Jump to content
Spanking Needs Forums

Failed Dynamic


Recommended Posts

I'm feeling burned after talking to a spanker for awhile. We never actually met up but he mentored me for awhile online and I got very attached, so much so I just didn't really want to talk to other spankers before we really talked about it because I just wanted him to be my spanker/mentor. I'm just curious about other spanker/spankee dynamics. How bonded do you get with your spanker? Is it all very clinical, small talk, progress reports? It kind of fell apart because in the beginning he listened and validated my feelings which made me feel safe and small and trusting to let him mentor me and I also learned to respect him but he lost it when he thought it was best for me to not be as supportive, listen to my feelings, which made me feel safe to even do any of this and started helping me with the support I needed to work on my goals and trust him and some of my goals and problems involve feelings, emotions, mental health... so it was very hard to not be able to talk about what I was struggling with, with my mentor. I tried to talk to him about how the dynamic changed and if something was up? He talked about not getting enough sleep and for weeks I just felt like I was on my own without support or a mentor and everything spiralled downhill and one night before bed I had been thinking about it for weeks if I should just leave the dynamic but I had so much trust in this person, I wanted to try to communicate better...I found the courage to talk about it and they were angry and defensive and it ended badly and I feel like I lost my desire for all of it...the safety is gone, I really trusted this person and they didn't hear me out after building all that trust and at the same time I wonder if my needs were strange? Maybe it was me. Is it usually more clinical and strictly spanking? I can't do that... It's very "heady" for me and I went into this knowing I am that way. I'm feeling really down. I'm sure you all have had a lot of failed dynamics for other reasons. I'm feeling confused about my role. 

Link to post

I am sorry you are hurting.

For me, it depends on the type of spanking relationship. If we are spanking play friends and our objectives are fun, funishment, or singular discipline - then I am less likely to get as deep into headspace. 

For an on-going disciplinary relationship, though, I am more apt to become attached because of the constant communication, the difference in tone, shared experiences, closeness... But, what I won't allow is for me to get so needy for the other person that I implode and everything falls apart. I have to be able to meet my goals on my own, too. I have to be able to take care of myself and handle my business. 

My disciplinary friend and I "broke up" about 6 weeks ago - and I still miss the discipline, but moreso his friendship. It doesn't sound like you and your mentor were really friends - but you were still very invested in the experience and that is challenging once it ends. Maybe a clinical approach is best  - imagine that they are doing a job just like a physical trainer or therapist. I don't know if that would work long-term for any of us, though. 

I am not planning to jump into a long-term disciplinary relationship (what others call mentoring now, I think) for a while longer. At least not in the same way as before. But I am enjoying chatting with other spankos and learning about them. Maybe, like me, you need time to re-evaluate what you want out of a mentorship. Or, to assess how you will manage in the interim. 

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to post

I'm sorry that happened to you.

I'm not going to get attached to some-one if it's just a temp situation or we play sporadically. For me, attachment happens in deeper spanking relationships and it affects me deeply when they dissolve.

My first Dom passed away after being my Dom for over a decade. I was very attached to him and I grieved the loss. I didn't get involved in any spanking activities for a couple of years. We had an amazing spanking relationship and I struggled with the thought that I'd never get that again.

Most I haven't got attached too. The only other one was my last Daddy and that hurt badly too. He always got pissed when I told him that I missed him ( not angry but you could tell that he was pissed abut it!) and I never understood that because most people would take it as a compliment! I always felt like I was walking on egg-shells... scared to say anything about things that were bothering me because he would run away. So like you I hard a time communicating with him and he never listened when their was a problem, just got passive-aggressive and ran away instead of communicating and dealing with the problem.

Don't see it as a bad thing that you got attached. That's actually a beautiful thing even if your spanker didn't see it as such... most would take it as a compliment so just because he didn't appreciate it doesn't mean that some-one won't.

I couldn't do clinical either, I'm too soft and emotional for that. There's nothing wrong with you for not wanting that. I feel that any long-term spanking relationship shouldn't be clinical... there needs to be trust and a bond. It's a beautiful thing when two people can develop a spanking relationship and grow with each other over time. If some-one doesn't want that then they'd be the wrong fit for me. I think it comes down to compatibility for you too. You weren't compatible for each other's needs but don't think that that makes you incompatible with every ER because it doesn't... it really is just about finding the person who is the right fit for you😀

  • Like 1
Link to post

The fault is with him - not you.  
 

