Jump to content
Spanking Needs Forums

Recommended Posts

11 minutes ago, Summer said:

Agreed. I‚Äôm taking information from both forums, analyzing it using my overthinking brain ūü§£, and taking what I need while leaving the rest. Some of the arrangements¬†¬†on both forums would be way too intense for me.¬†

My big caveat about DD, including the cooperative form that my wife and I practice, is that it IS totally intense.  My wife and I were spankos together for 25+ years before adopting a DD arrangement, and even then, it was mind-blowing in ways I never anticipated.  Please be very careful and approach it with caution.

  • Like 2
Link to post
2 minutes ago, Rand E said:

My big caveat about DD, including the cooperative form that my wife and I practice, is that it IS totally intense.  My wife and I were spankos together for 25+ years before adopting a DD arrangement, and even then, it was mind-blowing in ways I never anticipated.  Please be very careful and approach it with caution.

Absolutely. One of the things I noticed on the other site and that I think speaks to the original topic of this thread is that it seems some people were somewhat pushed into the idea of DD by their spouse. Or they both agreed but one pushed the other to make it more intense. I think every relationship has to take time to grow and nothing that is forced is going to go well. I have zero plans of pushing my HOH to become more of a disciplinarian that he wants to be. His consent is important to me too. I won’t be making him feel like he’s not leading me well enough if he isn’t spanking me exactly the way I want it or whatever. I want both of us to grow comfortable with our roles together so I never have to worry I pushed him beyond the erotic I know he’s interested in and into territory he wasn’t wanting but may feel like I’d be disappointed in him if he didn’t do. That’s not real consent if he feels like I’m not happy if he isn’t what I want him to be. I want him for him. 

  • Like 2
Link to post

Good topic.  I guess I’m in the casual group, because I’m now on my third disciplinarian and though I was married in the past, it was to a vanilla woman, and I wasn’t in a spanking relationship with anyone, nor was I pursuing one, at that time.  

My first spanker was my girlfriend (not even close to a disciplinarian, just a wild and crazy spanking partner). ¬†My¬†second disciplinarian, and now my third disciplinarian, were/are non-romantic disciplinarians. ¬†But I don‚Äôt hop around, I stay with the one I have at the time, and I‚Äôve been giving it my best shot to make my **current** ER my official life partner. ¬†But it‚Äôs hopeless. ¬†She just doesn‚Äôt feel that way about me. ¬†ūüėʬ†¬†

But when I found her here last year, and I liked her a lot and asked her to mentor me, she initiated numerous discussions about boundaries, consent, implements of choice,  preferred position, what the ideal spanking looked like, felt like, and the mental affect it had on me, and how I felt about 100 little details.... She covered EVERYTHING imaginable.  And then she told me to pick a safe-word, which I would use if I ever needed it.  Selecting a safe-word wasn’t an option; it was an order.  So though I’ve never had to use it, I have one in place.

Link to post
9 hours ago, SpudStateSpanky said:

Good topic.  I guess I’m in the casual group, because I’m now on my third disciplinarian and though I was married in the past, it was to a vanilla woman, and I wasn’t in a spanking relationship with anyone, nor was I pursuing one, at that time.  

My first spanker was my girlfriend (not even close to a disciplinarian, just a wild and crazy spanking partner). ¬†My¬†second disciplinarian, and now my third disciplinarian, were/are non-romantic disciplinarians. ¬†But I don‚Äôt hop around, I stay with the one I have at the time, and I‚Äôve been giving it my best shot to make my **current** ER my official life partner. ¬†But it‚Äôs hopeless. ¬†She just doesn‚Äôt feel that way about me. ¬†ūüėʬ†¬†

But when I found her here last year, and I liked her a lot and asked her to mentor me, she initiated numerous discussions about boundaries, consent, implements of choice,  preferred position, what the ideal spanking looked like, felt like, and the mental affect it had on me, and how I felt about 100 little details.... She covered EVERYTHING imaginable.  And then she told me to pick a safe-word, which I would use if I ever needed it.  Selecting a safe-word wasn’t an option; it was an order.  So though I’ve never had to use it, I have one in place.

It sounds like you and your ER had a very thorough discussion about the terms and conditions of your arrangement, although I take it you did not put it in writing.  Nevertheless, I am of the opinion that you can reach a substantial meeting-of-the-minds by having that dialogue and reviewing all the details. 

As I mentioned earlier, I don't feel that putting the agreement in writing is always advisable, but I am unsure and ambivalent on that point.  I didn't do anything in writing with my wife, but I have reasons for that, some of which I could share here, and some of which are strictly private.  Of course, that's the whole point of these discussions.  We all have different arrangements with different circumstances and different needs, so it winds up being an individual decision we each have to make.

Link to post

Get it in writing?

This topic of consent, I have given it a lot of thought.  The reason I want to discuss it here is to see if there is any consensus of opinion on these matters among the folks here on SN.  The best possible thing we could do is figure out some good basic rules of thumb as guidance for anybody starting a spanking relationship.  Is there a consensus to be had on any of these practices?  

