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Dilemma - should I confess?


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Hi guys - am faced with a difficult decision and need some advice from you experienced EEs and ERs! I've got myself into a bit of a mess ...

Last week and at my last session with my disciplinarian (who is a friend for those of you who haven't read my back story) I was pretty dishonest. I kind of told him that it had been a really good week - he dealt with a pretty minor issue and actually we ended up using time we'd thought would be for a session to chat about other things. But what I didn't tell him was that I had ripped up my handwritten note I have to keep of anything I do that breaks my rules. I had actually had a really bad week for breaking rules. I am worried that he may know about one of the issues last week because it involved a mutual friend and I know he's seen her since our session - he hasn't mentioned it but may be waiting for me to say something. I also showed him my phone (as I have a screen time issue) and the weekly stats looked great because I'd had a couple of bad days and then reset it - he believed me when I said I had had a good week on that front.

I feel a mixture of guilt, disappointment and anxiety. Lying and me not being up front with him is a huge issue for him (he actually feels affronted, like I am wasting his time, and like it shows a lack of respect for him as a friend) -- it was me admitting a lack of honesty before that made him suggest we might need to get what he calls an implement of last resort. I've already gotten into trouble for honesty issues and we've had this arrangement for only about a month (it's gone well, if that makes sense, and he has been great). But I am worried about coming clean - actually I've already had a bad to start to this week in terms of my rules - I am pretty sure that I'll get the worst spanking he's given me so far and it'll be horrible: he may decide that a more severe implement is deserved and he may want me to wear something different for the session (i'd still get to keep some modesty - that's a non-negotiable for me - but I've had a swimsuit waiting since we started this and never had to wear it). I feel that it's pretty no win. F**k.

Any thoughts on what to do / similar experiences? Would you EEs keep quiet and let it pass or confess? Would you ERs show any mercy if I was honest at this point rather than carrying on hiding it?


Thanks!

N

 

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I agree with @rubyredd, if this is truly a discipline-focused relationship, you need to be forthright.  There is no point otherwise.  Evading discipline for your infractions does you no favors, and will not accomplish anything in reaching whatever goals you have set.  Honesty is the best policy in these scenarios.

 

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I think the question you need to ask yourself, if why you sought out discipline in the first place. If you are like me, you looked for it to help you with things you are having problems with, things you want to change. You chose the discipline bc you want the help to change some behaviors, right? Looked at from that perspective, lying is completely counterproductive. You are literally standing in your own way and not letting yourself get the help you wanted when you asked for discipline. Ask yourself, do you want to change those behaviors? Is discipline what you need to do so? If yes, then you need to accept that discipline. Hiding the bad behaviors means you aren't getting help with them. If your disciplinarian doesn't know about the issues bc you hide them, you might as well just say that those are things you don't want to be disciplined for - it has the same result. If you want to change the behaviors, for real? Confess, accept the punishment you earned, don't lie about things again.

Also, consider why you lied. Do you not trust your top? How is he supposed to trust you if you are constantly lying? There is absolutely no healthy discipline relationship without trust. Lying undermines that trust, so it cannot happen. Once you and your top don't trust one another, discipline will Never work. 

You aren't forced into the discipline. It's a choice you made, something you looked for and wanted. That means you get to do the work and take responsibility - which means confessing any bad behavior even if you know you'll get in trouble. Especially if you know you'll get in trouble. This isn't forced on you, so you don't get to act like a child hiding from daddy- you are an adult that Wants the discipline, so try to act with that part of your mind.

So yes, in my opinion, if you want the discipline in your life? Confess, be honest, think about how to avoid lying again, and accept that this time around you earned a serious punishment by doing something very very serious. It sucks, and it's scary, and I'm sure you don't want it- but that's why it works, and you do want the discipline in general, so try to focus on that.

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If I were your disciplinarian and I found out about this I would be disappointed, very disappointed. As @Torc87says you are an adult. No one is forcing you to get punished, you are asking by choice to correct issues. Have a serious look at yourself, do you simply want to pick and choose when or if you are punished. Either face up to your issues or go back to your old ways.

if I were your disciplinarian I would quite frankly ditch you and this experiment because if you don’t have trust you have nothing.

have a serious look at yourself and ask do you wish to get benefit from this experience or not. If the answer is yes then apologise to your friend, have a full and frank confession and hope he forgives you. Oh and dig out that swimsuit for your next session...

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It is Important to come clean for your conscience, but you shouldn’t have to fear how badly he will hurt you.  I would tell him that you did it, but that you either need to have some limit in place to protect yourself or that you are no longer going to submit to him.

You are entitled to be able to apologize and unburden yourself like anyone else is without having to worry about whether he will lose control, seek revenge, or in some other way compromise your physical and/or emotional well-being.  People make mistakes and apologize all the time without having to be hit - repeatedly - for the privilege.  Be good to yourself. 

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Thanks all for your thoughts, perspectives, and advice- it is all helpful and much appreciated. Torc87 - what you said really resonated with me: I was the one that wanted (and need) this arrangement, the rules and the consequences and that's because I want to improve, I want to cut out certain behaviours and habits; he's been good enough to give that to me in a friendship based on trust and so far it has really helped me. Given that I want and need that accountability, and it is working, lying is totally counterproductive - you are right. I know that I need to be better at facing the consequences for my behaviour.

