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Hardwired spanko in a vanilla relationship


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So I'm 39 and finally full on accepting that I'm a spanko. I was active with it a lot in my 20s and early 30s, but also thought I had something psychologically wrong with me for being into this. So, I stayed hush hush about my spanking interests and even suppressed it at times to be more "normal." I got into a relationship with someone who is obviously not into spanking and settled down. At the time, I sort of thought that I was going through some kind of phase that just "go away" once I settled down. 

So now I'm in a relationship of 8 years, yet my spanking interests never went away. My gf/partner (we are not married) is not into at all, even after I brought it up. We also own a house and have two kids.

My spanking interest flares up from time to time, but because it can't do it, I get irritable and sometimes depressed. A few years ago this would happen every few months. Now it seems like it's every week. The fact that something like this could have such a profound affect on me is still beyond me.

Is there anyone else in the same situation? And how do you cope with it? What would you suggest to help minize this or eliminate it? 

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  • 6 months later...

Hey VanillaProblems, I'm in the same boat.  Has not gone well when I've brought the subject up with my spouse.  My spanking interest has not gone away for many many years and I'm not sure it will.  I actually truly don't want it to go away but having a partner not interested to the point of her being angry and weird'd out by me I need to learn to just let it by my secret you can say.   I look for moments to self spank and read this forum to keep me feeling connected with this part of my life.  I'm not sure you'll ever be able to eliminate but perhaps?  I've told my spouse that I'll just deal with it and never bring it up again (not sure I can keep that promise...).    I realize this is not helpful...  The only thing I've come up with is for me to keep busy with other passions in my life if I truly do want to minimize.  I've considered going to spanking therapy but would be behind my spouse's back and I know that's not the right thing to do.

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On 8/28/2020 at 9:42 PM, VanillaProblems said:

So I'm 39 and finally full on accepting that I'm a spanko. I was active with it a lot in my 20s and early 30s, but also thought I had something psychologically wrong with me for being into this. So, I stayed hush hush about my spanking interests and even suppressed it at times to be more "normal." I got into a relationship with someone who is obviously not into spanking and settled down. At the time, I sort of thought that I was going through some kind of phase that just "go away" once I settled down. 

So now I'm in a relationship of 8 years, yet my spanking interests never went away. My gf/partner (we are not married) is not into at all, even after I brought it up. We also own a house and have two kids.

My spanking interest flares up from time to time, but because it can't do it, I get irritable and sometimes depressed. A few years ago this would happen every few months. Now it seems like it's every week. The fact that something like this could have such a profound affect on me is still beyond me.

Is there anyone else in the same situation? And how do you cope with it? What would you suggest to help minize this or eliminate it? 

Yes I was 36 yo before I got my first good whipping.  Find a partner it is nothing but great!!!

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I'm married to a vanilla but a very understanding one.

She's all for fun spankings and accepts maybe four or five discipline spanking per year essentially because she considers making me happy worth it.

She also is OK if I save most of my discipline spanking for other women.  I don't go crazy in that regard though I'll be dishing out a discipline spanking (her first) to a young lady on Thursday.

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  • 7 months later...

You're always going to feel dissonance when you are trying to suppress or sever ties with who you truly are. At the end of the day, people are people. Everyone has their own needs and desires. Sometimes, due to circumstances or our own personal choices we choose to compromise our own needs and values for something else. I personally have always been an idealist encouraging people to shoot for their dreams. And when I stand in my own way or experience friction with my needs I am prone to experiencing the the deepest depths of my yearning. At times, I can certainly admit that it feels like a turbulent wave of depression. But, what helps me is doing my best to focus on the positive elements of what led to this emotional experience, no matter how painful. There is something you value, admire, appreciate, love ... something that brought you to your partner and that keeps you with your partner regardless of your needs for spanking. Focusing on those elements may help ground you in times of emotional turbulence. But, I truly think that it will never go away because it is a significant part of you. You can heal a wound but you cannot expect to heal something that needs tender love and care as opposed to being altered. Just as you've chosen to be with a non-spanko partner, you have chosen to put your spanking needs on the back burner. It is important to remind yourself of the positive elements of your relationship equally as much as it is important to show love and gratitude towards the part of you that is starving for your acceptance, care, and love. No one will be able to fulfill the latter. It needs to come from within first. 

 

At least that is how I have understood it within myself and how I have coped. 

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Sorry for your trouble, Vanilla. I was married to a vanilla woman who said I was "sick" for this unending desire. Although it's been with me since childhood, I thought (more liked hoped) I would outgrow it. Eventually (after I was married) I came to relalize this was quite common. We've long since gone our separate ways (I wish her well), and I've been free to spank as many female bottoms as were available (aside from a seven year period where I was exclusively with one wonderful woman). 

I think your choices are: 1) Leave the relationship (of course remaining available and reliable to your children); 2) Seek spankos outside of your relationship without her knowledge; 3) Seek spankos outside the relationship with her knowledge and consent, if possible; 4) Remain in your current relationship and relegate spanking to fantasy, perhaps only communicating with other spankos here on SN. If you follow this path, you may remind yourself that there must be something that brought you two together and keeps you together...and as AmariDevine wrote: "...Just as you've chosen to be with a non-spanking partner, you've chosen to put your spanking needs on the back burner" (for the greater good).

Please understand that I do not recommend any particular choice. Best of luck.

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