Maybe nothing is 100% either way in such a relationship, but changing direction like that is beyond unkind. It’s cruel and possibly sadistic.  
 

You rightly feel taken advantage of. 
 

A bit of advice that you can take or leave - as soon as you’re getting a bad  vibration or feeling, trust that feeling.  
 

OTOH if you feel like something is heading in a direction that feels right, check yourself. Look deeply and be as sure as you can. 
 

You’re going to make mistakes. We all do.  It’s part of the job description of being a human being.  
 

I have a couple of people in here that think I’m a lousy person.  I have no idea why.  That said, I’ve met about 10 folks here in rl and they think I’m great. 
 

Personally I figure I’m in between (much closer to the nice old guy but a flawed human being, as are we all. 
 

Forgive yourself. Forgive and forget him - not for his sake but for your own.   No need to carry that weight. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
3 minutes ago, dmirk said:

The fault is with him - not you.  
 

Maybe nothing is 100% either way in such a relationship, but changing direction like that is beyond unkind. It’s cruel and possibly sadistic.  
 

You rightly feel taken advantage of. 
 

A bit of advice that you can take or leave - as soon as you’re getting a bad  vibration or feeling, trust that feeling.  
 

OTOH if you feel like something is heading in a direction that feels right, check yourself. Look deeply and be as sure as you can. 
 

You’re going to make mistakes. We all do.  It’s part of the job description of being a human being.  
 

I have a couple of people in here that think I’m a lousy person.  I have no idea why.  That said, I’ve met about 10 folks here in rl and they think I’m great. 
 

Personally I figure I’m in between (much closer to the nice old guy but a flawed human being, as are we all. 
 

Forgive yourself. Forgive and forget him - not for his sake but for your own.   No need to carry that weight. 

^^^^ all of this❤️

Link to post

@dmirk I don't know if the intentions of the spanker were malicious or sadistic or they really thought that by withholding affection and support it was going to help someone who was traumatized by parents and an abusive spouse who did the same things and more.

I think it's an old fashioned idea of making people stronger and more self-reliant, especially someone who has a big heart and super empathetic like me lol. I think he lacked the understanding that for me, I can be alone. I've always been alone and self-reliant and it has not made me a stronger person. In fact, I struggle the most with burying my needs, not asking for support and it breaks me down all while being my empathetic self. It's my downfall. I have always thrived with little bits of support and while I don't need to be so needy that I implode or become codependent @rubyredd lol I still need some, it helps me process and heal and take care of myself better with trust and safety and care, I can do some real work on myself and my behaviors. Key phrasing: I am doing the work. I have always been doing this alone and do, it's just a lot more of a struggle without any support. It is my responsibility and I always will be working on myself but coming here, I was recognizing my need for help or a mentor and also my spanking kink. I'd have trouble submitting to just anyone, so one time spankings are not really for me, it does something different in headspace with the trust and respect of the person scolding me for a punishment to even do anything for my behavior, there would have to be a bond. I still have the underlying spanking kink, so if I was too well behaved I'd still want spanked but that's a different mindset all together for me lol definitely a balance of funishment, bonding and discipline. I have not had mentors in my life, I was forced to be self-reliant and I have had a lot of bad authority figures, I think I'm tempted to top from the bottom when there isn't enough respect there and right now I'm wondering why the heck do I want to be on the bottom? It's not like I've had people taking care of me from the top and I feel I could do better myself. I know it's because I'm feeling burned in a way I have many times before, tempted to just be self-reliant but obviously that wasn't working out for me completely lol or I wouldn't have come here. I'm definitely rethinking all of this and of course my triggers. I can't get rid of the spanking kink though lol it's there, like it or not.

Thank you guys and @sassylittle you are always really encouraging on here and I appreciate all the advice from you guys who have been doing thing awhile. Maybe I will stick around 😊 but definitely rethinking things for a bit.

  • Like 2
Link to post

@TimidMouseI empathise cause I'm pretty much the same. I don't need some-one to micromanage my life because I've always managed it on my own. I know you are probably not ready for it yet but how about a spanking friend and not so much a mentor? Some-one who will spank you and give you the sort of support a good friend would?

