Jump to content
paddlemepls

Ethics of Seeking Spankings Outside of Marriage

Recommended Posts

What is your feeling regarding the ethics of seeking spanking outside the relationship? When the partner is aware of one's needs--perhaps even formerly (and enthusiastically) indulged them, but now rarely does so? Complicating is the fact that partner would not approve of such activity, even if no sexual contact were involved.  

The drive is there, but unfulfilled.

Share this post


Link to post

That's tough, believe me I know. Have you tried talking to her about getting spanked outside the marriage? You may be surprised...

If she says no, then only you can decide. Personally, I do think it would be unethical but I'm sure as heck not going to sit in judgment. After all, you're the one that has to live with your decision. All I can say is, good luck and I hope you can do this with your wife's blessing.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

I have been in this situation for the better part of 15 years. Personally I have no qualms about doing it, partially because of the circumstances that led to the current state of things, but mostly because the alternative is getting a divorce because of it and breaking up my family, which to me would be much worse for everyone involved. However, I have had increasing difficulty over the past five years or so with finding a willing partner that sees the situation the way I do. 
 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

I wouldn’t do this. I’d feel it was unethical/ unfaithful. I’m an atheist so this isn’t coming from a religious perspective it’s just it doesn’t seem in keeping with the commitment I made. Of course your situation may be different. Have you considered couples counselling or a same sex spanking pairing? If she’s done this with you before there is the possibility that she’s seen you aroused at the thought of being spanked and doesn’t want you to share that intimacy with another woman. 

Share this post


Link to post

It's unethical from my point of view. There are probably some rare examples out there that fall into grey areas--the person with the spouse in the decades-long coma, for example--but usually those are just rhetorical. I've never met somebody whose partner has been in a decades-long coma in real life, but I've met quite a few who lied to their partners for the same reason we lie about sneaking into the cookie jar as kids: we want what we want, but we don't want to pay the consequences for it. 

Like Adek, my problem with it isn't based on religious principle. I see it as stealing the in-the-dark partner's right to self-determination and even their time, the most valuable nonrenewable resource anyone has. Relationships should be consensual, and there is no valid consent without honesty so that decisions to stay or go are fully informed. When that line is crossed (the hiding of the infidelity, not even necessarily the initial infidelity itself), the relationship becomes a sham from that point forward until and unless it comes out into the open. 

If you take deception away from the equation, it's no longer cheating, so I would have the heart-to-hearts, make my needs known in no uncertain terms, and ask for permission to meet those needs outside of the relationship with rules in place to protect the relationship. If denied, I'd either deal...or if I couldn't, eventually go from asking to informing, which would leave room for my partner to come to terms with it or leave. Either way, I'd have at least tried my best to keep the relationship while respecting their right to make an informed choice.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

I appreciate the perspectives, sympathy, and advice, so far; hopefully others will comment as well.  In principle, i agree that openness and honesty are the "right" course; indeed, i thought i had this covered when i confessed my needs during our two year courtship, and she not only accepted, but seemingly embraced my kink.  We have been married 13 years now, and our sex life in general has declined (I suppose in part a natural consequence of age), and kink is almost nonexistent. 

As for a direct conversation about seeking either kink or sex on the outside, we have discussed this conceptually (with examples within our acquaintance); and she has let me know in no uncertain terms that the result would be divorce--which is unacceptable to me.

So, as no (karat) angel has advised, I suppose i am left to "deal".  I suppose the greatest sin my conscience will allow me is covert online play--and frankly, she doesn't approve of that, either, with the same consequence.

  • Sad 1

Share this post


Link to post

What a difficult situation, paddlemepls. I'm so sorry you're in it. I know that real life is rarely as black and white as a discussion like this. I have dear friends in similar circumstances, and my heart goes out to them because I've been there and know that pain lies either way. My values are only my own, and there are plenty of other conflicting principles, like do no harm, that others may value higher than honesty or autonomy.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

Would it still be cheating if your spouse watches? My issue is my husband knows I need this but he doesn't have it in him to do it himself but said hed go with me to make sure im safe

Share this post


Link to post
12 hours ago, Maureen said:

Would it still be cheating if your spouse watches? My issue is my husband knows I need this but he doesn't have it in him to do it himself but said hed go with me to make sure im safe

Not at all, Maureen, in my opinion. The essence of cheating is that you're doing something behind your partner's back, and you would not be. Kudos to you for talking to him about it, and also to him for being open-minded enough to help you satisfy your need.

Share this post


Link to post
On 10/12/2020 at 9:36 PM, Maureen said:

Would it still be cheating if your spouse watches? My issue is my husband knows I need this but he doesn't have it in him to do it himself but said hed go with me to make sure im safe

I do not think it is cheating if the spouse is aware that the spanking is going to take place and approves of it, whether or not the spouse wishes to be there in person at the time the spanking is given. Spankings are not sexual unless the people involved choose to make it that way.  It's possible to have a strictly disciplinary spanking given by someone outside the relationship with the consent and agreement of everyone involved. 

Share this post


Link to post

If the partner doesn’t approve I’d say it’s wrong. If they don’t want you to do it and won’t satisfy you themselves you’re probably with the wrong person.

Share this post


Link to post
On 10/12/2020 at 9:36 PM, Maureen said:

Would it still be cheating if your spouse watches? My issue is my husband knows I need this but he doesn't have it in him to do it himself but said hed go with me to make sure im safe

Definitely not cheating in this scenario.

Share this post


Link to post

I am a non-monogamist... but I would still say this is a hard no if the partner doesn't approve. Even in poly / non-monogamous relationships, it's still considered cheating if it's done without consent of the partner. And consent must be enthusiastic, not grudging. 

I know it's not the answer you want but unfortunately I believe your ethical choices are to choose between not meeting that need, or being honest and breaking up with your partner (at which point you would be 'free' to seek meeting that need elsewhere). 

Unless you believe you can talk to her and come to some sort of compromise. To me it does sound a little unnecessarily harsh, and also has a lack of understanding about your needs in this area. Nevertheless, it would still not make it ok to go behind her back. Whatever you do needs to be in the open. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

Little in this world is more challenging than making a relationship work.  Each couple has to figure out what works for them.  I've spanked many dozens of married women and a few non-married in monogamous relationships...  never sex involved, never romance involved.  Life is a series of compromises, and what works for each couple is what works for them.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

I categorize spanking activity in the same bucket as sexual activity.  So, if my wife and I were not in sync for spanking, it would be not different than if we were having problems in the sex department.  So, I would not go outside the marriage for a spanking any more than I would go outside the marriage for sex.  If my wife and I became sexually incompatible for whatever reason, I would have to make up my mind to just live with it, or we would break up and find more compatible partners.  

Just to be clear, I'm not speaking for anybody but me.  My sister-in-law (wife's sister) and her husband are swingers.  I don't judge them.  Different strokes for different folks.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...