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Moving on/Letting go


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I replied to a similar forum, but wanted to make a post to hopefully connect with people who have been through this. It's been 3 weeks since saying goodbye to my spanker/friend and I'm struggling. How do you move on from something like this, especially when I fell so hard? I just ignore messages from other spankers at this point, I won't be ready for a long time and can't imagine someone as special as him. I miss him so much and can't stop thinking about him. He might see this, but it's nothing he doesn't know lol. I have a good spanko friend my age that makes talking about things easier, but I've been thinking about opening up to my roommate, too. This healing process is really hard, so any advice from anyone is appreciated. I feel so stupid and foolish for being so hung up, but it's reality for now 

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1 minute ago, Leem said:

 

 

I replied to a similar forum, but wanted to make a post to hopefully connect with people who have been through this. It's been 3 weeks since saying goodbye to my spanker/friend and I'm struggling. How do you move on from something like this, especially when I fell so hard? I just ignore messages from other spankers at this point, I won't be ready for a long time and can't imagine someone as special as him. I miss him so much and can't stop thinking about him. He might see this, but it's nothing he doesn't know lol. I have a good spanko friend my age that makes talking about things easier, but I've been thinking about opening up to my roommate, too. This healing process is really hard, so any advice from anyone is appreciated. I feel so stupid and foolish for being so hung up, but it's reality for now 

It's natural and you are not stupid or foolish. Lots of us have been there and it's hard. If you really like and care for some-one, it's hard to move one and you can't just turn those feelings off. The best thing I did was getting away from his favourite site, Fetlife. I deleted all my Fet and now I can't see anything he does. You can't move on if you are in the same space as them and seeing their activity- you will just keep hurting yourself.

It's been 16 months, for me, and I'm still not 100% there so realise that it's going to take time. 

Don't rush into anything else. I ignore messages too and I have had men interested but I know I need more time before I consider doing this again. It's not fair on some-one else if you are not ready. Give yourself time.

I hoped mine would message me and change his behaviour. I thought that he would miss me but he didn't. Don't put yourself through that. It might happen but it's best if you can find away to move on. Don't hold on to hope... yeah, it would be lovely if it happened but if it doesn't you are going to feel more hurt.

I know it sounds cliched but time is really the best healer. Be kind to yourself and stick with your friends. Know it's not your fault and there is nothing you can do if he doesn't want it also. You can't force some-one to like and care about you. You can't force some-one to change their mind. Don't make a fool of yourself by chasing him... have more self-respect than that. Men are supposed to chase women, not the other way round. They know how to contact you, if they wanted to. They know how to make things right but like I said don't think like that because you won't be able to move on. There are billions of guys on this planet and some of them will feel like they hit the jackpot with you. Why waste time on a guy who doesn't feel lucky to have you? You can do better than that😀

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There is no reason to feel stupid or foolish for caring about someone or being sad at the loss of an important relationship. I will always care deeply for my former partner - he was certainly one of my closest, long-term friends in addition to being a disciplinarian. I try to remember that our separation is what he needed and that he is happy. 

Some feelings do fade with time... but it has only been a few weeks. Give yourself time to get through this and to heal. Come join us in chat once in a while - that has really helped to take my mind of my hurt. 

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I'm sorry you're going through this.

I thought I’d almost mastered the art of letting go gracefully, but when I lost a longterm D/s relationship a couple of years ago, my coping skills weren’t up to the challenge. It was one of the most difficult times in my life, harder to get through, frankly, than a divorce and other losses I’ve experienced that should have been more more serious. I don’t have much standing to give good advice because I did a lot of things wrong, but maybe I can be useful as a study in what doesn’t work:

  • Sticking around the same (real or virtual) places where he is or has been
  • Jumping into new relationships
  • Not being on the look-out for signs of sub frenzy if you’re at all a submissive type. The sudden void of dominance and accountability makes you especially vulnerable. (Personally, I had to leave the spanking community entirely for a long time even though it was hard.)
  • Internalizing the failure of the relationship and using it as a measure of your worth. Taking all the blame for why it didn’t work in order to keep the person you love on a pedestal.
  • Not taking ANY blame for why it didn’t work.
  • Searching for meaning or closure through him. He can’t give you those things. Only you can, and it'll take time.

