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ukspanko

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What do you consider the biggest challenges facing male spankees are ?

In my case it's my inner balancing of this as both a need for punishment sometimes, as a sexual fetish and a combination of both. I don't feel ashamed of the second anymore ( after many years of therapy I'll add ) but I do sometimes feel frustrated that I can't explain myself. How do others feel and what challenges do you feel or face ?

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Thanks for sharing this, @ukspanko. I imagine a lot of guys deal with these same challenges that you do. The sexual fetish is so natural. Why, otherwise, would adults willingly put themselves through pain like this? Psychology teaches that whatever we choose to engage in, even if it's a quote-unquote "negative" activity or relationship, we do for the payoff. There's always a payoff. It may be easier for men to accept the sexual aspect than it is for women, but I try to be transparent about this because honesty is so important to me, and let's face it, it is what it is.

Your frustration about not being able to explain yourself is normal and so understandable. It's very hard to explain why we are like this, even when we've been studying it from a scientific angle for some time. Psychologists who understand the spanking desire admit that even they don't really understand it. 

Okay, question.... Would you say that men deal with hardship in admitting the need for spanking because submitting to physical punishment goes against society's conditioning that men should be macho, tough, manly, the leader, etc.?

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@chawsee I think for me allowing myself to be put into both the physical and headspace of being a little boy with my pants down over someones knee is a way temporarily of getting away from the pressure to live up to certain masculine standards. Being taken in hand is the most important aspect of a spanking for me.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 11/6/2020 at 12:18 AM, Chawsee said:

Thanks for sharing this, @ukspanko. I imagine a lot of guys deal with these same challenges that you do. The sexual fetish is so natural. Why, otherwise, would adults willingly put themselves through pain like this? Psychology teaches that whatever we choose to engage in, even if it's a quote-unquote "negative" activity or relationship, we do for the payoff. There's always a payoff. It may be easier for men to accept the sexual aspect than it is for women, but I try to be transparent about this because honesty is so important to me, and let's face it, it is what it is.

Your frustration about not being able to explain yourself is normal and so understandable. It's very hard to explain why we are like this, even when we've been studying it from a scientific angle for some time. Psychologists who understand the spanking desire admit that even they don't really understand it. 

Okay, question.... Would you say that men deal with hardship in admitting the need for spanking because submitting to physical punishment goes against society's conditioning that men should be macho, tough, manly, the leader, etc.?

yes, its difficult to admit and often comes with responses that make you want to completely hide forever. My question is, do spankers face the same shame? do they understand the spankees needs? do they care? or is it only their need to dominate that matters? How do spankers view the spankee? Im sure those questions resonate differently to each individual. 

 

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On 11/17/2020 at 8:45 AM, jmalbone said:

yes, its difficult to admit and often comes with responses that make you want to completely hide forever. My question is, do spankers face the same shame? do they understand the spankees needs? do they care? or is it only their need to dominate that matters? How do spankers view the spankee? Im sure those questions resonate differently to each individual. 

What terrific questions. Thank you for speaking up, jmalbone. Yes, spankers do face the same shame. I "came out" to 5 vanilla friends this year, and to say that I don't deal with embarrassment around that would be anything but accurate. One friend, whose boyfriend I've spanked twice now (he's a spanko; she's not), has asked me repeatedly, "Why on earth do you like to spank men's behinds?? That's so weird. I just don't get it." 

Your other questions require a little deeper examination. Do spankers understand the spankees' needs? This varies tremendously. I have been told stories by guys here that they've had spankings where the disciplinarian didn't care at all what they wanted, nor was any effort made to find out. Other disciplinarians go to painstaking lengths to see that their spankee's needs are understood fully and met with care. Disciplinarians are just people, and like people of every race, creed, and culture, you will find both the best and the worst.

There are many excellent disciplinarians. Be sure that the one you choose is of this caliber. If you're in (or near) a reasonably large city, your options expand, of course. Get to know this person in depth before meeting him/her. Ask a LOT of questions. Pay close attention to the answers you get. Their stories, character, and values should remain consistent. If there are inconsistencies, this is a red flag. Ask questions about their spanking style and their use of implements to make sure you're both on the same page. Get at least one up-close photo of them. Ignore how attractive you think he or she is. You won't even think about that once the spanking commences. Make sure they look comfortably normal to you and that they have honest eyes. That old saying is old (and still around) for a reason: The eyes really are the windows to the soul. Always talk on the phone before meeting up. More is uncovered by hearing someone's voice can be detected in PMs and emails. Try to get at least one reference. And very importantly, he/she should be asking what YOU are seeking out of this, what your personal boundaries are, and how you envision the session going. If it's your first session, insist on a safe-word. I'm serious about this. Don't ever fall for the popularly accepted belief that the disciplinarian is in control and you have no say. This is the most dangerous trap you can fall into. The SPANKEE is in charge, always! --at least until you know and fully trust this person. 

