Jump to content
Create New...

Ethics of Seeking Spankings Outside of Marriage


paddlemepls

Recommended Posts

What is your feeling regarding the ethics of seeking spanking outside the relationship? When the partner is aware of one's needs--perhaps even formerly (and enthusiastically) indulged them, but now rarely does so? Complicating is the fact that partner would not approve of such activity, even if no sexual contact were involved.  

The drive is there, but unfulfilled.

Link to comment

That's tough, believe me I know. Have you tried talking to her about getting spanked outside the marriage? You may be surprised...

If she says no, then only you can decide. Personally, I do think it would be unethical but I'm sure as heck not going to sit in judgment. After all, you're the one that has to live with your decision. All I can say is, good luck and I hope you can do this with your wife's blessing.

  • Like 3
Link to comment

I have been in this situation for the better part of 15 years. Personally I have no qualms about doing it, partially because of the circumstances that led to the current state of things, but mostly because the alternative is getting a divorce because of it and breaking up my family, which to me would be much worse for everyone involved. However, I have had increasing difficulty over the past five years or so with finding a willing partner that sees the situation the way I do. 
 

  • Like 5
  • Thanks 2
Link to comment

I wouldn’t do this. I’d feel it was unethical/ unfaithful. I’m an atheist so this isn’t coming from a religious perspective it’s just it doesn’t seem in keeping with the commitment I made. Of course your situation may be different. Have you considered couples counselling or a same sex spanking pairing? If she’s done this with you before there is the possibility that she’s seen you aroused at the thought of being spanked and doesn’t want you to share that intimacy with another woman. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment

It's unethical from my point of view. There are probably some rare examples out there that fall into grey areas--the person with the spouse in the decades-long coma, for example--but usually those are just rhetorical. I've never met somebody whose partner has been in a decades-long coma in real life, but I've met quite a few who lied to their partners for the same reason we lie about sneaking into the cookie jar as kids: we want what we want, but we don't want to pay the consequences for it. 

Like Adek, my problem with it isn't based on religious principle. I see it as stealing the in-the-dark partner's right to self-determination and even their time, the most valuable nonrenewable resource anyone has. Relationships should be consensual, and there is no valid consent without honesty so that decisions to stay or go are fully informed. When that line is crossed (the hiding of the infidelity, not even necessarily the initial infidelity itself), the relationship becomes a sham from that point forward until and unless it comes out into the open. 

If you take deception away from the equation, it's no longer cheating, so I would have the heart-to-hearts, make my needs known in no uncertain terms, and ask for permission to meet those needs outside of the relationship with rules in place to protect the relationship. If denied, I'd either deal...or if I couldn't, eventually go from asking to informing, which would leave room for my partner to come to terms with it or leave. Either way, I'd have at least tried my best to keep the relationship while respecting their right to make an informed choice.

  • Like 8
Link to comment

I appreciate the perspectives, sympathy, and advice, so far; hopefully others will comment as well.  In principle, i agree that openness and honesty are the "right" course; indeed, i thought i had this covered when i confessed my needs during our two year courtship, and she not only accepted, but seemingly embraced my kink.  We have been married 13 years now, and our sex life in general has declined (I suppose in part a natural consequence of age), and kink is almost nonexistent. 

As for a direct conversation about seeking either kink or sex on the outside, we have discussed this conceptually (with examples within our acquaintance); and she has let me know in no uncertain terms that the result would be divorce--which is unacceptable to me.

So, as no (karat) angel has advised, I suppose i am left to "deal".  I suppose the greatest sin my conscience will allow me is covert online play--and frankly, she doesn't approve of that, either, with the same consequence.

  • Sad 2
Link to comment

What a difficult situation, paddlemepls. I'm so sorry you're in it. I know that real life is rarely as black and white as a discussion like this. I have dear friends in similar circumstances, and my heart goes out to them because I've been there and know that pain lies either way. My values are only my own, and there are plenty of other conflicting principles, like do no harm, that others may value higher than honesty or autonomy.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...
12 hours ago, Maureen said:

Would it still be cheating if your spouse watches? My issue is my husband knows I need this but he doesn't have it in him to do it himself but said hed go with me to make sure im safe

Not at all, Maureen, in my opinion. The essence of cheating is that you're doing something behind your partner's back, and you would not be. Kudos to you for talking to him about it, and also to him for being open-minded enough to help you satisfy your need.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
On 10/12/2020 at 9:36 PM, Maureen said:

Would it still be cheating if your spouse watches? My issue is my husband knows I need this but he doesn't have it in him to do it himself but said hed go with me to make sure im safe

I do not think it is cheating if the spouse is aware that the spanking is going to take place and approves of it, whether or not the spouse wishes to be there in person at the time the spanking is given. Spankings are not sexual unless the people involved choose to make it that way.  It's possible to have a strictly disciplinary spanking given by someone outside the relationship with the consent and agreement of everyone involved. 

