anyone has ever judged or shamed me over it, however I have found that other people have opened up more about themselves after I have shared my interests. For example, after I told my sister, she told me about a guy who likes to worship her feet. 

I have always loved this quote: "Be so yourself that other people are comfortable being themselves around you."  I haven't always been this way, it took some time. But what I came to realize is that no one really cares what I do - they all have their own stuff to worry about.  And not coincidentally, the 50 Shades trilogy has sold 150 million copies worldwide.

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None of my vanilla friends know.  It’s just a place I can’t go with them.  Possibly being an EE is a big part of it.  And with the field I’m in it’s something I could NEVER allow to leak to my work colleagues.

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18 hours ago, rubyredd said:

@Chawsee- I am so sorry you experienced this level of kink-shaming.  That had to be hurtful and frustrating. 

@Topspanker- wow and yikes... but at lesdt you found the bright side and a way through it. 

I grew up in a small town, which like Chawsee indicated can create its own issues with gossip. Yes, I got teased - but very few people truly shamed me for it; though some of the teasing was malicious. 

I tend to think spankos are best suited to our own kind, but I dated vanillas up until age 24 or 25. I introduced my spanko kink with the first few dates. Because spanking is a need. I am relatively open about my kink, though less so than in my 20s. Just like anything else, your greatest source of shame is in yourself. If you can get past that, you will likely be a lot happier. 

Thank you. And I agree that spankos are best suited to their own kind. At least it's that way for some of us. I have a few guy friends here who are married to vanilla wives, and they speak lovingly of their marriages. They recognize that they have a good woman, and are able to remain happily married. I think if a person is satisfied with vanilla sex, they can make a vanilla marriage work quite well. But because spanking is wired right into my sexuality, this would never work long-term for me.

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It goes without saying, but anybody with any sort of kink must be very careful. For the most part, mine is a big time secret. I’ve told some vanillas over the years. Some were just floored, of course. 🙄 But, some were fine with it and never judged. It wasn’t their thing, but they didn’t look at me any differently because it was my thing. I have even talked a few vanilla females into turning me over their knees and blistering my bottom. 😁 And you know, I think they actually enjoyed it. They got out their frustrations for sure! 😊 One time in particular, a blonde female friend of mine (who was a total vanilla) and I argued and I had made her so mad, suddenly, she had NO problem taking me over her knee! Let’s just say, I didn’t sit for a day or two! I used to tease that girl mercilessly. And she teased back, giving every bit as good as she was given, LOL. Good times. I digress 😊 

I will say this too. Anybody who is into kink also has to be careful, even within their own circles. A fellow kinkster/spanko can also shame you, even despite being into it themselves. Also, and this is a BIG one. Be extremely careful of “former spankos”. Now, granted, those are fewer and further between. So encountering them isn’t highly likely. But, they can be the most problematic. Examples would be someone who was into it but found religion or for some reason, had a change of heart. I was burned once by a woman who “denounced the lifestyle”. She only spanked me twice, but she left the lifestyle knowing a lot about me. And she talked. Luckily I worked damage control and quelled it. These “former spankos” who have “walked away from the lifestyle” have this desire to go be among the vanilla and they will take a holier than thou stance after they leave. And they will toss spankos, who they were once among, right under the bus. 

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My biggest kink "shamer" is my own husband (of 16 years). He obliges with the occasional swats, but he also calls me weird and attempts to shut down my kink if he sees it becoming obvious. He's made it clear over the years that he doesn't like spanking, and he doesn't like that I like it.

Just today, I was folding laundry, and I had washed a pair of ballet-type bedroom slippers with plastic soles. I swatted the inside of my thigh, just to feel what it was like, and he told the dog, "Your mom's weird. She's got a bit of kink in her."

And I said, "What's wrong with that?"

He replied, "Just gotta make sure that the kinks align."

"With who?"

"With your partner."

"Are you saying I chose the wrong partner?"

"Just the wrong kink." [He HAS no kinks, I guess]

So, I mostly keep it under wraps, and find myself at websites like this.

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