So, I have an important specific question:  How many of you on the forum here have drafted a written agreement concerning your spanking arrangement (spanking, DD, BDSM, pro-or-amateur-disciplinarian, whatever).  How do you feel about having a written agreement versus just talking it out and doing the proverbial hand-shake  (verbal) agreement?  Should everybody strive to get it in writing and make it as crystal clear possible?  Assuming you had pondered the matter in your relationship, what conditions or circumstances guided you to make that decision.  Please, if you could indulge me and share your thoughts on that, not just from the perspective of how you planned it out prior to making your spanking agreement, but how, in the long run, did it actually work out?          

 

Link to post

@Rand E

We didn’t write up any kind of formal agreement on these terms.  Many of the details were discussed in emails, so I guess there was a written trail of much of what was said, but some of it was also discussed during phone conversations.  

While we didn’t make a formal contract out of it, we both invested a lot of time getting to know each other before our first meet-up, so we were friends by then, and there was just something about her.  I knew I could trust her.  I also made sure that she felt completely safe with me.

If I hired a pro or was into casual spanking hook-ups with people I barely knew, I would definitely want a contract.  That’s just the businessman in me.

Link to post

After reading and talking with others over the years I have noticed that each person has their own version of consent. For some it's verbal communication, written documents,  bratting or hinting, etc. For me it's always been verbal communication. It's important for me that the spanker takes time to get to know me, understands me, that we have an element of trust in place, similar views, we know each other's experience and limits, etc. 

Although I have had a few casual encounters with spankers over the years, I only count 3 spanking relationships in my 33 years in this lifestyle. ( Being a submissive, casual encounters don't feel right for me) All long term. All consent was given after long conversations over time. Nothing happened overnight or until trust was established.  The first was my introduction into this lifestyle. It was a Dom/sub arrangement and after 1 1/2 years I knew that it wouldn't last for the long haul. I am a submissive, but I couldn't give myself up to absolute complete control. This guy was into choosing my clothing, setting my schedule, humiliating me in front of others, etc. I know now that it was more for him rather than what was best for me. He professed to love me, but I didn't find these things to be loving, they were only controlling. I was a sub and not a slave. I withdrew consent and moved on.

The second was my husband of 15 years. We were together for a few months before the first spanking happened. I had a lot more experience than he did so we spent months communicating and figuring out what we wanted and how to go about it. One day, we just decided this was the day we would try it and consent was given from that point on. We married and there was a consensual non consent agreement in place from there. He didn't take spanking lightly and it was rarely done for play. If he spanked me, there was a good reason. It was for punishment.  This was a Domestic Discipline arrangement. It served us well and I think it made our marriage easier and stronger. 

My third and current relationship has been my ideal relationship. We have a good mix of both worlds ( Some D's, but mainly DD) and it's been the most fulfilling relationship of my life. Hopefully, the last!! We talked for quite awhile about our past experiences, our limits, the importance of communication and trust, etc. When I gave consent to him, it was in a dare. He finally asked one day, after we couldn't seem to find anything else to talk about, "So, when are you going to let me spank you?" I replied, "If you can find me, you can spank me!!" He said, "I'll be there by noon." ( Noon would be an hour from this last message.) I laughed and thought, "Yeah, right!!".  We had exchanged first and last names, occupations, but no addresses, etc. I hadn't stopped to think about how visible I was on the internet with my job and he showed up an hour later. So, my consent was given through bratting/daring, but also after a lot of communication and open and honest talking. By the time he showed up at my door I already had a deep trust in him. We talked for a bit and introduced ourselves, but he did spank me before he left. 

In the beginning it was to be a Mentor/Disciplinarian/ Mentee sort of thing, but it evolved into so much more. We have been a couple for most of 10 years now. There is a consensual non consent agreement in place. We don't have an agreement in writing, but I do have a list of rules in writing. He has the last word in things and I'm not allowed to tell him no, but he is not a control freak and he is always willing to talk, listen and reason if the situation calls for it. Domestic Discipline works well for us. We have never had an argument or fight. It's the most relaxed and loving relationship I have ever had.

We have never had a safe word. He knows me well and we have a deep trust. He has always been good at reading my signals (verbal and non-verbal) and body language and he watches closely. He never spanks just to spank. Each spanking has a good reason and was well earned on my part. Most of my spankings are for punishment, but my submissive side needs them too. He usually knows when I need a restart, an attitude adjustment or stress release. He doesn't ask my permission, he just does it. He doesn't have a problem spanking the hell out of me when it's needed, but he does it with love and care. 

I don't believe consent needs to come in writing unless that's what you need. Maybe it's a new arrangement and you need to see the boundaries and limits before you can consent.  Maybe this is more of a business type deal for you or the written agreement makes you feel better. Or you both need things spelled out in a specific manner. I think everyone should do what feels right for the spanker and spankee both.