It’s normal to go through periods of “splitting” when you paint the other as all good/all bad at first. You might want to internalize sadness and anger some days and externalize it others. Memories that were good might feel tarnished by pain you’re going through now. It’s all part of dealing with the cognitive dissonance a breakup causes. Healing has arguably occurred when this type of splitting stops and you’re able to hold a realistic, balanced picture of the relationship and the person in your mind, but it doesn’t necessarily mean absence of lingering sadness or regret. It doesn’t even mean you don’t love the person anymore.

It took me about two years to heal, but I'm still not the same person I was. For a while, I thought that meant I was unwhole or still healing because it felt like getting to the end of a puzzle and realizing the last pieces don't fit just right anymore. It wasn't true, though. Relationships change us for good and bad, and we're supposed to be different because of them. Don't resist the change. Use it to change yourself for the better, even if you need to take time to mourn who you used to be first. You might feel so weak right now that you can't imagine this making you stronger, but it can and will.

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@no^angel I'm glad I wasn't the only one who messed up! It's nice ( not meaning your pain was nice) that some-one else struggled too.

I couldn't understand why it hurt me so much or why I couldn't get over it or move on! It's not like I wanted to marry the guy or anything! In serious relationships I have had, I have just felt relief that they were over. I think that was because I always put in the effort and tried to fix things so when I'm done, I'm done. It's usually the men who regret it later on and suddenly want to marry me or something! The last relationship I had, the guy came and proposed to me over a year later but I had found some-one else by then. It's like they don't want to fix things when I do and when I move on they suddenly want me! Men are strange... I have a feeling that they feel relief at first and then realise how much they messed up too late. I think that we feel hurt at first and then we move on so we feel things differently.

It's good to know that you managed to move on and it makes me feel less abnormal that I did some of the things that you did too. Thanks for sharing that and it will give others hope that they can manage it also😀

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@sassylittleyou are definitely not alone. 

And you had DDlg in the mix, iirc. There's a deeper level of vulnerability there. It's not easy reclaiming the parenting reins of your own inner child when someone else has had them for a long time. All those self-soothing, self-nurturing, self-moderating tasks are hard to stay on top of for healthy adults during good times, much less for someone with a little side who is suddenly having to adult by themselves again during a time of loss. 

I've talked to a few spankees/subs who were one-and-done in the DDlg relationship department because of just how high the emotional stakes are in them.

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1 minute ago, no^angel said:

@sassylittleyou are definitely not alone. 

And you had DDlg in the mix, iirc. There's a deeper level of vulnerability there. It's not easy reclaiming the parenting reins of your own inner child when someone else has had them for a long time. All those self-soothing, self-nurturing, self-moderating tasks are hard to stay on top of for healthy adults during good times, much less for someone with a little side who is suddenly having to adult by themselves again during a time of loss. 

I've talked to a few spankees/subs who were one-and-done in the DDlg relationship department because of just how high the emotional stakes are in them.

Yeah, I can understand why. I am very ambiguous about getting into another one. Is it really worth the emotional pain if it goes wrong? I'm certainly not ready to trust another Daddy yet and if I get to that stage then I will reevaluate it then. I have a good Dom so can get my adult needs met well and he is reliable and very trustworthy. He would like me as his long-term sub so I have that if I decide, in the future, not to try the DDlg thing again😀 Hope you have or do meet some-one else when you are ready😀

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I’ve been there as well, just on the other side, losing a long term spankee.  Looking back I made bad choices when it ended.  First I blocked the person from everything.  It’s always been my tool when I lost someone or ended things with someone.  Didn’t work that time.  So I’d unblock, because I missed the person so much.  Just seeing social media things brought me comfort.  I would worry if the person was ok, as I didn’t agree their choices were the safest.   Then I’d get those weak moments, where I’d send emails, even songs that explained my feelings.  (Pitiful I know).  I’d be proud if I didn’t reach out for months, then I’d send a random message.  The person answered a few, but nothing really came from it.  The person had changed in such a different direction.  In time I realized I was missing who they were, not who they were now.   It is great you have a friend in the lifestyle to talk with.  That will help a lot.  I had no one to talk to.  That’s why I rejoined this site.  I was hesitant to rejoin, as they were an active member. I also tried to avoid the persons friends on here.   When they first popped in chat while I was in there, i had a panic attack.   Hoped for a pm , and nothing.   I met some kind people that helped me put things in perspective.   It got to a point when they came in chat I didn’t care at all.   Time definitely does heal, and makes us wiser (and older lol).   We learn along the way what is truly important in our lives.   Besides the support I received here, 2 things helped me move on.   I went through some really rough things and loss in life, those things made me see how unimportant and useless it was for me to dwell on this person. You can’t make someone care about you.  (I’m not invalidating your feelings.  It took me time.  There’s no set amount of time to grieve).  Lastly, I started feeling angry that I wasted 5 yrs on this person and gave so much time /effort/care.   I thought if I kept acting like I was, i was just giving the person more time and wasting my life.   I agree with everything said above.  It’s best to refrain from jumping into another relationship until you heal fully.   These relationships are harder than most to get over.  Wishing you all the best.  Try not to feel foolish,  it’s raw right now , but there will be a day when your so much happier, this person who left won’t be your focus anymore. Wishing you all the best.  

