Jump to content
Create New...

Came to this site out of desperation


Recommended Posts

This is really long... if you don't have the patience, move on.  :)
After LOTS of reading on this site... I decided this is the best forum to post to.

OK... still here?  Awesome!

After reading LOTS of posts and trying to wrap my head around this thing... I decided to post here. 
Again.... this is gpnna be long as it encompasses lotsa years.

History:
Great marriage, in and out of the swing life style (with positive results), she's had "rubber knees" a LOT after sex,  what else can I say?   Sex has been great.  Open communications (for the MOST part) and great and open sex (with each other and others).

Current: Vaginal intercourse has become painful due to wall thinning and the distrust of current "cures" to fix it.  That opened a dialog on alternatives.

So... why am I here?
Because... she said to me (a week or so ago now), "spanking".  It's not the first time.  She brought that up several years ago and we experimented.  In ***MY*** mind it was an epic failure... no joy.  I felt inept at it and I didn't think that she got much out of it either.
My mistake I guess.  As we seek to explore alternatives to vaginal sex, we've opened a new dialog.  NOW she tells me that she thinks she may have "peed" once when I spanked her.  wow.... OK.....
So... tonight I ask her if she's familiar with the term squirting.  To my surprise... she says "Yes" and she thinks that is responsible for her experience that night.

Now I'm lost.  Time to educate myself.  I've done enough research into this thing to realize that EVERY experience is different and every desire and fantasy is different.  I don't know if this is "I'm bad, beat my butt" or "I fantasized about sex while getting my butt beat as a kid".  BUT!!!!  If I'm going to bring my lovely lady to new heights... I'd better fucking figure it out!

So, tonight we talk some more.  She tells me that it's related to the step dad who spanked her (and at other times massaged her) for his own jollies.  She said she could see the gleam in his eyes as he administered the "punishment".  I can see she feels the dichotomy of her hatred for her step dad and the sexual excitement she felt over his "spanking" (feely) episodes.  I tell her it's OK to feel the sexual overtones of those experiences.  Yeah... her step dad was sick because he was getting his jollies off of his pre-teen step daughter.... but what SHE felt from it (and her take away from it) is totally natural and should be embraced as opposed to thinking of it shamefully.

Which brings us to now.... I have never fantasized about spanking... and the fact that I need to learn about is a bit obvious I guess.  At least I finally know what's going through her mind.... it's sexual release through spanking and TOUCHING.  I came here to ask advice on what was expected of me but one more attempt at communication helped me figure it out.  Thanks to this forum... I was able to figure out the right questions to ask.  (Thanks to all who have  posted their feelings/experiences!)

The icing on the cake:
I told her that researching this thing started up a whole new fantasy thread in my mind and now I had my own fantasies on tanning her backside and I couldn't wait to live out some of them.  It was like I lifted a ton of bricks off her shoulders and she thanked me for sharing that with her.  Seems like ya really gotta feel this thing... faking it is no good.  This might well be the most honest sexual arena there is.  

So... I guess I'm not really posting to ask for help, which was the main reason I joined this site.  If there is a moral to this story... I guess it would be open and honest communication with your partner(s).  Our next step might well be to seek others with whom to share this new found freedom.

Just reread this post... not exactly in chronological order... but what the hell.  :) 

So... there's the first post.  Always open to positive feedback and suggestions.

  • Like 3
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment

Faking it is no good, so true.  I've never been able to fake anything, including an interest in spanking.  Open and honest communication is right.  There have been times where I've been hesitant to talk about something with a person I'm close to, because it could be uncomfortable.  However, I feel better after I do.  And it's usually well received and only helps to make the relationship stronger.  Welcome and good luck :).

  • Like 1
Link to comment

Yay for good communication!  Don't forget to communicate AFTER a spanking also.  For me, it can take me a.couple days to tell.my hubbs why or where something fell flat.  I'm not able to tell him right away.  Personally, I LOVE to be spanked and have my bottom and legs caressed in between swats, even if it is a genuine punishment. I need some after care recovery time before I'm ready to get off, a hard spanking puts my arousal on pause... But then it kicks.into overdrive a few minutes into aftercare.  My biggest advice is Don't break character during or too soon after if she is hoping for an erotic "punishment".  ""I love you, you're my favoritest " and "oh dear are.you ok, did that wrap?" In a citesy, non domly voice throws me.out of my head space SO FAST.  Haha now I get mad.  Anyway, congrats and good luck!