Link to comment
On 10/12/2020 at 9:36 PM, Maureen said:

Would it still be cheating if your spouse watches? My issue is my husband knows I need this but he doesn't have it in him to do it himself but said hed go with me to make sure im safe

Definitely not cheating in this scenario.

Link to comment

I am a non-monogamist... but I would still say this is a hard no if the partner doesn't approve. Even in poly / non-monogamous relationships, it's still considered cheating if it's done without consent of the partner. And consent must be enthusiastic, not grudging. 

I know it's not the answer you want but unfortunately I believe your ethical choices are to choose between not meeting that need, or being honest and breaking up with your partner (at which point you would be 'free' to seek meeting that need elsewhere). 

Unless you believe you can talk to her and come to some sort of compromise. To me it does sound a little unnecessarily harsh, and also has a lack of understanding about your needs in this area. Nevertheless, it would still not make it ok to go behind her back. Whatever you do needs to be in the open. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment

Little in this world is more challenging than making a relationship work.  Each couple has to figure out what works for them.  I've spanked many dozens of married women and a few non-married in monogamous relationships...  never sex involved, never romance involved.  Life is a series of compromises, and what works for each couple is what works for them.

  • Like 1
Link to comment

I categorize spanking activity in the same bucket as sexual activity.  So, if my wife and I were not in sync for spanking, it would be not different than if we were having problems in the sex department.  So, I would not go outside the marriage for a spanking any more than I would go outside the marriage for sex.  If my wife and I became sexually incompatible for whatever reason, I would have to make up my mind to just live with it, or we would break up and find more compatible partners.  

Just to be clear, I'm not speaking for anybody but me.  My sister-in-law (wife's sister) and her husband are swingers.  I don't judge them.  Different strokes for different folks.

 

 

  • Like 3
Link to comment

I was in a very similar situation, and the key to me is that in both our cases the wives entered the relationship knowing about the spanking craving and being willing to satisfy it -- and then changed their minds. I met my wife on a site for spanking singles, and I was very clear that I was only seeking a woman who was into spanking. She agreed to my prerequisites and said she shared them ... and then a few years later changed her mind. To me, SHE violated our marriage contract by doing that. I subsequently went outside the marriage to fulfill my kink. While I did not feel fully justified in doing so (two wrongs don't make a right), and while I know everyone has a right to change their mind, I felt much less guilty about going outside the marriage because she reneged on her premarital promises. That and many other reasons led to our demise.

tony

  • Like 1
Link to comment
8 hours ago, IndySpanko said:

I was in a very similar situation, and the key to me is that in both our cases the wives entered the relationship knowing about the spanking craving and being willing to satisfy it -- and then changed their minds. I met my wife on a site for spanking singles, and I was very clear that I was only seeking a woman who was into spanking. She agreed to my prerequisites and said she shared them ... and then a few years later changed her mind. To me, SHE violated our marriage contract by doing that. I subsequently went outside the marriage to fulfill my kink. While I did not feel fully justified in doing so (two wrongs don't make a right), and while I know everyone has a right to change their mind, I felt much less guilty about going outside the marriage because she reneged on her premarital promises. That and many other reasons led to our demise.

tony

For what it's worth, I think the marital relationship, as much as any other, requires that the parties to the arrangement stay true to their word.  I hate to say it, but I think that many folks getting married make promises they have no intention of keeping.  If your spouse ever puts you in this position, you have to ask yourself whether you made a fundamental mistake hooking up in the first place.  Always keep your guard up, even with respect to your spouse.  Sorry to say, but love does not conquer all.  Things worked out great for me in my marriage, but I am always thankful that it turned out this way.  
 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

This is such a tough one. As I've shared previously, my ex-husband became a successful switch. He wasn't dyed-in-the-wool like we genuine spankos are, but he did enjoy playing once he learned how arousing it could be. In the years that followed my return to Montana and our divorce, I had two boyfriends, both of whom would admit that they did not share my spanking interest. These relationships would not have worked for me, since spanking is interwoven into my sexuality.

I'm not one who would feel comfortable meeting my spanking need outside of my marriage, even with a strictly platonic partner. I really want a life partner who is my spanking partner, because of the intimacy that can come from this bond. But I've been single for a long time, so I did take up (platonically) spanking outside men in order to be involved in the lifestyle again.

I know the frustration that many spanko husbands contend with when married to vanilla spouses. More married men contact me to at least discuss their spanking needs and challenges, than do single men. This speaks volumes. While I have not yet spanked a married man, I kind of feel that I would rather see a husband go outside of his marriage to meet this need than end a good relationship with the woman he loves because he can't get this need met.

