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Help a newb out! When is enough enough?


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Hello Spankos!  

So when topping, how do you know when a spanking is enough?  Especially in a role play or pick up play scenario with someone you aren't SUPER familiar with. 

I just finished an intense from the start role play as a with someone I have played with once before.  He is pretty stoic during the spanking, grunting and shifting, but not much more than that.  This time we did a funishment scene with no warm-up, and between my brush and his dry skin, I broke skin!  I called it at that point, even though he still seemed willing and had not used a safeword.  Next time I will ask him to lotion a few days in advance and upon arrival. 

But really my question is, how do you decide When it is  over, especiallly if it isn't real discipline and you didn't negotiate a specific time or number or level?   Do you just get bored? Wait til they look tired? Wait til they get real flinchy?  Any advice is appreciated!

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Not a Top, but I have been spanked a few times. 😆 You did the right thing by calling the scene. 

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1 hour ago, rubyredd said:

Not a Top, but I have been spanked a few times. 😆 You did the right thing by calling the scene. 

Thanks!  I don't mind if it happens to me and I am able to keep going, and he seems willing to play again.  I think we were both a little disappointed at the relative shortness of it though... Then again I think maybe TopTime and BottomTime clocks move at different speeds lol. 

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8 minutes ago, Megthe said:

Thanks!  I don't mind if it happens to me and I am able to keep going, and he seems willing to play again.  I think we were both a little disappointed at the relative shortness of it though... Then again I think maybe TopTime and BottomTime clocks move at different speeds lol. 

As a bottom, I know it can be disappointing when the spanking ends too soon - but it is better to err on the side of caution... especially when the skin has broken. I know some people enjoy that, but the only time I want that is when I have been switched and it is just a side-effect of that implement. I love being caned, but I do not want those extreme bloody welts like you see in some videos. Luckily, the cane usually only leaves me with nice welts.

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It is not a perfect science but that is why we have safe words.  It is best if they do not have to use it but you can only be so cautious or their needs will not be met.  The best way I know of is to communicate before hand and find out the best you can what the ee wants.  If the ee has limited experience, they may not be certain what they want, but get an idea of the limits they know they want, particularly about bruising.   Also, I do not like to do  discipline or role play the first spanking.  It is best to know their tolerance before hand.    

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iI'd have stopped too. I personally never skip the warmup, primarily because short sessions aren't my preference, and I always try not to break the skin because that's not something I'm into and I'm pretty selective about partners so they generally aren't either. As Ruby mentioned, you often can't avoid it in a switching, and if you're playing on a hike in a secluded area you almost have to use a switch at some point, it's probably a law!:) Typically though, drawing blood means calling a halt. I personally tend to apply cream or lotion fairly often throughout a session, my aftercare is typically during care as well. Post warmup go to spoon for awhile, then lotion, then brush, then lotion, then paddle, then maybe spoon again, then more lotion, then bathbrush, then lotion (always before and after bathbrush) then maybe a different paddle, the belt, then lotion, back to spoon (love spoons!) Etc. Not necessarily between each implement, sometimes I change on the fly every 90 seconds so it would disrupt the rhythm, but definitely anytime the skin starts to dry out. I always keep an extra large tube of it in every play bag, I find lotions/creams that specify for eczema treatment work best, but dealers choice.  Just my personal technique, your mileage may vary.

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  • 1 month later...

I agree with others, good job on calling the scene. This subject is a complicated one. Most tops want to take it as far as is needed and or wanted on the part of bottom.
 

I have met some seriously masochistic bottoms who -literally- will not use the safe word so I gauge it based on there butt and there reactions.

It can be challenging since they go into sub space sometimes but it works.

you can also watch there body, if there sweating a lot it usually means the spanking is effective and should start winding it down. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have asked that question of ERs several times and have observed what was done to me.  I have seen widely varying answers, including:

1. “When they stop resisting” whi

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Accidentally posted too soon.

I have asked that question of ERs several times and have observed what was done to me.  I have seen widely varying answers, including:

1. “When they stop resisting” which the person confirmed meant “beaten into submission.”

