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How do you come out and find partners when you're a very private person?


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Seriously. If any of you experienced folks are very private and have still managed to out yourselves to the right people and find spanking partners, please share!

I am a very deeply private person. My desire to be spanked is one of the most private things of all. Really, I'm deeply private about all sexual matters, and often about emotional matters, too. Most of the people who know me do not know those deeper parts of me. Not in any detail, at least.

I'm not purely spanko. There's also a vanilla side to my sexuality. That's the side I've operated from in my previous relationships, and I got into those the usual way: meet somebody, like somebody, go on some dates, get to know each other, and sooner or later decide to sleep together. Only in the last and longest one did I bring up my desire to be spanked, and that took years, several tries, and some liquid courage to get it all out. (Neither of us was under the influence when we actually tried it, but I had to be tipsy to raise the subject with him.)

But now I'm serious about opening up on the spanko side and looking for people to explore that with, if and when it becomes safe to do so. I'm not going out and meeting people in person during Covid, but if there were no Covid, it seems the logical thing to do would be go to a munch. But even the thought of that freaks me out.

How to get past this?

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For one, letting people know where you actually are is a start, but privacy is important to you so be careful. 

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@dmirkand @BndovrntakeitNeither of you is addressing the question I asked. I'm NOT asking how to find or connect with people in this forum. I'm asking about getting past the EMOTIONAL side of getting out there in the real world, NOT the logistical side. Giving my location is just logistics. 

I actually am giving my location, in a roundabout way. If you know your history, you can figure out where I live. But that's not relevant at this time because I'm not actively seeking partners at this time, and it's completely irrelevant to this topic. 

Everyone: please answer only if you're addressing the actual question: getting through the emotional barrier to coming out.

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Honestly, it takes practice.  Lots and lots of practice.  I get "selective mutism" around sex talk or anything that makes me too uncomfortable.  It took a lot of tries and really being able to trust my partner to be able to start talking about it.  I think participating on a website like this and fetlife helps.  It helps normalize the topic in your own brain.  The first time we went to a munch, someone asked what we were into.  I immediately tapped out for being over threshold.  About 5 minutes later I was able to discuss it, after the "secret" was out of the bag lol.  For me, it is easier to break the initial barrier online, then in text, then on the phone, Then in person.  And each step has a little setback.  But the more I discuss it, the easier it is.  I hope this helps!   

  

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P.s.  I was completely terrified ths first couple of munches and meetings.  I still get terrified with each meeting.   I find it easiest to reach out to the host online if possible.  They have always been super nice... Most of them know the terror.  And it gets easier as you go.  

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@Megthe thanks for the feedback!

There's a big (to me at least) difference between your situation and mine: you already had a spanking partner when you started going to events. I don't. I'd be going in on my own. I wouldn't have the buffer of a pre-existing relationship that includes this thing.

How did you find a partner initially? And get to the point of practicing spanking in that relationship?

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I don’t go to events.  Never been to one.  
 

I only have two ees to speak of.  One found me here and I have no idea how the other found me.  Both are far better than they think but find that a discipline spanking is the only thing that motivates them to improve.  
 

No one knows who they are and never will. 
 

As I mentioned, you’ll never find someone without giving at least a clue of where you are.  I traveled once overnight to administer a spanking but she paid for the night.  I would not make a habit of that.  
 

FYI - I’m between NYC and Philadelphia. 30 miles north of Atlantic City.  
 

I’m betting you’re nowhere near and that’s fine. 
 

You’ll find the right person who will respect your privacy.  It’s obviously very important to you. Don’t let go of that. 

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10 minutes ago, Bramblewine said:

@Megthe thanks for the feedback!

There's a big (to me at least) difference between your situation and mine: you already had a spanking partner when you started going to events. I don't. I'd be going in on my own. I wouldn't have the buffer of a pre-existing relationship that includes this thing.

How did you find a partner initially? And get to the point of practicing spanking in that relationship?