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
Link to comment

"Always open to positive feedback"

But what if you do not find the feedback/advice positive? You stop listening because you do not agree? This is said because after reading that above you seem to be a person who rushes about, wants adoration and seeks easy answers which you like.

Obviously communication is key in anything; but if people have no idea what they are talking about then that can be less useful than it appears.

It would be my reading of the situation that your wife craves attention and so do you, you both want to be validated by others. That is not a negative statement, simply a factual reality. It is why the swinging, it is why your wife has positive memories of paedophilic sexual abuse. She it would appear took the attention as positive because she craved attention in her dystopic childhood.

Adult spanking is about a million different things from an infinite gathering of people's innate feelings, emotional responses and personal needs. 'Need for punishment' is one tiny possible drive, a link to coital sex is a larger section of the spanking community but by no means a given. After my own 40+ years in the BDSM and spanking scenes as an Alpha, I have never once linked sex to those activities as I cannot abide coitus or 'sex' in general.

@ Megthe makes a valid point, which is that communication should be taking place before and after. However 'aftercare' the modern internet addiction is personal choice, certainly not a 'must'.

In truth finding coital partners is easy when compared to finding spanking partners that work together in any way long term. This is because it is such a diverse subject with so many possible alternatives and nuances for the individual.

So let us briefly return to your wife's paedophilic abuse. That is not the underlying drive she has. Indeed I somehow doubt she has ever explored why she turned what happened into a positive memory ... One has to suspect it was about her childhood and a need for acceptance, but that needs to be sorted out in her mind. There is little doubt to my mind that the drives she has into swinging etc is directly linked to that experience and other unpleasant experiences she had a child. Because I doubt that happened in isolation. It is a well known clinical psychological theory that prepubescent children turn sexual abuse into sexual responses as a coping mechanism ... Rather than swinging or spanking, maybe your wife would benefit from professional counselling.

By your post it seems you are the driving force, in your mind, in your marriage. Why you are seemingly stunned that your wife knows what 'squirting' is an example of all that. To create a workable, ongoing, sensible spanking relationship then you need to both be of equal importance and value. Of course with your prior history and outlook it will take you nano seconds before you start scanning for other 'play partners', swinging in spanking terms.

My advice, if you want any, is to first calm down. Change the way you communicate to include actual listening not just waiting to talk and then you might get a better relationship out of it, rather than the one which simply suits yourself. The relationships which work in this realm are few and far between, that is a fact. After several decades together my wife and I still explore the subject by communication and sometimes new activity ... so the likelihood of you finding all your answers in 5 minutes is somewhat more than unlikely.

One can only wish good fortune to your wife ... and your yourself.

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
Link to comment

Jenna1220 and Megthe, thanks for the tips and encouragement.  That's the kind of helpful information I was hoping to find on this site.  This IS new territory and I hope to be able to avoid as many pitfalls as possible.

HerrBlacktooth... wow.... where to begin?  I know... "positive feedback"!  You nailed one or two things correctly... both of us are Leos so, yes. we do enjoy our adulation.  :) 
I think I'll just keep it all on a positive note and congratulate you on knowing everything there is to know about a person based upon a single post.  Must be awesome....  ;) 
Oh... and thanks for the good fortune wish!  :D

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
  • Haha 2
Link to comment

HerrBlacktooth, I just read your post again (to be perfectly honest, I really only skimmed it the first time... kinda felt like I was giving it the attention it warranted) and, honestly, I am even MORE amazed!

Not only do you know everything about me, you ALSO know everything that goes on in the deepest recesses of my wife's mind!  And she didn't even POST!  wow.....  Seriously dude!  I am SO impressed!!!

Did you get the Johnny Carson show over on your side of the pond?  If so... do you remember when Johnny would put on that turban, hold a sealed envelope up to his forehead, give the answer to the sealed question... and THEN open up the envelope to read the question?