This is definitely all my fault. There is no issue with him having done anything wrong by me. And I don't have any issue with submitting to his discipline - we've agreed the parameters and he's been great at respecting that.

I have decided to come clean and confess everything - it is the right thing to do given my long-term goals and my respect for him, and wanting to have a clear conscience and no more guilt. I accept that I deserve serious punishment and I will tell him that. And I have decided that if he thinks a more serious implement is warranted for this, and for any more issues with lying, I will reluctantly accept that.  I know that I have only myself to blame.

I am going to call him tonight and we'll take it from there --

N

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You are doing the right thing now that you've sorted it out.

I can see two possible outcomes in this situation.  

The first is that he'll accept what you say in which case I think you are in fir the spanking of your life.

The other is he dismisses you and you're back at ground zero.

For your sake, I'm hoping for option 1.  It'll not feel like that was such a good idea for a few days after your severe spanking but in the long run it will.

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Thanks Dmirk! Fortunately for me, it was always going to be option 1 - that's probably one of the advantages of doing this with someone who knows you well and who you have an enduring friendship (or relationship) with.

So we had the phone conversation last night. I confessed everything about my lying and deliberately misleading him last week. I also volunteered that I deserved whatever he saw fit and accepted that my punishment should much worse than any of the 4 spankings I've had so far. He definitely agrees (but most of all wants to help me - I am lucky, I know). He's decided that (a) I won't get to wear my shorts, I'll be asked to wear my swimsuit for a spanking for the first time, and (b) we're getting a new implement to address my honesty issues and he's going to keep it for the most serious situations - he sure knows how to build nervousness and anticipation because he told me that he's not telling me what he's ordering (I fear it will be a cane or a shambok because the knows are implements he obviously knows about and has talked about before - not sure what would be worse???) and I'll have to wait until it arrives before we have an appointment (that wait is going to be almost as bad as the punishment). He wants us to park any other rule breaking for another time (I have to keep my lists up) and just to spend a session dealing with honesty etc. In the end he was really disappointed in me, more than annoyed - that feeling of disappointing him feels worse. 

It was a difficult call to make but it feels like a a weight lifted from my shoulders. I'm dreading the session but hopefully it is going to do me "good" going forward. Just knowing what's going to happen has already helped me focus on being really candid with him. Now for a horrible wait. Think of me! (although I know you guys, especially you ERs, probably don't have much sympathy given what I did).

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2 hours ago, Naomi said:

 

He's decided that (a) I won't get to wear my shorts, I'll be asked to wear my swimsuit for a spanking for the first time, and (b) we're getting a new implement to address my honesty issues and he's going to keep it for the most serious situations 

It was a difficult call to make but it feels like a a weight lifted from my shoulders. I'm dreading the session but hopefully it is going to do me "good" going forward. Just knowing what's going to happen has already helped me focus on being really candid with him. Now for a horrible wait. Think of me! (although I know you guys, especially you ERs, probably don't have much sympathy given what I did).

Should it be that the Cane-iac  Tear Jerker happens to be your good fortune, any further honesty issues will cease to be a concern. 

Au contraire,  you have my deepest, Sincere Empathy.  😛  😁

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So - an update. He told me last night that the implement he ordered has arrived and I am getting the walloping of my life tomorrow (not the other 4 weren't bad). And yehp, he's got a frickin shambok, I haven't seen it yet. MrBottoms - I checked out that Tear Jerker (luckily we couldn't get it quickly here in the UK) but it looks pretty similar to shambok from what I've read. Have any of you ever had one used on you? What should I be expecting as someone who has previously only been strapped, had the bath brush and a small hairbrush? I assume it is going to be a fair bit worse?

Mr Bottoms I think (and hope) you're right, my honesty issues will probably cease to be a concern. And he is making me go to his place for the "appointment"  -normally I am punished at my apartment. Can't imagine I'll be getting much sleep tonight but part of me wants to get this done with. I agree with what others have said - it's better to get punishments done quickly after the event!

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Hi Naomi, as you're embarking on what will be a very severe punishment (effectively a whipping), I'm a bit concerned about your bum being covered. I know that modesty is important to you but as others have said, having the skin exposed is a good way to monitor the effects of the strokes and to avoid lasting damage or bleeding. Perhaps your swimsuit will expose enough skin to achieve this, but certainly I would never administer a severe spanking on a covered bottom. The sjambok is a serious implement used in judicial punishment, so safety is an issue.

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I have a certain amount of agreement with @Englishman you need, @Naomi, to have skin exposed to be able to ascertain damage isn't occurring although I would think if your friend has been into spanking and discipline for a while he will be certain to monitor the situation. I understand your need not to expose your private areas to your friend but I would suggest a compromise and ask can you wear a thong which will expose the bottom cheeks but give you a certain amount of modesty of your private area, either that or pull back your swimsuit into the 'crack' area and this will achieve the same result.
I'm assuming that he is having you attend his place for two reasons a) he is throwing you off balance by changing to less familiar surroundings and b) showing you that it is he and not yourself that is controlling this particular punishment - there might be a third reason and that is his place is more sound proofed than yours 😞

Either way, good luck tomorrow, accept your deserved punishment with as much grace as you can and throw yourself on his mercy (and hope he is merciful...)

