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VanillaProblems

Newly accepted spanko in a difficult dilemma

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Hello all. I recently discovered this site. I have been interested spanking for most of my life, but finally accepted it at age 39, which is a little late in the game. 

I was more active with both giving and receiving throughout my 20s and early 30s, but I had a complex about it that put me in a difficult situation today. Even though I got into it, I also thought it was weird and I maybe had some kind of mental illness for being into it. 

Nobody ever knew about it and I always kept it to myself. I got into a vanilla relationship of 8 years and we now own a house and have two kids. The only problem is, my insterest in spanking never went away. I brought it up to her once and thought it was weird and said she is not into it all. 

So I have this interest in it that flares up sometimes and bugs the hell out of me, even makes me irritable. I've always wanted to have some kind of friend or platonic partner to get into spanking with, but don't want to ruin my family. 

I signed up for this site a few days ago while I was in the middle of a flare up of my spanking interest (which now seems to be happening every week). I'm hoping to find ways to minimize this or even erradicate it.

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Welcome to the site! I am sure you will find what you are looking for here! I hope so!

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Your amongst like minded people here. Welcome. 

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Welcome to the site!!

I have found that if you're wired to spanking there is no way to make it go away. It always comes back. It can be a deep part of who and what we are.

Maybe being here, getting to know some people and reading the forums will help fulfill your need. You are among like minded folks. There are others here in similar situations.

Have you talked to her about a platonic spanking relationship with someone else? I know for some it's a flat no. They think of it as sexual and cheating. I've known others where the partner has been ok with it as long as there was no sex involved.

If it would help you can look up articles online for her to read. She won't be into it, but might better understand your interest and desires.

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I am in the same situation married for 13 years but have a deep hidden desire to be spanked hard.  I do self spank when I can but I desire to take it to the next level.  I am also looking for a Potomac relationship that will meet my spanking needs

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1 hour ago, shygurl said:

Welcome to the site!!

I have found that if you're wired to spanking there is no way to make it go away. It always comes back. It can be a deep part of who and what we are.

Maybe being here, getting to know some people and reading the forums will help fulfill your need. You are among like minded folks. There are others here in similar situations.

Have you talked to her about a platonic spanking relationship with someone else? I know for some it's a flat no. They think of it as sexual and cheating. I've known others where the partner has been ok with it as long as there was no sex involved.

If it would help you can look up articles online for her to read. She won't be into it, but might better understand your interest and desires.

Thanks for this. I already know the answer is going to be a flat no. She's not the most open minded person when it comes to this sort of thing. At this point in my life, if my circumstances were different, I would fully embrace it. Now, I need to figure out a way to keep it from affecting my personal life and mental health. That means accepting that I don't have the freedom or flexibility I once had. My interest in spanking is always going to be there, but the desire to actually get into it with someone should probably be taken down a few notches. I'm also wondering if something like hypnotherapy would work for this.

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I agree with Shygurl. I can add from experience that the desire to act gets stronger. I find myself regretting the things I did not do more than the ones that didn’t work out/failed/created drama etc. 

Sharing a vulnerable secret or desire with a serious partner should bring two people closer - though you might have to deal with her telling a best friend etc with a WTF initial shock. 

Maybe the 50 Shade series has opened her mind and you are simply asking her to “take control”. Other thing is that there really is no such thing as NORMAL. Watch City Island and talk about secrets. 

Think about it. It is just a spanking. What is the big deal. I know it’s not that simple but you are not asking for much. She does it or you find it and call it “a massage appointment”. 

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14 hours ago, Lotsapappa said:

I agree with Shygurl. I can add from experience that the desire to act gets stronger. I find myself regretting the things I did not do more than the ones that didn’t work out/failed/created drama etc. 

Sharing a vulnerable secret or desire with a serious partner should bring two people closer - though you might have to deal with her telling a best friend etc with a WTF initial shock. 

Maybe the 50 Shade series has opened her mind and you are simply asking her to “take control”. Other thing is that there really is no such thing as NORMAL. Watch City Island and talk about secrets. 