Dude... you put Johnny Carson to SHAME!  Congrats!!!  Must be awesome being you.  😏

  • Like 1
  • Haha 2
Link to comment

@Nu2SpankingI would just report his post and move on. I haven't been new to spanking since the 90s. But I remember my excitement at finding that first online forum to share my interests. 

Communication is key, of course. One thing that Megthe said resonated with me... about my partner breaking character. That is definitely a mood killer. 😬

Link to comment
4 hours ago, HerrBlacktooth said:

@ Megthe makes a valid point, which is that communication should be taking place before and after. However 'aftercare' the modern internet addiction is personal choice, certainly not a 'must'.

Agreed. Aftercare typically ruins the whole thing for me. One exception was a recent bathbrushing from my disciplinary partner. It is the only time that aftercare felt right. Otherwise, it has never been a must for me.

Link to comment
5 hours ago, HerrBlacktooth said:

So let us briefly return to your wife's paedophilic abuse. That is not the underlying drive she has. Indeed I somehow doubt she has ever explored why she turned what happened into a positive memory ... One has to suspect it was about her childhood and a need for acceptance, but that needs to be sorted out in her mind. There is little doubt to my mind that the drives she has into swinging etc is directly linked to that experience and other unpleasant experiences she had a child. Because I doubt that happened in isolation. It is a well known clinical psychological theory that prepubescent children turn sexual abuse into sexual responses as a coping mechanism ... Rather than swinging or spanking, maybe your wife would benefit from professional counselling.

Agreed.

Link to comment

The one thing that I HAVE learned from the reading that I have done so far is that no two people are exactly alike.  I think that may well be an important concept to remember as I continue learning.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
3 minutes ago, Nu2Spanking said:

The one thing that I HAVE learned from the reading that I have done so far is that no two people are exactly alike.  I think that may well be an important concept to remember as I continue learning.

Absolutely! Take your time and explore together. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
1 hour ago, Nu2Spanking said:

HerrBlacktooth, I just read your post again (to be perfectly honest, I really only skimmed it the first time... kinda felt like I was giving it the attention it warranted) and, honestly, I am even MORE amazed!

Not only do you know everything about me, you ALSO know everything that goes on in the deepest recesses of my wife's mind!  And she didn't even POST!  wow.....  Seriously dude!  I am SO impressed!!!

Did you get the Johnny Carson show over on your side of the pond?  If so... do you remember when Johnny would put on that turban, hold a sealed envelope up to his forehead, give the answer to the sealed question... and THEN open up the envelope to read the question?

Dude... you put Johnny Carson to SHAME!  Congrats!!!  Must be awesome being you.  😏

Smiles ... Now I rarely return to any thread but I made a bet with myself and as prophesied ....  Here you are. True to type.

Unfortunately I do not think that you are anywhere near as wonderful as you like no doubt to imagine. It must be fraught, frenetic and fiscally poor being you; so mostly disappointing.

As a European I have to say that I am most certainly not a dude: but it leads me to wonder what are you? A failed skate boarder or just the oldest surfer in town?  Nor am I your friend [nor of anyone like you]  ....  Because you had/have actually made light of the paedophilic abuse of your wife .... You are clearly self obsessed. Really, what is there to like about any of that?

To reiterate the only important point here  .... Your wife has been sexually abused as a child. That is not a positive thing. There is 100% no 'positive take away' from it. There is only psychological damage. Of course she should not be ashamed,  but her classic clinical response in sexualising her abuse requires investigation with a professional. One might have imagined that instead of you being all upset and spitting your little dummy out of the pram ..... That you might have taken that on board.

As to people, what they do and how they think, it is a fact that I know a great deal about it as I spent some years being a professional interrogator  .... Hence I know people:  I not only see/hear what they say, but I analyse how they say it ... People use certain language because of what they are thinking and driven by. Thereby, people's activities and responses are easier to dissect and apportion to past experiences/outlooks, than the average person would like to imagine.  Indeed, people in general like to imagine they are 'complex' and 'above average intelligence'. When of course in fact the vast majority of people are  'average' in all ways. What this means is that nearly all people are simple to identify as suffering from the drives recognised by the Dunning Kruger Effect.