Then again, this is my limited perspective from where I stand today. Next year and with greater experience under my belt, perhaps I will see things differently.

  • Like 8
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
On 9/24/2020 at 11:34 PM, paddlemepls said:

I appreciate the perspectives, sympathy, and advice, so far; hopefully others will comment as well.  In principle, i agree that openness and honesty are the "right" course; indeed, i thought i had this covered when i confessed my needs during our two year courtship, and she not only accepted, but seemingly embraced my kink.  We have been married 13 years now, and our sex life in general has declined (I suppose in part a natural consequence of age), and kink is almost nonexistent. 

As for a direct conversation about seeking either kink or sex on the outside, we have discussed this conceptually (with examples within our acquaintance); and she has let me know in no uncertain terms that the result would be divorce--which is unacceptable to me.

So, as no (karat) angel has advised, I suppose i am left to "deal".  I suppose the greatest sin my conscience will allow me is covert online play--and frankly, she doesn't approve of that, either, with the same consequence.

paddlemepls, you certainly are in a very difficult situation. Since she initially embraced your desire for spanking and now seemingly has made a 100% turnaround, I'm wondering her reasoning. Has she given you her thoughts or mentioned any situations or experiences that have driven her to this? Does she acknowledge initially embracing your desire and now having a change in outlook? Any abuse in her, family or friends past? Keep being open and honest with your feelings. Best wishes to you.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
On 11/11/2020 at 10:35 PM, Chawsee said:

I kind of feel that I would rather see a husband go outside of his marriage to meet this need than end a good relationship with the woman he loves because he can't get this need met.

I'm inclined to agree here, at least in some cases. Of course, every relationship is different, and I don't think one can make general decisions that apply in all cases. For example, one could argue in some cases that it isn't actually a good relationship if they can't mutually come to an agreement about how to meet his needs. In other cases, though, if this is really the only issue between them, going outside of the marriage may be exactly what they need.

I actually went through something like this some years back. At the time, I was available as a disciplinarian, and I was approached by a woman who wanted discipline. When I discovered that she was in a serious relationship, and was doing this without his knowledge, I was very reluctant to pursue things. We continued talking, however, and she eventually convinced me that it made sense. The interesting aspect was that the issues she wanted help working on were actually related to her relationship--she had some behaviors that were really harmful to the relationship. The upshot was that, even though I was still a little uncomfortable with the situation, I agreed to try. I turned out to be a very productive arrangement. I was able to help her concretely describe her particular problematic behaviors, and set up rules against them. With my support, her hard work, and the added incentive of a combination of maintenance and punishment spankings, she was able to greatly improve her behaviors, and it did wonders for her relationship. Regrettably, my own circumstances changed and I was not able to continue the arrangement, but things had improved enough by then that the relationship was no longer in danger. The upshot is that, although her significant other never knew about it, and wouldn't have approved, I think the reality is that going outside her relationship was the only thing that saved that relationship. I was proud of both of us for how we had addressed the problem, and I was happy to have been able to assist her. But, even knowing how it worked out, I still have some qualms as a general matter with people going outside relationships. Go figure.

  • Like 2
Link to comment

I am in this situation for 12 years.  I love my wife dearly but she just won't bend or compromise her pentecostal upbringing that spanking is a sin.  I on the other hand have been having the urge to be spanked naked and enjoy the warm red hot warm burning feeling after a good naked bottom cherry red spanking. I just can't get away from it the more I spank myself the more I want to find a good spanking partner in Tampa Bay Florida!!!

  • Like 2
Link to comment
23 hours ago, Spankmered57 said:

I am in this situation for 12 years.  I love my wife dearly but she just won't bend or compromise her pentecostal upbringing that spanking is a sin.  I on the other hand have been having the urge to be spanked naked and enjoy the warm red hot warm burning feeling after a good naked bottom cherry red spanking. I just can't get away from it the more I spank myself the more I want to find a good spanking partner in Tampa Bay Florida!!!

I think she is using her faith as an excuse, I spent some time in penticostal circles and never found any one against spanking. The Bible in fact encourages spanking for wisdom and direction. I too am a Christian and find nothing but feelings of joy after being spanked well. As your spouse, she should be willing to fulfill your needs. Ephesians 5:21  commands husbands and wives to submit to one another in respect for God. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment

Certainly is an area to be explored only after solid soul searching.

My POV, boils down to communication, which is what I have found to be the core item in a relationship/marriage/partnership.

•. Start the conversation after you have reached the point where you are prepared for your partner’s response.  Allow the conversation to focus your actions to the multiple and credible suggestions which have been shared by other members.

• Be honest with both yourself and your mate

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Write what you are looking for and press enter or click the search icon to begin your search