Think about it. It is just a spanking. What is the big deal. I know it’s not that simple but you are not asking for much. She does it or you find it and call it “a massage appointment”. 

Thanks for your input. Like I said, it comes in waves and cycles. I'm not looking for ideas on how to getting into it with someone without her knowledge, but rather ways to manage those waves. I'm finding that just being on this site could work.

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I've seen you around the forum recently, @TanYourBottom, but can now officially welcome you. :) 39 is not too late to get into the game. I found this site just a few weeks before my 48th birthday. While I was a very active in the spanking lifestyle while married (my husband and I were switches), after I left him and filed for divorce (for an unrelated reason), I spent several years alone with my spanking needs and no way to express them. You'll be surprised at how many folks here not only feel the way you do, but have similar life stories. And many are married to vanilla partners, so they can relate to you in that area, too. We're glad to have you on-board and hope that SN enriches your life as it does for many of us who remember what it was like to suffer alone in spanko solitude. 

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On 8/30/2020 at 11:59 AM, TanYourBottom said:

Thanks for your input. Like I said, it comes in waves and cycles. I'm not looking for ideas on how to getting into it with someone without her knowledge, but rather ways to manage those waves. I'm finding that just being on this site could work.

I was married to someone vanilla, and they were not into at all. If it is interfering with your sex life with her, then in the long-term, that is likely to lead to divorce, don't kid yourself. People nowadays have high expectations, they compare their relationships with what they see on T.V. and Facebook, and if their partner does not measure up in every way, time to bail.

The spanko habit seemed to me impossible to eradicate. I wanted it to go away at an early age but it just comes back sooner or later strong as ever. In the end, acceptance, accommodation with the uninvited guest at the dinner table. There is food enough for both, I decided.

Yours seems a risky situation, crowded house, unsympathetic partner. High stakes. Walk away from that just for some sex thing?

If you want to banish the desires, make the vanilla life work no matter what, sure, try self-hypnotherapy and don't rule out ritual magic either. It may not be possible to eradicate what was inserted into the code long ago, but the code can be made dormant and only picked up once in a blue moon. Such thoughts and impulses can be made infrequent. When they arise, repress them, be the guardian of your mind. Maybe joke about it, use humor. Relax, but kick it to the curb.

Due to Victorian repression, people of the past subverted the sexual impulse into other activities, maybe that is why we got so much fine literature, art, and science, as opposed to today when we indulge our inner Id, and art has turned atrocious, and science is used by the millitaries of the world. You could exercise, do yoga, magic, socialize, mingle with many others that are likely vanilla and will reinforce this vanilla path you have chosen.

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26 minutes ago, St.George said:

I was married to someone vanilla, and they were not into at all. If it is interfering with your sex life with her, then in the long-term, that is likely to lead to divorce, don't kid yourself. People nowadays have high expectations, they compare their relationships with what they see on T.V. and Facebook, and if their partner does not measure up in every way, time to bail.

The spanko habit seemed to me impossible to eradicate. I wanted it to go away at an early age but it just comes back sooner or later strong as ever. In the end, acceptance, accommodation with the uninvited guest at the dinner table. There is food enough for both, I decided.

Yours seems a risky situation, crowded house, unsympathetic partner. High stakes. Walk away from that just for some sex thing?

If you want to banish the desires, make the vanilla life work no matter what, sure, try self-hypnotherapy and don't rule out ritual magic either. It may not be possible to eradicate what was inserted into the code long ago, but the code can be made dormant and only picked up once in a blue moon. Such thoughts and impulses can be made infrequent. When they arise, repress them, be the guardian of your mind. Maybe joke about it, use humor. Relax, but kick it to the curb.

Due to Victorian repression, people of the past subverted the sexual impulse into other activities, maybe that is why we got so much fine literature, art, and science, as opposed to today when we indulge our inner Id, and art has turned atrocious, and science is used by the millitaries of the world. You could exercise, do yoga, magic, socialize, mingle with many others that are likely vanilla and will reinforce this vanilla path you have chosen.