2.  If blood is drawn.

3.  If the EE becomes non-responsive.

4. When an allegedly characteristic odor is emitted in the sweat. I believe “Caged Lion” said this on his blog.

5. When “limits” are reached, and by “limits” I do not mean the EEs “perceived” limits. I mean the point past which the ER believes lasting physical or psychological damage will occur. 

I had one ER stop once when I started shaking uncontrollably.  Others blasted right through it.

The person who gave “1” as the answer stopped when I began crying uncontrollably, which continued for 10-15 mins afterward, along with snotting all over hotel bed that she did it on. Another time she ripped skin the size of a quarter off my ass and kept going.

If you really question someone in detail about this, as I have, it is surprising how hard a time they have articulating a clear answer.  Many claim to “just know” when to stop. 

 

 

 

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@gravano I wish I could give you a hug if you wanted it. 

My goal is to never take someone past the point where They want to be.  I may enjoy spanking them, but I care about people also, and want to approach the sessions with an agreed upon plan in place. It is one of the reasons I ask these questions.  I would much rather under spank than over spank.  

As a switch, I would never bottom for someone who approached spanking me most of the ways you describe.  It would be detrimental to me physically or emotionally...  Some people want to be spanked that way, more power to them.  I dont want to top or bottom in that fashion

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On 5/16/2021 at 4:48 PM, Megthe said:

Hello Spankos!  

So when topping, how do you know when a spanking is enough?  Especially in a role play or pick up play scenario with someone you aren't SUPER familiar with. 

I just finished an intense from the start role play as a with someone I have played with once before.  He is pretty stoic during the spanking, grunting and shifting, but not much more than that.  This time we did a funishment scene with no warm-up, and between my brush and his dry skin, I broke skin!  I called it at that point, even though he still seemed willing and had not used a safeword.  Next time I will ask him to lotion a few days in advance and upon arrival. 

But really my question is, how do you decide When it is  over, especiallly if it isn't real discipline and you didn't negotiate a specific time or number or level?   Do you just get bored? Wait til they look tired? Wait til they get real flinchy?  Any advice is appreciated!

I think you did right to call the scene. You weren’t comfortable with continuing after blood was drawn and I believe ERs should adhere to their own limits, not just the limits of the EE. I think it makes you a responsible spanker when you are paying attention to how his body is responding, not just his words. I think the safe word stops the scene yes, but the judgement of the ER can stop it before then. 
 

Did you tell him you broke the skin? If so, how did he respond to that knowledge?

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My apologies, I’m too new to give a knowledgeable opinion on this and should have kept my mouth shut. Especially since I’m not an ER on top of being a newbie. 

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Just now, Summer said:

I think you did right to call the scene. You weren’t comfortable with continuing after blood was drawn and I believe ERs should adhere to their own limits, not just the limits of the EE. I think it makes you a responsible spanker when you are paying attention to how his body is responding, not just his words. I think the safe word stops the scene yes, but the judgement of the ER can stop it before then. 
 

Did you tell him you broke the skin? If so, how did he respond to that knowledge?

I did tell him.  I kept the role going a little bit, confirmed he had learned his lesson, and told him to hold position.  I went and got some baby wipes and lotion.  I came back and told him his spanking was over and he had a little broken skin.  I told him i wanted to clean it up with the wipes and apply lotion.  He agreed.  I checked in with him a few daus later and he said everything was fine, and messaged me about a month later to schedule another spanking.

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1 minute ago, Summer said:

My apologies, I’m too new to give a knowledgeable opinion on this and should have kept my mouth shut. Especially since I’m not an ER on top of being a newbie. 

No please, I always welcome questions and ideas, even from the other side and other newbies.  😎  

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2 minutes ago, Megthe said:

I did tell him.  I kept the role going a little bit, confirmed he had learned his lesson, and told him to hold position.  I went and got some baby wipes and lotion.  I came back and told him his spanking was over and he had a little broken skin.  I told him i wanted to clean it up with the wipes and apply lotion.  He agreed.  I checked in with him a few daus later and he said everything was fine, and messaged me about a month later to schedule another spanking.

