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Can vanillas be converted?


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Since I joined this site about two weeks ago, I have received suggestions on what to do as a spanko in a vanilla relationship.

This begs the question:

Can vanillas be converted to this lifestyle (even partially)? Some have said that it's unlikely. Others have said that they, themselves, have converted wives and girlfriends over. 

What are your thoughts on this matter?

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This is certainly not a "Yes" or "No" question. Some vanillas are more open to experimenting with different activities than others. It purely depends on what kind of individual one person is, how open they are, and to what extent are they willing to go in order to satisfy their partner's needs. It's never a 100% guarantee that you may or may not be able to convert someone. Even if you do, what are the chances that they won't wake up one day and figure" Well, I am done with that"? It's different for people with innate spanking needs and it is a whole other world for someone who is introduced to it later on and only engage in it to satisfy their partner's needs. 

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In my case I knew I was a spanko when I was five years old! I didn't understand the feeling until I was much older.  Over the years I have spanked and been spanked by both males and females.I prefer females but its so hard to arrange. THEY WERE ALL SPANKOS before we met. I did introduce spanking to one girl friend. I created a monster she could not get enough!

My wife is the definition of vanilla I have tried to convert her for over twenty years, with no luck. I understand why she will not accept a spanking. but why she has a problem spanking ME I don't understand! She has spanked me a few times never hard or long enough. The comments and stink face when I ask are just not worth the bother anymore. I just don't ask. Its why I come here!

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I don't think true vanillas can be converted, just like I don't think true spankos can be converted. I agree with boy_otk that some might be more open to experimenting. Some might even enjoy it to a degree, but if they aren't a spanko, they still won't have that same deep connection with it as we do. If someone is vanilla, they can't change that any more than we can change that we're spankos. 

Not to say I don't think those relationships can work. I think they can. It is just going to take understanding and compromise on both sides to find a way where both can be fulfilled while maintaining acceptance and respect for the others' identity. I don't think either should feel forced or coerced into taking on a role or identity that isn't who they are, but both should be willing to figure out ways that the other can have their needs met in some way. But I think with these things, we are who we are. A vanilla might be willing to engage, and might even like it. But it will always be just a recreational activity. It will never be a part of who they are. I don't think a true hardwired vanilla or spanko can be converted.

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  • 2 weeks later...

In terms of "converted" I agree with what's been said already. 

However, I do think its possible for a vanilla to be able to meet your needs and I have seen a small number of success stories of this.

From a discipline perspective, I'd say its much more likely to happen if you're a spankee, whilst you may not be able to convince someone to take a punishment spanking, getting a partner to spank you is much more possible with a LOT of time and effort (depending on the person). 

I did once manage to get a vanilla girlfriend to let me spank her, but this was purely recreational. She asked me to punish her once, but I didn't feel comfortable doing so at the time.

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More often than not I do not think it's possible for a vanilla to truly understand the desire/need/kink/whatever.  Some are capable of providing a satisfying experience some are not.  Most male spankees I have chatted with have not had very much luck converting their spouses.  A few have. I think female EEs have a slightly better chance of success but still I think the true success stories are few and far between.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Tastes and preferences can change over time, be encouraged or even molded.  I agree that there are vanillas that are truly VANILLA.  But I think there is a little bit of spanko lurking in the majority of folks, and under the right circumstances, whatever that level of interest is can be developed and nurtured.  We are creatures both of nature and of our nurture.  Popeye may have said "I yam what I yam" but that's not incompatible with saying "I yam not what I was".

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  • 2 months later...

Reading Aunt Kay’s DWC got me interested in the DD aspect of spanking. I think of it as a spanking fetish that has benefits of merging with my life goals. Almost every story is of a vanilla wife who has been converted. I’m sure some stories are to be taken with a pinch of salt but many sound like vanilla converts. I suppose the difference is that the disciplinary wives club answers the question “what’s in it for me?”

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On 9/14/2020 at 5:51 AM, VanillaProblems said:

Since I joined this site about two weeks ago, I have received suggestions on what to do as a spanko in a vanilla relationship.