On top of all that I know these scenes inside out, meaning BDSM & spanking. Not only in a private capacity but from decades owning the commercial supply of adult sexual material and activities  ....  Ergo, you as a person are extremely simple to read. Unfortunately I've met 'you' in one form or another more times than I really care to remember.

Still, trying to be helpful, my fundamental advice here is for your wife to access professional psychological help. 

But past that, I could care less about you huffing like a child .... Because quite obviously if you thought I was correct, then I would know I was getting something seriously wrong. 😘

Now really, do try to calm down ... This thread and you hold no further interest for me. Toodle pip old bean.

  • Haha 2
  • Confused 2
Link to comment
1 hour ago, HerrBlacktooth said:

Smiles ... Now I rarely return to any thread but I made a bet with myself and as prophesied ....  Here you are. True to type.

Unfortunately I do not think that you are anywhere near as wonderful as you like no doubt to imagine. It must be fraught, frenetic and fiscally poor being you; so mostly disappointing.

As a European I have to say that I am most certainly not a dude: but it leads me to wonder what are you? A failed skate boarder or just the oldest surfer in town?  Nor am I your friend [nor of anyone like you]  ....  Because you had/have actually made light of the paedophilic abuse of your wife .... You are clearly self obsessed. Really, what is there to like about any of that?

To reiterate the only important point here  .... Your wife has been sexually abused as a child. That is not a positive thing. There is 100% no 'positive take away' from it. There is only psychological damage. Of course she should not be ashamed,  but her classic clinical response in sexualising her abuse requires investigation with a professional. One might have imagined that instead of you being all upset and spitting your little dummy out of the pram ..... That you might have taken that on board.

As to people, what they do and how they think, it is a fact that I know a great deal about it as I spent some years being a professional interrogator  .... Hence I know people:  I not only see/hear what they say, but I analyse how they say it ... People use certain language because of what they are thinking and driven by. Thereby, people's activities and responses are easier to dissect and apportion to past experiences/outlooks, than the average person would like to imagine.  Indeed, people in general like to imagine they are 'complex' and 'above average intelligence'. When of course in fact the vast majority of people are  'average' in all ways. What this means is that nearly all people are simple to identify as suffering from the drives recognised by the Dunning Kruger Effect.

On top of all that I know these scenes inside out, meaning BDSM & spanking. Not only in a private capacity but from decades owning the commercial supply of adult sexual material and activities  ....  Ergo, you as a person are extremely simple to read. Unfortunately I've met 'you' in one form or another more times than I really care to remember.

Still, trying to be helpful, my fundamental advice here is for your wife to access professional psychological help. 

But past that, I could care less about you huffing like a child .... Because quite obviously if you thought I was correct, then I would know I was getting something seriously wrong. 😘

Now really, do try to calm down ... This thread and you hold no further interest for me. Toodle pip old bean.

Dude, do you really believe that you are the first Forum Pseudo Intellectual I've run across?  And yeah... you ARE a dude. 
Your "welcome"s to the new members of these forums leaves a bit to be desired IMHO.  Don't know how the Admins put up with you... I wouldn't.  I have to wonder how many new members you have driven off with your offensive drivel.  If I WERE an Admin on this site... I would be giving that a serious look.

But.... enough about you.  Let's talk about what you BELIEVE you know about others.  A single post that didn't even include all the facts (in the interest of brevity) and you are all set to play Sigmund Freud.  Well... analyze this.... your ASSUMPTIONS are SO far off base... you appear as a complete and total fool from this end of the conversation.

Now... an INTELLIGENT person who REALLY cared about others would be asking TONS of questions... not handing out judgements like Halloween candy.  But it's obvious that you really DON'T care about others.... the ONLY thing you care about is your perceived position inside these forums... the NEED to appear superior to all the other forum members.  Your posts to others in these forums reek of that.  I see that others have also attempted to bring that to your attention.

I hope you're not angry... I'm only trying to help you out here.  I really believe that you don't even realize how you affect other people which might well explain why these forums are the only life you have and why you fight so hard to try to retain your throne within them.

