Jump to content
Spanking Needs Forums

Needing Direction but afraid to tell partner


Recommended Posts

Hi I'm new but been curious about this kind of thing for awhile. My life is kind of a mess right now and I'm having trouble with motivation and productivity, time-management and taking care of myself. I grew up with very neglectful and abusive parents and got punished even when I did everything they asked, so I'm really struggling with the idea of being "good" it feels like an impossible thing and makes me really depressed. I naturally found myself in an abusive marriage because I craved some dominance but not like that. I needed direction and discipline that made sense. I don't want to be bad and initially I thought it was a sexual fetish but I think I need more of a therapy otk spanking to help me get over the bad discipline in my life and have some good discipline and also maybe to have a good cry so it wont be a fun spanking. Has anyone else experienced stuff like this and found spanking healing? I'm kinda afraid to actually do it. 

Link to post

If you feel this is trauma related I'd recommend that you also reach out to a licensed therapist and work with them. There are BDSM friendly ones :) I agree that spanking is powerful in helping heal, too. And it might need several life approaches for healing. Although, please make sure anyone you trust to give power exchange to is not abusive towards you and wouldn't go past your limits (you hadn't stated if you were still in a abusive marriage or if this was a new partner). 

Link to post

I have tried a couple different therapists and sadly have not found the right fit but have made huge strides reading on my own, not that I'm not still trying to work with therapists. There are bdsm friendly therapists? Definately a new partner who is afraid to hurt me.

  • Like 1
Link to post
2 minutes ago, Child of Light said:

If you feel this is trauma related I'd recommend that you also reach out to a licensed therapist and work with them. There are BDSM friendly ones :) I agree that spanking is powerful in helping heal, too. And it might need several life approaches for healing. Although, please make sure anyone you trust to give power exchange to is not abusive towards you and wouldn't go past your limits (you hadn't stated if you were still in a abusive marriage or if this was a new partner). 

That is 100% correct, professional counselling is a fundamentally important avenue to look into  ... However the part which I have italicised, CoL's warning addendum, that is highlighting something which in truth is far harder to achieve than people might imagine. There are many, many people who spank, (males mostly) in this realm for who spanking is simply sexual excitement and/or a power trip . Such people will use any and all excuses to justify spanking anyone they can get their hand on.

There is an adage "Give a man a fish and he eats for that day. Teach him to fish and he feeds himself for life' .... The concept of Domestic Discipline and 'spanking as punishment' is actually just the same in reality ....  "Spank a person each time they transgress and they will behave that day .... Teach them why they transgressed and their life will change for ever."

Now at the bottom line (sic), people who spank because of the excitement/power trip and justify their activity by supposed broken rules etc  .... they of course have absolutely no reason to see the person they are spanking, improve their life choices. Indeed it pays that spanker to keep the spankee, misbehaving as it were.

In fact the discipline which yourself and anyone requires lays within the individual, it is does not require an external drive or force; in essence @TimidMouseyou have to learn to trust your own judgement and create your own lines in the sand

When I met my wife, she was in a mess, for various reasons. She (wisely) wrote a journal which she added to all day and night; if she thought it, she wrote it down .... It read like a food processor running on maximum where the lid had come off and exploded up a wall ... in the melee of her thoughts there was pieces of structure and understanding of her issues, but she simply could not stop her mind long enough to see that. However, about a year after we met she had a ritual burning of all the journals she had written, because she no longer needed that thought process or them. We got to that stage because .....

When we met I could see the vast and extraordinary potential she held as a human being, if she could be stabilised. So I stabilised her by effectively picking her up for the first 3 months, slowing her mind down, setting some verbal rules and then planting her firmly back on her feet ... Next I provided her immoveable support, care and indeed, love. Her opening gambit with me was "You need to punish me, I mess up!" .... My reply was 'No way that is happening. We will be equals, you will be self responsible, whilst any BDSM/spanking is purely for entertainment"

After many years my wife not only 'sorted' her mind, she spent a decade + educating herself and these days she has an extremely important career. This has never done anything but increase our BDSM activity, as she has become fully self aware of her own sexuality through this whole process of finding her true self, her education and these days; through her work. Her judgement of matters is the only judgement I listen to.