This begs the question:

Can vanillas be converted to this lifestyle (even partially)? Some have said that it's unlikely. Others have said that they, themselves, have converted wives and girlfriends over. 

What are your thoughts on this matter?

I would recommend that you define “convert”.

My wife doesn’t get a sexual thrill out of spanking and it isn’t something that is as important for her or any level as it is for me.
 

However she knows it is crucial for me, and she spanks me. She definitely gives out super hard and intense ones, in multiple sessions that involves scolding, anticipation between sessions, various implements applied in various positions and on various parts of the butt to make it as painful as possible. She is an excellent spanker and is one of the very many reasons I love her so much and her agreeing to do this has I think really helped our marriage... which wasn’t at all bad before but it definitely is even better now than it previously was in our affection for one another.

Has she been “converted”? I have no idea. Probably not, though.

She has said that she is as fine giving me spankings as she is not giving them... and that is totally fine by me. It’s something she does because it’s extremely special to me and perhaps even part of my sexuality. I may be one of these people that Jillian Keenan describes as having a spanking orientation. I can’t release during vanilla sex without fantasizing spanking. 
 

My goal isn’t to convert her. I am really grateful that she is willing to do this for me, and does it for me. Whether she converted or not lol I don’t know. She is no less an amazing person and an amazing spanker though :)

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The idea of asking someone who loves us to try something is okay...but in my mind "converting" someone really bothers me.  So many of us spent huge parts of our lives trying to "convert" ourselves to vanilla people. Or others (spouse, significant other) tried. It sucked. It was agony. Why would we put someone we love through that?

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Many years ago I asked my vanilla boyfriend to spank me - or implied it, really. He was happy to do it. I don't think he continued on with spanking after we broke up. Same with boyfriend #2. I have talked to him in recent months and he loved spanking me. But, he never tried it with anyone else. I do not think either man is really a spanko - even though both enjoyed it. 

I tried dating other vanillas between then (high school) and getting married, but it just didn't work. I think that if someone is willing to try it and enjoys it, then that is awesome! I don't think the issue should be forced and I don't really believe in conversion. I tend to believe that spankos are born this way, that our desires are innate - and that vanillas can enjoy spanking, but that they will likely never enjoy it to the same level. And if a vanilla is converted, maybe s/he wasn't really a vanilla to begin with.

I stopped dating vanillas completely in 2002 or 2003 - because I knew it would never work out. I need and want spanking in my life; it is central to who I am and is the focal point of my sexuality. 

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34 minutes ago, rubyredd said:

Many years ago I asked my vanilla boyfriend to spank me - or implied it, really. He was happy to do it. I don't think he continued on with spanking after we broke up. Same with boyfriend #2. I have talked to him in recent months and he loved spanking me. But, he never tried it with anyone else. I do not think either man is really a spanko - even though both enjoyed it. 

I tried dating other vanillas between then (high school) and getting married, but it just didn't work. I think that if someone is willing to try it and enjoys it, then that is awesome! I don't think the issue should be forced and I don't really believe in conversion. I tend to believe that spankos are born this way, that our desires are innate - and that vanillas can enjoy spanking, but that they will likely never enjoy it to the same level. And if a vanilla is converted, maybe s/he wasn't really a vanilla to begin with.

I stopped dating vanillas completely in 2002 or 2003 - because I knew it would never work out. I need and want spanking in my life; it is central to who I am and is the focal point of my sexuality. 

You've said it all, rubyredd.  You can live with vanillas but not 'convert" them.  If a woman has the need to be spanked --as you do-- it has to be done by someone who believes in your need and can discipline with that need in mind.

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  • 1 year later...

This is an old topic, but definitely important. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 10 years. We are very happy and have a very fulfilling sex life, but I’m a HARD wired spankee, and he had never had a thought about it before he met me. Every time we tried DD was a disaster, everytime I brought up spanking it was met with sexual play. We saw a sex-positive therapist about it, and it helped with explaining my needs and how important I feel it is to me, even if he doesn’t see any benefit beyond improving our sex life. Now he indulges me often playfully but it will probably never be exactly what I want. 
 

so convert? No. But do I think you can find a partner willing to make you happy? Sure!