Another mistake you made.... I'm not the oldest surfer on the wave... two of my buddies that I surfed with in high school are still riding waves... both older than me. LOL!

Hey... Sorry... I probably should have been more diplomatic in my suggestions but I find my patience getting short with ill mannered forum bullies.  My bet is you've had a LOT of complaints filed with the Admins and probably several of your posts removed.  At some point in time, if you don't learn some proper forum manners, you will most likely find yourself lacking an account on this site.

But hey!  That's JMHO!  🙂
Enjoy! 

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 4
Link to comment

@HerrBlacktooth

If you REALLY want to be helpful you can tell me if this site has an "Idiot Filter"... you know... a block for those you really don't want to waste any more time on.  Most of those filters block all visibility between the two members.  I DO hope this site has one.

Thanks in advance! 
Your assistance to a new member on this subject would be both invaluable and greatly appreciated. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment

It doesn't sound like you have much of a spanking fetish.  But have your initial experiences with it been stimulating?  I'm not of the mind set that all sexual preferences are set in stone.  So, my read on your situation is that you should figure out ways to learn to enjoy alternatives to straight sex that are stimulating and fun.  It's good to experiment with spanking or even some BDSM to see what it's about.  Of course, I am biased to what my wife and I like to do.  Perhaps there's something else to try.  But start out light and keep it playful, and be creative with your sessions.  There are lots of couples that encounter some degree of sexual dysfunction, be it E. D. for the guy, painful intercourse for the gal, or whatever.  Not all sexual activity needs to be coitus-centric.      

  • Like 1
Link to comment

@Nu2SpankingI'm sorry that you had such an unfriendly welcome- please know that most, on here, aren't like that.

What a man, like him, will never comprehend is how nerve racking it can be to join a site like this. It takes courage to write that first forum post so good on you.

If he really could analyse people, he would have seen that you were nervous and excited hence the "Just reread this post... not exactly in chronological order... but what the hell. " When people are nervous and/or excited thoughts become jumbled and you just write them down, in no particular order. He just read your post with the agenda to find something to attack you with and yes, that's his forte. No member deserves that and certainly not a new member. If that would have been my first experience on this site, I wouldn't have come back so kudos, for you, for not being intimidated. You also addressed it well.

Admin should address his attitude and stop him bullying and putting people down. People come here to learn and find acceptance and his condescending "know it all" attitude is not accepting. An intelligent person can see him for what he is and will know he hides behind a computer and gets his kicks from bullying people- very brave! Some of his posts only subtly do that but most people can see it for what it is. You can also see that he spends hours googling things so that he can have his " aura of knowledge." He is a cowardly bullying, nothing more, nothing less.

Please don't let him drive you away and if any new member reads this, the same to you too.

And I'm sorry if some people will see this as "arguing" with him but I'm not afraid to stand up for what's right and try to stop members being bullied. This is NOT the welcome that any new member should get or deserves. I really hope that admin will put a stop to this.

I don't know if the block extends to forum posts- it works in messages, main chat and pm. You have to block both separately. If you want help knowing how to do that, just ask.

BTW welcome to the site and your wife is lucky that you are trying to understand and facilitate her needs. I sincerely wish your wife and you luck unlike that insincere and snide one at the end of his! If any wife needs good luck it is his- I'm struggling to believe that he is even married because I can't see any sane woman going near him, let alone marrying him but I guess it takes all sorts. Keep posting and it gets less nerve wracking with time😀

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment

@Rand E 
IMHO, you get an A+ for perception and intuitiveness.  You nailed it.  Thanks for taking the time to read and absorb my original post.

You mention a few of the things I'm wrestling with.  My thoughts are that this is a real draw for her, hence her sharing her excitement of the experience that I had truly believed was an epic fail, entirely due to my handling of it.  I want this to be perfect for her, so this time I'm doing my homework in advance.  Weird?

Now... if I go into this simply trying to satisfy her needs/desires... she'll know.  After our decades together, she'll feel it and it will spoil it for her.  She needs to know that I'm totally on board and getting off on it too.  Gawd... I feel like a little kid again... lost!  LOL!