Sounds like he trusts you. If nothing else, stopping the scene probably made him trust you even more. 😊

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1 minute ago, Megthe said:

No please, I always welcome questions and ideas, even from the other side and other newbies.  😎  

🤗🤗

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19 hours ago, Megthe said:

@gravano I wish I could give you a hug if you wanted it. 

My goal is to never take someone past the point where They want to be.  I may enjoy spanking them, but I care about people also, and want to approach the sessions with an agreed upon plan in place. It is one of the reasons I ask these questions.  I would much rather under spank than over spank.  

As a switch, I would never bottom for someone who approached spanking me most of the ways you describe.  It would be detrimental to me physically or emotionally...  Some people want to be spanked that way, more power to them.  I dont want to top or bottom in that fashion

I appreciate that @Megthe.  I just didn’t know any better, and I had no frame of reference for how it should be.  Not all of them were like that all the time, and the last person I saw before I stopped the activity was very kind and caring.  It is great that you are asking the question and trying to get some guidance.

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One of a spanker's responsibilities is to KNOW when to stop.  If there is the slightest concern about whether a spanking is about to go too far, the best road is to stop at once.  Trust me, you can always make up for it later with no harm done.

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On 7/13/2021 at 10:24 PM, Summer said:

My apologies, I’m too new to give a knowledgeable opinion on this and should have kept my mouth shut. Especially since I’m not an ER on top of being a newbie. 

WHAT?……

I would hardly think apologizing is warranted, not that I am on the committee, or any one whose opinion matters, but her it is the but, seriously everyone has something to offer, regardless of their experiences, or role.

 

 

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On 7/13/2021 at 10:03 PM, gravano said:

Accidentally posted too soon.

 

I have asked that question of ERs several times and have observed what was done to me.  I have seen widely varying answers, including:

1. “When they stop resisting” which the person confirmed meant “beaten into submission.”

2.  If blood is drawn.

3.  If the EE becomes non-responsive.

4. When an allegedly characteristic odor is emitted in the sweat. I believe “Caged Lion” said this on his blog.

5. When “limits” are reached, and by “limits” I do not mean the EEs “perceived” limits. I mean the point past which the ER believes lasting physical or psychological damage will occur. 

I had one ER stop once when I started shaking uncontrollably.  Others blasted right through it.

The person who gave “1” as the answer stopped when I began crying uncontrollably, which continued for 10-15 mins afterward, along with snotting all over hotel bed that she did it on. Another time she ripped skin the size of a quarter off my ass and kept going.

If you really question someone in detail about this, as I have, it is surprising how hard a time they have articulating a clear answer.  Many claim to “just know” when to stop. 

 

 

 

For myself:

2 definitely

4 sounds like a folksy excuse to push an EE farther than they want to go to be frank. 

1, 3, and 5. I've heard all 3, and I truly hate these answers. Because even if it's something requested by an EE, those 3 answers are exactly what would be said by abusers who've found a steady supply of willing victims. There's no such thing as a psychic top. However good one may be at reading reactions you don't really know, for a fact, when you've pushed an EE too far. I'll always err on the side of my partners safety, and I have no time for ERs who wouldn't due to their own ego or power Trip or whatever. Just my opinion, but it's one formed over 20 years of spanking and I'll stick with it.

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On 7/13/2021 at 9:17 PM, Megthe said:

@gravano I wish I could give you a hug if you wanted it. 

My goal is to never take someone past the point where They want to be.  I may enjoy spanking them, but I care about people also, and want to approach the sessions with an agreed upon plan in place. It is one of the reasons I ask these questions.  I would much rather under spank than over spank.  

