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Explaining the need to be spanked to boyfriend


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I've been dating my boyfriend for a while.  He knows I like being spanked, and he says he likes spanking me.  The problem is, we have very different definitions of what that means.  His idea of spanking is to smack my ass randomly whenever he walks by me, or a couple times when we're in bed.  He has used his belt on me twice, but not nearly hard enough or long enough.  He knows that being spanked has a lot of emotional benefits for me, but he likes for it to be a surprise and HATES when I ask for it.  I don't like asking for it either, because I want him to be in control, but I don't feel like I'm getting what I need.  How do I tell him I need more than what he's giving me without seeming demanding?    

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You just have to talk to him and explain it thoroughly. You aren't asking for it at the point - you are discussing it. Then, watch a few videos that demonstrate what you are looking for. Many vanillas do not find spanking to be natural or intuitive... so it is up to us to provide guidance or insight.

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2 hours ago, Sapphire said:

I've been dating my boyfriend for a while.  He knows I like being spanked, and he says he likes spanking me.  The problem is, we have very different definitions of what that means.  His idea of spanking is to smack my ass randomly whenever he walks by me, or a couple times when we're in bed.  He has used his belt on me twice, but not nearly hard enough or long enough.  He knows that being spanked has a lot of emotional benefits for me, but he likes for it to be a surprise and HATES when I ask for it.  I don't like asking for it either, because I want him to be in control, but I don't feel like I'm getting what I need.  How do I tell him I need more than what he's giving me without seeming demanding?    

If it's disciplinary spankings that you're seeking, you might want to engage him on the particular subjects of your behavior that you want changed.  For example, if it's your temper that you think is out of control, anytime you lose it with him, he'll know that you have to be taught a lesson.  Then he can get into a discussion with you about all the areas you need guidance in.  Does that help?

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If you're just looking for more intense erotic spanking, I guess I would advise that you guide the process a bit.  I have never been a fan of having some long-winded discussion about it ahead of time.  That's just me.  When he's doing the deed, and you find it insufficient, take the initiative.  "Is that all you got?"  "That was pretty wimpy. Feeling a bit weak today, hon?"  Tease and taunt.  Be a brat.  Get his head into the game.  If he gets peeved and gives you the good sweet smacking you are looking for, then it's working.  Just don't be nasty, keep it sexy and playful. 

Are you using implements?  That's an easy way to increase intensity.  In fact, for some implements (like cane), the problem is that they can be unintentionally too intense.  Work it up in manageable increments.  If his performance is not satisfactory to you, maybe you need to give him a few whacks, see what he thinks.  If that sounds appropriate.  Have you ever spanked him?  Sorry if that's not your thing.  What can I say, I'm a switch.

Also, check out funishment scenarios, sort of role-play discipline where you act it out for amusement, but it's not the real deal.  You make up rules and consequences, but they are more of a sexual game than actual discipline.  More intense funishment sessions actually laid the groundwork for my wife and me to adopt a cooperative DD arrangement.  

 

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2 hours ago, Rand E said:

...."Is that all you got?"  "That was pretty wimpy. Feeling a bit weak today, hon?"  Tease and taunt.  Be a brat.  Get his head into the game.  If he gets peeved and gives you the good sweet smacking you are looking for, then it's working.  Just don't be nasty, keep it sexy and playful. 

Are you using implements?  That's an easy way to increase intensity.  In fact, for some implements (like cane), the problem is that they can be unintentionally too intense.  Work it up in manageable increments.  If his performance is not satisfactory to you, maybe you need to give him a few whacks, see what he thinks.  If that sounds appropriate.  Have you ever spanked him?  Sorry if that's not your thing.  What can I say, I'm a switch.

Also, check out funishment scenarios, sort of role-play discipline where you act it out for amusement, but it's not the real deal.  You make up rules and consequences, but they are more of a sexual game than actual discipline.  More intense funishment sessions actually laid the groundwork for my wife and me to adopt a cooperative DD arrangement.  

Like Rand E, I too am a switch, so maybe I'm biased for that reason. But to me, his suggestions here are brilliant. Can't imagine this approach not producing some results. Keep it fun and sexy, if you can. ;) 

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Have you ever seen this NYT article about revealing a spanking fetish to a partner? Might be a helpful entry point into the conversation. 
 

https://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/11/fashion/modern-love-a-spanking-fetish-is-not-revealed-easily.html

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  • 1 month later...

If you're not using implements, consider buying them.  If you hand a guy a hairbrush before your crawl over his lap, he'll figure out what to do with it!  And, as @Rand Enoted, "didn't hurt" are two worlds which can definitely raise the bar!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Some men have a hard time getting over the way we were raised: "You never hit a female for any reason." This can inhibit a vanilla who is being asked to be a spanker, and may be why he is only willing to do it in fun. It's one reason I am a spankee ...

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