You are right. In person for the first event I went with my husband.  Honestly, we started vanilla.  We were vanilla with a tiny bit of kink mixed in... I was lucky and he read my body language... For years and had some domination kink of his own that he would try a little at a time  but was afraid to say anything g about. We were together 7 yrs before I even recognized being a spanko and admitted it to myself.  At that point, I got "sub frenzy" and found fetlife and this website and started talking to people online and actually communicating my desire to the hubbs.  To go from.just playing occassionally to our DD style relationship now took time and a lot lot lot of communication, tears of frustration, and time. 

As far as finding other spanking.play partners, it started online.  The first one is the host of a kink night at a club and I messaged him, and we met him at the club.

I have also gone to munches alone.  I went to a Sub support group and a MAsT group alone. Both were very stressful but once I walked in the door it got better.  To get over the hump I imagine the worst case scenario (this is really a church and i have spanko written on my face) and then work it backwards.  I actually agreed to the first coffee with my husband betting a friend he would never talk to me again.  Mentally prepare for absolute shame and rejection, and anything less than that is like a success!  This os how o deal with the social and general anxiety anyway.

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I have always been the same as you. I don't go to spanking/BDSM parties or events, these days, because it's just not my thing! However, when I was in my late teens ( 17 plus) and my 20's I did. I would have never have gone to one of these things on my own! My first dungeon, I went with my Psychology lecturer- who was very out about his BDSM and sexual interests. After that I found a long-term Dom but that was purely down to luck! We were friends, I did something reckless and he said some-one should spank me for it! Being my sassy self, I made a sassy comment and he literally did spank me! After that we found out that we had a lot in common spanking/ BDSM wise. He was my Dom for nearly 11 years before he sadly suddenly passed away. I had a BDSM reputation so to speak, in England, so I found it very easy to find Doms. I never had to use online resources until I moved to this side of the pond! I had spanking/ BDSM friends, in England, so if I wanted to go to an event I always managed to find people to go with me.

Online chat is easier with strangers than irl. You might find it easier if you put something, in the forums, looking for spanking friends in your area ( I'm not talking about finding a spanker per se.) If you can find local people, you will have people to go to events, with you, which will help your nerves. Some of it is really down to luck and some of it you need to put some effort into. Local contacts will help a long way to finding the right spanker too. If you find a confident ER, they will be very open with you which will in turn make it easier to open up to them. It's finding the right people who compliment your personality and once you gain confidence all of this becomes much easier.

I really hope this helps you somewhat and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask😀

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2 hours ago, dmirk said:


 

As I mentioned, you’ll never find someone without giving at least a clue of where you are.  
 

I actually have given a clue of where I am. Cryptic, but still a clue. If anyone figures it out, they're a person after my own heart! 

If I were seriously looking, I would just say where I am prosaically. For now, I'm having some fun with it.

 

 

Quote

 

FYI - I’m between NYC and Philadelphia. 30 miles north of Atlantic City.  
 

I’m betting you’re nowhere near and that’s fine. 

 

You are correct. Same country, though!

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@Megthe and @sassylittle thanks! Yes, I've already found it's much easier to discuss this online. I could never discuss it with anyone in person at this point. Probably not even if they brought it up first.

I'm actually on the fence about even going to events. In normal, non-pandemic times, I go to plenty of events for my vanilla interests. Would a spanking munch really be that different? On the other hand, the idea of combining "event, lots of people there, all or mostly strangers" with something as personal as this, really seems anathema. I would never go to a sex party, even though I'm also sex oriented. Sex is much too private a thing for that, in my book. But, if I'm going to meet people who are into this, it makes sense to go where they are.

There's another consideration, too: I live in a city that's big enough to be considered a big city but still small enough that you'll run into the same people again and again in various places, and the circles I move in keep overlapping unbeknownst to me: I go to a Meetup and there's someone I know from a seemingly unrelated part of my life, or my new coworker turns out to have been in that group I went to years ago, or someone approaches me on the street and says, "Hey, don't I know you from Event (that I went to once)?" So, I just bet that if I go to a spanking event, there will be some overlap again. I don't know who, but I cringe just thinking about the possibility! Even though, logically, if anyone I know is there, they'll be there for the same reasons as me and likely want as much confidentiality.