However when I was first told by her "You need to punish me, I mess up!" if I had said "OK!" ... then she would have achieved nothing and would still be working as some admin clerk.

Spanking is clearly not a path for adult expansion ... it is a sexualised act. It is unfortunately used to mask many other issues in both spankee and spanker  ... There is nothing wrong with liking to be spanked, but my advice is do not hand over yourself to that as a way to 'get better' ... because it will simply hold you in a place without personal growth.

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to post

TimidMouse, you're getting really good advise. Having a little therapy under your belt before you go looking for a spanking could make the spanking,  when you find it, a much healthier experience. 

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to post

I very much believe in cathartic spanking. I have experienced it from both sides of the paddle. I once was about to adopt a foster child who had lived with us for a year and a half--and the state whisked her away to an aunt and uncle in Florida she had never met. I was heartbroken. Went to a therapist but could not get over it. The therapist said, "To you, it's like your foster daughter died." I realized that was true. I was considering suicide. I called up a good friend who had spanked me several times and asked her to do a cathartic spanking with me. She agreed. It was the longest and hardest spanking I ever experienced, though I barely felt it. At one point I screamed out my foster daughter's name over and over. I railed at God and at the state. I cried hard, tears streaming down my face. All the while, my friend kept spanking me, making the swats lighter or harder as she saw my mood changing. Eventually I collapsed. My spanker held me, comforted me, and rubbed Arnica gel on my heavily bruised bottom.

I imagine there are folks on here who will comment that something like this is too dangerous. But for me it was extremely effective: It relieved me of much of my sadness, anger and guilt. After that session, I knew I could go on. I believe it's very possible that I would not have survived without that spanking. I did continue with my therapist, but I never told her about the cathartic spanking. I know she would not have approved. However, I have told a newer therapist about it. She did not express approval or disapproval; she just asked me to make sure I am safe when doing such things.

I would say this: I knew my cathartic spanker well, and trusted her. I think that's probably a requirement.

I also have given cathartic spankings, though not quite as dramatic as the one I received.

I would say this, TimidMouse: It is a technique that might work for you. But before you try it, connect with a spanker you trust and have him/her spank you several times before you go for the catharsis. And maybe be in therapy at the same time as well.

I am in Indianapolis; if you want to talk further you could private message me.

tony

  • Like 1
Link to post

Therapists who are most likely to understand your needs, take them seriously, and view your interest in spanking as a positive instead of a negative would be members of AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists). I had a tremendously positive experience with an AASECT therapist.

  • Like 1
Link to post

@IndySpankoNot sure how some could comment that it was dangerous and if they do I wouldn't take any heed, if I was you. It's whatever works for you and at the end of the day you know yourself better than anyone else does. Therapy works for some and not others. A combination of therapy and spanking does too. There are people who therapy doesn't work for, for whatever reason. Some go as far as they can in therapy and decide they've done whatever they need to do and go on to other methods. All this stuff is very individualistic and you have to do whatever works for you. No-one should judge you for taking the path you did and I'm glad it worked for you😀

  • Like 2
Link to post
On 1/13/2021 at 11:37 AM, IndySpanko said:

I very much believe in cathartic spanking. I have experienced it from both sides of the paddle. I once was about to adopt a foster child who had lived with us for a year and a half--and the state whisked her away to an aunt and uncle in Florida she had never met. I was heartbroken. Went to a therapist but could not get over it. The therapist said, "To you, it's like your foster daughter died." I realized that was true. I was considering suicide. I called up a good friend who had spanked me several times and asked her to do a cathartic spanking with me. She agreed. It was the longest and hardest spanking I ever experienced, though I barely felt it. At one point I screamed out my foster daughter's name over and over. I railed at God and at the state. I cried hard, tears streaming down my face. All the while, my friend kept spanking me, making the swats lighter or harder as she saw my mood changing. Eventually I collapsed. My spanker held me, comforted me, and rubbed Arnica gel on my heavily bruised bottom.

