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Are ER and ee really just synonyms for dominant and submissive?


Rhageon

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As we all know, spanking is shared by more than a few sub-cultures.  This site is mostly devoted to discipline and mentoring but as we all know, there's also D/s, BDSM, TiH/HoH, etc.  I know from my personal experience many non-spankos assume all of this is really just about dominance and submission (I hate the term alpha) and of course it is, to a degree but I am sure there are some of you who are truly submissive and that goes beyond just being spanked.

It made me wonder though, does every spanker think of themselves as dominant?  I know I am, not because I yell or "take charge" everywhere, I just am.  I have had friends, family and coworkers describe the "energy" I put off and how it can be comforting or scary so I don't believe I am deluding myself about who I am.  However, in my life I would argue some of the best teachers/mentors I have had didn't "out - Dom" me, many didn't even have what I would even casually call a dominant personality.

Please share your thoughts with me, I am interested.

TL:DR  Do all of you who identify as ERs consider yourself dominant in general?  Are there ees who feel they are in general dominant but have made the choice to submit to things for their own greater good?

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No, absolutely not.

Er/ee is not synonymous with any other relationship dynamic or role, it is really its own thing.

Er/Top/Dom/Master and ee/bottom/sub/slave are very different in their connotations and do not have the same kinds of standing behind the name. You can be a spanker/ee and not want general submission. You can be a slave but not touch spanking at all.  You can be a masochist or a dominant but not like bondage. Its all about who you want to be, but drawing paralells between them is difficult.

Each one has their on specialty and focus on what they enjoy, but it is not all inclusive either to just that.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 10/29/2020 at 12:21 PM, Rhageon said:

....Do all of you who identify as ERs consider yourself dominant in general?  Are there ees who feel they are in general dominant but have made the choice to submit to things for their own greater good?

@Spankalogical covered this so well that I'll just answer your last question.

It's fun to examine the difference between leading and being dominant. A person may exemplify one or the other, or both. Some people naturally lead, yet have no need to play the "alpha" card. In other words, they support and guide but don't throw their weight around, nor try to be the individual always in charge. Others make being in charge a mindset. They may even regularly assert their position to stay on top. Ironically, this tends to come from a lack of confidence. Arrogance does not stem from high self-esteem. It actually stems from low self-esteem. 

Many spanko EEs are leaders in their everyday lives. These strong, dependable, capable individuals often make impressive submissives because they are so used to taking care of everything and being in charge all the time that they're relieved to finally hand the reins over to someone else for a little while. Other EEs seem to be gifted with the ability to be humble and submissive as a way of life.

Some ERs are natural leaders. Some are authoritative dominants. Some are both. And sometimes those who feel they have the least power in their everyday lives make up for it by being particularly puissant doms/dommes. 

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I'll add something here. This is not in reference to anything written in the posts above, just a generic spanko side-note:  I don't buy into the "capitalization" rules about dominants and submissives, ie. that HoH (head of household) is always capitalized, while TiH (taken-in-hand, or submissive) is always lower-case. In other words, it's always HOH & tih, and ER & ee. I could laugh myself silly over this rule. Maybe some need it, though, to remember the role they're playing :lol:. Bottoms are every bit as valuable and important as tops. If it weren't for those who agree to take on the submissive role, we tops would have nobody to play with. In my book, it's HoH & TiH and ER & EE. But again, that's just me.... :D

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Chawsee, I agree 100% on the power dynamic when everything is as it should be.  The rest is just the trappings for lack of a better word.  I think my title is misleading people because what I was really hoping to see was if all tops would describe themselfs as assertive/dominant or if some would say, when I am not "being" a top I am not, it's a role.  I definitely have met more than a few bottoms who are very assertive but choose to bottom under a specific set of circumstances.  I really appreciate your input and feedback.  Thank you

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Your question is a good one, @Rhageon, and I'll answer it as best I can. I am definitely a dominant personality in my everyday life. I naturally lead my relationships and in jobs it's not uncommon that I become a team leader or manager. However, my leadership style is subtle, for lack of a better word. I have a friendly rapport with staff and praise their contributions far more than I correct their faults. I enjoy humor and we have a lot of laughs. So dominant, yes, but not domineering. I'm forever studying self-improvement books, as well, so when I spot a trait in myself that I don't like (there have been plenty of these along the way), I work on overcoming it. Does this kind of answer your question? I'd be interested in learning about others here, what their natural styles are.