I don't have a Daddy right now but I have a temp Dom. He is not my mentor and it's not really DD based. I have no rules and he's basically a really good friend. We support each other. The only thing that he's implemented is that I keep a journal, of sorts, for him. He wants to avoid any misunderstandings and know when there's a problem. He wants to know if he does something to upset me but also the good things that he does. He says that it will help with the trust because I'll know he won't disappear if I raise any issues. He also said if he doesn't know that something's bothering me that he can't change it. Also, knowing what things are good and what I particularly liked or didn't like helps him know what to do more of and what to avoid. I have to send it to him once a week then we discuss it. It's working really well and something like that might help you, if you do this again. Don't give up because of one bad experience, just be more careful who you get involved with next time... maybe set up a 6 month trial period... knowing it's temp unless it works well, will help you avoid getting to attached until he has proven himself😀

  • Like 1
Link to post

wow I admire the communication there with your temp dom @sassylittleI like the journaling, I do it myself to process a lot but it's nice that you guys share it and talk about it. I'm laughing because I haven't had healthy friendship support either 😂 I am usually the friend who is the support and when I'm struggling it dies. What is support? lmao I am the support. I think friendship support would be just as helpful, since I am just lacking in support all around lol withholding support was definitely not what I needed.

  • Sad 1
Link to post
1 minute ago, TimidMouse said:

wow I admire the communication there with your temp dom @sassylittleI like the journaling, I do it myself to process a lot but it's nice that you guys share it and talk about it. I'm laughing because I haven't had healthy friendship support either 😂 I am usually the friend who is the support and when I'm struggling it dies. What is support? lmao I am the support. I think friendship support would be just as helpful, since I am just lacking in support all around lol withholding support was definitely not what I needed.

I hear you. I tend to be the person everyone goes to and in the past I haven't had a whole lot of support. We are our support but it's nice to have people who are there for you. The journaling has been amazing and I'm lucky that I have a thoughtful Dom, who puts in the effort. If I can find one so can you. They are out there but you might have to weed through some shit ones first 😂

Link to post

@sassylittleit does not suprise me at all that people go to you for support lol but sometimes the support needs support. I think of all the worn out healthcare workers and they are always told to have self-care or they burn out. I definitely have chronic burn out but you can't make people care lol they either do or they don't and you figure things out. I just had to. I still feel like it is better with support. I'm entirely jaded, not yet 😉 😊 hearing kind words perk me up. I do wonder if spankers get burn out a lot and how they get their support if they are being the main supporter?

Link to post
1 minute ago, TimidMouse said:

@sassylittleit does not suprise me at all that people go to you for support lol but sometimes the support needs support. I think of all the worn out healthcare workers and they are always told to have self-care or they burn out. I definitely have chronic burn out but you can't make people care lol they either do or they don't and you figure things out. I just had to. I still feel like it is better with support. I'm entirely jaded, not yet 😉 😊 hearing kind words perk me up. I do wonder if spankers get burn out a lot and how they get their support if they are being the main supporter?

I like to think of an ER/ee relationship as being mutually supportive. We help and support each other- I don't like the idea of it being one-sided. If I sign up for a long-term DDlg or D/s relationship, I end up caring deeply for the person and I'd hope that they'd come to me if they needed my support or just some-one to hear them out.

  • Like 1
Link to post
2 minutes ago, sassylittle said:

I like to think of an ER/ee relationship as being mutually supportive. We help and support each other- I don't like the idea of it being one-sided. If I sign up for a long-term DDlg or D/s relationship, I end up caring deeply for the person and I'd hope that they'd come to me if they needed my support or just some-one to hear them out.

Well there are a lot of spankers here so they have to be getting something out of it lol and finding ways to manage. Maybe sometimes they let up or aren't always dominant, just neutral. I don't like the idea of it not being mutually beneficial either.

  • Like 1
Link to post

Men don’t get as emotional about thee kinds of things, but yeah, we can get pretty attached to our spanker too, particularly when she’s somebody we trust and look up to.  Getting dumped sucks, even for male EE’s, but in all fairness, ER’s sometimes put up with a lot, so it’s not always their fault.  Sometimes we wear them out.  Not saying you did that, but I’m guilty of it.

  • Like 1
Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...