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@Bramblewine I would never go to a sex party either. For me, I think sex should be more special and private than that ( not knocking people who enjoy these events.) I also prefer monogamous sexual experiences. I have too many fears over STD's to be any different, plus I'm not that brave or confident lol. I am sex and spanking orientated too but I would prefer to find a long-term monogamous arrangement, where it can be more special and I don't have to worry about catching anything because we are both meeting each other's needs and have no need to bring others into the mix. It's hard work finding a Daddy who doesn't want to put it in anything and everything!

I wouldn't be worried about bumping into some-one I know, at an event, because they will want the same confidentiality/ discretion that I would want. Parties just aren't, for me, because I just love the intimacy and specialness of one-to-one. Most would have enough respect to be discrete if you bumped into them in your "vanilla world" so you probably haven't got much to be worried about on that front either.

Stick to whatever you are comfortable with and just focus on making online friends and contacts,😀 until you feel you want to take it to the next step

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2 hours ago, sassylittle said:

@Bramblewine I would never go to a sex party either. For me, I think sex should be more special and private than that ( not knocking people who enjoy these events.) I also prefer monogamous sexual experiences. I have too many fears over STD's to be any different, plus I'm not that brave or confident lol. I am sex and spanking orientated too but I would prefer to find a long-term monogamous arrangement, where it can be more special and I don't have to worry about catching anything because we are both meeting each other's needs and have no need to bring others into the mix. It's hard work finding a Daddy who doesn't want to put it in anything and everything!

 

Yes, what I want to end up with is similar. Only my ideal dynamic would be something like what this blogger has: not DD, not really dom/sub, but does include plenty of spanking play.

To start with, though, I would be glad to have a platonic spanking friend or two. Being monogamous partners requires much more compatibility, in more areas of life, than friendship does. It's always easier to find friends than to find the hypothetical special someone who checks enough of the boxes to be the right partner for me. I don't want to pin all my hopes for a spanker on that hypothetical person, and while I feel a very strong need to be monogamous in sex, I don't feel that strongly about spanking, so I'm open to less serious arrangements there.

But even with spanking, I would rather play in private. Maybe, if I had a close small group of deeply trusted spanking friends, I could play with all of them in the room, but that's as far as I'd be willing to go.

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3 hours ago, Bramblewine said:

I actually have given a clue of where I am. Cryptic, but still a clue. If anyone figures it out, they're a person after my own heart! 

If I were seriously looking, I would just say where I am prosaically. For now, I'm having some fun with it.

 

 

You are correct. Same country, though!

Same country.  I’m getting close...

But you’re right.  I don’t have a clue from your profile.  

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52 minutes ago, dmirk said:

I know nothing of 16th century trash novels - and I was an English major...

Do you know anything of U.S. history? Like, where place names come from?

Hint, hint!

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9 hours ago, dmirk said:

I know nothing of 16th century trash novels - and I was an English major...

I think she lives in California. There was a  Spanish novel in 1600 and when the Spanish discovered California they thought it was an island and mistook it for the California in the book.

Eng Lit wouldn't really help you with Spanish Lit😂

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2 minutes ago, sassylittle said:

I think she lives in California. There was a  Spanish novel in 1600 and when the Spanish discovered California they thought it was an island and mistook it for the California in the book.

Eng Lit wouldn't really help you with Spanish Lit😂

Sorry 16th century- really need to quit replying to things when I've just woken up😂

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11 hours ago, Bramblewine said:

Yes, what I want to end up with is similar. Only my ideal dynamic would be something like what this blogger has: not DD, not really dom/sub, but does include plenty of spanking play.

To start with, though, I would be glad to have a platonic spanking friend or two. Being monogamous partners requires much more compatibility, in more areas of life, than friendship does. It's always easier to find friends than to find the hypothetical special someone who checks enough of the boxes to be the right partner for me. I don't want to pin all my hopes for a spanker on that hypothetical person, and while I feel a very strong need to be monogamous in sex, I don't feel that strongly about spanking, so I'm open to less serious arrangements there.