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@Chawsee Interesting,I would describe myself almost the same. I'm constantly trying to improve, especially my emotional intelligence. I'm often too blunt and honestly without kindness is brutality, or so they tell me. I'm hoping others share like you did. Thanks again

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Absolutely not. Being a spankee has nothing to do with being a submissive. In my opinion, if someone is submissive, that's deeply inbuilt in their character trait and they will be submissive irrespective of the fact whether they are spanked or not spanked. And then, there are some people who achieve a submissive state through spanking. Being submissive opens to a whole new world that might often be unprecedented for someone who identifies as a spankee alone.  And just because someone is submissive during a spanking, that doesn't make them an overall submissive person either. So , No I don't think they are synonyms at all. "Spankee" and "Submissive" are poles apart in their definition and should not be used interchangeably. 

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10 minutes ago, Rhageon said:

@Chawsee Interesting,I would describe myself almost the same. I'm constantly trying to improve, especially my emotional intelligence. I'm often too blunt and honestly without kindness is brutality, or so they tell me. I'm hoping others share like you did. Thanks again

I have deep respect for you constantly trying to improve, especially in emotional intelligence. Bless you for that. I, too, can be blunt. You made a good point, that honesty without kindness is brutality. Beautifully said. I needed to hear that. Thank you!

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16 minutes ago, boy_otk said:

Absolutely not. Being a spankee has nothing to do with being a submissive. In my opinion, if someone is submissive, that's deeply inbuilt in their character trait and they will be submissive irrespective of the fact whether they are spanked or not spanked. And then, there are some people who achieve a submissive state through spanking. Being submissive opens to a whole new world that might often be unprecedented for someone who identifies as a spankee alone.  And just because someone is submissive during a spanking, that doesn't make them an overall submissive person either. So , No I don't think they are synonyms at all. "Spankee" and "Submissive" are poles apart in their definition and should not be used interchangeably. 

I agree well said. I never understood why I have such a hard time with the submitting part. I too have a dominant personality. I too have been told that I have quite the sharp tongue at times. In my mind it’s just honesty yet that comes over as being harsh many times. I have also been told that I can sound as if I’m speaking at you not to you. But what people don’t understand is if I’m saying something at all it’s only cos I care, so why would I be hurtful? 

  However after reading this a lot makes more sense to me now. I mean yes I am the one that sought out the help but no it’s not easy for me to submit to the discipline part even though I agreed to it. Something I still am working on 🙈

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Yes and no. 

A spanking is most definitely a power exchange, and there is definitely a submission element to being a spankee. 

But I think this is where the similarities end.  One does not have to be submissive to be a spankee, nor does one need to be dominant to be a spanker. 

Sitting on the spanker side of being a switch, I am most definitely not "dominant" or "alpha." Nor do I want to be. 

I do find myself taking the lead very naturally though. One of my spankees described me as a "leader" and not a dominant. 

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Personally? I consider myself a spankee because my desires and fantasies--and actual experience when I've tried it--have always been about being spanked and never giving the spanking. That's the way I roll.

But I'm not submissive. I don't want to be dominated in any way, shape, or form. I HATE it if anyone tries to control me. Even when being spanked, I need it to be happening because I want it, and I need it not to feel too much like I'm being forced.

I'm not dominant either, I don't think, although I do have a bossy side. (I'm the oldest in my family. It's a big sister trait.) 

I'd consider myself a situational leader in real life. Sometimes I lead and sometimes I follow. It depends on the situation, the group, and where I feel I fit.

 

 

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I don’t think so. My wife and I make decisions together and treat one another like adults in what is an equal marital relationship.

She spanks me because it is something I want. The spankings aren’t to help control or correct my behaviour. She is the spanker because I asked her to spank me, snd I am the spankee because she is alright meeting this need that I have, and also being spanked is something she would never want. 

When I get my spanking from her, we both agree on a reason to spank me and go from there. The spankings are definitely extremely hard and painful and she will lecture me before spanking me and in between the series of swats, but it’s an activity we do.


It doesn’t translate into any FLR or DD relationship.

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I would say ER/EE is interchangeable with HoH/TiH except that the latter pairing is typically used only for Domestic Discipline relationships.  I would also say during the actual spanking session, the ER or the HoH is in the dominant (top) role while the EE or the TiH is in the submissive (bottom) role.  But once the spanking session is complete, these roles are fluid or could disappear altogether, depending on the dynamic of the couple. 

 @ChawseeI agree with your capitalization formulation on the acronyms, that's the way I type them too!! ;)

 

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