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HOH relationships and how they work for you.


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I have been seeing a lot of comments about other's HOH relationships. This question is for those who are in a HOH, MLR or FLR, or have been or want to be in this kind of relationship. How do you handle the disparities in the relationship? If one is HOH, what happens if the Dominant partner does something wrong? How much say should the submissive partner have in issues? Do you make decisions together? What happens if there's conflict or the submissive partner starts to feel resentment? Do you believe the HOH makes all the decisions and the submissive partner gets absolutely no say in anything? How does your dynamic work for you or what would you expect if you found your ideal HOH? Lots of questions I know but this subject fascinates me and I enjoy learning about other's views on this topic.

I was in a DD marriage and my ex-husband was HOH. This worked well at first but by the end he was regularly abusing his power and I couldn't live with that. The solution... I got a divorce! I'm not looking for another HOH relationship and even if I was, I'd be very ambivalent about entering another one. The perfect HOH relationship, for me, would be one where I was heard and there was good communication. It would have to be one that was led with love and forgiveness and not one of complete control. I think that if the HOH messes up he should make it up to me, in some way. I'm not a switch so I could never spank the HOH. Now it's your turn...

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21 minutes ago, sassylittle said:

I have been seeing a lot of comments about other's HOH relationships. This question is for those who are in a HOH, MLR or FLR, or have been or want to be in this kind of relationship. How do you handle the disparities in the relationship? If one is HOH, what happens if the Dominant partner does something wrong? How much say should the submissive partner have in issues? Do you make decisions together? What happens if there's conflict or the submissive partner starts to feel resentment? Do you believe the HOH makes all the decisions and the submissive partner gets absolutely no say in anything? How does your dynamic work for you or what would you expect if you found your ideal HOH? Lots of questions I know but this subject fascinates me and I enjoy learning about other's views on this topic.

I was in a DD marriage and my ex-husband was HOH. This worked well at first but by the end he was regularly abusing his power and I couldn't live with that. The solution... I got a divorce! I'm not looking for another HOH relationship and even if I was, I'd be very ambivalent about entering another one. The perfect HOH relationship, for me, would be one where I was heard and there was good communication. It would have to be one that was led with love and forgiveness and not one of complete control. I think that if the HOH messes up he should make it up to me, in some way. I'm not a switch so I could never spank the HOH. Now it's your turn...

I’m the HoH and the EE. I use the term head of household meaning I take care of the finances and upkeep of the house. We make most decisions jointly. I get excitable at times, and a bit nasty when things are not going well. That’s where my wife steps in as the ER. Spanking is a release, a reset, and intimate to us. 

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2 minutes ago, Busted4fun said:

I’m the HoH and the EE. I use the term head of household meaning I take care of the finances and upkeep of the house. We make most decisions jointly. I get excitable at times, and a bit nasty when things are not going well. That’s where my wife steps in as the ER. Spanking is a release, a reset, and intimate to us. 

Thank-you. That sounds like an interesting dynamic😀

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  • 2 months later...
On 4/16/2021 at 9:40 AM, sassylittle said:

 How does your dynamic work for you or what would you expect if you found your ideal HOH?

The perfect HOH relationship, for me, would be one where I was heard and there was good communication. It would have to be one that was led with love and forgiveness and not one of complete control. I think that if the HOH messes up he should make it up to me, in some way. 

Love your questions!

Disparities -  If we did everything  like “equals”, we’d probably be arguing all the time.  When I “answer” to him, it’s happy and freeing.  I know my value and what I bring to the relationship. 
Wrong - He takes responsibility and we move on together.  He’d do so whether or not we were together. 
Say - My opinion is important to him, overall we work together.  Some matters I’ve learned to let go of - I don’t need to be part of every decision. 

Conflict - If it’s an important matter, we talk it out.  He wants my happiness.  For whatever reason, we don’t have much conflict.   Maybe it is respecting each other.  More minor matters I will yield to him.  I choose that. 

I agree, it would be very disappointing to live with a person who doesn’t know how to lead.  I’m madly in love with my Hoh, he is loving, honest and fair to me.  I didn’t know how amazing the dynamic could be and would never trade what we share.  


 

  

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Our relationship is very “normal” in that the DD/Spanking part of our relationship is a small, but important dimension. It’s more of a well understood undercurrent that if my wife disappoints me she is subject to a spanking. She is so dang good that I few opportunities to actually punish her…sometimes I wish she were more of a rogue 🙂

My wife’s happiness, opinions, needs and desires are on equal footing with my mine, but I have final say (we are rarely not aligned) on all big decisions. I am not interested in micromanaging her and trust her entirely. This doesn’t mean there aren’t disagreements about some of my decisions or rules, and occasionally she will wind up over my knee and feel as though I am making a big deal out of something ridiculous. 