But even with spanking, I would rather play in private. Maybe, if I had a close small group of deeply trusted spanking friends, I could play with all of them in the room, but that's as far as I'd be willing to go.

Just be careful with men who are into spanking/ BDSM plus sex. There's something about that mix that makes men incapable of a monogamous arrangement and they have no compunction about lying to you either! I have seriously considered 3 Daddies, this year,  and 2 out of the 3 have said they want a monogamous arrangement and lied about not having others. The best one was a guy who had been begging me for ages to be his little. I kept turning down because I had a Daddy,  then I wasn't ready for another one and when I finally start to consider him, I find out that he lied to me. He kept telling me " don't judge me by your last Daddy because I'm not the same." He said he was more than happy just to have me and then some-one else let it slip that he had other girls. I confront him and he tells me " you will be my only girl, the rest aren't serious and are just play!" Like WTF? 😂

If you are looking for 24/7 ( I'm not) you might meet a better breed or class of man! You really have to not trust any of them until they prove themselves trustworthy. Just be wary and always keep your eyes and ears open. Get to know people on here as well. Being a small community, people will warn each other of people who they have had a bad experience with. I was warned about another Daddy, who had contacted me, and told to stay away from him because he is dangerous. I can't stress how valuable it is to get to know the people, on this site, because we really do look out for each other and you don't get that on bigger sites. Often I will get messages from people " what do you know about this person?" and you'll be able to do the same if you get to know people.

Good luck in your journey.

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5 hours ago, sassylittle said:

Just be careful with men who are into spanking/ BDSM plus sex. There's something about that mix that makes men incapable of a monogamous arrangement and they have no compunction about lying to you either! I have seriously considered 3 Daddies, this year,  and 2 out of the 3 have said they want a monogamous arrangement and lied about not having others. The best one was a guy who had been begging me for ages to be his little. I kept turning down because I had a Daddy,  then I wasn't ready for another one and when I finally start to consider him, I find out that he lied to me. He kept telling me " don't judge me by your last Daddy because I'm not the same." He said he was more than happy just to have me and then some-one else let it slip that he had other girls. I confront him and he tells me " you will be my only girl, the rest aren't serious and are just play!" Like WTF? 😂

If you are looking for 24/7 ( I'm not) you might meet a better breed or class of man! You really have to not trust any of them until they prove themselves trustworthy. Just be wary and always keep your eyes and ears open. Get to know people on here as well. Being a small community, people will warn each other of people who they have had a bad experience with. I was warned about another Daddy, who had contacted me, and told to stay away from him because he is dangerous. I can't stress how valuable it is to get to know the people, on this site, because we really do look out for each other and you don't get that on bigger sites. Often I will get messages from people " what do you know about this person?" and you'll be able to do the same if you get to know people.

Good luck in your journey.

Good to know!

When it comes to spanking play, I'm open to any gender. My sexual orientation is straight when it comes to sex, but not so strictly when it comes to spanking.

For a couple relationship, I'm not sure I'd want someone who puts much of their identity/activity into the spanking scene (although I could just be operating on preconceived notions here). I don't want to be playing 24/7, but to have a relationship that's the usual kind 24/7 and sometimes we play with spanking too, would be what I want.

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6 hours ago, sassylittle said:

I think she lives in California. There was a  Spanish novel in 1600 and when the Spanish discovered California they thought it was an island and mistook it for the California in the book.

Eng Lit wouldn't really help you with Spanish Lit😂

You won the prize!

That book was apparently the only reading material on board the first ship to land in California. So, the sailors had it on their minds when they needed to think up a name for this place. The name stuck.

 

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18 hours ago, Bramblewine said:

@Megthe and @sassylittle thanks! Yes, I've already found it's much easier to discuss this online. I could never discuss it with anyone in person at this point. Probably not even if they brought it up first.

I'm actually on the fence about even going to events. In normal, non-pandemic times, I go to plenty of events for my vanilla interests. Would a spanking munch really be that different? On the other hand, the idea of combining "event, lots of people there, all or mostly strangers" with something as personal as this, really seems anathema. I would never go to a sex party, even though I'm also sex oriented. Sex is much too private a thing for that, in my book. But, if I'm going to meet people who are into this, it makes sense to go where they are.