As a switch, I would never bottom for someone who approached spanking me most of the ways you describe.  It would be detrimental to me physically or emotionally...  Some people want to be spanked that way, more power to them.  I dont want to top or bottom in that fashion

I'm in agreement with everything you said here, Megthe. This can happen, and while a disappointment, a spankee's wellbeing is of far greater importance than the perfect scene. I have a strict rule that if the skin breaks, the spanking ends on the spot, so I would have done the same thing. Double-check your brush and make sure the edge is well beveled. Many brushes and paddles have a sharp edge. I have a fastidious rule that the paddle be absolutely smooth. ;) 

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I have always used red/yellow/green. When I first meet someone by that time there has been a very long discussion (think weeks, not days) about her and her experience and limits and limitations. 
 

by that time I have a pretty good idea of what’s she’s after. The first meetup is super relaxed, completely “out of character,” if you know what I mean by that. The goal is to get her to relax, not be tense, and have a little fun with it.

I try out several different types of implements, the actual goal of this is not only to test her reactions (huge clue) but also see her butts reaction(huge clue as well) 

by doing it this way I can actually tell when I’m reaching her upper limit. By watching and paying attention to what I’m doing you can see her reactions as well as the obvious reaction on her bottom, the giveaway is actually—-her feet—-

If she can keep them flat and not move.

First meeting is always with me sitting on bed/couch. She can lay completely flat and be comfortable. She is down to her t shirt and underwear. 
if her feet start squirming or moving I know it’s starting to sting. If she starts lifting one up, I know that we’re getting warmer. 
if she brings both of them up that’s we’re getting close to her upper limit. If she brings both of them up and crosses them, that’s her upper limit. It works like a charm. 

she won’t have any real physical/mental damage. That’s a common sense thing to me, any of those and we’re done for now. Her ass is usually quite red and super warm (fry an egg), but a little aloe Vera solves that plus I’ve never met an ee that didn’t like the feeling when you rub it on. 
 

I have -never- had a complaint doing it this way and I’ve always had what I like to call “repeated brats.” Try it, it works. 

 

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9 hours ago, Topspanker said:

I have always used red/yellow/green. When I first meet someone by that time there has been a very long discussion (think weeks, not days) about her and her experience and limits and limitations. 
 

by that time I have a pretty good idea of what’s she’s after. The first meetup is super relaxed, completely “out of character,” if you know what I mean by that. The goal is to get her to relax, not be tense, and have a little fun with it.

I try out several different types of implements, the actual goal of this is not only to test her reactions (huge clue) but also see her butts reaction(huge clue as well) 

by doing it this way I can actually tell when I’m reaching her upper limit. By watching and paying attention to what I’m doing you can see her reactions as well as the obvious reaction on her bottom, the giveaway is actually—-her feet—-

If she can keep them flat and not move.

First meeting is always with me sitting on bed/couch. She can lay completely flat and be comfortable. She is down to her t shirt and underwear. 
if her feet start squirming or moving I know it’s starting to sting. If she starts lifting one up, I know that we’re getting warmer. 
if she brings both of them up that’s we’re getting close to her upper limit. If she brings both of them up and crosses them, that’s her upper limit. It works like a charm. 

she won’t have any real physical/mental damage. That’s a common sense thing to me, any of those and we’re done for now. Her ass is usually quite red and super warm (fry an egg), but a little aloe Vera solves that plus I’ve never met an ee that didn’t like the feeling when you rub it on. 
 

I have -never- had a complaint doing it this way and I’ve always had what I like to call “repeated brats.” Try it, it works. 

 

So specific!  Thankyou!  As a greedy repeated brat I can tell you, for me the foot thing is pretty accurate UNTIL the crossing part.  That might be near my upper limit at that exact moment, but it doesn't nnecessarily mean I want the spanking to stop yet.  Sometomes hubbs gets thats signal very early, but he also tends to forget a proper warm up.  Then again, if you built it slowly and have a good warm up in, younare very probably right that they are about done.  I also think bratty spankees are like eager puppies... Bring them towards their "training" or spanking limit but stop a bit short, leaving them wanting a bit more, they will eagerly be asking for more soon!  🐶💪

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Very true @Megthe. However on a first meeting I’m not trying to push her limits etc. I’m trying to figure out where they actually are.

By watching the physical reactions and gauging them alongside her emotional reaction, finding her limits is damn near surgical precision.

Only after that will I push her limits a bit. Reason being is simple. If you don’t know where her limits start, how can you possibly know when you’re pushing them?

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