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6 minutes ago, Jaded said:

I’ve been there as well, just on the other side, losing a long term spankee.  Looking back I made bad choices when it ended.  First I blocked the person from everything.  It’s always been my tool when I lost someone or ended things with someone.  Didn’t work that time.  So I’d unblock, because I missed the person so much.  Just seeing social media things brought me comfort.  I would worry if the person was ok, as I didn’t agree their choices were the safest.   Then I’d get those weak moments, where I’d send emails, even songs that explained my feelings.  (Pitiful I know).  I’d be proud if I didn’t reach out for months, then I’d send a random message.  The person answered a few, but nothing really came from it.  The person had changed in such a different direction.  In time I realized I was missing who they were, not who they were now.   It is great you have a friend in the lifestyle to talk with.  That will help a lot.  I had no one to talk to.  That’s why I rejoined this site.  I was hesitant to rejoin, as they were an active member. I also tried to avoid the persons friends on here.   When they first popped in chat while I was in there, i had a panic attack.   Hoped for a pm , and nothing.   I met some kind people that helped me put things in perspective.   It got to a point when they came in chat I didn’t care at all.   Time definitely does heal, and makes us wiser (and older lol).   We learn along the way what is truly important in our lives.   Besides the support I received here, 2 things helped me move on.   I went through some really rough things and loss in life, those things made me see how unimportant and useless it was for me to dwell on this person. You can’t make someone care about you.  (I’m not invalidating your feelings.  It took me time.  There’s no set amount of time to grieve).  Lastly, I started feeling angry that I wasted 5 yrs on this person and gave so much time /effort/care.   I thought if I kept acting like I was, i was just giving the person more time and wasting my life.   I agree with everything said above.  It’s best to refrain from jumping into another relationship until you heal fully.   These relationships are harder than most to get over.  Wishing you all the best.  Try not to feel foolish,  it’s raw right now , but there will be a day when your so much happier, this person who left won’t be your focus anymore. Wishing you all the best.  

thank you everyone for all of the great advice ❤️ i do want to clarify this was a mutual decision and i think nothing but the best about him. he deserves the world. i just have moving on to do on my end and all of this advice definitely helps. a break from sites is definitely needed. thank you everyone, i appreciate it a lot

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Please, please be gentle with yourself!    Please don’t feel stupid and foolish for loving so deeply!  

My break-up with my TiH partner was devastating also.  Even though we had some serious problems and it needed to happen, it still blew me apart.  Sometimes I don’t think of him for weeks, other times I can’t get him out of my head for days.

I think these break-ups are hard for us because we spend so much time communicating and building trust with our spanking partners.  Our bond with them is so unique and beyond words.

But thank God we had that bond!

He may be out of your life but love isn’t.  Love can never leave you because...YOU ARE LOVE ❤️!

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To add a male voice here... I've been dumped by maybe a dozen? Twenty? More? The longer you live, the more difficult it gets to count former lovers, both due to their number and diminishing memory capacity... rarely, Exes felt "dumper's regret" and tried to worm their way back into my life but... I was not down for that.

The pain can be immense depending on the intensity of the relationship--also for men too. Odd no other men have replied here. So here be a male voice.

All of the advice given here seems valid, even excellent, and I have practiced. Another thing I've done is pour my energies into blogging about the experience which seems satisfying, as long as it is anonymous. You don't want to use any identifiable info online, or post where the Ex may see, for the Ex may feel motivated to respond in kind... in anger... or derision... And it is better to let these affairs of the heart, these tawdry old things, die of old age than metastasize into cancerous hatred and engender a cycle of negativity.

