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Life is Tough 😭


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I’m going to talk about something that’s been in my heart. I guess I would just appreciate some feedback of any sort. But really, I just need this off my chest please. I’m not even sure if I’m the right group for this sort of thing 😭 but here I go.
 

So a thing happened in the past. It was a misunderstanding type of thing but it made me decide to end the dynamic between me and my mentor. He was my mentor for 6 months before I started college all the way until my first summer after my first year of college. Then bam, it ended during the summer. Zoom past the ending of such a dynamic by about 3 months. We finally have a decent conversation about it and hash out what all transpired. All ends well, but no more dynamic, (all my decision) just a friendly friendship instead. That’s the back story. 
 

Before we hashed things out, I was back in college for about a month. As summer was coming to an end, I promised myself that my second year was going to be different. I was going to be responsible as hell. And I was doing so well for that first month of August (ie just being able to manage my time well and just myself in general) then everything got super hard, and I started my old ways of putting things off and just altogether not taking care of myself well. 
 

What’s currently come to my mind, is the coincidence of the timing. When we hashed things out, I was still doing very good with myself. Flailing in style, but still being able to push myself to do what I needed. I’m just a little worried that because I’m remaining friends with my old mentor (ie just sending memes and playing videos games) that I’m slowly falling back into my old headspace of desire for structure. Our dynamic wasn’t anything special. I just used to ask permission for everything. He never cared much about things like my schooling. Only about safety with parties and people. That’s one reason why I didn’t want to try the dynamic again. I didn’t want that same old song. Even so, as I’m flailing with my studies, I can’t help but crave for someone to care as much as I do about my behavior with myself.
 

Things that I told myself before this scary overthinking fear thing was that for the first month of college my class was really laid back and there was more time to get things done. (My university isn’t the average school. We have a block system and only take one class per month)  Then the second month‘s class was a little more intense and this current month’s class is super intense. But I can’t help but feel like I’m going crazy. 
 

I don’t understand why I’m falling back into my old patterns of procrastination and I don’t understand why I crave for someone to help in force structure when I was doing so great by myself for that first month, and I don’t understand why my brain is bringing in my old mentor but current friendship into the mix of extra ness in my brain. 
 

I just don’t know how to stop the destructive way in which I’m doing things, and it bothers me that I keep assuming that a spanking would help me in any way. I  am 21 years old. I have a friend who is 20 years old and she is SO good at taking care of herself and her responsibilities. I am so scared because I don’t understand why I am hindering myself in such a way. I know what I have to do, I know what I’m doing is not okay, I know that I’m in college for a reason, and I don’t understand why that isn’t reason enough for me to stop my bullshit antics and get with the program. 
 

I’m a little extremely upset. And I only blame myself of course. It hurts that a part of me is blaming my spanko part of myself. Whenever I am not meeting my personal desires of excellence, all I think about is “maybe a spanking would help” but that’s literally such a pointless thought. I want my mind to be able to just work with my heart, and just fuck! I don’t know what to do. It seems the duh type of answer would be JUST DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO BITCH.
 

But yeah, I rambled a lot but that’s basically what’s all in my mind while I’m about to pull this all nighter for something I put off. I just needed it OUT of my mind. I keep whining and whining about the predicament I put myself in while working on my homework, and it’s pissing me off.
 

Sorry if this sort of thing that I just put down isn’t allowed. I’m sorry if it bothers anyone, but thank you spankingneeds in general for being a place for me to be able to be open and true to myself. Let me know if there was a better place for me to comment such a long little discussion type of weird thing I just did. :)

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There is nothing wrong with this!  And you put it in the right spot, don't worry!  I think you pretty much answered your own questions here...you know what you need to do, and you're doing it !  ;)

So give yourself a break, but keep your eye on the ball, as you've been doing.   :)

 

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18 minutes ago, AfterGeometry said:

There is nothing wrong with this!  And you put it in the right spot, don't worry!  I think you pretty much answered your own questions here...you know what you need to do, and you're doing it !  ;)

So give yourself a break, but keep your eye on the ball, as you've been doing.   :)

 

Thanks peep for a little fear alleviation. My chest is still heavy with my self disappointment. But yeah, in the end I’ll do what I’ll do and what happens will happen no matter how I feel.

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You’re beating yourself up more than you need to. 
 

Within your post you acknowledge that somewhere in you the inner strength is there. 
 

Drop me a PM. You’re too far away for me to be giving you a good spanking but that doesn’t mean we can’t figure ways to improve your studies. 

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I understand the frustration. I frequently know what I should do but when I go to do it, I get overwhelmed and paralyzed. I don't understand why I can't seem to do what I know needs to be done. 

The good thing is, it looks like you also possess the motivation to kick yourself into motion. That's a very good thing. Hang on to that and celebrate the successes. Forgive yourself when you don't quite live up to your own expectations. (I know it's hard)

Hang in there. You're young but you've got this. You at least have the wherewithal to understand what's going on with you. That will help too. 

You've got this!

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  • 1 month later...

Some sage advice that helps me from the the first woman of Indian origin to go to space: "The path from dreams to success does exist. May you have the vision to find it, the courage to get on to it, and the perseverance to follow it." - Kalpana Chawla

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Everyone's different. Not all of us can provide ourselves with the structure we need. Maybe you're someone who just needs external structure.

That may or may not mean spanking. For me, spanking doesn't work in that way (I'm into it for eroticism, not discipline), but it helps to have other people present and expecting me to show up and do something. That gives me some external structure.

If you have to do a lot of work on your own, maybe setting up a shadow double arrangement would help? That is, you would have a standing date with someone to sit together and get your work done. They wouldn't have to be doing the same thing as you, necessarily, just have something of their own to get done. If meeting in person is out of the question right now, it could be done remotely. The important thing is that you have a time when you have to be doing this thing, and it's not just you telling yourself that.

If you crave stronger discipline than that, maybe you need a new mentor who is willing to address your schoolwork.

Another thing: do you identify with ADD/ADHD (whether or not you've ever had or sought a diagnosis of it)? That pattern of doing fine on your own for maybe a month and then slipping back and not being able to give yourself structure is very common for those of us who are neurodivergent in that way. 

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