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Stubborn streak


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I need advice. I’ve only had two sessions with my disciplinarian, and he has this way of bringing me into my submissive state. I’m naturally submissive, I feel at home in that state, and I think I follow directions well!  However, when ever I’m back home and our relationship becomes electronic, within a day or two I feel stubborn and defiant like a child. I hate that I get like that. He will send me messages about what’s expected of me and, I usually respect his requests. But if I don’t like what he “orders” me to do, I complain and most likely won’t do it. Keep in mind, I only defy him if I think his requests are stupid! How can I adjust my attitude when he’s not with me to hold me accountable and “fix me”? Thank you for helping a newbie out! 

 

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Communicate comminicate communicate!  Can you give an example of a request you think is stupid?  Is it "I know I SHOULD but I don't WANT to" like laundry, or "This makes me feel silly and degraded and isn't my kink" like random orders for corner time or just domly flex requests "stand on one foot because I said so" type things?  If it is the first 2, it is normal for your brain to go "nope dun wanna", especially in the beginning. Especially if it is things you struggle with and need accountability for.  Maybe you are setting the bar too high at first.  If it is the latter 2, talk to your disciplinarian and exolain that those things don't help you.or make you feel good and find a compromise.  

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Thank you for replying! Last week he told me to sit on a pillow for 3 days. I was glad he did and it helped immensely! This week he said the same thing, but I told him I don’t need to because my bottom doesn’t hurt at all. He then said it’s not so much a cushion for the pain but a reminder to behave. I told him I thought that it was stupid to do that and it wasn’t going to work, etc.  He said I need to follow orders and watch my attitude which just didn’t seem to make a difference. This was all through email. I think I would have been much more careful if I was with him in person!

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As this is a new dynamic, he is trying to help you feel submissive by giving you a domly flex.  You sound like.you are having a hard time feeling it  when the consequences aren't immediate. That isn't unusual.  If he holds you accountable for refusing to hold uo your sode of the agreement, (follow orders), then in the future you may be more willing.  Being the sub isn't always easy, the hard part is fighting within ourselves. But if your dynaimc is that you agreed to follow his orders, then you do let yourself and him down by refusing. I struggle with this as well.

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What is domly flex? That’s a new term to me...although all of this is new to me!  I think you said it exactly right when you said “the hard part is fighting within ourselves” — that makes a lot of sense, especially when considering I have very little self discipline to begin with. I hope this gets easier! Thanks so much!

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 11/9/2020 at 10:43 AM, Shy2020 said:

Thank you for replying! Last week he told me to sit on a pillow for 3 days. I was glad he did and it helped immensely! This week he said the same thing, but I told him I don’t need to because my bottom doesn’t hurt at all. He then said it’s not so much a cushion for the pain but a reminder to behave. I told him I thought that it was stupid to do that and it wasn’t going to work, etc.  He said I need to follow orders and watch my attitude which just didn’t seem to make a difference. This was all through email. I think I would have been much more careful if I was with him in person!

I think this depends a lot on what you've agreed to with him. Have you agreed that you will follow all his orders, without discussion? If so, then you need to really make an effort to do so. But don't assume that you *have* to agree to something like that, just because he's your disciplinarian. Especially here, with it being a new relationship. You both need to be comfortable with the dynamics between you, and it's perfectly reasonable--in fact, desirable--that you both set limits on what is, and is not, included.

Personally, I can't imagine giving an order like that to somebody I was just starting out with, at least not with a lot of discussion. About the only way I could see it is if were were having a discussion about your difficulty with keeping your discipline in mind once you were away, and talking between us about methods you could try to keep you in the right frame of mind. And perhaps then raise the concept of sitting on a pillow as a reminder. Depending on your response, we would either make it a rule, drop it as a possibility, or maybe make it an experiment (e.g., you agree to try it for one day, and then check in with me about how it changed or didn't change your attitude). This is not to say that his approach as an unconditional unilateral order is "wrong"--it all depends on what you have agreed with. I'm just stating my approach to let you know, as an apparent newbie, that there *are* multiple approaches, and you don't have to agree to one you don't like, assuming all doms/disciplinarians/ers are the same.

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