I have avoided that outcome in all cases after learning early on in 8th grade, after getting dumped by my best friend at the time and watching him turn into a bitter enemy. So after that, I learnt to prize neutrality in others. Let the other think they have "won" and think whatsoever they want to think, even if they are wrong, they will go on to make similar mistakes with others. Just focus on you and look toward improvement in whatever ways you can, or just remain the same, there may indeed be nothing at all whatsoever you did that was in any way wrong...

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  • 3 weeks later...

Been trying to take a lot of this advice. Some days I feel better than ever, others not so much. Working on limiting my time on these sites and wondering if the person ever thinks about me still. Wanting to mean something when you can't messes with your heart. But like I mentioned previously, I did open up to my roommate about everything. It helps to have a shoulder to cry on and hype me up ❤️ Once I'm sure about where I'll be living later this year, I'll definitely have more of a peace about finding someone new, spanker or otherwise. For now, focusing on taking care of myself and finishing my last weeks of college. 

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I miss my long term spanker, but I understand it was time for her to focus on her family. Even if she's not going to spank me ever again, I do miss the friendship we had, yet I also understand how hard things must be for her.

Even in non-spanking relationships, I still have lingering feelings long after "it's OVER over" conversations. One previous love interest I had a bad falling out with, I can at least joke with when we're in the same area, and sometimes thoughts about her invade my thoughts about someone else I'm interested in. While it can be helpful to reminisce, I have to admit that my originally happy memories of my previous love interest have become sad memories. The funny ones are still funny though. Yes, I still wonder what might have been, though I know I cannot and should not act on it.

To be fair, I've never been good with rejection, especially the romantic sort. Even though I know deep down the person rejecting me is actually doing me a favor.

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On 5/2/2021 at 10:35 AM, Zhal said:

I miss my long term spanker, but I understand it was time for her to focus on her family. Even if she's not going to spank me ever again, I do miss the friendship we had, yet I also understand how hard things must be for her.

Even in non-spanking relationships, I still have lingering feelings long after "it's OVER over" conversations. One previous love interest I had a bad falling out with, I can at least joke with when we're in the same area, and sometimes thoughts about her invade my thoughts about someone else I'm interested in. While it can be helpful to reminisce, I have to admit that my originally happy memories of my previous love interest have become sad memories. The funny ones are still funny though. Yes, I still wonder what might have been, though I know I cannot and should not act on it.

To be fair, I've never been good with rejection, especially the romantic sort. Even though I know deep down the person rejecting me is actually doing me a favor.

Losing the friendship is the hardest part. Happy memories do become hard because you just want to relive them. But like you said, sometimes it's just time. I know he's better off and have to trust he's being taken care of. Everything has to happen for a reason. I hope you find your person ❤️

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Sometimes it's just not meant to be. I really admire that you wish him the best despite the breakup. Cherish the memories, take some time for yourself and slowly move on. Time, time will heal the wound.

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 4/5/2021 at 8:27 AM, Leem said:

I replied to a similar forum, but wanted to make a post to hopefully connect with people who have been through this. It's been 3 weeks since saying goodbye to my spanker/friend and I'm struggling. How do you move on from something like this, especially when I fell so hard? I just ignore messages from other spankers at this point, I won't be ready for a long time and can't imagine someone as special as him. I miss him so much and can't stop thinking about him. He might see this, but it's nothing he doesn't know lol. I have a good spanko friend my age that makes talking about things easier, but I've been thinking about opening up to my roommate, too. This healing process is really hard, so any advice from anyone is appreciated. I feel so stupid and foolish for being so hung up, but it's reality for now 

I understand this, having been there myself. Nearly everyone suffers a broken heart at some point. Moreover, some of us are more sensitive and "feel" more deeply than others. We connect more deeply, we love more deeply, and when we experience loss, we hurt more deeply. By the way, this isn't exclusively a female trait. I have a number of male friends, three of whom share this big heart and deep connection. If your spanker/friend knows how much you miss him but is making no move toward healing and rebuilding the relationship you two had, one thing is pretty clear: he doesn't want to. Silence IS a message, and it's a big one.

I've found this woman's articles helpful:  

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-a-past-relationship-10-steps-to-peacefully-move-on/

Be gentle with yourself and expect that healing from this will take time. But you will heal. It's a good time to seek out a few sessions with a reputable counselor. Every time I've done this, I've been filled with gratitude for the insights I received. 

Kind regards, Leem. Keep us updated.

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