Hhmmmm. It's interesting that you mentioned magic rituals. I live in Massachusetts and we do have witches here, but I've always been skeptical about that stuff. To me, it just seemed like hocus pocus. Have you heard of any instances where it has worked? Could something like that potentially unwire the unwirable?

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I am 73 now but accepted my 'need' for this in my this life style in my 40s.  You have a quandary and hard decisions to make.

1.  Is my wife and family more important than this need?  

2.  Can I be open with my wife about my need?  [Seems you have been.]

3.  Can she allow me spanking without harming our marriage and how open can we be about it with one another?

4.  If she says "NO,"  not from me or anyone else then you are back to #1.  You need to let go of _____________ ! 

My thoughts and prayers are with you.  Message me if you want to talk further.  

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5 hours ago, TanYourBottom said:

Hhmmmm. It's interesting that you mentioned magic rituals. I live in Massachusetts and we do have witches here, but I've always been skeptical about that stuff. To me, it just seemed like hocus pocus. Have you heard of any instances where it has worked? Could something like that potentially unwire the unwirable?

No. If you are truly hardwired as a spanko, then spanko you shall be.

However, magic put a cork on the bottle for me, and I haven't drunk a drop since 2018. That was a modest, realistic and achievable goal for me.

Magic could accomplish the same goals as hypnotherapy or any other method. If you accept being a spanko, but want it take a backseat, that more realistic, achievable goal might be achievable. You have to set a realistic goal and make some kind of accommodation with your shadow self, like "I am going to have these thoughts and sometimes jack off to them but I am not going to let them bother me or interfere with any of my relationships." How strong is your need and can you realistically minimize it to a level you are comfortable with?

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2 hours ago, St.George said:

No. If you are truly hardwired as a spanko, then spanko you shall be.

However, magic put a cork on the bottle for me, and I haven't drunk a drop since 2018. That was a modest, realistic and achievable goal for me.

Magic could accomplish the same goals as hypnotherapy or any other method. If you accept being a spanko, but want it take a backseat, that more realistic, achievable goal might be achievable. You have to set a realistic goal and make some kind of accommodation with your shadow self, like "I am going to have these thoughts and sometimes jack off to them but I am not going to let them bother me or interfere with any of my relationships." How strong is your need and can you realistically minimize it to a level you are comfortable with?

Well I'm aware that I'm stuck with it. But shall I see a witch? :)

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4 hours ago, TanYourBottom said:

Well I'm aware that I'm stuck with it. But shall I see a witch? :)

No. This magic, you should perform on your own.

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57 minutes ago, St.George said:

No. This magic, you should perform on your own.

How does it work?

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I've been a spanko since I can remember.  I'm married to a nonspanko and the only thing missing from our relationship is spanking.  She tried despite not having any interest but eventually I realized I'd never get out of it what I was after and it wasn't fair to her to ask her to do something she would rather not do.  Luckily for me, the less I indulge in my fantasies the less desire I have for it. So I don't watch videos, look at pictures or read stories and that helps me not dwell on it.  Good luck with your situation.

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Finally free -- good for you taking action on your final choice.    

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14 hours ago, FinallyFree said:

I've been a spanko since I can remember.  I'm married to a nonspanko and the only thing missing from our relationship is spanking.  She tried despite not having any interest but eventually I realized I'd never get out of it what I was after and it wasn't fair to her to ask her to do something she would rather not do.  Luckily for me, the less I indulge in my fantasies the less desire I have for it. So I don't watch videos, look at pictures or read stories and that helps me not dwell on it.  Good luck with your situation.

^this

The more you feed a thing, the stronger it gets. I'd say it's a slam-dunk for TanYourBottom- married with kids.

If you feed it and it grows, you may find you prefer that outlet to your wife, and don't expect her to accept the situation long-term, there are always repercussions.
 