Anyway, consent is different in each situation and for each person. As long as consent has been agreed upon I don't think there needs to be a particular universal way to show it. Something, new, casual or short may require verbal consent each time.  Or it might be that during something silly and fun consent may be implied and given during bratting or hints. Consent doesn't always have to come in verbal form once you have an established relationship. It comes from knowing each other. It comes from long standing agreements. It comes from love and care. 

Just my two cents worth.

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to post
12 minutes ago, shygurl said:

After reading and talking with others over the years I have noticed that each person has their own version of consent. For some it's verbal communication, written documents,  bratting or hinting, etc. For me it's always been verbal communication. It's important for me that the spanker takes time to get to know me, understands me, that we have an element of trust in place, similar views, we know each other's experience and limits, etc. 

Although I have had a few casual encounters with spankers over the years, I only count 3 spanking relationships in my 33 years in this lifestyle. ( Being a submissive, casual encounters don't feel right for me) All long term. All consent was given after long conversations over time. Nothing happened overnight or until trust was established.  The first was my introduction into this lifestyle. It was a Dom/sub arrangement and after 1 1/2 years I knew that it wouldn't last for the long haul. I am a submissive, but I couldn't give myself up to absolute complete control. This guy was into choosing my clothing, setting my schedule, humiliating me in front of others, etc. I know now that it was more for him rather than what was best for me. He professed to love me, but I didn't find these things to be loving, they were only controlling. I was a sub and not a slave. I withdrew consent and moved on.

The second was my husband of 15 years. We were together for a few months before the first spanking happened. I had a lot more experience than he did so we spent months communicating and figuring out what we wanted and how to go about it. One day, we just decided this was the day we would try it and consent was given from that point on. We married and there was a consensual non consent agreement in place from there. He didn't take spanking lightly and it was rarely done for play. If he spanked me, there was a good reason. It was for punishment.  This was a Domestic Discipline arrangement. It served us well and I think it made our marriage easier and stronger. 

My third and current relationship has been my ideal relationship. We have a good mix of both worlds ( Some D's, but mainly DD) and it's been the most fulfilling relationship of my life. Hopefully, the last!! We talked for quite awhile about our past experiences, our limits, the importance of communication and trust, etc. When I gave consent to him, it was in a dare. He finally asked one day, after we couldn't seem to find anything else to talk about, "So, when are you going to let me spank you?" I replied, "If you can find me, you can spank me!!" He said, "I'll be there by noon." ( Noon would be an hour from this last message.) I laughed and thought, "Yeah, right!!".  We had exchanged first and last names, occupations, but no addresses, etc. I hadn't stopped to think about how visible I was on the internet with my job and he showed up an hour later. So, my consent was given through bratting/daring, but also after a lot of communication and open and honest talking. By the time he showed up at my door I already had a deep trust in him. We talked for a bit and introduced ourselves, but he did spank me before he left. 

In the beginning it was to be a Mentor/Disciplinarian/ Mentee sort of thing, but it evolved into so much more. We have been a couple for most of 10 years now. There is a consensual non consent agreement in place. We don't have an agreement in writing, but I do have a list of rules in writing. He has the last word in things and I'm not allowed to tell him no, but he is not a control freak and he is always willing to talk, listen and reason if the situation calls for it. Domestic Discipline works well for us. We have never had an argument or fight. It's the most relaxed and loving relationship I have ever had.

We have never had a safe word. He knows me well and we have a deep trust. He has always been good at reading my signals (verbal and non-verbal) and body language and he watches closely. He never spanks just to spank. Each spanking has a good reason and was well earned on my part. Most of my spankings are for punishment, but my submissive side needs them too. He usually knows when I need a restart, an attitude adjustment or stress release. He doesn't ask my permission, he just does it. He doesn't have a problem spanking the hell out of me when it's needed, but he does it with love and care. 

I don't believe consent needs to come in writing unless that's what you need. Maybe it's a new arrangement and you need to see the boundaries and limits before you can consent.  Maybe this is more of a business type deal for you or the written agreement makes you feel better. Or you both need things spelled out in a specific manner. I think everyone should do what feels right for the spanker and spankee both.

Anyway, consent is different in each situation and for each person. As long as consent has been agreed upon I don't think there needs to be a particular universal way to show it. Something, new, casual or short may require verbal consent each time.  Or it might be that during something silly and fun consent may be implied and given during bratting or hints. Consent doesn't always have to come in verbal form once you have an established relationship. It comes from knowing each other. It comes from long standing agreements. It comes from love and care. 

Just my two cents worth.

I agree. Your current relationship sounds very much like what I’m hoping mine will be like. It will take time to develop, but I’m excited for the ride. 

Link to post
2 hours ago, shygurl said:

Just my two cents worth.

Thank you so much for being so forthcoming about your experiences and how they relate to this topic.  You insights are worth far more than 2 cents!

 

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...