I imagine there are folks on here who will comment that something like this is too dangerous. But for me it was extremely effective: It relieved me of much of my sadness, anger and guilt. After that session, I knew I could go on. I believe it's very possible that I would not have survived without that spanking. I did continue with my therapist, but I never told her about the cathartic spanking. I know she would not have approved. However, I have told a newer therapist about it. She did not express approval or disapproval; she just asked me to make sure I am safe when doing such things.

I would say this: I knew my cathartic spanker well, and trusted her. I think that's probably a requirement.

I also have given cathartic spankings, though not quite as dramatic as the one I received.

I would say this, TimidMouse: It is a technique that might work for you. But before you try it, connect with a spanker you trust and have him/her spank you several times before you go for the catharsis. And maybe be in therapy at the same time as well.

I am in Indianapolis; if you want to talk further you could private message me.

tony

Thanks @IndySpanko I really appreciate your response. I know it seems counterintuitive for some to want a spanking after having any trauma in someone's life, but it's something I thought about even before I realized the extent of things I experienced. I never had healthy discipline or expectations for me and the immense guilt that piles  up from making mistakes and struggling with balance myself feels more detrimental to my health than a spanking would be. It could help clean the slate and help me focus on moving forward and not feel despair when I have trouble doing what I want and feeling like I can't do it. I don't look at spanking as abuse unless it is used abusively but a healthy discipline is something I never had. I'm not looking for the same abuse I experienced in any way but the opposite. I think a lot of people missed some of my earlier replies but I have had a couple therapists over the years and sadly none of them have been very helpful and I have done the most work with self reflection and study that has helped me greatly. I still look for counselors because I respect the study they have done but that hasn't changed my mind about cathartic spankings could be a good thing and not needed all the time, maybe structure and discipline for keeping up healthy habits but the thing with cathartic spanking is the built up guilt and emotions that are too overwhelming and get them to a manageable place because after a spanking, there can be a fresh start to try to be good. The focus being not on the spanking as much on the moving forward, bettering self etc I have experienced firsthand that intellectually understanding concepts does not always fix things for someone who experienced trauma, you can understand and it doesn't go away and sometimes experiencing things counter to that is cathartic after all these are patterns that happened for some time, the body also remembers as well as the mind, experiencing caring discipline I do think is healthy but I hear everyone's concerns about being careful because not everyone who approaches me has the intentions of that. 

 

Link to post
On 1/14/2021 at 8:23 AM, DaddySpanksCT said:

Therapists who are most likely to understand your needs, take them seriously, and view your interest in spanking as a positive instead of a negative would be members of AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists). I had a tremendously positive experience with an AASECT therapist.

Thanks @DaddySpanksCT I have gone through counselors and they weren't helpful but I know sometimes it takes time to find the right fit and I still respect it. When I say I've gone through counselors I mean the last couple of years, so it's been sometime of processing things for me. I have found the most help reading and self reflecting but I am curious if a counselor or therapist like that may understand better. 

Link to post
On 1/11/2021 at 10:05 PM, TigerGowan said:

TimidMouse, you're getting really good advise. Having a little therapy under your belt before you go looking for a spanking could make the spanking,  when you find it, a much healthier experience. 

Thanks @TigerGowan I appreciate it but I actually have had many therapists over the years and had some time processing things. Sadly never found one that really helped as much as self study has which helped me heal greatly but I definitely still respect it and continue to work on myself and try counselors from time to time. I liked the advice to try a bdsm friendly counselor because they might understand my needs better.

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...