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Thanks for all of the advice. My conclusion, sadly, is I have to let go of my spanking interest and eradicate the urges by any means necessary. This is not going to be easy and I'm not entirely sure if this is going to work, but at least I could try. I'm looking into possibly getting hypnotherapy done and even looking into neuroplasticity. By this point, I see it as a curse that has only caused me a lot of confusion. I think without it, life would be a hell of a lot simpler. It still amazes me that something as silly as spanking can cause such discord in someone's life. 

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Maybe try a spanking machine.  Would you need to get your wife's OK? 

Get a 'heart attack' paddle from caneiac.  It's the best for self spanking that I have found butt I know this is NOT he same as having a spanker. 

My wife of 31 years divorced me, for other reasons, after my kids had grown up.  I am still good friends with spanking and an 'er.  I switch.

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On 9/8/2020 at 12:47 PM, VanillaProblems said:

Well I'm aware that I'm stuck with it. But shall I see a witch? :)

Only if she is a spanking witch!

On 9/9/2020 at 10:17 AM, VanillaProblems said:

Thanks for all of the advice. My conclusion, sadly, is I have to let go of my spanking interest and eradicate the urges by any means necessary. This is not going to be easy and I'm not entirely sure if this is going to work, but at least I could try. I'm looking into possibly getting hypnotherapy done and even looking into neuroplasticity. By this point, I see it as a curse that has only caused me a lot of confusion. I think without it, life would be a hell of a lot simpler. It still amazes me that something as silly as spanking can cause such discord in someone's life. 

Please let us know how effective these options turn out to be, and your progress.

Seems that life could be a lot simpler without these needs. But, wouldn't other complications just take their places?

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On 9/9/2020 at 9:17 AM, VanillaProblems said:

Thanks for all of the advice. My conclusion, sadly, is I have to let go of my spanking interest and eradicate the urges by any means necessary. This is not going to be easy and I'm not entirely sure if this is going to work, but at least I could try. I'm looking into possibly getting hypnotherapy done and even looking into neuroplasticity. By this point, I see it as a curse that has only caused me a lot of confusion. I think without it, life would be a hell of a lot simpler. It still amazes me that something as silly as spanking can cause such discord in someone's life. 

The fact that you just used the analogy of spanking as your own personal @curse”, and the the extent you are willing to go to eliminate all of this. I can’t help but ask, as a wife myself, when you spoke to your wife did you have this same passion in your conversation?  If not my suggestion is to go back and talk to her but get her to feel you and what this means to you! I personally, would struggle with truly changing an individual from who they are? 

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I suggest you initiate marriage counseling, and that at some point this issue comes up in the counseling. The counselor can help you explore why you have this craving (and possibly reduce it) and can explore with her why she is so resistant to fulfilling her spouse's desires. I would look for a counselor who is willing to meet with the two of you separately as well as together.

You might search by looking at the list of Kink Aware professionals (KAP) here:

https://www.kapprofessionals.org/business-directory-2/

tony

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@VanillaProblems I can’t really give you advice on this, but can tell you that until a few nights ago I was in a somewhat similar situation. When my wife and I married a few good years ago and I brought up spanking soon after that, she was horrified and saddened and said “no way”. I too wouldn’t let it destroy my marriage and though at times I won’t lie I had thought about seeing someone else it would be cheating for me and also go against my religious faith (ie letting someone other than her see my privates), I knew I would never take that route. I also wouldn’t of course leave her for what is a very strong fetish that I’ve had since I was a kid. At times I fought it successfully at other times I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

After some months of postings and discussions on this forum, I sat down with her and told her again this is my need and it’s frustrating I can’t meet it. She was extremely understanding and supportive and hopefully will be giving me a very hard spanking next week.

That your wife said no back then doesn’t guarantee she will say no, now. Try to explain to her how much it means to you. Ask her if there are things you could do better to meet her needs. I have absolutely no idea how this discussion would go or even if I’m giving good advice but for what it’s worth you never know, people change over time.

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