Her most recent spanking was because I asked her repeatedly to be home by 6 from our daughters activities/play dates on weeknights (for good reason)?She took that to mean “6ish” and would come home 6:10, 6:20. I made a point after a short time to inform her that 6, meant no later than 6
and she should consider more of a deadline than a guideline. Few days later she saunters in at 6:15 with the excuse that she couldn’t get our daughter out of the pool. I tell her that results matter and we would be discussing it later before her spanking.  
She didn’t agree and felt as if I didn’t understand her day and what she has to juggle. I listened to her perspective, acknowledged a few points, but reminded her that I was very specific, and the spanking she was about to get will remind her that there are consequences for not executing on what I ask of her. 
 

She hasn’t been close to late since that spanking 3 weeks ago. So even though she perceived that punishment as “not fair”, it worked as intended: cleared the air and made my expectations very clear….and then we go fwd. 

I think people can get in trouble making DD too much of a game. In a marriage with children, especially, I think that can be really challenging. Finding the right equilibrium for both partners day to day is key, the HoH can’t just drive the dynamic to fit their needs and desires. 

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On 4/16/2021 at 8:40 AM, sassylittle said:

I have been seeing a lot of comments about other's HOH relationships. This question is for those who are in a HOH, MLR or FLR, or have been or want to be in this kind of relationship. How do you handle the disparities in the relationship? If one is HOH, what happens if the Dominant partner does something wrong? How much say should the submissive partner have in issues? Do you make decisions together? What happens if there's conflict or the submissive partner starts to feel resentment? Do you believe the HOH makes all the decisions and the submissive partner gets absolutely no say in anything? How does your dynamic work for you or what would you expect if you found your ideal HOH? Lots of questions I know but this subject fascinates me and I enjoy learning about other's views on this topic.

I was in a DD marriage and my ex-husband was HOH. This worked well at first but by the end he was regularly abusing his power and I couldn't live with that. The solution... I got a divorce! I'm not looking for another HOH relationship and even if I was, I'd be very ambivalent about entering another one. The perfect HOH relationship, for me, would be one where I was heard and there was good communication. It would have to be one that was led with love and forgiveness and not one of complete control. I think that if the HOH messes up he should make it up to me, in some way. I'm not a switch so I could never spank the HOH. Now it's your turn...

Well we started out a more of a HoH FLR now we have evolved after much talking in to something else.  We make decisions jointly and like today I was given a spanking for not keeping my car as clean as I should.  
 

We are both off today so we had planned on taking care of some of the punishments he had earned.  For us it works out very well, although I do not care to be on the receiving end sometimes it is necessary.  Like today I am usually spanked first then he is given his punishment.  We are not really a switch couple so I am not sure where we would fit in other than happy.

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  • 2 weeks later...

HOH's don't make mistakes. At least I don't :P

in all seriousness it's communication and respect. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. If I make a mistake I own up to it and we talk about it and move on. 

The biggest mistake I see people make is believe in the fantasy of an HOH relationship vs the reality of one. Almost anything from a book or movie is not how life actually works.  

 

 

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7 hours ago, SpankerGeek said:

HOH's don't make mistakes. At least I don't :P

in all seriousness it's communication and respect. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. If I make a mistake I own up to it and we talk about it and move on. 

The biggest mistake I see people make is believe in the fantasy of an HOH relationship vs the reality of one. Almost anything from a book or movie is not how life actually works.  

 

 

I think it builds trusts when the HOH is willing to admit they were wrong and apologize for it. I don’t see it as a weakness or damaging to the dynamic. The submissive partner to should be quick to forgive and let go of mistakes the HOH makes as we’re all human and the HOH needs some grace as well. 

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I was the HoH in relationship for 16 years and those are all great questions.

1- If the HoH makes a mistake admit to it. We’re all students in a big pond, everyone is human.

2- This one will answer most of them. The HoH isn’t a master etc. he’s a husband. The TiH isn’t a slave, sub, etc. She’s a wife. 
 

Her opinions, feelings, thoughts, ideas, interests as well as suggestions are no less valuable than the HoH’s. While the HoH has final authority over her as well as the opinions suggestions etc, they aren’t taken for granted. This is where Ethics plays a roll. 
 

how it was handled is she was required to keep a diary daily, weekly (was always Saturday l) we sat down for our weekly chat where she was free to express opinions suggestions concerns etc. Sometimes she won the day, sometimes she didn’t. 
 

being the HoH is a lot more responsibility than most think, yes you are the dominant one, but @sassylittlesounds to me like you ran into the Domineering type. Huge difference in personality and approaches.
Unfortunately it usually doesn’t end well, but remember- if your consenting to it, withdraw your consent or end the relationship etc. 
 