Communication between us is probably more open now than it's ever been.  I'm getting better at asking questions and CAREFULLY listening to the answers and NOT moving past them until I fully understand the full depths of what she's trying to say.  (BTW: this site and the honesty of it's members have taught me a lot about that)  It's such a fine line between "discussing to an understanding" and "ruining everything with too much talk".  😂

Yes, you were astutely correct... this has never been a fantasy for me... yet, (I think!) I've been able to develop a fantasy that will parallel hers close enough to make it excitable for BOTH of us which will satisfy her need to know that I, too, am getting off on it.

If this is all WAY too much talk and analyzing for people PLEASE accept my apologies.  Sometimes these things should simply be raw emotions. ❤️ 

Link to comment

@sassylittle

THANK YOU!  It WAS difficult to openly discuss such personal thoughts and circumstances.  My heartfelt thanks to ALL the forum members who openly discuss their personal lives which help those of us seeking understanding.  Don't worry about @HerrBlacktooth as far as I'm concerned.  His type has been around since the advent of social media... and probably even before!  LOL!  He is transparent.  His entire life is what he can suck out out of forums such as this.  His desire to be worshipped as a god comes through with every post he writes.  I usually simply ignore them but this guy made some really nasty accusations that riled my sensibilities, so I responded... more to let him know that I already know his type as much as anything else.  If you carefully look at his posts, you will find that each and every one "talks down to you".  He considers himself on a lofty throne.

Also, thank you for realizing that my love for my spouse was my driving force for seeking out you wonderful, sharing people.  Without your input, I would still be the blind man crashing into walls.  Now... my promise to you is to share the results of my efforts.... for good or... sigh.. not so good. ❤️

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment

@Nu2SpankingYou are welcome. Try to pay him no mind because he has clearly shown, time and again, that he is totally clueless. Just let him continue to make a fool of himself and the ones who haven't seen him for what he is, will slowly catch on too. It's taken me a hell of a lot of restraint not to tell him exactly what I think but you know what... he isn't worth it. And as you can see admin is on his case now😀

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
On 1/11/2021 at 6:32 PM, Nu2Spanking said:

@Rand E 
IMHO, you get an A+ for perception and intuitiveness.  You nailed it.  Thanks for taking the time to read and absorb my original post.

You mention a few of the things I'm wrestling with.  My thoughts are that this is a real draw for her, hence her sharing her excitement of the experience that I had truly believed was an epic fail, entirely due to my handling of it.  I want this to be perfect for her, so this time I'm doing my homework in advance.  Weird?

Now... if I go into this simply trying to satisfy her needs/desires... she'll know.  After our decades together, she'll feel it and it will spoil it for her.  She needs to know that I'm totally on board and getting off on it too.  Gawd... I feel like a little kid again... lost!  LOL!

Communication between us is probably more open now than it's ever been.  I'm getting better at asking questions and CAREFULLY listening to the answers and NOT moving past them until I fully understand the full depths of what she's trying to say.  (BTW: this site and the honesty of it's members have taught me a lot about that)  It's such a fine line between "discussing to an understanding" and "ruining everything with too much talk".  😂

Yes, you were astutely correct... this has never been a fantasy for me... yet, (I think!) I've been able to develop a fantasy that will parallel hers close enough to make it excitable for BOTH of us which will satisfy her need to know that I, too, am getting off on it.

If this is all WAY too much talk and analyzing for people PLEASE accept my apologies.  Sometimes these things should simply be raw emotions. ❤️ 

There is no one-true-way, and I think it would be fair to say that all the participants on this forum have had mixed feelings and doubts about this thing we do.  And PLEASE do not apologize for expressing your feelings.  We all come here from a different directions, and those who can't handle those differences don't belong here.  Also, remember, it's an internet forum, so you are going to encounter a lot of unhelpful people.  Just sort out who you want to talk to and focus on that.  You can't get along with everybody, but I think, by and large, you will like the folks here.  They were helpful and understanding when I joined.  Stay engaged with us and you won't regret it.  

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...

Write what you are looking for and press enter or click the search icon to begin your search