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How do you come out and find partners when you're a very private person?


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2 hours ago, Bramblewine said:

Good to know!

When it comes to spanking play, I'm open to any gender. My sexual orientation is straight when it comes to sex, but not so strictly when it comes to spanking.

For a couple relationship, I'm not sure I'd want someone who puts much of their identity/activity into the spanking scene (although I could just be operating on preconceived notions here). I don't want to be playing 24/7, but to have a relationship that's the usual kind 24/7 and sometimes we play with spanking too, would be what I want.

Sounds like you know exactly what you want- believe me, that's more than most! Like you, I know exactly what I want. Just don't settle for lessūüėÄ

I have always been spanked by men- just never had the desire to be spanked by a woman, regardless of whether it's non- sexual or not. TBH I have never put the sexual and hard spanking/ BDSM parts together. I seriously didn't think it would be so hard to find a Daddy,  who wants both but would be happy for it to be a monogamous arrangement! Like, I know that I can meet the right one's every need and more! I don't think that I'm asking a lot in return either! Oh well, haven't quite given up yet but I am a lot more wary.

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1 minute ago, sassylittle said:

Sounds like you know exactly what you want- believe me, that's more than most! Like you, I know exactly what I want. Just don't settle for lessūüėÄ

I have always been spanked by men- just never had the desire to be spanked by a woman, regardless of whether it's non- sexual or not. TBH I have never put the sexual and hard spanking/ BDSM parts together. I seriously didn't think it would be so hard to find a Daddy,  who wants both but would be happy for it to be a monogamous arrangement! Like, I know that I can meet the right one's every need and more! I don't think that I'm asking a lot in return either! Oh well, haven't quite given up yet but I am a lot more wary.

Sounds like you and I want very different kinds of dynamics. That might be a factor here.

I wouldn't say I have a particularly strong desire to be spanked by a woman, more that if it's just a platonic spanking, I don't care about the spanker's gender, I care that they can and will give me the kind of spanking I want. Everyone has the right body parts for that! With sex, it does matter, because I strongly prefer the kind of sex that only a man and a woman can have. If I have a sexual and spanking relationship with the same person, that person then must be a man.

But I don't want a man who wants to dominate me outside the bedroom, or even necessarily dominate me in it. Sure, spanking someone is in some sense dominating them, but it doesn't necessarily have to come with other trappings of domination. I have little to no interest in the other trappings. I just find the spanking itself sexy as hell.

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1 hour ago, DougK said:

Dang, I was heading down the wrong path. The closest I could come was Gargantua and Pantagruel, with the Queendom of Whims, but then couldn't find any place named Whims...

Those aren't trash novels, though. The Gargantua and Pantagruel series was written as deliberate social satire, more in the vein of Don Quixote. Literary enough, intelligent enough, and relevant enough to still be read 400+ years later.

The Exploits of the Very Powerful Cavalier Esplandian, Son of the Excellent King Amadis of Gaul was schlocky pop fiction. It would've passed into obscurity if there weren't a state named after it.

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4 hours ago, DougK said:

I understand where you're coming from. I'm a private guy by nature, and it was just compounded by the fact that spanking was disapproved of by society (at least that was my perception). Although I'm far more relaxed about it now, when I first started exploring my spanking interest I was terrified of anybody finding out. This was way back in pre-Internet days, so I didn't even have the option of anonymous Internet discussion. When I first sent away for some spanking material, I went and rented a PO Box in another part of town because I didn't dare let the postman know, even though the envelope wouldn't actually show anything.

What helped get me past my fear was the recognition--emotionally, not just rationally--that I wasn't the only person with these interests, and that there were, in fact, women as interested in being spanked as I was interested in spanking them. But I also knew that it was a small subset of women, and I still wouldn't dare to bring it up with a woman I met in day-to-day life. I eventually realized, however, that if I made contact through the spanking community (in those days, a small set of publishers, including personal ads) then it wouldn't be this deep, scary secret that I couldn't bring up--because whoever I was talking to had the same deep, scary secret. So it's through the spanking community that I met all of my girlfriends, and eventually my wife (from whom I'm now separated). And in the process, over the years, the deep, scary secret became much less scary and, I guess, less secret as well. I have since been to spanking parties, BDSM munches, spanking munches, etc., and even many years ago presented a couple of "seminars" about spanking to the local BDSM community.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience @DougK. I especially appreciate hearing the side of a male spanker who's as private as I am!

You brought up a good point. I would love it if I could just meet and date a guy in some ordinary way and find that it just so happens we're compatibly wired. But in reality, the odds would be against him being a spanko in the first place, and even if he is, he might very well be in that space: he won't dare bring it up with me, since we'd met in day-to-day life. And then, he would not only have to be a spanko, he would have to be the right kind: an ER, and one who likes to spank for pleasure. That narrows the field even more.

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It sounds like you might be best served looking for a partner in the vanilla world.   You find somebody you mesh with really well...feeling absolutely comfortable telling them anything.  You get to the point in the relationship where you disclose these things.  You tell him about your desire to be spanked.  If the situation is really meshing well, and you're on the same wavelengths...he's going to want to fulfill this wish for you.  And likewise you will want to do special things for him.  It's like a quid pro quo between two people who deeply care for each other...you WANT to be giving towards each other!

Look,  from the sounds of it , you just want somebody to spank you playfully.  You aren't into power dynamics , or any hard core role playing.    This would be the perfect situation to mold a vanilla partner into precisely the sort of ER you desperately want.   

Somebody already ensconced in the spanking community, or who already has been an ER in several other spanking relationships, will be more "stuck in his ways" and may be more stubborn in how he defines himself as an ER.¬† ¬†And more likely the type of ER you don't seem to be looking for.¬† ¬† So that's my long-winded advice for what it's worth:¬† stay in the vanilla realm and find your soul mate¬† !!¬† ūüėČ

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I've been married for 25+ years.  My wife and I are a long-term spanko switch couple from before we were married, and I always thank God I found her.  So, my experiences with spanko dating are a bit, well, dated.  So, take my musings with a grain of salt - as you should with any advice from internet sites.

I never took the head-on direct approach.  I found dates in about the same way as vanilla folks do, but I paid a lot of attention to any signs of an interest in spanking.  I also found that many of the gals I dated, even absent any real outward signs, found it fun and sexy to experiment with it, up to a point.  So, my unscientific opinion on the matter, from my limited experience, is that there is a much larger interest in spanking out there as a sexual practice than one might expect.  My opinion on that was reinforced when 50 Shades of Gray found such widespread popularity, it surprised even me.  

So, with that in mind, I feel like I would approach this the same way as I did way back in those pre-internet dark ages when I was dating.  Be gregarious and open to dating frequently, and use those opportunities to explore and talk, but don't come on strong about spanking, be subtle and drop some hints.  Try some playful spanking play during sex.  This will help to "normalize" it and lay the groundwork for more interesting developments.  If there's no interest, then move on. 

But the law of averages is in your favor if you keep at it.  My feeling is - again caveat this is a complete conjecture on my part - that some 1 in 5 folks have an interest in spanking and could be enticed into giving it a try.  And of those, quite a few will find it a stimulating experience that grows on them.  

 

 

  

  

 

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On 11/24/2020 at 11:03 PM, AfterGeometry said:

 

Look,  from the sounds of it , you just want somebody to spank you playfully. 

Yes and no. I want intense play to be part of the picture, not just a light swat here and there. "Spanking playfully" sounds like light swats. Only real spankos--or vanilla with a spanko swirl people--would get it.

What I really want is vanilla with a good swirl of spanko!

Maybe even half and half.

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