And your last two questions: "Do spankers care, or is it only their need to dominate that matters?" Great question! Ask your potential spanker this, straight out. Some will say they discipline because they care and want to help people. This may be absolutely true. It also may be a cover to make themselves sound honorable. Remember to keep monitoring the consistency of their stories. There is definitely an element of sadism that dominates the minds of some spankers. Watch out for this, and make sure that it's within healthy limits. Just so you know, not all spankers enjoy domination. Yes, that is the honest truth. Some spank because they love the connection they feel with another spanko, and they see spanking as the most intimate, bonding experience they can share with another human being.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 11/5/2020 at 10:18 PM, Chawsee said:

Okay, question.... Would you say that men deal with hardship in admitting the need for spanking because submitting to physical punishment goes against society's conditioning that men should be macho, tough, manly, the leader, etc.?

Yes, a male admitting the need for a paddling makes him un-masculine in the eyes of a community or society, and as you mentioned, he is not macho, tough, manly, or a leader in any community. People look down on him, won't trust him for anything, and will ostracize him. That increases his vulnerability and the need for discreetness, and decreases the possibility of getting a paddling. It can be a lonesome burden.

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3 hours ago, ammon said:

Yes, a male admitting the need for a paddling makes him un-masculine in the eyes of a community or society, and as you mentioned, he is not macho, tough, manly, or a leader in any community. People look down on him, won't trust him for anything, and will ostracize him. That increases his vulnerability and the need for discreetness, and decreases the possibility of getting a paddling. It can be a lonesome burden.

Thank you for sharing this, Ammon. I can see how this would indeed make for a very lonesome burden. I wish I could change the expectations that society places on males. It does far more harm than good. Please know that those of us who enjoy spanking wouldn't have you any other way. If it weren't for willing spanko men (God bless you fellas!), we'd be terribly lonely and unfulfilled. 

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11 hours ago, Chawsee said:

Thank you for sharing this, Ammon. I can see how this would indeed make for a very lonesome burden. I wish I could change the expectations that society places on males. It does far more harm than good. Please know that those of us who enjoy spanking wouldn't have you any other way. If it weren't for willing spanko men (God bless you fellas!), we'd be terribly lonely and unfulfilled. 

Thanks much, Miss Chawsee. i might have added that generally, society considers a Woman who paddles men as confident, strong, a leader, desirable, progressive, attractive, and several other positive qualities. i agree with those sentiments. i know You've mentioned an incident not quite as glowing as that, but my impression is that a community attaches no stigma to a Woman who paddles, as they do to a male spankee who yearns for Women (or even men as a last resort!) to paddle him. Instead, a community and society look up to and respect these strong Women. And You know we admire and respect You completely! We offer our gratitude to You, to Your attitudes and understanding, to what You do and offer, to Your contributions here, in person and elsewhere. Thank You for all You do and all You are!

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4 hours ago, ammon said:

Thanks much, Miss Chawsee. i might have added that generally, society considers a Woman who paddles men as confident, strong, a leader, desirable, progressive, attractive, and several other positive qualities. i agree with those sentiments. i know You've mentioned an incident not quite as glowing as that, but my impression is that a community attaches no stigma to a Woman who paddles, as they do to a male spankee who yearns for Women (or even men as a last resort!) to paddle him. Instead, a community and society look up to and respect these strong Women. And You know we admire and respect You completely! We offer our gratitude to You, to Your attitudes and understanding, to what You do and offer, to Your contributions here, in person and elsewhere. Thank You for all You do and all You are!

So true.  In f/m spanking relationships, it’s definitely in the woman’s favor.  That’s why guy subs are so private about this part of ourselves.  The last thing we want is the world knowing we get our butts paddled by a woman. 

What you said about Miss Chawsee is so true too.  I don’t know if you’ve been spanked by her, but you sound like maybe you have?  Ever notice that she generally takes the spankee’s side?  I don’t know if that’s because she’s a switch and knows what it’s like being on the other side of the paddle, or because she’s just good with guys, but I always appreciated this.

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Recently I had a brief series of online therapy sessions with a psychosexual therapist ( I was sexually assaulted as a teenager by a group of women - an experience which affected me deeply and caused me deep shame ). In the process of our work we got onto my spanking fetish and whilst I had discussed it before with previous therapists this was different. Rather than looking at it's roots she helped me to begin to accept enjoying it. The thing I found helpful was how she got me to see it as a multifaceted thing - something that could be both punishment and as a sexual experience. Overall it was the experience of finding someone non-judgemental I could talk to that was liberating.

 

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