Ethics, communication, forgiveness, honesty, patience, consent are cornerstone words in any DD relationship, regardless of which title held in it. 

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6 hours ago, Topspanker said:

I was the HoH in relationship for 16 years and those are all great questions.

1- If the HoH makes a mistake admit to it. We’re all students in a big pond, everyone is human.

2- This one will answer most of them. The HoH isn’t a master etc. he’s a husband. The TiH isn’t a slave, sub, etc. She’s a wife. 
 

Her opinions, feelings, thoughts, ideas, interests as well as suggestions are no less valuable than the HoH’s. While the HoH has final authority over her as well as the opinions suggestions etc, they aren’t taken for granted. This is where Ethics plays a roll. 
 

how it was handled is she was required to keep a diary daily, weekly (was always Saturday l) we sat down for our weekly chat where she was free to express opinions suggestions concerns etc. Sometimes she won the day, sometimes she didn’t. 
 

being the HoH is a lot more responsibility than most think, yes you are the dominant one, but @sassylittlesounds to me like you ran into the Domineering type. Huge difference in personality and approaches.
Unfortunately it usually doesn’t end well, but remember- if your consenting to it, withdraw your consent or end the relationship etc. 
 

Ethics, communication, forgiveness, honesty, patience, consent are cornerstone words in any DD relationship, regardless of which title held in it. 

100% agree

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On 7/15/2021 at 9:40 AM, Topspanker said:

I was the HoH in relationship for 16 years and those are all great questions.

1- If the HoH makes a mistake admit to it. We’re all students in a big pond, everyone is human.

2- This one will answer most of them. The HoH isn’t a master etc. he’s a husband. The TiH isn’t a slave, sub, etc. She’s a wife. 
 

Her opinions, feelings, thoughts, ideas, interests as well as suggestions are no less valuable than the HoH’s. While the HoH has final authority over her as well as the opinions suggestions etc, they aren’t taken for granted. This is where Ethics plays a roll. 
 

how it was handled is she was required to keep a diary daily, weekly (was always Saturday l) we sat down for our weekly chat where she was free to express opinions suggestions concerns etc. Sometimes she won the day, sometimes she didn’t. 
 

being the HoH is a lot more responsibility than most think, yes you are the dominant one, but @sassylittlesounds to me like you ran into the Domineering type. Huge difference in personality and approaches.
Unfortunately it usually doesn’t end well, but remember- if your consenting to it, withdraw your consent or end the relationship etc. 
 

Ethics, communication, forgiveness, honesty, patience, consent are cornerstone words in any DD relationship, regardless of which title held in it. 

For clarification only the Husband can be the HOH?

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Good question NewEr.

If female is ER and in charge, is this called FLR or female led relationships or does HOH still apply? -  as my understanding is H is for Head and does not define which person in charge. 

If you are a Female, feel free to PM me. I would like to know more about FLR ER. 

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No, @NewEr. Anyone regardless of gender can declare themselves HoH. Just like anyone can declare themselves a top in the spanking community. 
 

The point I was trying to make is simple. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you declare yourself as such, than be that person. Your responsibilities are never ending. If you don’t care about the person in the TiH part of relationship, than your the domineering type.
They are all over the place, women being demeaning and demented towards men. tons of videos of that. There is even as much videos of guys doing same thing towards women.

point is consent, if you’re the HoH, than someone has granted you that title. Don’t waste it, cherish it and protect it, and them as well.

you do that, I guarantee it will work out.

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5 minutes ago, Topspanker said:

No, @NewEr. Anyone regardless of gender can declare themselves HoH. Just like anyone can declare themselves a top in the spanking community. 
 

The point I was trying to make is simple. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you declare yourself as such, than be that person. Your responsibilities are never ending. If you don’t care about the person in the TiH part of relationship, than your the domineering type.
They are all over the place, women being demeaning and demented towards men. tons of videos of that. There is even as much videos of guys doing same thing towards women.

point is consent, if you’re the HoH, than someone has granted you that title. Don’t waste it, cherish it and protect it, and them as well.

you do that, I guarantee it will work out.

Not really sure I consider myself a HOH just a mere enquiry.  I do not think there is a label that can be applied to our marriage, however spankings are often a part of it with both of us sometimes being the ee

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