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Honesty is a character trait that we embrace because it aligns with the caliber of person we want to be. Nobody can spank honesty into us. Whether or not you tell your disciplinarian, is your call. The face looking back at you in the mirror at the end of the day is yours. You are the one who has to live with your choices and your character. I have no doubt that you're a good person who's trying to do the right things in life and who truly wants to improve. But I think this goes way deeper than a mere "Should I tell him, or shouldn't I?" Only you can decide how important honesty is or isn't to you. And only you can make this change in your values. 

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It's not up to me or anyone else what you do in this stiuation, but if you feel so bad about it that you have to ask here, then confess your wrongs and take your punishment. What could be worse, a darkness hovering over you of the lies you keep, or a sore backside and a feeling of forgiveness. It's up to you.

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30 minutes ago, Redwombutt said:

It's not up to me or anyone else what you do in this stiuation, but if you feel so bad about it that you have to ask here, then confess your wrongs and take your punishment.

There have been several who have asked similar questions of late, and it is certainly something worth thinking about. Honesty with your partner starts with the small things, not the big things.

Lies at both ends, the large and the small can topple the trust in a relationship. You must be able to undoubtedly trust your partner, and if you are having questions or doubts about wether to tell, there is a larger issue at play than did you do something wrong.

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1 hour ago, Englishman said:

It's interesting that Naomi is still logging on but has not commented since Thursday. I suspect that this whole scenario is a fantasy. It wouldn't be the first time on here.

You don’t know that. She may take a while to process what happened and that’s ok.

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Thanks Steven.

Englishman - I wish I could tell you that this scenario was a fiction (although that would have been an absurd exercise and waste of time on my part)! I don't understand why you would suggest that and, honestly, I find it pretty hurtful. It has actually been a difficult couple of weeks for me on various levels. It worries me that there are people on here who treat interactions as fictional because it makes me question whether responses which one thinks are genuine (including advice I find helpful) are given on that basis. 

Friday's appointment went ahead, it was really really hard for me (I wasn't treated unfairly or at risk or anything - just hard emotionally and physically) but I think I made the right decision and people on here were right to encourage me to come clean. I am okay. I am 'sorry' that I didn't write quickly enough for your liking! I will write properly but it takes time to write a decent blog which captures what happens in what for  me are complex experiences with loads of emotions. I like to write about it because it helps me to process and reflect on the journey (that I haven't been on for long) and, from what other members have told me, I know that some find it interesting/useful in embarking on their own journeys (in my blogs I have tried to pick on up advice I've taken on board from other members etc). Yes-  I have come on here since Friday evening and read -- reading about others' continues to interest me and I find it helpful to see what others are doing and experiencing. I will write something but haven't had time or the inclination to do it yet. But please don't question my motives or integrity when I do that, Englishman!

N

 

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@Naomi Sometimes it takes time to share. And sometimes the actual spanking or scene feels like it is too personal to share or you just want to keep it private. You should not feel like you have to write about this particular experience. I spent several days with my Top / disciplinary partner a couple of weeks ago (for a "reset" and attitude adjustment). I haven't shared anything about those spankings yet because the whole experience felt very personal and emotional. 

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@NaomiI often come on to the group but possibly only for a minute or so and can't or rather dont have time to engage with others - therefore the fact you logged on is immaterial and IMHO @Englishmanwas probably a little premature and unjustified in his assertions.
Although as a disciplinarian I feel that your latest punishment was justified for yourself by your friend for your dishonesty, I am sure you have paid the price for that dishonesty and therefore 'slate wiped clean' - I look forward to your next blog when you have time and are mentally strong enough to share your experiences.

Sometimes this hobby/interest we share together can make us cynical and untrusting - I have been subject to catfishing in the past but even though it shook my confidence, ultimately I have not been altered in my belief that the vast majority of people are genuine - so good on you for recognising a need in your lifestyle and having the guts to do something about it by trusting your friend to 'deliver'

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  • 2 weeks later...

Good day @Naomi !

A lot of time has passed since your publication and I'm probably late. I can tell you, what we do with my girlfriend in such cases.
If she lied to me and hid the story of her bad deed, then additional punishment is due. But, if she herself told me about her lies before she found out about it, then the number of blows is reduced, but they are delivered by a more painful instrument. It's good that you're little-ashamed. Don't be afraid. Tell your friend what happened and discuss this moment. If you like this idea, then as a tool for a shorter but more painful punishment, I recommend using a classic middle school cane.

If you have followed the path of such relationship, be more confident in yourself. "Punishment" is not only a way to pay for your actions and relieve feelings of guilt, it is also a way to explore yourself. Very soon you will begin to "change" and look at others and yourself in a completely different way.

(Sorry, my english is not good - too little language practice)

 

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