There's another consideration, too: I live in a city that's big enough to be considered a big city but still small enough that you'll run into the same people again and again in various places, and the circles I move in keep overlapping unbeknownst to me: I go to a Meetup and there's someone I know from a seemingly unrelated part of my life, or my new coworker turns out to have been in that group I went to years ago, or someone approaches me on the street and says, "Hey, don't I know you from Event (that I went to once)?" So, I just bet that if I go to a spanking event, there will be some overlap again. I don't know who, but I cringe just thinking about the possibility! Even though, logically, if anyone I know is there, they'll be there for the same reasons as me and likely want as much confidentiality.

I understand where you're coming from. I'm a private guy by nature, and it was just compounded by the fact that spanking was disapproved of by society (at least that was my perception). Although I'm far more relaxed about it now, when I first started exploring my spanking interest I was terrified of anybody finding out. This was way back in pre-Internet days, so I didn't even have the option of anonymous Internet discussion. When I first sent away for some spanking material, I went and rented a PO Box in another part of town because I didn't dare let the postman know, even though the envelope wouldn't actually show anything.

What helped get me past my fear was the recognition--emotionally, not just rationally--that I wasn't the only person with these interests, and that there were, in fact, women as interested in being spanked as I was interested in spanking them. But I also knew that it was a small subset of women, and I still wouldn't dare to bring it up with a woman I met in day-to-day life. I eventually realized, however, that if I made contact through the spanking community (in those days, a small set of publishers, including personal ads) then it wouldn't be this deep, scary secret that I couldn't bring up--because whoever I was talking to had the same deep, scary secret. So it's through the spanking community that I met all of my girlfriends, and eventually my wife (from whom I'm now separated). And in the process, over the years, the deep, scary secret became much less scary and, I guess, less secret as well. I have since been to spanking parties, BDSM munches, spanking munches, etc., and even many years ago presented a couple of "seminars" about spanking to the local BDSM community.

Even so, I would still find it extremely difficult to bring up the subject with somebody who I didn't already know was interested in it, which is why the concept of vanilla dating has little appeal to me. So I guess my advice to you is to reach out within the community--here and other online forums, along with munches, especially if there's a spanking-only one in your area, and maybe even parties. Be aware that parties come in all varieties; some have open, public spanking, maybe even combined with sexual activity, but others are really just vanilla parties with a gathering of people with a common interest in spanking, maybe (but not necessarily) associated with a separate area where people may engage in private spanking.

BTW, I also understand your fear of running into a spanking acquaintance in a non-spanking context--because it's happened to me. Several times, in fact. Back when I was a more active hanger-on in the local BDSM community (although my interest was spanking, at the time there was no local spanking-only group), I met a number of people. I was also on the board of a nonprofit, and did a lot of fundraising, which involved going out and personally meeting with donors or prospective donors, typically with another member of the nonprofit. On at least two occasions, that donor turned out to be somebody I was acquainted with from the BDSM community. In both cases, we just both ignored it. With one, I don't think we even acknowledged that we had met each other before; in the other, we might have said we knew each other, but just vaguely "through friends" or some such. In a third instance, I ran across another such acquaintance (who I didn't really like much, anyway) at a couple of professional events, and he then ended up working in my office. He was more willing to acknowledge an acquaintanceship than I was; I mainly just tried to keep my distance and only interact professionally. In all cases, I wasn't much worried about them "outing" me, both because they wouldn't necessarily want to out themselves, and just due to common courtesy.

So the upshot is that I understand your concerns, but do know they can be overcome. Starting by online communication is the safest. (Especially during pandemic times!) And then gradually branching out to munches or other in-person meetings.

Good luck!!

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55 minutes ago, Bramblewine said:

You won the prize!

That book was apparently the only reading material on board the first ship to land in California. So, the sailors had it on their minds when they needed to think up a name for this place. The name stuck.

 

Dang, I was heading down the wrong path. The closest I could come was Gargantua and Pantagruel, with the Queendom of Whims, but then couldn't find any place named Whims...

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