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  • 8 months later...

From reading the literature on the topic, it sounds like there are lots of folks that are interested in spanking to varying degrees.  A sizable fraction of the population, so it's a huge number in fact.  I remember from many years ago when I was dating, a lot of gals were up for a sexy playful spanking, but the question was always how far they wanted to go, and how that interest might grow with time and practice. 

I believe that a spanking fetish is hard-wired to some extent, but I don't subscribe to the notion of a strict spanko vs. vanilla dichotomy, nor to the notion that people can't change and develop.  My wife is way more of a spanko than when we first met.  And actually, me too as well.  So, like a lot of other things in life, if there is potential to cultivate and develop that interest, I would say it's worth a try.  Not to mention, there are lots of things to try before you give up.

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My wife and I came to our relationship with different kinks, some overlapping to a degree. We've learned or discovered things we might never have thought to be exciting. And then some things never clicked for both of us. I don't know if that means it was all predestined by our DNA or what, but it does mean that you don't always know until you try.

 

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The answer is yes in some cases, but certainly not always. I know people who thought they were vanilla until they watched 50 Shades and now they are hooked. But, to try to take someone who has zero interest and "convert" them is a losing proposition nearly 100% of the time. Even if someone wants to do it for you, if their heart isn't in it they are just going through the motions and it won't last long.

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I've been married 3 times, each was a vanilla. The first didn't know about my fetish until we'd been married many years. After a lot of talk and pleading, she finally agreed to spank me. One a month, in the evening, I'd lay across her lap. I'd apply a good layer of baby oil to her inner thighs and slide my penis between them. She'd spank me until I had an orgasm. That lasted for about 6 months then she told me she was attending a group for the spouse of sex addict and they told her she was enabling me and should stop. About a year later we divorced. 

I told my second wife about my spanking needs on our 3rd date. She said she was OK with it. After about a year of very rare spanking she finally confessed that spanking me brought back painful memories of her mother spanking her as a child. And because of that, she couldn't spank me any more. 

I'm currently married to my 3rd wife. After many, many years of asking, we finally came to an agreement. I'd clean the cat's litter boxes, we have 5 cats, in exchange for a spanking every day. I'd lay over her lap and she'd set a timer for 5 minutes. She'd give me a very satisficing spanking followed by warm hugs. She was willing but reluctant. Unfortunate, after about a month of this, she had to have surgery on her eye and the spanking stopped. It's been about 2 months since her surgery and her, hopefully, final visit to her surgeon Is this week. I'm hoping the spankings will continue after that appointment.

So, bottom line is all vanillas are not created equal. Some can accept that it's something you need and loves you enough to give it to you. Some are repulsed by the idea of "hitting" someone and will never cooperate. And some will try but find something that get in the way.

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As others in this thread have already shared, vanillas can be willing to delve into the lifestyle in varying degrees. A few times I have pointed to the respected spanker Mrs. Crystal, who was introduced to spanking by her boyfriend-turned-husband, Steven. (Sadly, they are now divorced.) She was an impressive HoH. But how she truly felt/feels about spanking I cannot say. Is it a need that she must fulfill? Or a role she adapted to in order to meet her husband's spanking need? Or, was the desire always there, just dormant? 

My own experience is limited, but I do have some in this area. As many folks here already know, my former husband was vanilla. Yet he learned to play along with me, and he was definitely aroused by spanking me. But did he crave it like I did? Not even close. He enjoyed it while he was doing it, but it was an activity that he could just as easily skip. 

I also have a vanilla friend who has tried and tried to embrace spanking for her spanko boyfriend. One day it will seem like she's completely on-board, only to have her call me three days later and say, "I just don't get it. Why on earth does he want to be spanked?" So in my (again, limited) observation, a vanilla can agree to join us in our activity. But playing along with us is not the same as being hard-wired for it. 

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